response 67 of 93:

Aug 6 17:02 UTC 2003

According to a news report, a school in Washington recently was faced 
with a unique problem. A number of 13-year-old girls who had just started 
using lipstick would put it on in the school bathroom. Which was fine, 
but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the
mirror leaving hundreds of little lip prints.

Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day,
the girls would put more there. Finally the principal decided that 
something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom
and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these 
lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean 
the mirrors every night. 

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked
the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. 
He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned
the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

There are teachers, and then there are educators.

response 69 of 93:

Aug 6 17:08 UTC 2003

i hope that's true.

response 71 of 93:

Aug 7 21:04 UTC 2003

Even if this is an urban leged, it's pretty funny.  :-)


Subject: Thanks for Flying.....


Air Safety:

Thanks to a retired Delta Captain for sending this "paraphrase" of a
memorable safety PA from their Flight Attendants.

In his own words....

I was flying to San Francisco from Seattle this weekend, and the flight
attendant reading the flight safety information had the whole plane looking
at each other like "what the heck?" (Getting Seattle people to look at each
other is an accomplishment.) So once we got airborne, I took out my laptop
and typed up what she said so I wouldn't forget.  I've left out a few parts
I'm sure, but this is most of it.


Before takeoff...

Hello and welcome to Alaska Flight 438 to San Francisco.
If you're going to San Francisco, you're in the right place.
If you're not going to San Francisco,

We'd like to tell you now about some important safety features of this
aircraft.  The most important safety feature we have aboard this plane is...
The Flight Attendants.  Please look at one now.

There are 5 exits aboard this plane: 2 at the front, 2 over the wings, 
and one out the plane's rear end.  If you're seated in one of the exit rows,
please do not store your bags by your feet.  That would be a really bad idea.

Please take a moment and look around and find the nearest exit.
Count the rows of seats between you and the exit.
In the event that the need arises to find one, trust me, 
you'll be glad you did.  We have pretty blinking lights on the floor
that will blink in the direction of the exits.
White ones along the normal rows, and pretty red ones at the exit rows.

In the event of a loss of cabin pressure these baggy things will drop down
over your head.  You stick it over your nose and mouth like the flight
attendant is doing now.  The bag won't inflate, but there's oxygen there,
promise.  If you are sitting next to a small child, or someone who is acting
like a small child, please do us all a favor and put on your mask first.  
If you are traveling with two or more children, please take a moment now to
decide which one is your favorite.  Help that one-first, and then work your
way down.

In the seat pocket in front of you is a pamphlet about the safety features of
this plane.  I usually use it as a fan when I'm having my own personal summer.
It makes a very good fan.  It also has pretty pictures.  
Please take it out and play with it now.

Please take a moment now to make sure your seat belts are fastened low and
tight about your waist.  To fasten the belt, insert the metal tab into the
buckle.  To release, it's a pulley thing-not a pushy thing like your car
because you're in an airplane - HELLO!!

There is no smoking in the cabin on this flight.  There is also no smoking
in the lavatories.  If we see smoke coming from the lavatories, we will
assume you are on fire and put you out.  This is a free service we provide.
There are two smoking sections on this flight, one outside each wing exit.
We do have a movie in the smoking sections tonight...  hold on, let me check
what it is...  Oh here it is; the movie tonight is Gone with the Wind.

In a moment we will be turning off the cabin lights, and it's going to get
really dark, really fast.  If you're afraid of the dark, now would be a good
time to reach up and press the yellow button.  The yellow button turns on
your reading light.  Please don't press the orange button unless you 
absolutely have to.  The orange button is your seat ejection button.

We're glad to have you with us on board this flight.  Thank you for choosing
Alaska Air, and giving us your business and your money.  If there's anything
we can do to make you more comfortable, please don't hesitate to ask.

If you all weren't strapped down you would have given me a standing ovation,
wouldn't you?

After landing...

Welcome to the San Francisco International Airport.

Sorry about the bumpy landing.  It's not the captain's fault.
It's not the co-pilot's fault.  It's the Asphalt.

Please remain seated until the plane is parked at the gate.
At no time in history has a passenger beaten a plane to the gate.  
So please don't even try.

