If you find it amusing, you should put it here.

257 responses total.

Postsale Deity Questionnaire...

God would like to thank you for your belief and
patronage.  In order to better serve your needs,
(S)He asks that you take a few moments to answer the
following questions:

1. How did you find out about your deity?

__ Newspaper
__ Bible
__ Torah
__ Koran
__ Television
__ Book of Mormon
__ Divine Inspiration
__ Dead Sea Scrolls
__ Near Death Experience
__ Near Life Experience
__ National Public Radio
__ Tabloid
__ Burning Shrubbery
__ Other (specify): _____________

2. Which model deity did you acquire?

__ Jehovah
__ Jesus
__ Krishna
__ Father, Son & Holy Ghost [Trinity Pak]
__ Zeus and entourage [Olympus Pak]
__ Odin and entourage [Valhalla Pak]
__ Allah
__ Satan
__ Gaia/Mother Earth/Mother Nature
__ None of the above, I was taken in by a false god

3. Did your God come to you undamaged, with all parts
        in good working order and with no obvious breakage or
        missing attributes?

__ Yes
__ No

If no, please describe the problems you initially
encountered here.  Please indicate all that apply:

__ Not eternal
__ Finite in space/Does not occupy or inhabit the entire cosmos
__ Not omniscient
__ Not omnipotent
__ Not infinitely plastic (incapable of being all things to all 
creations)
__ Permits sex outside of marriage
__ Prohibits sex outside of marriage
__ Makes mistakes
__ Makes or permits bad things to happen to good people
__ Makes or permits good things to happen to bad people
__ Looks after life other than that on Earth
__ When beseeched, doesn't stay beseeched
__ Requires burnt offerings
__ Requires virgin sacrifices

4. What factors were relevant in your decision to
        acquire a deity?  Please check all that apply.

__ Indoctrinated by parents
__ Needed a reason to live
__ Indoctrinated by society
__ Needed focus in whom to despise
__ Needed focus in whom to love
__ Imaginary friend grew up
__ Hate to think for myself
__ Wanted to meet girls/boys in church
__ Fear of death
__ Wanted to piss off parents
__ Wanted to please parents
__ Needed a day away from school or work
__ Desperate need for certainty
__ Like organ music
__ Need to feel morally superior
__ Thought Jerry Falwell was cool
__ Thought there had to be something other than Jerry Falwell
__ Shit was falling out of the sky
__ My shrubbery caught fire and told me to do it

5. Have you ever worshipped a deity before?
        If so, which false god were you fooled by?
        Please check all that apply.

__ Baal
__ The Almighty Dollar
__ Left Wing Liberalism
__ The Radical Right
__ Amon Ra
__ Beelzebub
__ Bill Gates
__ Barney The Big Purple Dinosaur
__ The Great Spirit
__ The Great Pumpkin
__ The Sun
__ The Moon
__ The Force
__ Cindy Crawford
__ Elvis
__ A burning shrub
__ Psychiatry
__ Other: ________________

6. Are you currently using any other source of inspiration
        in addition to God?  Please check all that apply.

__ Tarot
__ Lottery
__ Astrology
__ Television
__ Fortune cookies
__ Ann Landers
__ Psychic Friends Network
__ Dianetics
__ Palmistry
__ Playboy and/or Playgirl
__ Self-help books
__ Sex and Drugs and Rock & Roll
__ Alcohol
__ Marijuana
__ Tea Leaves
__ EST
__ Amway
__ Jimmy Swaggert
__ Crystals
__ Human sacrifice
__ Pyramids
__ Wandering around a desert
__ Insurance policies
__ Burning shrubbery
__ Other:_____________________
__ None

7. God employs a limited degree of Divine Intervention to preserve a
        balanced level of felt presence and blind faith.
        Which would you prefer?

Circle one below:
  a. More Divine Intervention
  b. Less Divine Intervention
  c. Current level of Divine Intervention is just right
  d. Don't know.
  e. What's Divine Intervention?

