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| Author |
Message |
| 14 new of 15 responses total. |
allida
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response 2 of 15:
| 
Jan 23 23:06 UTC 1999 |
it is my first attempt at a sonnet :P hopefully i will get better as i go :)
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orinoco
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response 3 of 15:
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Jan 24 18:31 UTC 1999 |
really? I thought I'd seen sonnets of yrs posted in this conf. a while ago.
I guess I'm just confused.
My suggestion would be to try to change the word order to it's more natural,
i.e. "I store a knot for you somewhere in me" rather than "I store for you
somewhere a knot in me". I know it's tempting for me when writing sonnets
to try and mimic Shakespeare's reversed word order, but in fact even
Shakespeare keeps his sentences in normal word order whenever he can.
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allida
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response 4 of 15:
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Jan 24 18:49 UTC 1999 |
hmmm i guess i didn't try all permutations... i don't remember writing thatat
all wehn i was doodling ;P
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lumen
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response 5 of 15:
|
Jan 25 07:30 UTC 1999 |
well, just getting it out is good..
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bookworm
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response 6 of 15:
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Jan 27 05:04 UTC 1999 |
Good work for a first. I'm given (mostly by experience) to know that it is
mostly by practice that poetry becomes better. It is by sharing that it
becomes good.
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toking
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response 7 of 15:
|
Feb 17 16:33 UTC 1999 |
personally I like it, but I think orinoco's resp:1 is right, a bit
forced
(linked to new poetry conf)
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md
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response 8 of 15:
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Apr 21 11:31 UTC 1999 |
What I like best about it is the way the poet
varies the scansion of the pentameter lines.
Some of the variation might be the by-product
of a new sonnet-maker striving simply to write
lines with ten syllables in them, but (I'm
giving away a secret here) that's how it's done
much of the time. The result in this case is
quite musical.
As to its being "forced," that's the #1
criticism people direct at a poem written in a
traditional verse form. But this sonnet isn't
any more "forced" than most of the free verse
I read here. In my mind, the free verse I read
here is the verbal equivalent of graphics; this
sonnet is a painting. Each has its place, but
you can't criticise one with the same tools
you'd use to criticize the other.
*Very* nice start.
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orinoco
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response 9 of 15:
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Apr 22 13:23 UTC 1999 |
<nods> I'll admit I tend to be more critical of traditional-form poetry.
In particular, once my brain realizes a poem is in pentameter, it tries to
force the whole thing into baDA-baDA-baDA-baDA-baDA....so the variations in
the rhythm tend to annoy me, rather than making the poem more interesting to
me.
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md
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response 10 of 15:
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Apr 22 14:12 UTC 1999 |
Much of the music of formal verse come from the little tensions
between the baDA-baDA-baDA-baDA-baDA in your head, and
such lines as:
Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?
A little learning is a dangerous thing
Oh, there is blessing in this gentle breeze
Pale pink convolvulus in tendrils creep
He will not go behind his father's saying
Who cares if some one-eyed son of a bitch
Not to mention Lear's famous
Never, never, never, never, never.
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arianna
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response 11 of 15:
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Apr 22 21:10 UTC 1999 |
trust conversation of traditional styles to bring the old-school poetry cf'ers
outta the woodwork.. (;
the whole "knot" thing reminds me of a poem from ye ol' poetry conference
(poetry1, #443)....
I've never tried to write a sonnet; I think I'd like to try now.
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md
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response 12 of 15:
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Apr 22 21:43 UTC 1999 |
I hope you do try, Arianna. If you want any
encouragement or suggestions along the way,
the mailbox I read is mdelizia@aol.com.
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arianna
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response 13 of 15:
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Apr 22 22:21 UTC 1999 |
why t;ank you, you may be hearing from me soon. (;
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flem
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response 14 of 15:
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Jun 2 03:10 UTC 1999 |
The line "and hits you hardest in structures untried" seems awkward to
me. Staring at it, the substitution "and hits you hardest, scrapes the
wounds you hide" occurred to me. Also, some punctuation before "but
know, dear" might help make that sentence clearer, as well as providing
a rhythmic pause to accentuate the change in tone.
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flem
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response 15 of 15:
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Jun 2 03:12 UTC 1999 |
Oh, and it's quite good overall. This is a keeper. :)
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