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| Author |
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| 19 new of 93 responses total. |
kami
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response 75 of 93:
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Aug 8 05:42 UTC 2003 |
ROTFL!!!!
If I heard that on the plane, I"d be rushing to the loo before I peed my
pants laughing!
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albaugh
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response 76 of 93:
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Aug 8 17:16 UTC 2003 |
Oops, I see that a line got deleted somehow. It's supposed to be:
If you're not going to San Francisco,
you're in for a long night.
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kip
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response 77 of 93:
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Aug 10 15:23 UTC 2003 |
Re: #67 http://www.snopes.com/spoons/legends/lipstick.htm
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albaugh
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response 78 of 93:
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Aug 12 18:06 UTC 2003 |
A for arthritis,
B for bad back,
C is for chest pains. Perhaps cardiac?
D is for dental decay and decline,
E is for eyesight--can't read that top line.
F is for fissures and fluid retention
G is for gas (which I'd rather not mention)
H high blood pressure [I'd rather have low)
I for incisions with scars you can show.
J is for joints, that now fail to flex
L for libido--what happened to sex?
Wait! I forgot about K!
K is for my knees that crack when they're bent
(Please forgive me, my Memory ain't worth a cent)
N for neurosis, pinched nerves and stiff neck
O is for osteo-and all bones that crack
P for prescriptions, I have quite a few
Give me another pill; I'll be good as new!
Q is for queasiness. Fatal or flu?
R is for reflux--one meal turns into two
S is for sleepless nights, counting my fears
T for tinnitus--I hear bells in my ears
U is for urinary: difficulties with flow
V is for vertigo, that's "dizzy", you know.
W is worry, now what's going 'round?
X is for X ray--and what might be found.
Y for another year I've left behind
Z is for zest that I still have my mind,
Have survived all the symptoms my body's deployed,
And kept twenty-six doctors gainfully employed!!!
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gull
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response 79 of 93:
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Aug 12 20:00 UTC 2003 |
My favorite was on an American Airlines flight to Ft. Worth:
"In a few moments we'll come around and collect cups, trash, and
anything else you don't want. Sorry, we can't accept children or spouses."
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albaugh
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response 80 of 93:
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Aug 22 16:23 UTC 2003 |
cut and pasted from Ziff Davis newsletter:
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Yes Virginia, I Need An Editor
Our WNN editor took a well-deserved vacation last week, and I thought I could
sneak by without him. As more than a few of you noticed, I certainly had
a lot to loose by that assumption. The best response to my boneheaded blunder
came from Bill Campbell. I don't know who wrote this, but thanks in advance
for letting me re-run it!
Eye have a spelling chequer
It came with my pea sea
It plainly marques four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.
Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight for it to say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh.
As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the error rite
Its rare lea ever wrong.
Eye have run this poem threw it
I am shore your pleased two no
Its letter perfect awl the weigh
My chequer tolled me sew!
That's it for this week. Welcome back Craig!
--Jim Louderback
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albaugh
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response 81 of 93:
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Sep 10 17:03 UTC 2003 |
Subject: Da Future
The multi-purpose card is the latest version of our perpetually metamorphosing
IC. With an embedded smart chip, it can also store our medical history,
driver's license, act as an ATM card, serve as an electronic purse and even be
used at the National Library. However, a recent experience by a holder brought
to light the questionable control on access, potential information abuse and
privacy infringement. As the belated debate rages on, I can foresee a likely
scenario when ordering pizzas in the near future...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Operator: "Thank you for calling Pizza Hut . May I have your..."
Customer: "Haloo, can I order..."
Operator: "Can I have your multi purpose card number first, Sir?"
Customer: "It's eh, hold on...6102049998-45-54610"
Operator: "OK... you're... Mr Singh and you're calling from 17 Jalan Kayu.
Your home number is 4094 2366, your office 7645 2302 and your mobile is
014 266 2566. Which number are you calling from now Sir?"
Customer: "Home! How did you get all my phone numbers?"
Operator: "We are connected to the system Sir."
Customer: "May I order your Seafood Pizza..."
Operator: "That's not a good idea Sir."
Customer: "How come?"
Operator: "According to your medical records, you have high blood pressure
and even higher cholesterol level Sir."
Customer: "What?... What do you recommend then?"
Operator: "Try our Low Fat Hokkien Mee Pizza. You'll like it!"
Customer: "How do you know for sure?"
Operator: "You borrowed a book entitled 'Popular Hokkien Dishes'
from the National Library last week Sir."
Customer: "OK I give up... Give me three family sized ones then,
how much will that cost?"
Operator: "That should be enough for your family of 10, Sir.
The total is $49.99."
Customer: "Can I pay by credit card?"
Operator: "I'm afraid you have to pay us cash, Sir. Your credit card is
over the limit and you're owing your bank $3720.55 since
October last year."
Operator: "That's not including the late payment charges
on your housing loan Sir."