Please be careful opening the overhead bins because "shift happens."

response 73 of 93:

Aug 8 02:39 UTC 2003

I can only imagine listening intently and laughing my food head off.

response 75 of 93:

Aug 8 05:42 UTC 2003

ROTFL!!!!
If I heard that on the plane, I"d be rushing to the loo before I peed my
pants laughing!

response 77 of 93:

Aug 10 15:23 UTC 2003

Re: #67 http://www.snopes.com/spoons/legends/lipstick.htm

response 79 of 93:

Aug 12 20:00 UTC 2003

My favorite was on an American Airlines flight to Ft. Worth:
"In a few moments we'll come around and collect cups, trash, and
anything else you don't want.  Sorry, we can't accept children or spouses."

response 81 of 93:

Sep 10 17:03 UTC 2003

Subject: Da Future

The multi-purpose card is the latest version of our perpetually metamorphosing
IC. With an embedded smart chip, it can also store our medical history, 
driver's license, act as an ATM card, serve as an electronic purse and even be
used at the National Library.  However, a recent experience by a holder brought
to light the questionable control on access, potential information abuse and 
privacy infringement. As the belated debate rages on, I can foresee a likely
scenario when ordering pizzas in the near future...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Operator: "Thank you for calling Pizza Hut . May I have your..."

Customer: "Haloo, can I order..."

Operator: "Can I have your multi purpose card number first, Sir?"

Customer: "It's eh, hold on...6102049998-45-54610"

Operator: "OK... you're... Mr Singh and you're calling from 17 Jalan Kayu.
Your home number is 4094 2366, your office 7645 2302 and your mobile is 
014 266 2566. Which number are you calling from now Sir?"

Customer: "Home! How did you get all my phone numbers?"

Operator: "We are connected to the system Sir."

Customer: "May I order your Seafood Pizza..."

Operator: "That's not a good idea Sir."

Customer: "How come?"

Operator: "According to your medical records, you have high blood pressure 
           and even higher cholesterol level Sir."

Customer: "What?... What do you recommend then?"

Operator: "Try our Low Fat Hokkien Mee Pizza.  You'll like it!"

Customer: "How do you know for sure?"

Operator: "You borrowed a book entitled 'Popular Hokkien Dishes'
           from the National Library last week Sir."

Customer: "OK I give up... Give me three family sized ones then,
           how much will that cost?"

Operator: "That should be enough for your family of 10, Sir. 
           The total is $49.99."

Customer: "Can I pay by credit card?"

Operator: "I'm afraid you have to pay us cash, Sir. Your credit card is 
           over the limit and you're owing your bank $3720.55 since 
           October last year."

Operator: "That's not including the late payment charges 
           on your housing loan Sir."

Customer: "I guess I have to run to the neighbourhood ATM and
           withdraw Some cash before your guy arrives."

Operator: "You can't Sir. Based on the records,
           you've reached your daily limit on machine withdrawal today."

Customer: "Never mind, just send the pizzas, I'll have the cash ready.  
           How long is it gonna take anyway?"

Operator: "About 45 minutes Sir, but if you can't wait you can always come 
           and collect it on your motorcycle..."

Customer: "What?!"

Operator: "According to the details in system, you own a Scooter, 
           registration number E1123..."

Customer: "*$!^*%^**%^&#*"

Operator: "Better watch your language Sir. Remember on 15th July 1987 
           you were convicted of using abusive language on a policeman..."

Customer: [Speechless]

Operator: "Is there anything else Sir?"

Customer: "Nothing. By the way, aren't you giving me that 3 free bottles 
           of cola as advertised?"

Operator: "We normally would Sir, but based on your records 
           you're also diabetic..."

response 83 of 93:

Sep 10 17:13 UTC 2003

Who is going to track it?  Insurance companies.  Are you people in government
going to share that information?  Yes!  You already do!

response 85 of 93:

Sep 10 20:50 UTC 2003

no flem, we don't.  There is informationa available thru the government, but
a lot of information is restricted.  Hell, I cannot even give information on
an individual in our data base to an FBI agent without approval and a from
from my superiors.


