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| Author |
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| 25 new of 93 responses total. |
edina
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response 54 of 93:
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Jul 25 16:10 UTC 2003 |
You know, I love Taco Bell. It's my fave fast food. But I don't love it
*that* much.
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jaklumen
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response 55 of 93:
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Jul 26 21:51 UTC 2003 |
Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Think outside the bun!
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russ
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response 56 of 93:
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Jul 31 04:01 UTC 2003 |
Zen Judaism
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single oy.
If you wish to know The Way, don't ask for directions. Argue.
Take only what is given. Own nothing but your robes and an alms bowl.
Unless, of course, you have the closet space.
Let your mind be as a floating cloud. Let your stillness be as the
wooded glen. And sit up straight. You'll never meet the Buddha with
posture like that.
There is no escaping karma. In a previous life, you never called, you
never wrote, you never visited. And whose fault was that?
Wherever you go, there you are. Your luggage is another story.
To practice Zen and the art of Jewish motorcycle maintenance, do the
following: get rid of the motorcycle. What were you thinking?
Learn of the pine from the pine. Learn of the bamboo from the bamboo.
Learn of the kugel from the kugel.
Be aware of your body. Be aware of your perceptions. Keep in mind that
not every physical sensation is a symptom of a terminal illness.
If there is no self, whose arthritis is this?
Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out. Forget this and
attaining enlightenment will be the least of your problems.
The Tao has no expectations. The Tao demands nothing of others. The
Tao does not speak. The Tao does not blame. The Tao does not take
sides. The Tao is not Jewish.
Drink tea and nourish life. With the first sip, joy. With the second,
satisfaction. With the third, Danish.
The Buddha taught that one should practice loving kindness to all
sentient beings. Still, would it kill you to find a nice sentient
being who happens to be Jewish?
Be patient and achieve all things. Be impatient and achieve all things
faster.
In nature, there is no good or bad, better or worse. The wind may blow
or not. The flowering branch grows long or short. Do not judge or
prefer. Ask only, "Is it good for the Jews?"
To Find the Buddha, look within. Deep inside you are ten thousand
flowers. Each flower blossoms ten thousand times. Each blossom has ten
thousand petals. You might want to see a specialist.
Be here now. Be someplace else later. Is that so complicated?
Zen is not easy. It takes effort to attain nothingness. And then what
do you have? Bupkes.
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tod
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response 57 of 93:
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Jul 31 16:13 UTC 2003 |
This response has been erased.
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katie
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response 58 of 93:
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Jul 31 17:20 UTC 2003 |
So, they got Saddam's sons. Now, all they have to do is bag Dad.
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tod
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response 59 of 93:
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Jul 31 17:22 UTC 2003 |
This response has been erased.
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russ
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response 60 of 93:
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Aug 1 04:07 UTC 2003 |
Re #57: That is Ginsberg? It came to me w/o attribution.
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jmsaul
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response 61 of 93:
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Aug 1 04:08 UTC 2003 |
The poet or the Supreme Court Justice?
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tod
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response 62 of 93:
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Aug 1 17:41 UTC 2003 |
This response has been erased.
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jaklumen
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response 63 of 93:
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Aug 2 03:58 UTC 2003 |
Well, the Tao and Zen are a little different-- the Tao is very inward
directed, and Zen is very outward directed, from what I hear. I am
reading the Tao Te Ching right now.
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pvn
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response 64 of 93:
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Aug 3 05:34 UTC 2003 |
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happyboy
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response 65 of 93:
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Aug 4 07:22 UTC 2003 |
re63: what translation?
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albaugh
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response 66 of 93:
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Aug 4 21:57 UTC 2003 |
For all you lexiophiles (lovers of words - saved you looking it up):
1. A bicycle can't stand alone because it is two-tired.
2. What's the definition of a will? It's a dead giveaway.
3. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
4. A backward poet writes inverse.
5. In democracy it's your vote that counts.
In feudalism it's your count that votes.
6. She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
7. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
8. If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
9. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
10. Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat minor.
11. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
12. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
13. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France
would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
14. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
15. Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
16. He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
17. Every calendar's days are numbered.
18. A lot of money is tainted. 'Taint yours and 'taint mine.
19. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
20. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
21. A plateau is a high form of flattery.
22. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison
was a small medium at large.
23. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
24. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
25. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
26. When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.
27. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
28. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
29. Acupuncture is a jab well done.
30. Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
Bonus inside joke:
CVS is not just a farm at sea. ;-)
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albaugh
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response 67 of 93:
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Aug 6 17:02 UTC 2003 |
According to a news report, a school in Washington recently was faced
with a unique problem. A number of 13-year-old girls who had just started
using lipstick would put it on in the school bathroom. Which was fine,
but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the
mirror leaving hundreds of little lip prints.
Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day,
the girls would put more there. Finally the principal decided that
something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom
and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these
lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean
the mirrors every night.
To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked
the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.
He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned
the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
There are teachers, and then there are educators.
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novomit
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response 68 of 93:
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Aug 6 17:03 UTC 2003 |
Heh heh.
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happyboy
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response 69 of 93:
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Aug 6 17:08 UTC 2003 |
i hope that's true.
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jaklumen
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response 70 of 93:
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Aug 7 04:59 UTC 2003 |
Me too.
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albaugh
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response 71 of 93:
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Aug 7 21:04 UTC 2003 |
Even if this is an urban leged, it's pretty funny. :-)
Subject: Thanks for Flying.....
Air Safety:
Thanks to a retired Delta Captain for sending this "paraphrase" of a
memorable safety PA from their Flight Attendants.