Customer: "I guess I have to run to the neighbourhood ATM and
withdraw Some cash before your guy arrives."
Operator: "You can't Sir. Based on the records,
you've reached your daily limit on machine withdrawal today."
Customer: "Never mind, just send the pizzas, I'll have the cash ready.
How long is it gonna take anyway?"
Operator: "About 45 minutes Sir, but if you can't wait you can always come
and collect it on your motorcycle..."
Customer: "What?!"
Operator: "According to the details in system, you own a Scooter,
registration number E1123..."
Customer: "*$!^*%^**%^&#*"
Operator: "Better watch your language Sir. Remember on 15th July 1987
you were convicted of using abusive language on a policeman..."
Customer: [Speechless]
Operator: "Is there anything else Sir?"
Customer: "Nothing. By the way, aren't you giving me that 3 free bottles
of cola as advertised?"
Operator: "We normally would Sir, but based on your records
you're also diabetic..."
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bru
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response 82 of 93:
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Sep 10 17:07 UTC 2003 |
and who do you think is gonna track all that information? Adn do you think
those of us in the federal government are going to share that information with
businesses?
Hell! we don't even share it with other agencies.
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flem
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response 83 of 93:
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Sep 10 17:13 UTC 2003 |
Who is going to track it? Insurance companies. Are you people in government
going to share that information? Yes! You already do!
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albaugh
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response 84 of 93:
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Sep 10 18:12 UTC 2003 |
This is the *humor* item, not a risk digest, so lighten up! :-)
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bru
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response 85 of 93:
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Sep 10 20:50 UTC 2003 |
no flem, we don't. There is informationa available thru the government, but
a lot of information is restricted. Hell, I cannot even give information on
an individual in our data base to an FBI agent without approval and a from
from my superiors.
An old farmer in Georgia had owned a large farm
>>> > for several years. He had a large pond in the back,
>>> > fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, basketball court,
>>> > etc. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when
>>> > it was built.
>>> >
>>> > One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he
>>> > hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. As he neared the
>>> > pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came
>>> > closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny dipping in his
>>> > pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all
>>> > went to the deep end of the pond.
>>> >
>>> > One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming
>>> > out until you leave!"
>>> > The old man replied, "I didn't come down here to
>>> > watch you ladies swim or make you get out of the pond naked."
>>> > "I'm here to feed the alligator."
>>> >
>>> > Moral: Old age and cunning will triumph over youth
>>> > and enthusiasm every time.
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asddsa
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response 86 of 93:
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Sep 10 22:44 UTC 2003 |
re 1 Hi naftee !
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pvn
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response 87 of 93:
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Sep 11 06:24 UTC 2003 |
'age and cunning overcomes youth and talent' is the proper quote.
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albaugh
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response 88 of 93:
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Sep 12 22:19 UTC 2003 |
Only in the Philippines will you find such amusing names as:
Bread Pitt (a bakery, after the name of Brad Pitt)
Mang Donald's (a burger joint at the Naga City plaza)
Candies Be Love?
Doris Day and Night (a 24-hour eatery)
Miki Mao (a noodle house)
Tapsi Turbi (a tapa house)
Cleopata's (a manukan and bakahan) [a chicken & beef place]
Goto Heaven [Goto is a Filipino food pronounced GOT-o]
Cooking ng Ina Mo (a carinderia) and right across from it,
Cooking ng Ina Mo Rin [this has a sound close to the primary Filipino curse]
Christopher Plumbing (your friendly neighborhood plumber)
Goldirocks (a gravel and sand shop)
The Way We Wear (a boutique)
Curl Up and Dye (a beauty salon)
Felix the Cut (a barber shop)
Goldilooks (also a barber shop)
Saudia Hairlines (a beauty parlor)
Sylvestre's Salon
Babalik Karinderia [a play on words for "y'all come back again"]
Holland Hopia (owned by Mr. Ho) and next-door
neighbor Poland Hopia (owned by Mr. Po) in Chinatown
The Fried of Marikina (a fried chicken house)
Wrap and Roll (a lumpia outlet in Quad, Makati)
Pansit ng taga-Malaboni (a panciteria on Boni Ave., Mandaluyong)
Side-saki (a side street eatery beside Mandarin Oriental in Makati)
Let's Goat-Together (a kambingan-cum-beer garden)
Meating Place (a meat shop)
Meatropolis (another meat shop)
Happy Birthday Toyo (a soy sauce brand in the 1970s)
Isda best, Pusit to the limit, and Hipon coming back
(entrees on the menu of a seafood restaurant)
Cinna Von (a laundromat)
Pier Carding (a tailoring shop in Pier, Manila)
Bote Nga Sa 'Yo (used bottle shop)
Fernando Pe's Box Office Hits (a video rental shop in Palawan)
Leon King Video Rental (in Las Pinas)
Memory Drug (a clone of Mercury Drug)
Petal Attraction (a flower shop near UP Diliman)
Susan's Roses (a flower shop, but of course!)
