| Grex > Glb > #32: Coming Out Stories |
| response 47 of 254: | 
Oct 2 05:00 UTC 1998 |
Forgive me if my story is a little..fluffy. It's long, it's drawn out, and I'm not sure what parts of the story are integral. I'm not sure when I knew I was bi. The closest I can think of is when I started noticing the media's portrayals of sexy. I looked at pictures of women models, but I'd look at some of the guys, too. Then I got into porn when I was in middle school and I'd read some Playgirl as well as Playboy and Penthouse while I was sneaking around. When I turned 18, and was legal, I would include reading some gay porn whenever I visited the local porn shop. I started noticing other guys somewhat when I was finishing high school. Sometimes I snuck a peek whenever and whever I was at a urinal, and sometimes I took lingering looks in the locker room, especially towards the showers. Then it hit really hard when I started college. A friend of mine introduced me a little more to Depeche Mode, and I eventually developed a bit of a crush on the songwriter. I think it started out of a joke we started with someone else..I forget how it started, but then he asked me, "Don't you think he's [Martin Gore] sexy?" and I replied, "Oh yeah, I think he's totally sexy." I tried to make on that I was kidding, but I said it and meant it. In an odd way, he was a role model to me. I remember one night we had a hall meeting and I was wearing a bandana like a girl's head band to pull my long bangs out of my face. Someone said that looked femmy and I said I didn't care. I got a sly smile from some guy a few days later that seemed so coy I got pleasant shivers and the heebie-jeebies at the same time. I crashed out of school, having problems with manic-depression, but not yet knowing it. I managed to find myself with a psychiatrist, who diagnosed me as ADD. I moved on to the community college. Two guys in my choir class were in the process of coming out; I had broad hints they were gay. I came out to one of them, who I knew from high school. He began to introduce me somewhat to the local community. Although I couldn't see it, a girl in our choir was bi. I went to the other guy's coming out party, but it was a real drag and his boyfriend was a real asshole. I came out to my best friend, who didn't take it well at all. In part from his reaction, I went back into denial. My sister was in the process of coming out-- she had a girlfriend, but had a number of beards she thought would erase some suspicion. I didn't tell her. I told my parents, and I don't think it totally sunk in. Later, my father mentioned the time I "thought I was gay," which proved to me he didn't seem to get the idea of bisexuality. I met someone I knew from high school who thought I was an annoyance. I mentioned I was ADD and his opinion changed of me. We got to be good friends. More about him later. I went to Whitman next, and I just had a hard time keeping the closet door closed. A few gay guys I met in Food Service suspected something about me, and I gave a few hints. But I resisted any invitations to the student organization. But, after the end of the first year I was there, I had to stay at a friend's apartment for a night. I wound up a little drunk and agreed to receive a blowjob from a guy who was staying there. When I came home, after crashing out of school again, my new-found friend drew closer to me. We obsessed about general male sexuality. It didn't dawn on me at first, but he would 'wine and dine' me. After a while, he came out to me. Later, he confessed his feelings for me. I didn't think it would work out, and I was scared. Now I know many of you don't agree, but I still cling to my beliefs. He got really bold once and pulled up some gay porn on AOL. He wanted to compare gentalia. I just about freaked, but, I admired what he had. I had an overwhelming urge to bend down and suck him. That scared me so bad I haven't talked to him for a while. One summer I had a physical relationship with a bi woman, which was interesting. Here at Grex, I met someone who flat out asked me if I was bi. He'll remain nameless, but we talked a lot by phone, e-mail, etc. More to come..
