response 135 of 594:

Jul 8 03:04 UTC 2003

I was understaffed and overstressed today.  I fear tomorrow may be 
similar.

response 137 of 594:

Jul 8 23:22 UTC 2003

Hm, I dont know where to begin.
 About a week and a half ago I had to deal with the hardest thing in my life.
I'm still dealing with it, but I seem to be ok as of now.
 His name was Victor, and he took his own life. He suffocated himself, but
how he did is not actually as important as I thought it was. He was 26, nearly
27.
 At his wake, his funeral, walking down the streets, passing Jimmy Johns al
I can/could do is look for him... but he wasnt there. Its very odd for someone
who is always around to not be around anymore.
 Nothing could really be said to make me feel better. But then again, what
can you say when something like this happens? No words can bring him back,
and no words can ease the heart and mind. For most of the day I didnt really
say anything. I got hugs, told people what happened and cried alot. I
eventually found a friend who somehow managed to make me feel somewhat better.
When I found him all I could do was hug him, and after I told him what
happened I couldnt let go. He held me for awhile, and held my hand for most
of the night. He didnt try any words, and I thank him for that. Every time
I've seen him since he's asked how I was doing, and knowing that he cares
helps. I cant really express what I would like to him, but I think he knows
I love him.
 I havent cried in several days, although I'm starting to as I write this.
I dont really know what to say. I've felt numb the enitre time. Empty, and
alone. While I know I'm not alone its hard to accept the fact that someone
I loved very dearly is gone forever.
 At his funeral I spoke of him, and it helped. I told the people of the fun
times I had with Victor, and I told them what he meant to me. 
 At this point in time all I can is continue to live my life and remember him.
But its still hard.

response 139 of 594:

Jul 9 00:55 UTC 2003

I am sorry to hear of your loss, Staci. Suicide is a hard way to lose 
someone you love. 

response 141 of 594:

Jul 9 03:20 UTC 2003

Staci, I grieve for your loss.

I also have lost friends to suicide.  I was angry at them, especially 
the first time it happened.  How *dare* he do that?  He dropped a bomb 
on the people who loved him; his mother, the rest of his family, his 
friends, all who knew him.  Like Todd said, it is the most selfish act 
there is.  It hurts other people to the degree they care about you.

I might have a different perspective on it if it ever happens in my 
life again.  Suicides are calling out for attention in the most 
serious way they can, because they think nothing less than that is 
going to work.  Or else they're so miserable (lonely, sad, hopeless, 
in pain, desperate) they just can't stand it any more.  Or else they 
don't know what they're doing; they're so insane they don't 
understand.  There are other reasons... but if you imagine their state 
of mind, sitting somewhere by themself with a gun in their mouth or on 
top of a tall building or with drugs or whatever... it is terrible 
that anyone would have to feel that way.

Of the people I've known who have gone that way, they all had 
alternatives.  They all had someone who would have done *anything* to 
save them, to stop them, to ask/beg/persuade/force them to 
reconsider.  I think, in all of those cases, *they* *didn't* *know* 
anyone felt that way.  And no one knew they felt the way they did, 
either.

I think I'm over being angry at those people in my life who took their 
own lives.  They did a very selfish thing... but it's pretty selfish 
of me to be mad at them about it, too, especially now, after it's too 
late.

For now... mourn.  It's good to let it out and to let people share 
what they can to try to help you.  Maybe a lot of it doesn't make any 
sense to you now, but later on, some of it will come back and it'll 
help you to feel better then.

response 143 of 594:

Jul 9 12:19 UTC 2003

Mine, too.

response 145 of 594:

Jul 9 14:41 UTC 2003

Anyone who calls suicide a selfish act is speaking from an entirely 
irrelevant perspective.  The state of mind which produces the act 
prevents one from seeing it as anything but the only route of escape from 
absolutely unbearable circumstances.

Suicide is an act borne out of deep illness, not selfishness.  We should 
mourn only that we were too late to realize and help those who needed it, 
not what they took from us.

response 147 of 594:

Jul 9 15:56 UTC 2003

 Thank you to all. And I think I'll stay out of the debate on suicide being
selfish.

response 151 of 594:

Jul 9 20:00 UTC 2003

 re #149
 Thank you for your comfort, but I have to agree with Twila. There is no way
I could ever hate Victor. Even more so now that he is gone. 
 While suicide is somewhat selfish, it is also very selfish to hate someone
because they are no longer around. What about the things the person was going
through at that point in time? Are they supposed to suffer needlessly because
we are attached to them?
 I do not hate Victor, nor am I angry at him. I'm sad he's gone, and I dont
understand it. But he made his own choices, and even if we think they werent
the best, they were his to make.

  re #148
 Thank you, love. :hugs Anne:

response 153 of 594:

Jul 9 21:43 UTC 2003

I have been there, and so I very deeply empathize.  I miss Tom a lot.  
But all I got was an obituary in the mail, and so the closure was 
rather... muted.

response 155 of 594:

Jul 10 00:44 UTC 2003

        Fair enough, but that's your way - and mine.  Not hers.  She's chosen
her way to see things.  Just respect it.

response 157 of 594:

Jul 10 04:40 UTC 2003

 I'm sorry mother, ubt this isnt my first real death. Victor is about the
fourth person this year, aside from family and Kelly. The difference being
Victor was a close friend, the others being people I barely knew.
 Todd, I can understand what your saying, but I dont agree with it. I'm not
quite sure what else there is to say about it..
 Again, thank you to all for kind words.

response 159 of 594:

Jul 10 13:28 UTC 2003

<hug>