Maid to Order (maids placement agency)
Maruya Carey (a fast-food place selling turon & Maruya in Greenbelt, Makati)
Caintacky Fried Chicken (an eatery in Cainta, Rizal)
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bru
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response 89 of 93:
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Sep 13 02:33 UTC 2003 |
I have a second cousin who owns a flower shop named
Flowers, By George!
His name is Bud.
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tod
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response 90 of 93:
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Sep 14 06:34 UTC 2003 |
This response has been erased.
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albaugh
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response 91 of 93:
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Sep 19 01:01 UTC 2003 |
The governmental agency acronyms are different, but the concepts are the same.
Here are the few definitions that I know:
GMA = Gloria Macapagal Arroyo, current President of the Philippines
BIR = Bureau of Internal Revenue (guessing), equivalent of IRS
NBI = National Bureau of Investigation, equivalent of FBI
PNP = Philippine National Police
DENR = Department of Energy and Natural Resources (guessing)
TRO = Temporary Restraining Order
Subject: Fw: If Noah were a Filipino
This one is very appropriate. Hope our politicians get to read this!
It is the year 2003 and Noah lives in the Philippines.
The Lord speaks to Noah and says: "In one year I am going to make it rain and
cover the whole earth with water until all is destroyed. But I want you to
save the righteous people and two of every kind of living thing on the earth.
Therefore, I am commanding you to build an Ark."
In a flash of lightning, God delivered the specifications for an Ark.
Fearful and trembling, Noah took the plans and agreed to build the Ark.
"Remember," said the Lord,
"You must complete the Ark and bring everything aboard in one year."
Exactly one year later, a fierce storm cloud covered the earth and all the
seas of the earth went into tumult. The Lord saw Noah sitting in his front
yard weeping.
"Noah." He shouted, "Where is the Ark?"
"Lord please forgive me!" cried Noah.
"I did my best but there were big problems.
First, I had to get a Mayor's permit for construction and your plans
"did not comply with the codes". I had to hire their "engineering firm"
and "redraw" the plans.
Then I got into a fight with Municipal Fire Safety Inspector over whether
or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system and extinguishers.
Then my neighbor objected, claiming I was violating zoning ordinances by
building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a permit from the municipal
planning office. I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark, because there
was a ban on cutting trees to protect the Monkey-Eating Eagle. I finally
convinced the DENR that I needed the wood to save the eagles.
However, the DENR won't let me catch any eagles. So, no eagles.
The carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate
a settlement with the KMU. Now I have 16 carpenters on the Ark, but still
no eagles.
When I started rounding up the other animals, I got sued by an animal rights
group. They objected to me only taking two of each kind aboard.
Just when I got the suit dismissed, the DENR again notified me that I could
not complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact assessment on your
proposed flood. They didn't take very kindly to the idea that they had no
jurisdiction over the conduct of the Creator of the universe.
Then the DPWH demanded a map of the proposed new flood plan.
I sent them.....a globe.
Right now, I am trying to resolve a complaint filed with the DOLE that I am
practicing discrimination by not taking godless, unbelieving people aboard!
The BIR has seized all my assets, claiming that I'm building the Ark in
preparation to flee the country to avoid paying taxes. I just got a notice
from the BIR that I owe some kind of user tax and failed to
register the Ark as a "recreational water craft."
The NBI and ISAFP each wanted a piece of the action alleging that the Ark
would be used by the Magdalo soldiers to escape. The PNP on the other hand
insists that Al-Ghozi might use the Ark to flee to Indonesia.
Malacanang sees the opportunity to use the Ark for GMA's Strong Republic
Nautical Highway presidential campaign sorties.
Finally the Senate got the courts to issue a TRO against further construction
of the Ark, saying that since God is flooding the earth, it is a religious
event and therefore unconstitutional.
"I really don't think I can finish the Ark for another 10 or 16 years!"
Noah wailed. The sky began to clear, the sun began to shine and the seas
began to calm. A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up hopefully.
"You mean you are not going to destroy the earth, Lord?"
"No," said the Lord sadly. "The government is already doing that."
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tod
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response 92 of 93:
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Sep 19 04:14 UTC 2003 |
This response has been erased.
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gull
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response 93 of 93:
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Sep 19 14:09 UTC 2003 |
Lockheed-Martin had a little boo-boo with a $239 million NOAA weather
satellite:
http://www.fuckedcompany.com/images/view.cfm?image=satellite.jpg
The full story is here:
http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?file=/news/archive/2003/09/09/sta
te163
7EDT0153.DTL
It seems the previous day another crew had removed some bolts from the
cradle holding the satellite, and the crew that tried to rotate it from
vertical to horizontal failed to notice.
Kinda puts any mistakes you might have made this week in perspective,
doesn't it?
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