8. God also attempts to maintain a balanced level of disasters & 
miracles.
        Please rate on a scale of 1 - 5 your opinion of the
        handling of the following
  1 = unsatisfactory, 5 = excellent):

  a. Disasters:

   1 2 3 4 5 Flood
   1 2 3 4 5 Famine
   1 2 3 4 5 Earthquake
   1 2 3 4 5 War & holocausts
   1 2 3 4 5 Pestilence
   1 2 3 4 5 Plague
   1 2 3 4 5 Spam
   1 2 3 4 5 AOL

  b. Miracles:

   1 2 3 4 5 Rescues
   1 2 3 4 5 Spontaneous remissions
   1 2 3 4 5 Stars hovering over tiny towns & previously unknown hamlets
   1 2 3 4 5 Crying statues
   1 2 3 4 5 Water changing to wine
   1 2 3 4 5 Walking on water
   1 2 3 4 5 Coincidence of any sort
   1 2 3 4 5 Getting any sex whatsoever

9. From time to time God makes available the names and
addresses of Her/His followers and devotees to
selected reputedly divine personages who provide
quality services and perform intercessions in His
behalf.  Are you interested in a compilation of listed
offerings?

  __ Yes, please deluge me with religious zealots for
        the benefit of my own mortal soul
  __ No, I do not wish to be inundated by religious
        fanatics clamoring for my money


10. Do you have any additional comments or suggestions
for improving the quality of God's services?  (Attach
additional sheets if necessary.)

That one came to me from MIT without attribution. It was clearly 
inspired by the McDonnell Douglas Warrantee Registration
(http://mywebpages.comcast.net/srweiss/humor/warrantee.txt)
written years ago. It's still one of my favorites.

5       Cosmic Muffin

resp:1  hehehe.  nice.

needs to be slightly updatd by adding microsoft to hte disasters,
right after aol.
  
 and perhaps a couple of   Allah references as well, somewhere?

  I was trying to peg when #1 was written by some of the inclusions and
  exclusions.  Clearly it must be somewhat recent (last six or seven
  years) to include AOL.  But then how are we to explain the inclusion
  of EST?  I wonder if AOL was a recent addition to an older version..

What is EST?

probablt before '92, no clinton references .. but what IS
puzzling is that there are no micro$oft nor b.g. references (except
in the one i just edited fer myslef ...

Hmm . . . some of the choices in the damaged deity section of response 
#1 are actually undamaged qualities in my personal package.

I think AOL is a recent addition to #1.  Either that or it's been deleted from
some versions.  I've got a copy without it.

  re #7:  I'm probably screwing up the spelling, but EST is/was
  Erhard Sensitivity Training or something like that -- kind of
  a cult-like self-improvement program that I believe was popular
  during the late 70s / early 80s.  

resp:7  Probably a typo.  My guess is they meant to say ES *P*

  re #12:  considering it comes right before "Amway", I think it at least
  fairly likely that "EST" is what they actually meant..  The reference is
  just a little dated these days.

(I see tsty is posting while sloshed... again.  Maybe that's why
he forgets whose property he's got, and thinks it's his own.)

Re #12, #13:  Definitely EST, not ESP.  But EST changed its name
a while ago; it's now "The Forum" or something, and they don't lock
you in a room all day without letting you take bathroom breaks.

"Landmark Forum," perhaps?  The Resident Heads in my freshman dorm in Chicago
were into that, and it definitely seemed EST-esque.  Might just be a spin-off
of some sort, though.

I searched the web pretty thoroughly and found no postings of that item, 
so I didn't think it was old. You might be reading too much into the 
*lack* of a reference. Perhaps the author was deliberately trying to 
avoid time-specific references. I agree it's likely that AOL was added 
later, especially given orinoco's comments. So when is the earliest 
anyone saw this from another source?

