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Grex > Agora41 > #8: Tickle your funny bone even if you aren't a spring chicken | |
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| Author |
Message |
| 25 new of 257 responses total. |
albaugh
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response 225 of 257:
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May 9 21:30 UTC 2002 |
A GOOD PUN IS ITS OWN REWORD
Energizer Bunny arrested - charged with battery.
A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.
Practice safe eating - always use condiments.
A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
If electricity comes from electrons,
does that mean that morality comes from morons?
Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Corduroy pillows are making headlines.
Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome?
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Banning the bra was a big flop.
Sea captains don't like crew cuts.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.
Without geometry, life is pointless.
When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination.
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
--------------------------------------------
Alarms: What an octopus is.
Crick: The sound that a Japanese camera makes.
Dockyard: A physician's garden.
Incongruous: Where bills are passed.
Khakis: What you need to start the car in Boston.
Oboe: An English tramp.
Pasteurize: Too far to see.
Propaganda: A gentlemanly goose.
Toboggan: Why we go to an auction.
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tsty
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response 226 of 257:
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May 13 18:52 UTC 2002 |
A mother and her son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to
Chicago. The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his
mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby
cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the
stewardess.
So the boy asked the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs and
big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
The stewardess responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?"
The boy admitted that this was the case.
"Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because
Southwest always pulls out on time.
Your mother can explain that to you."
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albaugh
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response 227 of 257:
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May 13 21:00 UTC 2002 |
Classes for men at our local Learning Center:
NOTE: Due to the complexity and difficulty of their contents,
each course will accept a maximum of 8 participants.
Topic 1 - How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays.
Step by step, with slide presentation.
Topic 2 - The Toilet Paper Roll: Do They Grow On The Holders?
Roundtable discussion.
Topic 3 - Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting
The Seat Up And Avoiding The Floor/Walls And Nearby Bathtub? Group practice.
Topic 4 - Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper And The Floor.
Pictures and explanatory graphics.
Topic 5 - The After-Dinner Dishes And Silverware:
Can They Levitate And Fly Into The Kitchen Sink? Examples on video.
Topic 6 - Loss Of Identity: Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other.
Helpline support and support groups.
Topic 7 - Learning How To Find Things, Starting With Looking In The Right
Place Instead Of Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming. Open forum.
Topic 8 - Health Watch: Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health.
Graphics and audio tape.
Topic 9 - Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost. Real life testimonials.
Topic 10 - Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly
As She Parallel Parks. Driving simulation.
Topic 11 - Learning To Live: Basic Differences Between Mother And Wife.
Online class and role playing.
Topic 12 - How To Be The Ideal Shopping Companion Relaxation.
Exercises, meditation and breathing techniques.
Topic 13 - How To Fight Cerebral Atrophy: Remembering Birthdays,
Anniversaries, Other Important Dates Calling When You're Going To Be Late.
**Upon Completion Of The Course Diplomas Will Be Issued To The Survivors.
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senna
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response 228 of 257:
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May 13 23:30 UTC 2002 |
It's one thing to make demeaning jokes about men, and quite another to make
"jokes" that aren't really very funny at all. That was fairly mediocre as
offensive jokes go.
I like the Southwest arilines one, though, having heard none of it before.
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jaklumen
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response 229 of 257:
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May 14 08:57 UTC 2002 |
resp:227 damn, I graduated with honors from that course, and I didn't
even need to attend. But I've always been a f**kin' momma's boy.
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oval
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response 230 of 257:
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May 14 20:31 UTC 2002 |
i need to take that course. (except the peepee part.)
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slynne
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response 231 of 257:
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May 14 20:41 UTC 2002 |
Heh, my female roommate could use that course too, especially the one
about the toilet paper roll!
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jaklumen
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response 232 of 257:
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May 15 01:09 UTC 2002 |
Next on Battling Jokes of the Sexes: women who insist the toilet seat
be down, but fail to ever clean what lurks beneath it.
(My sister-in-law doesn't insist, but ewwww.. scrub the bowl!)
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eeyore
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response 233 of 257:
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May 15 03:13 UTC 2002 |
I agree...I won't do that to a guy.
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jazz
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response 234 of 257:
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May 15 15:08 UTC 2002 |
I feel for my sisters that have to contend with the seat being either
up or down, but, honestly, what kind of dumbass doesn't look to see whether
the seat is up or down before sitting?
