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| Author |
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| 25 new of 318 responses total. |
tod
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response 178 of 318:
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Feb 1 16:57 UTC 2006 |
re #172
I have an extra freezer and a big bag of dolemite lime but I'm not a hunter.
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jep
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response 179 of 318:
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Feb 1 17:02 UTC 2006 |
My brand new 13 year old stepson got punched by his father over the
weekend; a reaction to the boy's mother marrying me. The boy said his
father made a number of violent comments as well, which I am not going
to repeat here.
His mother and I filed separate reports with Child Protective Services
yesterday and so did two school counselors. We're going to do our best
to make sure the kids don't have to see their father any more. (They
don't want to, they are all afraid of their father.)
So here I am, been married for a week and a half, and I'm involved in
separating my stepkids from one of their parents. This has produced a
bewildering variety of feelings for me. (Glad to get them out, sorry
and a bit guilty that the boy was being hit, unhappy they won't be
seeing their dad, anxious about a number of related things.)
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nharmon
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response 180 of 318:
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Feb 1 17:10 UTC 2006 |
John, I would recommend that you or your wife file for a personal
protection order on behalf of your stepson against his father. Document
your stepson's recollection of the situation while it is fresh in his
memory and photograph any bruises or markings that are as a result of
the abuse.
If his violent comments were in the form of threats against you or your
wife, it would be a good idea to seek PPOs on your behalf as well. This
way if he tries to confront either of you in public, he is toast.
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twenex
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response 181 of 318:
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Feb 1 17:23 UTC 2006 |
Holy crap. Good luck, commiserations, and several other sentiments all at
once.
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jep
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response 182 of 318:
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Feb 1 17:38 UTC 2006 |
re resp:180: Thanks for the suggestions! I appreciate them.
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tod
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response 183 of 318:
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Feb 1 17:49 UTC 2006 |
Sorry to hear about the fallout from your marriage. I hope you're explaining
the options to the kid so he doesn't feel like you're forcing him into
anything. (Yea, you can tell the kid you don't want him to ever see the mean
abusive bastard ever again but he might resent you for it if you don't instead
include him in such decisions. After all, if he ever decides to get
rebellious then he can go visit his dad to spite your authority.)
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jep
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response 184 of 318:
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Feb 1 18:27 UTC 2006 |
Presentation of what's going on is a major concern of mine. I'm
worried about helping the kid to not feel like he is betraying his
father. I'm balancing between describing what happened to him "abuse",
and portraying his father in as positive a manner as I can because
that's his dad. I'm trying to make the kid feel safe, when he's
telling me he's already gotten hit and he's terrified if he goes back
to his dad, he'll get hit (and otherwise punished) even more. Then
there's the aspect that he doesn't know me well and doesn't like me
much. Then there's his two sisters (the older of whom stopped going to
see her dad a year ago). And the "normal" issues of blending a step-
family. It is fortunate that I can generally only think about one
thing at a time, or I might be starting to feel overwhelmed.
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richard
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response 185 of 318:
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Feb 1 18:40 UTC 2006 |
jep, you must take into account that this is a thirteen year old. kids that
age often crave attention. I would not discount the possibility that he is
either making this story up or (more likely) exaggerating it. You cannot
simply take a teenager's word for something as gospel. The kid knows this
story will help you help him get away from his dad. Think about it.
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tod
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response 186 of 318:
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Feb 1 19:02 UTC 2006 |
re #184
Sounds like you're on the right path. You may be the step-dad and feel not
liked too much but I think the important thing is that you're willing to
listen and show interest in his thoughts and things important to him.
While I agree with richard that kids crave attention, at the same time I think
its important to be willing to listen. Richard makes an interesting point
because I think alot of teens around that age want to focus more on their new
found social skills and social circles rather than dealing with
responsibilities like homework or going to dad's or going to bed on time, etc
etc. but violence should always be taken seriously. At the same time though,
this is the kid's dad and one episode isn't enough proof of anything is it?
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nharmon
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response 187 of 318:
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Feb 1 19:04 UTC 2006 |
It is if there are marks.
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marcvh
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response 188 of 318:
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Feb 1 19:06 UTC 2006 |
One episode of a father punching his 13-year-old son certainly sounds
like proof of a propensity to violence to me (absent some sort of
unusual mitigating circumstances.) How many incidents should it take?
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slynne
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response 189 of 318:
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Feb 1 19:08 UTC 2006 |
Sorry to hear about the family tension, jep.
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aruba
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response 190 of 318:
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Feb 1 19:22 UTC 2006 |
Sorry to hear about the trouble, John. That's a rough beginning for you as
stepfather.
I have to disagree with Richard, though - a lot of teenagers don't want
attention from their parents at all. They'd rather be left alone. At
least, that's my experience.
When I got a new stepfather at the age of 13, I didn't like him either. It
took a long time.
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tod
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response 191 of 318:
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Feb 1 19:23 UTC 2006 |
re #188
How many incidents should it take?
Depends on the circumstance of the incident. If the kid is smacking his
sister around and mouthing off when told to stop then that's different than
say if the kid says something at dinner about jep and gets cracked in the lip
for it.
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jep
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response 192 of 318:
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Feb 1 19:27 UTC 2006 |
re resp:185: I will give every bit of credence to my stepson's word
that I can possibly do. He has never lied to me yet as far as I know.