| response 48 of 254: |
Oct 2 06:10 UTC 1998 |
<sigh> Well...here goes... I was about 19 (two years ago) when I started seriously thinking about it. My friends had all "accused" me of being bisexual, but I was horribly against it (not bisexuality, but them *telling* me who I was). But one night at work, I started thinking about my friend and what it would be like to kiss her. Imagine my surprise when I got all flushed... =) Well, I pushed it down 'til I went back to Northern to visit my friend Rachael. We were at a party and ended up sharing a bed since there wasn't any room. In a half-sleep daze, I put my arm around her and lay on her chest. She kissed the top of my head, and out of habit from having boyfriends, I reached up and kissed her lips before I lay back down on her chest. Then, my eyes flew open as I realized I was with *her*. Heh... Well, she looked at me, smiled, and kissed me...hard. It was great, but she knew I wasn't ready to go any further. I didn't do much when I was 20 except hint at who I was (not out of fear...I just wasn't used to it). I started dating Kevin, and he was the first guy to go down on me on a regular basis. I had always been afraid of what it was like for the other person, hence the reason I didn't sleep with women. Well, he got me used to the idea of it, and I kept imagining it was a girl from my English class, then a girl from work the next semester. He and I broke up, and I started hanging out with Jen. Jen and I would go party then crash at her place. We only had sex twice, but it was amazing. I kept thinking that all was good, but I realized I didn't want to *date* a woman...even though I love them. I've known a girl for a few months (nameless since she's on Grex), and the more I hang out with her, the more I realize (and what a shock it was) I could date her. I love her and want to spend time doting on her. Why aren't we dating? Oh...all of you should find this familiar. This wonderful creature is straight. She has no idea how I feel, and I intend to keep it that way. So, I've been telling my friends, and most of them are bi anyway so it's no big deal. I feel weird admitting it 'cause so many people are getting used to girls *wanting* to be bisexual, so they think I'm a wannabe half the time. Oh well...you can't win. My parents still don't understand. As in, it's like they don't hear me when I start to tell them. If they ever look it up in the dictionary, they'll just chalk it up to "their daughter being weird again" and love me anyway. <shrug> It's the era they grew up in, I guess.
| response 49 of 254: |
Oct 2 11:27 UTC 1998 |
well, gypsi, it sounds like your parents grew up in a more tolerant era than mine did. my ex-wife and i came out to my parents at denny's, the day before mothers' day in 1992 (yet another example of the chronic bad timing with which my family seems to be afflicted). my father looked like he was going to have a stroke and my mother looked like she was going to pass out. being unwilling to toss a scene in denny's, my parents asked us a few questions, pointed out that they thought we were wrong, and my mother said she would pray for me since she thought i would be happier if i were straight. then my parents went (i presume) to an air show and my ex-wife and i went home. about two weeks later, i received a registered, somewhat nasty letter from my father stating that he and my mother wanted to take *just me* out to lunch and that i should plan it so we would have about two hours for discussion. on the appointed day, we went to the bombay bicycle club (it was a better restaurant then than it is now) for lunch and made small talk during our meal. afterward, we retreated to my parents' car where my father presented me with a typewritten list of reasons to stop being a lesbian, every one of which i calmly and logically refuted. the list contained things like: i was going to be passed over for promotions at work or even lose my job, my ex-wife's kids were going to be taken away from us, i needed to think about the negative affect associating with me had or was going to have on my friends' lives, my ex-wife and i were going to acquire hiv, we were violating laws of god and nature, et cetera. then he offered to pay for me to see a psychiatrist so i could get cured and to pay for me to move to another apartment away from my ex and her kids so the two of us would no longer be an evil influence on them. i declined his offers. my parents drove me home and since then, each of them has mentioned my orientation to me exactly once, in private where the other one couldn't hear, tangentially.
| response 50 of 254: |
Oct 2 20:17 UTC 1998 |
Now that earns Points. Coming out at Denny's.
| response 51 of 254: |
Oct 3 04:39 UTC 1998 |
My parents haven't reacted because they still don't fully understand what being bisexual is...but if they did they'd probably throw a fit for a while then remember how much they love me. As my dad would say, "Well, at least you didn't KILL anyone, even though you'll still go to hell for this." =)
| response 52 of 254: |
Oct 3 17:41 UTC 1998 |
...great... <rolls eyes>
| response 53 of 254: |
Oct 3 18:54 UTC 1998 |
re #50: i think you'd be surprised at how many significant events in my life have occurred at denny's. :)
| response 54 of 254: |
Oct 4 15:20 UTC 1998 |
To conclude my diaper story: At college I started to have an occasional pants pooping accident. By the time it was my third year in college, I had decided to tell my friends about my love of diapers. One of my friends would even come with me occasionally when I would go to buy diapers. Eventually, I decided to see about cloth diapers, so I ordered some. From there my infantilism began to increase what I wanted to do with it. Well, eventually I told people on Grex, and from there, the rest is history. END
| response 55 of 254: |
Oct 5 05:11 UTC 1998 |
,,,,,,,,,,,hmm, the, story itself is rather long and drawn out but my comming out was pretty much the anticlimatic thing of the year ;\|) had too much other, shit to worry about,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,./
| response 56 of 254: |
Oct 6 12:56 UTC 1998 |
Sounds like you both had too much shit to worry about.
