charcat
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response 63 of 203:
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Jan 12 00:15 UTC 2006 |
this weeks lame joke from the "car talk" websight,,,,
Iggy Kowalski
The other day I was talking with my buddy Iggy Kowalski about people we
knew, and it seemed like he knew everybody. So I said to him, "Iggy, it
seems like you know everyone in the world!"
Iggy said, "I do! I know every single person in the world."
Well, this was ridiculous of course and I told him so, and he gave me
three tries to name people he didn't know. I thought about it for a
minute, and then said, "I'll bet you don't know my butcher, Stan
Marciano."
"Oh sure," says Iggy. "Stan used to come over to my house every Saturday
for my famous Shish-kabob dinner! How's his son Ralph? Still getting
into trouble with that skateboard of his?"
Foiled, I thought some more. I had to think of someone who lived out of
the city, out of the State. My old friend from school on the other
coast, Joseph Bakerman, came to mind.
"Oh yeah - I met Joe at a shoeshine convention - he does my taxes and
his wife Kate sends me the most wonderful fruitcake every Christmas!
Great people."
Finally, in exasperation, I say, "OK, wise-guy, I'll bet you don't know
the Pope!"
"The Pope!" says Iggy. "We grew up together! Used to play
pin-the-tail on the heretic!"
I had never known Iggy to be a liar, but in desperation I said, "Prove
it!"
"OK," he said. "Next week is Easter. Lets you and me go to the Vatican
and I'll introduce you." This was a little extreme, but I had to stick
to my guns and so I accepted. When our plane arrived at the airport
there were huge crowds that just got thicker as we made our way to St.
Peter's Square. We tried to find a way in around the back, but to no
avail. Iggy said, "Look, I'm a small guy and can slip through the
crowds easily. Will it be enough proof for you if I stand on the
balcony with the Pope during his address?"
"If you're standing with the Pope during his Easter address, I will
believe that you know him."
Iggy slipped off through the masses, and I tried to work my way around
to the front of St. Peter's Basilica. But I just couldn't get to a spot
where I could see the balcony. Way off in the distance I saw a hill
from which I could surely have a direct line of sight. It was in the
countryside, way out of town, and I barely made it there before the end
of the address. But I couldn't see the balcony well enough; it was too
far away! Off in the distance, I say an old man, herding his goats. I
thought to myself, "Surely he must have good eyesight to keep track of
all those goats running around everywhere." I approached him and
digging deep for Italian phrases said, "Excuse me, sir, but can you see
that big building way over there with all the statues on top?"
Squinting into the distance, he said, "Yes, yes, I believe I can."
"And can you see a large balcony above the main door in the middle of
the building?" He squinted even more, his bushy eyebrows closing in on
his eyes.
"Yes, yes, I believe I can."
"And is there anyone standing on that balcony?"
He squinted even more, which hadn't seemed possible. "Yes, yes, I
believe there is."
"And," I said, "can you tell me who is standing on that balcony?"
His face did something I had never seen before, and I could hardly
believe that he could see through those bushy eyebrows. He peered into
the distance for a long while, and then said, "Well, I don't know who
that guy in the big pointed hat is, but he's standing next to Iggy
Kowalski!"
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sholmes
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response 68 of 203:
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Jan 16 05:34 UTC 2006 |
Next time you get asked an annoying Indian question, answer it like
this...read on, it's fu
Q. What does that red dot on women's forehead mean?
A. Well, in ancient times, Indian men used to practice archery
skills by target practicing by aiming at their wife's red dot. In
fact, that is one of the reasons why they had many wives. You see,
once they mastered the art of archery and hit the target....
Q. You're from India, aren't you? I have read so much about the
country. All the wonderful places, the forests, the snake charmers,
the elephants. Do you still use elephants for transportation?
[note: This one we were actually asked in August '93 by a real
estate agent when house-hunting in Boston.]
A. Absolutely. In fact we used to have our own elephant in
our house. But later, we started elephant-pooling with our neighbors,
to save the air. You see elephants have an "emissions" problem.....
Q. Does India have cars?
A. No. We ride elephants to work. The government is trying to
encourage ride-sharing schemes.
Q. Does India have TV?
A. No. We only have cable.
Q. Are all Indians vegetarian?
A. Yes. Even tigers are vegetarian in India.
Q. How come you speak English so well?
A. You see when the British were ruling India,they employed Indians
as servants. It took too long for the Indians to learn English. So the
British isolated an "English-language" gene and infused their
servants' babies with it and since then all babies born are born
speaking English.
A variation to the above is a compliment ---
"You speak very good English."
Response: Thanks. So do you.
Q. Are you a Hindi?
A. Yes. I am spoken everyday in Northern India.
Q. Do you speak Hindu?
A. Yes, I also speak Jewish, Islam and Christianity.
Q. Is it true that everyone there is very corrupt?
A. Yes, in fact, I had to bribe my parents so that they would let me
go to school.
Q. India is very hot, isn't it?
A. It is so hot there that all the water boils spontaneously. That is
why tea is such a popular drink in India.
Q. Are there any business companies in India?
A. No. All Indians live on the Gandhian prinicples of
self-sufficiency. We all make our own clothes and grow our own food.
That is why you see all these thin skinny Indians -- it is a lot of
hard work.
Q. Indians cannot eat beef, huh?
A. Cows provide milk which is a very essential part of Indian
diet. So eating cows is forbidden. However in order to decrease the
population of the country, the government is trying to encourage
everyone to eat human meat.
Q. India is such a religious place. Do you meditate regularly?
A. Yes, sometimes I meditate for weeks without food and drink. But it
is difficult to keep my job, because I have to miss work when I
meditate like that. But the bosses there do the same thing. That is
why things are so inefficient there.
Q. I saw on TV that people there walk on burning coals. Why do they
do that?
A. We don't have shoes. So we burn the botton of our feet to make it
hard so that we can walk.
Q. Why do you sometimes wear Indian clothes to work?
A. I prefer it to coming naked.
Q. How do you celebrate Thanksgiving day in India?
A. By roasting an American....
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