"Landmark" definitely smacks of EST.
Is EST the bit that spawned the "I'm ok, you're ok" perspective?
(Or Bowie's version: "I'm ok, you're so-so.")

Sorry.  I never heard of 'em.

I think "I'm OK, you're OK" comes out of P.E.T. (Parent Effectiveness
Training)

They actually taught us "I'm OK, you're OK" stuff in health class in high
school.

I think I've seen the P.E.T. book on my parent's shelf.  As a kid I HATED it
when my parents read parenting books... like if the other team in a sport is
reading strategy books, was how I felt.  I insisted that I be able to read
them, too.  Trouble was, I found the books incredibly boring and never made
it much past the first chapter.  Must have never made it to the good stuff.

My parents never read parenting books.  They're general theory was that they
were raised just fine without them, why did they need to read them?

The problem with advice books in general is that I can't bring myself to 
believe that whoever wrote them has enough a. experience and b. common sense
to make them worth listening to.

http://www.madblast.com/oska/humor_pong.swf

        The parenting book was most effective when used to swat my 
behind, as a method to change my behavior.

#23 is cute.

One of the best books for dealing with daughters is "8 Simple Rules for Dating
My Teenage Daughter" by W. Bruce Cameron.  I did not get it in time to
effectively use the information in my daughters case.  It shows the true
relationship between you and your daughter.  It shows you why you are going
to be so ineffective in getting her to do the right thing.  It shows how the
mothers and daughters of tis world conspire against you.  It is funny beyond
words. It will make you laugh.  It will make you cry.  It will humble you to
the realities of family life.  After all:you're the father.

Parents I know say that parenting books are indispensible, and you
can't have enough of them with small children.  It'll be years before
they can reach the bathroom faucets without a big stack.

If you regard 'parenting books' as instruction manual -similar to the
shop manual for a car- you are probably gonna be in trouble.  If on
the other hand you regard them as 'suggestion's then slightly smoother
sailing.  Those who have only a theoretical opinion on the subject are
to my mind a little like a catholic priest teaching sex ed.

hmmm, well, you suppose any of those authors are parents?  You never 
know-- some might be.

I was thinking more in terms of those entering responses in this item.

(wow... intersting humor item)

My unmarried cousin used to teach PET - parent effectiveness training.  Now
he is married and still does not have kids.  He is tall and talks loudly and
people tend to believe him.

somebody post a funny, please?  I could use the laugh.

**FART**


(everyone knows that farts are funny)

This was a random joke that occurred to me at a dance club:

This guy's at a dance club, watching this hot chick in a too-tight outfit
really dancing like a maniac. He's completely mesmerized, and he says: "If
there's a God up in heaven, her top will fall off right now."

Suddenly, her top flies off and her breasts start swinging loose. As she bends
over to pick it up, he becomes mesmerized by her great, round ass, and he
says: "God, I know you heard me last time. If there's a God up in heaven, her
bottom will fall off right now."

Suddenly, her bottom rips, and when she stands upright, her shorts fall to
her ankles. The guy can't believe his luck, and he says, "Oh, yeah, God, if
you're up there in heaven, you gotta hear me. If there's a God up in heaven,
she'll turn to face me right now."
 
Sure enough, she turns around, and his eyes look down from her bodacious
breasts to her belly, to her seven inch cock.

Then he hears a booming voice from above: "Yeah, I'm here, and you should have
stopped when you were ahead."
 
=}
 
(Ok, not fabulous, but it beats PET for humor value...)

Not even funny - predictable. You must have been drinking something. Jokes
always sound funnier in one's cups. Besides, she might have been a
hermaphrodite.

Nah, I was sober. I said it wasn't all that funny, sheesh.
 
Go ahead and do better, sir.

I can't. I always mess up the punch lines.

I thought the response numbered thirty-five contained an excellent example
of uncommon humour.  I plan to relate the tale later to some of my 
associates.

- Backtalk version 1.3.30 - Copyright 1996-2006, Jan Wolter and Steve Weiss