| response 57 of 254: |
Oct 6 18:51 UTC 1998 |
jazz, pretty much ;) (btw sorry abou the ,'s folks)
| response 58 of 254: |
Oct 8 02:35 UTC 1998 |
*sigh* So now I continue. I really swooned over this guy. He was gentlemanly, among many other things I found attractive. He made me feel loved and special. He also wanted to find out about my church. Things were just rosy until he talked to some members of my church, two who were gay and one who was bisexual. They told him they were card-carrying members so they could keep their benefits of membership, but they were very bitter. So then he tells me that I was living a lie in a lying church, essentially, and that I needed to move, and that I needed to leave my church. I wouldn't, so he doesn't talk to me anymore. At about the same time, I had transferred here to CWU. I was really tense. There was my attraction to a couple in my church congregation that I mentioned earlier. Incidentally, I didn't know they were a couple at first. I noticed each of them separately. But I began to lurch when I did find out and thought of the implications if I told them. I was hungry for love, attention, and romance. It seemed like I was on the hunt-- it seemed I noticed more guys, in addition to girls, than before. I had marriage on the brain, too. I met a bi woman at a G.A.L.A. dance and we became friends. We hung out quite a bit until one of her friends did the one night stand with me and I was afraid of further trouble. I also came out to a church member friend who then came out to me when I asked for help. She suggested checking out the LDS Affirmation webpage. I did. I cruised the web and found a lot of information, but I also got back into porn through linked sites. (I had previously given up the habit.) I came here, albeit reluctantly. Allow me to thank you all for being supportive. I didn't like LDS Affirmation much. It seemed really geared towards gays and lesbians, and I found out why. It seemed they were a little unhappy with bisexuals who ultimately claimed Het Privilege (hey, look, a coin termed here is part of my vocabulary!)-- leaving homosexual relations to be married to MOTOS partner to stay in the church. Someone at administration e-mailed me, but he cut off contact when I clung to my beliefs. Gee, and I was hoping he would mail me a bi porn video. (Geez, the paradoxes in my life so far.) I won't mention the plethora of things that happened when I started coming out here. It was really messy, and Robert can empathize because I think he was referring partly to some events I was indirectly involved in. Thanks for your continued support, Bob. I fell in love with a girl when I worked as Santa Claus last Christmas. I was really uptight about it, but I came out to her right away before any attraction happened so she knew where I stood. We started dating. She was young-- 16 and 1/2 at the time, but I didn't know it until she told me. Then she took me to see In & Out. I cried and laughed a lot because I could empathize quite a bit. It seemed I was coming in and out. She could see I was upset, so we didn't watch the next film, as we were at a discount theater. I wound up sobbing in her arms later that night. I truly believed no Mormon girl could ever love me if she found out I was bi. She accepted it for a time, then tossed it back in the backwash of all the problems (all my problems, I might did) I dumped on her. So I turned to the girl I am now engaged to. We became fast friends and she seemed to take my coming out better. I won't go over how we grew to love each other, but I'll return to this thread in a minute. I was bursting at the seams and wanted to go public. My church leaders understood, for the most part, but they were concerned my churchmates would be scared and ostracize me. I reluctantly agreed, for my beliefs mean a lot to me and I figured things would eventually work out for the best. Besides, they didn't need to know, anyway. I went to live with one church guy who I had a crush on and his personality, once revealed in all its glory, permanently turned me off to him. No one else was a temptation, if you'll excuse the expression. As I said, Julie..yes, Julie and I grew close and became engaged. A few months later, she started mentioning the attractions she'd had to women and even commented on young women bouncing down the street or across campus when we were out driving or walking together. About a month ago, she started coming out to me. I am almost certain that she doesn't mind me mentioning this, but she has recently come to Grex and I feel this should be handled carefully as this is a very delicate situation. She scoured the campus library for books on bisexuality and came up with one. She found a little info on the Web but got wrapped up in explicit bi sex stories. She's upset. She's scared of herself. It seems to me she wants to keep the closet door firmly closed unless someone knocks. There's nothing wrong with that-- my only clue to the public is my 'Hate Is Not A Family Value' button on my backpack, with a rainbow border-- but she is distraught. A few of you have met her. Be careful, but please, help me. She is in just as an unusual situation as I am-- except I beat myself up inside for 5-6 years and she's just now realizing it. I finally experimented. It was a lousy situation-- getting groped by and giving oral sex to some unknown guy under a bathroom stall. But I took care of things so it wouldn't interrupt our marriage plans. But she has been to the temple and can't experiment without losing some privileges. Please don't tell me our church isn't worth it-- it is. The 'you're living a lie' argument really hurts me. I just need help during this difficult situation. thanks
| response 59 of 254: |
Oct 8 03:18 UTC 1998 |
Wolf born in a zoo Dancer caught in a minefield True nature in chains (Warning: do NOT take poetry literally or personally!)
