Ban Bread!





       1.More than 98% of convicted felons are bread users.

       2.Fully HALF of all children who grew up in bread
          consuming households score below average on
          standardized tests.

       3.In the 18th century, where virtually all bread was baked
          in the home, the average life expectancy was less than 50
          years; infant mortality rates were exceptionally high; many
          woman died in childbirth and diseases such as typhoid,
          yellow fever and influenza ravaged whole nations.

       4.More than 90% of violent crimes are committed within
          24 hours of eating bread.

       5.Bread is made from a substance called "dough." It has been proven
that as little as one pound of
          dough can be used to suffocate a mouse. The average American eats
more bread than that in
          one month.

       6.Primitive tribal societies that have no bread exhibit a low incidence
of cancer, Alzheimer's
          Disease, Parkinson's Disease as well as osteoporosis.

       7.Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived of bread
and given only water to eat
          begged for bread in as little as two days.

       8.Newborn babies can choke on bread.

       9.Bread is baked in temperatures as high as 400 degrees Fahrenheit!
That kind of heat can kill an
          adult in less than one minute.

      10.Bread has proven to absorb water. Since the human body is 90% water,
it follows that eating
          bread could lead your body being taken over by this absorptive food
product, turning you into a
          soggy, gooey, bread pudding person.

      11.Most American bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish between
significant scientific fact
          and meaningless statistical babble.
(Not written by polytarp, and not formatted correctly.)

29 responses total.

>        2.Fully HALF of all children who grew up in bread
>           consuming households score below average on
>           standardized tests.

Let me point out some flaws in this reasoning..

#1 - HALF of all children would score below the median score, not the
average.

#2 - It assumes basically that either:
     a.  All children are raised in bread-consuming households
         or
     b.  Only children raised in bread-consuming households take
         standardized tests.

Come back when your reasoning is more secure.

Not a bad example of confusing cause and correlation.

This response has been erased.

I disagree.  Standardized tests are not graded on a normal scale.  Scores
fluctuate from year to year, and even with the large sample, it would not
result in a normal distribution.

This response has been erased.

I disagree.  My disagreements are so good, I don't need to back them up.

I still like the thing about dihydrogen oxide better (dihydrogen oxide is
present in every cancer cell, and is absolutely necessary for a nuclear plant,
but is pumped into every home in the nation).

(And it's a major component in acid rain.)

   Ban dihydrogen monoxide!  Didn't some kid win a science fair with
that one?

This response has been erased.

        Plus if you inhale it it will kill you

And fish fuck in it.

You won't do too well if you inhale bread either.

And yeast fucks in it.

Fish don't actually fuck, do they?

Depends on the fish.

Well, there's no penetration no matter what kind of fish it is.  I guess it
depends on your definition of fucking.  But regardless, dolphins and sea
turtles fuck in it too, and they're less ambiguous about it.

I saw some turtles fucking at Busch Gardens.  

I once had a dream where I was attacked by a loaf of Pumpernickle. 

At Busch Gardens?

No, actually it was in Plaquemine. 

I was under the impression that swordtails engage in coitus; they are
viviparous.

Re #18: Must have been a pretty good loaf of pumpernickle.

Test takers in a reasonably wide sample do not fall on a bell curve.  
It is almost always skewed, with many more distant outliers on the low 
end than on the high end.  This means the average will typically be 
below the mean.  So typically expect that less than half of the 
population will do below average in any particular population.

Of course, that assumes the test score is a linear scale, which it 
usually isn't.  The proportion of hard and easy questions effects the 
way the curve skews.

Umm, in casual English, the "average" _is_ the mean.  It is the median that
causes trouble.  Your sentence ought to read"  This means the average
(mean) will typically be below the median".  

        The turtle lives 'twixt plated decks 
        Which practically conceal its sex. 
        I think it clever of the turtle 
        In such a fix to be so fertile. 
                - Ogden Nash

I agree, because, I for one, have always found turtles quite erotic. 

i adore turtles - tortoises. i had one as a pet once and it died. i cried and
cried. they have elephant feet and eyes. so cute.

Oops.  Got my words mixed up. Thanks for the correction.

The classical "fish" has no intromittent organ, but there are many
exceptions to this.

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