In his own words....
I was flying to San Francisco from Seattle this weekend, and the flight
attendant reading the flight safety information had the whole plane looking
at each other like "what the heck?" (Getting Seattle people to look at each
other is an accomplishment.) So once we got airborne, I took out my laptop
and typed up what she said so I wouldn't forget. I've left out a few parts
I'm sure, but this is most of it.
Before takeoff...
Hello and welcome to Alaska Flight 438 to San Francisco.
If you're going to San Francisco, you're in the right place.
If you're not going to San Francisco,
We'd like to tell you now about some important safety features of this
aircraft. The most important safety feature we have aboard this plane is...
The Flight Attendants. Please look at one now.
There are 5 exits aboard this plane: 2 at the front, 2 over the wings,
and one out the plane's rear end. If you're seated in one of the exit rows,
please do not store your bags by your feet. That would be a really bad idea.
Please take a moment and look around and find the nearest exit.
Count the rows of seats between you and the exit.
In the event that the need arises to find one, trust me,
you'll be glad you did. We have pretty blinking lights on the floor
that will blink in the direction of the exits.
White ones along the normal rows, and pretty red ones at the exit rows.
In the event of a loss of cabin pressure these baggy things will drop down
over your head. You stick it over your nose and mouth like the flight
attendant is doing now. The bag won't inflate, but there's oxygen there,
promise. If you are sitting next to a small child, or someone who is acting
like a small child, please do us all a favor and put on your mask first.
If you are traveling with two or more children, please take a moment now to
decide which one is your favorite. Help that one-first, and then work your
way down.
In the seat pocket in front of you is a pamphlet about the safety features of
this plane. I usually use it as a fan when I'm having my own personal summer.
It makes a very good fan. It also has pretty pictures.
Please take it out and play with it now.
Please take a moment now to make sure your seat belts are fastened low and
tight about your waist. To fasten the belt, insert the metal tab into the
buckle. To release, it's a pulley thing-not a pushy thing like your car
because you're in an airplane - HELLO!!
There is no smoking in the cabin on this flight. There is also no smoking
in the lavatories. If we see smoke coming from the lavatories, we will
assume you are on fire and put you out. This is a free service we provide.
There are two smoking sections on this flight, one outside each wing exit.
We do have a movie in the smoking sections tonight... hold on, let me check
what it is... Oh here it is; the movie tonight is Gone with the Wind.
In a moment we will be turning off the cabin lights, and it's going to get
really dark, really fast. If you're afraid of the dark, now would be a good
time to reach up and press the yellow button. The yellow button turns on
your reading light. Please don't press the orange button unless you
absolutely have to. The orange button is your seat ejection button.
We're glad to have you with us on board this flight. Thank you for choosing
Alaska Air, and giving us your business and your money. If there's anything
we can do to make you more comfortable, please don't hesitate to ask.
If you all weren't strapped down you would have given me a standing ovation,
wouldn't you?
After landing...
Welcome to the San Francisco International Airport.
Sorry about the bumpy landing. It's not the captain's fault.
It's not the co-pilot's fault. It's the Asphalt.
Please remain seated until the plane is parked at the gate.
At no time in history has a passenger beaten a plane to the gate.
So please don't even try.
Please be careful opening the overhead bins because "shift happens."
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ea
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response 72 of 93:
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Aug 8 02:28 UTC 2003 |
#71 sounds more like something you'd hear on Southwest than on Alaska.
Entertaining, nonetheless.
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other
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response 73 of 93:
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Aug 8 02:39 UTC 2003 |
I can only imagine listening intently and laughing my food head off.
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tod
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response 74 of 93:
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Aug 8 02:45 UTC 2003 |
This response has been erased.
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kami
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response 75 of 93:
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Aug 8 05:42 UTC 2003 |
ROTFL!!!!
If I heard that on the plane, I"d be rushing to the loo before I peed my
pants laughing!
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albaugh
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response 76 of 93:
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Aug 8 17:16 UTC 2003 |
Oops, I see that a line got deleted somehow. It's supposed to be:
If you're not going to San Francisco,
you're in for a long night.
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kip
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response 77 of 93:
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Aug 10 15:23 UTC 2003 |
Re: #67 http://www.snopes.com/spoons/legends/lipstick.htm
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albaugh
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response 78 of 93:
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Aug 12 18:06 UTC 2003 |
A for arthritis,
B for bad back,
C is for chest pains. Perhaps cardiac?
D is for dental decay and decline,
E is for eyesight--can't read that top line.
F is for fissures and fluid retention
G is for gas (which I'd rather not mention)
H high blood pressure [I'd rather have low)
I for incisions with scars you can show.
J is for joints, that now fail to flex
L for libido--what happened to sex?
Wait! I forgot about K!
K is for my knees that crack when they're bent
(Please forgive me, my Memory ain't worth a cent)
N for neurosis, pinched nerves and stiff neck
O is for osteo-and all bones that crack
P for prescriptions, I have quite a few
Give me another pill; I'll be good as new!
Q is for queasiness. Fatal or flu?
R is for reflux--one meal turns into two
S is for sleepless nights, counting my fears
T for tinnitus--I hear bells in my ears
U is for urinary: difficulties with flow
V is for vertigo, that's "dizzy", you know.
W is worry, now what's going 'round?
X is for X ray--and what might be found.
Y for another year I've left behind
Z is for zest that I still have my mind,
Have survived all the symptoms my body's deployed,
And kept twenty-six doctors gainfully employed!!!
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