| response 60 of 254: |
Oct 8 05:09 UTC 1998 |
You aren't living a lie since you have remained true to yourself. Your church is worth it since you're fighting for your belief in that church and it's obvious you love it. It's possible to have true faith and be yourself...it's just more work. I support you fully because you're an honest and good person. <hugs> Hang in there...
| response 61 of 254: |
Oct 8 22:45 UTC 1998 |
Thank God someone empathizes, because I'm sick of the bullshit. I don't worry too much now, but I do worry about Julie. But I guess the same advice applies..just would be nice to hear it.
| response 62 of 254: |
Oct 9 04:27 UTC 1998 |
smiles and hugs!!!
| response 63 of 254: |
Oct 9 05:58 UTC 1998 |
Hugs to Julie too, then. =) I've been reading her stuff in poetry...she's a wonderful girl. You two deserve each other.
| response 64 of 254: |
Oct 9 17:01 UTC 1998 |
Yeah, I fail to see how having a different interpretation of a
religion than someone else qualifies as "living a lie". I've even run into
people who've been gay and believed it was a moral sin, and that's not really
living a lie either, since I've known people who've believed they were
committing other moral sins. <shrug> It's all just pissy backlash to some
of the things people do in Christ's name.
| response 65 of 254: |
Oct 9 22:20 UTC 1998 |
Eventually, I left the church, because it wasn't worth it toThe church thing just isn't my gig anymore, but to each their own. I know you're probably sick of advice, but I feel compelled to give some after hearing such a sad story. There are churches out there that accept gays, lesbians, and bisexuals-- in fact, there are entire churches composed of...You might find a great deal more peace and acceptance by seeking one out. Good luck at whatever you decided.
| response 66 of 254: |
Oct 11 22:40 UTC 1998 |
Well, the thing is that I found-- it's not the religion-- it's *the people*. So-- I still believe in what I do, even though I've seen a lot of folks claim they followed God's teachings (so I don't mean just Christians) and then do things I just knew weren't keeping in spirit with those teachings. My sister attended a church with a gay congregation for a while. My folks were hesitant at first, but they were glad that at least she was attending church. What I am sick of is when the community gets its own self-righteousness. They hold to the motto, "Hate Is Not A Family Value," and then argue with me and even sometimes never speak to me again when I try to hold on to my religion. They tell me I'm living a lie, that I'm not being fair to myself, that I'm in denial, etc., etc. I am *so* sick of that, and so I'm trying to find the best of both worlds, because I could lose no matter what I do. And I did give things a shot, even though it was terribly risky. I still feel folks have no right loudly arguing against a person's opportunity to choose, even if they think they know what's going on.
| response 67 of 254: |
Oct 12 02:37 UTC 1998 |
AMEN ;)
| response 68 of 254: |
Oct 12 02:50 UTC 1998 |
You're living a lie = the way you're living rubs our noses in the fact
that we're trying to believe a bunch of lies
You aren't being fair to yourself = turning off your brain and being
well-programmed robots like us is fairly easy
*OR* = what you're doing makes us more than
fairly uncomfortable.
And so on.....
| response 69 of 254: |
Oct 12 04:39 UTC 1998 |
Lumen - I do believe the Episcopalian church has a very lenient view on gay lifestyles. They'll probably be the first church to perform gay marriages if it ever gets legalized. (Hmmph). Of course, I've always referred to Episcopalian as "Catholic Lite"...all of the religion, half of the guilt. =)
| response 70 of 254: |
Oct 12 09:16 UTC 1998 |
I'm not a Christian. I don't normally associate with very many Christians because of that whole "homosexuality is a sin" thing (which I should add, is not entirely "just" a Christian thing to do). I do, however, have some friends who are Christians. The reason why I get along with them is because they don't try and cram they're beliefs down my throat, nor I there's. There are many Christians out there who follow this belief: Judge not lest ye be judged, which I think is about the wisest thing to come out of the Bible. My advice is to stop hanging the Christians who tell you that you're "living a lie" and find the Christians-- gay or straight-- who will accept you for who and what you are. , ,
| response 71 of 254: |
Oct 12 14:07 UTC 1998 |
People who "try to cram their beliefs down your throat" are
propagandizing, and propaganda is as much to reinforce the beliefs of the
propagandizer as the potential convert.
I find that I have friends of all stripes - some Christian, some Pagan,
some Buddhist, one or two Peepist, a few Jews and agnostics. The common
denominator between them all is that they have reasons for, and a sincere
belief, their faith. I don't get along very well with people who are
religious for social reasons or because it was simply the way they were
brought up.