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eeyore
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response 235 of 257:
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May 15 15:12 UTC 2002 |
My mother always says to use house rules. If she's at my uncle's (a
bachelor), she always leaves the seat up when she's done.
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keesan
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response 236 of 257:
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May 15 15:33 UTC 2002 |
It is possible for women to use the toilet with the seat up and men to use
it with the seat down. And people used to squatting to squat with their feet
on the seat or the bowl.
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jmsaul
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response 237 of 257:
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May 15 16:03 UTC 2002 |
That might be okay in public toilets where they've got industrial strength
equipment, but I'd be mightily pissed if someone stood on the toilet bowl at
our house and broke it...
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gull
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response 238 of 257:
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May 15 17:08 UTC 2002 |
Sooner or later someone will try it, slip, hit their head, and sue.
Then the rest of us will be stuck with toilet seats covered with gritty
traction tape.
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slynne
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response 239 of 257:
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May 15 17:42 UTC 2002 |
I remember once seeing an ad for a stand you could put on your toilet
to turn it into a squat toilet. I thought that was kind of funny.
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tsty
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response 240 of 257:
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May 15 18:01 UTC 2002 |
Subject: Save the airlines
Washington D.C. 20591
Dear Sirs; I have the solution for the prevention of
hijackings, and at the same time getting our
airline industry back on its feet.
Since men of the Muslim religion are not allowed to
look at naked women we should replace all of our
female flight attendants with strippers.
Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear
of seeing a naked woman, and of course, every
businessman in this country would start flying again in
hope of seeing a naked woman.
We would have no more hijackings, and the airline
industry would have record sales.
Now why didn't Congress think of this?
Sincerely, Bill Clinton
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jp2
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response 241 of 257:
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May 15 18:02 UTC 2002 |
This response has been erased.
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tsty
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response 242 of 257:
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May 15 18:17 UTC 2002 |
Date: Wed, 15 May 2002 07:21:10 -0400
Subject: Cagle Cartoon: Nate Beeler, The Best College Cartoonist of the
Year!
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gelinas
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response 243 of 257:
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May 16 02:06 UTC 2002 |
Re 234: A wet one.
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scott
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response 244 of 257:
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May 16 23:32 UTC 2002 |
(taken from www.netscrap.net):
Feel the force Mother Fuc*er
The TOP 10 Things We Want To Hear Samuel L. Jackson's
Character 'Jedi Master Mace Windu' Say in the Star
Wars Prequels.
10. You don't need to see my goddamn identification, 'cause these
ain't the motherfuckin' droids you're looking for.
9. Womp rat may taste like pumpkin pie, but I'll never know, 'cause
even if it did I wouldn't eat the filthy motherfucker.
8. This is your father's lightsaber. When you absolutely, positively,
have to kill every motherfuckin' stormtrooper in the room...
accept no substitutes.
7. If Obi-wan ain't home then I don't know what the fuck we're gonna
do. I ain't got no other connections on Tattooine.
6. Feel the Force, motherfucker.
5. What ain't no planet I've ever heard of! Do they speak Bocce
on What?
4. You sendin' the Fett? Shit, Hutt, that's all you had to say!
3. Yeah Chewie Rocky Horror's got a hair problem. What the brother
gonna do? He's a wookie.
2. Does Jabba the Hutt look like a bitch?
1. Hand me my lightsaber... it's the one that says, 'Bad MotherFucker.'
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senna
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response 245 of 257:
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May 17 00:44 UTC 2002 |
I've seen that one before, or a variant that included quotes from movies that
aren't Pulp Fiction. Thing is, all of Samuel L. Jackson's best quotes are
from Pulp. All of 'em.
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scott
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response 246 of 257:
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May 17 03:33 UTC 2002 |
I dunno; I'm very partial to "My ass may be dumb, but I ain't no dumbass" from
Jackie Brown.
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flem
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response 247 of 257:
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May 17 14:27 UTC 2002 |
http://www.ebaumsworld.com/sjackson.html
(requires flash)
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other
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response 248 of 257:
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May 17 16:35 UTC 2002 |
A great sigfile I just saw in a /. posting:
"Computer games don't affect kids; I mean if Pac-Man affected us as
kids, we'd all be running around in darkened rooms, munching magic
pills and listening to repetitive electronic music."
--Kristian Wilson, Nintendo Inc, 1989
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oval
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response 249 of 257:
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May 17 18:24 UTC 2002 |
heh ..
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