He will have to prove to me I can't trust him before I will question
his integrity.
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jep
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response 193 of 318:
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Feb 1 19:35 UTC 2006 |
I should add that there is definitely reason to believe that violence
has occurred at his father's house. My wife left him because of
domestic violence His 15 year old daughter won't go to his house
because of violence.
Reports from kids are very hard to prove to police and the courts. You
can do lots of things to your kids before anyone will intervene.
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tod
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response 194 of 318:
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Feb 1 20:13 UTC 2006 |
Best wishes to you and the family
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jadecat
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response 195 of 318:
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Feb 1 20:51 UTC 2006 |
John- best of luck with everything. :) And congrats on your recent
marriage! :)
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keesan
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response 196 of 318:
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Feb 1 21:03 UTC 2006 |
John, have you made any progress in getting permission to spend time with your
former stepson?
I finally put together the perfect computer - lots of ISA slots, everything
worked, until last night when the MGP card was somehow interfering with the
onboard printer port, which led Jim to poke around and somehow the keyboard
plug fell out while it was turned on and then it would only boot if we took
out the MGA card and now it won't boot at all, after we switched all the
drives and cards between the two computers because I needed an MGP card in
one of them (to run the TTL monitor). SOmeone is going to send us a 600MHz
board to replace this 500MHz one but it has less useful slots and it ATX.
I prefer the non-ATX so you can plug the monitors into the computer. My other
non-ATX computers have only 2 ISA slots (for sound, TTL, and modem). This
took an entire day of moving parts around to figure out, I had the problem
solved (remove the MGA card, it booted) and now it won't boot again.
And the nice Viewsonic 17" monitor is displaying yellow text (but R G B in
the setup screen).
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richard
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response 197 of 318:
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Feb 1 21:16 UTC 2006 |
jep I hope everything works out, but do you really feel comfortable being
involved at this point since you aren't a custodial parent in this instance?
How would you feel if your ex-wife's new husband asserted himself into your
son's business, when its between you and his mother?
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tod
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response 198 of 318:
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Feb 1 21:23 UTC 2006 |
He's living in the same house so its gonna happen regardless of legal custody
arrangements. I can't believe you'd second guess him since obviously the
mother is the one that's already made the decision by marrying jep.
I'd be a lil weirded out if jep wasn't involved in parenting but living in
the same house cuz that'd be signs of a doomed marriage. Parenting is not
easy and taking on a husband is prolly like getting another kid in the house.
jep deserves major creds for making his new family work.
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richard
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response 199 of 318:
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Feb 1 22:43 UTC 2006 |
tod, do you know how many marriages have broken up because a step-parent
attempted to parent and caused issues. If jep had been married to this woman
for many years it would be one thing, but he just moved in and already he's
filing papers on behalf of his new stepson. How long has he actually known
this kid? Parenthood over a teenager has to be earned if it is not
biological. I speak from experience. When I was a teenager, my dad got
married again twice. I accepted one of his other wives as a parental figure,
but not the other one, because one was a relationship built over many years.
That was my decision, not his. When you are that age, your mother/father
CANNOT simply make another person your parent by marrying that person. I
honestly think JEP is making a mistake filing paperwork and getting directly
involved here when he married this woman only days ago.
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tod
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response 200 of 318:
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Feb 1 22:53 UTC 2006 |
Well richard, I also speak from experience. My stepmom is a saint and always
looked out for my best interests even though i didn't always like what her
opinions on matters were.
Flipside of that, my mom's 2nd husband was an idiot. He didn't give jack
squat about my life except when my mom would complain that i was late getting
home from school.
Bottom line is, you can't be married to someone with kids and expect to skirt
your role as another adult i.e. parental figure in the house. You don't like
the fact that someone becomes a step-dad through marriage? That's tough shit,
dude. People get divorced and married alot in this country. I think its
wrong to live under the same roof with somebody's kids without being a
responsible parental figure. hell, kids dont get shown enough affection from
their biological parents as it is..they don't need a "housemate" married to
their parent that disappears into the shadows when shit gets rough.
If you were getting your ass smacked around by a parent and come home to a
step parent that doesn't show any concern then that's sad as hell, man.
I see nothing wrong with being involved with your family..biological, step,
adopted, or whatever. Don't be such a bitchy victim, richard.
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twenex
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response 201 of 318:
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Feb 1 22:56 UTC 2006 |
*ISA* slots?!
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jep
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response 202 of 318:
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Feb 1 22:56 UTC 2006 |
I don't see my former stepson much, or even talk to him on the phone
much. It's been a long time for him, and he has pretty well moved on
with his life. I've had little choice but to do the same.
My wife has custody of her 3 kids. I have made it clear to them from
the start of my relationship with their mother that I will never try to
replace their dad. Nevertheless, I have a lot of responsibility for
those kids.
Anyone who becomes aware of child abuse is obligated to step in and do
what is necessary (and what he can) to protect the child. Surely that
is in no way a controversial statement, is it? I can't see any way
that I as a stepfather could be less obligated to take appropriate
steps. And further, the boy explained in some detail to me things that
happened which I consider abusive. He asked me for help. No decent
person could refuse to at least try to help. Could they?
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