 An old farmer in Georgia had owned a large farm
>>> > for several years. He had a large pond in the back,
>>> > fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, basketball court, 
>>> > etc. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when 
>>> > it was built.
>>> >
>>> > One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he 
>>> > hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. As he neared the 
>>> > pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came 
>>> > closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny dipping in his 
>>> > pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all
>>> > went to the deep end of the pond.
>>> >
>>> > One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming
>>> > out until you leave!"
>>> > The old man replied, "I didn't come down here to
>>> > watch you ladies swim or make you get out of the pond naked."
>>> > "I'm here to feed the alligator."
>>> >
>>> > Moral: Old age and cunning will triumph over youth
>>> > and enthusiasm every time.

response 87 of 93:

Sep 11 06:24 UTC 2003

'age and cunning overcomes youth and talent' is the proper quote.

response 89 of 93:

Sep 13 02:33 UTC 2003

I have a second cousin who owns a flower shop named 

Flowers, By George!

His name is Bud.

response 91 of 93:

Sep 19 01:01 UTC 2003

The governmental agency acronyms are different, but the concepts are the same.
Here are the few definitions that I know:

GMA = Gloria Macapagal Arroyo, current President of the Philippines
BIR = Bureau of Internal Revenue (guessing), equivalent of IRS
NBI = National Bureau of Investigation, equivalent of FBI
PNP = Philippine National Police
DENR = Department of Energy and Natural Resources (guessing)
TRO = Temporary Restraining Order



Subject: Fw: If Noah were a Filipino 

This one is very appropriate. Hope our politicians get to read this! 


It is the year 2003 and Noah lives in the Philippines. 

The Lord speaks to Noah and says: "In one year I am going to make it rain and
cover the whole earth with water until all is destroyed. But I want you to
save the righteous people and two of every kind of living thing on the earth. 
Therefore, I am commanding you to build an Ark." 

In a flash of lightning, God delivered the specifications for an Ark.
Fearful and trembling, Noah took the plans and agreed to build the Ark.

"Remember," said the Lord,
"You must complete the Ark and bring everything aboard in one year." 

Exactly one year later, a fierce storm cloud covered the earth and all the
seas of the earth went into tumult. The Lord saw Noah sitting in his front
yard weeping.

"Noah." He shouted, "Where is the Ark?" 

"Lord please forgive me!" cried Noah. 
"I did my best but there were big problems. 

First, I had to get a Mayor's permit for construction and your plans 
"did not comply with the codes". I had to hire their "engineering firm"
and "redraw" the plans. 

Then I got into a fight with Municipal Fire Safety Inspector over whether
or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system and extinguishers. 

Then my neighbor objected, claiming I was violating zoning ordinances by 
building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a permit from the municipal
planning office. I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark, because there
was a ban on cutting trees to protect the Monkey-Eating Eagle. I finally 
convinced the DENR that I needed the wood to save the eagles. 

However, the DENR won't let me catch any eagles. So, no eagles. 

The carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate 
a settlement with the KMU. Now I have 16 carpenters on the Ark, but still
no eagles. 

When I started rounding up the other animals, I got sued by an animal rights
group. They objected to me only taking two of each kind aboard. 

Just when I got the suit dismissed, the DENR again notified me that I could
not complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact assessment on your
proposed flood. They didn't take very kindly to the idea that they had no 
jurisdiction over the conduct of the Creator of the universe. 

Then the DPWH demanded a map of the proposed new flood plan.
I sent them.....a globe. 

Right now, I am trying to resolve a complaint filed with the DOLE that I am
practicing discrimination by not taking godless, unbelieving people aboard! 

The BIR has seized all my assets, claiming that I'm building the Ark in
preparation to flee the country to avoid paying taxes. I just got a notice
from the BIR that I owe some kind of user tax and failed to 
register the Ark as a "recreational water craft." 

The NBI and ISAFP each wanted a piece of the action alleging that the Ark
would be used by the Magdalo soldiers to escape. The PNP on the other hand
insists that Al-Ghozi might use the Ark to flee to Indonesia. 

Malacanang sees the opportunity to use the Ark for GMA's Strong Republic
Nautical Highway presidential campaign sorties. 

Finally the Senate got the courts to issue a TRO against further construction
of the Ark, saying that since God is flooding the earth, it is a religious 
event and therefore unconstitutional. 

"I really don't think I can finish the Ark for another 10 or 16 years!" 

Noah wailed. The sky began to clear, the sun began to shine and the seas 
began to calm. A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up hopefully. 

"You mean you are not going to destroy the earth, Lord?" 

"No," said the Lord sadly. "The government is already doing that."