response 11 of 98:

Oct 14 19:18 UTC 2003

Anything posted in the humor item is suspect at best.  Who cares if the 
story is true?

response 13 of 98:

Oct 15 00:35 UTC 2003

I have no idea if this is real, but it came to me in the mail today:

This is an actual letter sent to a man named Ryan DeVries by the 
Michigan Department of Environmental Quality, State of Michigan. This 
guy's response is hilarious, but read the State's letter before you 
get to the response letter.

SUBJECT: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Montcalm County

Dear Mr. DeVries:

It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental 
Quality that here has been recent unauthorized activity on the above 
referenced parcel of property. You have been certified as the legal 
landowner and/or contractor who did the following unauthorized 
activity:

Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet 
stream of Spring Pond.

A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of activity. A 
review of the Department's files shows that no permits have been 
issued.

Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity is in 
violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural 
Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts 
of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan 
Compiled Laws, annotated.

The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams 
partially failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and 
flooding at downstream locations. We find that dams of this nature are 
inherently hazardous and cannot be permitted. The Department therefore 
orders you to cease and desist all activities at this location, and to 
restore the stream to a free-flow condition by removing all wood and 
brush forming the dams from the stream channel. All restoration work 
shall be completed no later than January 31, 2003. Please notify this 
office when the restoration has been completed so that a follow-up 
site inspection may be scheduled by our staff. Failure to comply with 
this request or any further unauthorized activity on the site may 
result in this case being referred for elevated enforcement action. We 
anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this matter.

Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any 
questions.

Sincerely,

David L. Price, District Representative
Land and Water Management Division

********************************************************************************
****************

** Here is the actual response sent back by Mr. DeVries: **

Re: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Montcalm County.

Dear Mr. Price,

Your certified letter dated 12/17/02 has been handed to me to respond 
to.

I am the legal landowner but not the Contractor at 2088 Dagget, 
Pierson, Michigan. A couple of beavers are in the process of 
constructing and maintaining two wood "debris" dams across the outlet 
stream of my Spring Pond. While I did not pay for, authorize, nor 
supervise their dam project, I think they would be highly offended 
that you call their skillful use of natures building materials 
"debris." I would like to challenge your department to attempt to 
emulate their dam project any time and/or any place you choose. I 
believe I can safely state there is no way you could ever match their 
dam skills, their dam resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam 
persistence, their dam determination and/or their dam work ethic.

As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware that they 
must first fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of 
dam activity.

My first dam question to you is: (1) Are you trying to discriminate 
against my Spring Pond Beavers, or (2) do you require all beavers 
throughout this State to conform to said dam request? If you are not 
discriminating against these particular beavers, through the Freedom 
of Information Act, I request completed copies of all those other 
applicable beaver dam permits that have been issued. Perhaps we will 
see if there really is a dam violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and 
Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 
451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 
of the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated.

I have several concerns. My first concern is; aren't the beavers 
entitled to legal representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are 
financially destitute and are unable to pay for said representation -- 
so the State will have to provide them with a dam lawyer. The 
Department's dam concern that either one or both of the dams failed 
during a recent rain event, causing flooding, is proof that this is a 
natural occurrence, which the Department is required to protect. In 
other words, we should leave the Spring Pond beavers alone rather than 
harassing them and calling their dam names.

If you want the stream "restored" to a dam free-flow condition please 
contact the beavers -- but if you are going to arrest them, they 
obviously did not pay any attention to your dam letter, they being 
unable to read English.

In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build 
their unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green 
and water flows downstream. They have more dam rights than I do to 
live and enjoy Spring Pond. If the Department of Natural Resources and 
Environmental Protection lives up to its name, it should protect the 
natural resources Beavers) and the environment (Beavers' Dams).

So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam case can be 
referred for more elevated enforcement action right now. Why wait 
until 1/31/2003? The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice then 
and there will be no way for you or your dam staff to contact/harass 
them then.

In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention to a real 
environmental quality (health) problem in the area. It is the bears! 
Bears are actually defecating in our woods. I definitely believe you 
should be persecuting the defecating bears and leave the beavers 
alone. If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your 
step! (The bears are not careful where they dump!)

Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to 
contact you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this response 
to your dam office.

THANK YOU.

RYAN DEVRIES & THE DAM BEAVERS

response 15 of 98:

Oct 15 13:12 UTC 2003

Nice one, Mark.

response 17 of 98:

Oct 22 17:25 UTC 2003

WHAT IS MARRIAGE? --- Keep U Laffing!

1. Marriage is not a word. It's a sentence (a life sentence).

2. Marriage is love. Love is blind. 
   Therefore marriage is an institution for the blind.

3. Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and
   the woman gets her masters.

4. Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring,
   and suffering.

5. Married life is full of excitement and frustration: In the first year of
   marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, 
   the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak 
   and the NEIGHBORS listen.

6. Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. 
   You order what you want, and when you see what the other person has, 
   you wish you had ordered that instead.

7. Son: How much does it cost to get married, Dad? 
   Father: I don't know son, I'm still paying for it.

8. Son: Is it true Dad? I heard that in ancient China,
     a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her.
   Father: That happens everywhere, son, EVERYWHERE!

9. Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.

10. They say that when a man holds a woman's hand before marriage, 
    it is love; after marriage it is self-defense.

11. When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. 
    But when a 10-year married man looks happy, we wonder why.

12. Eighty percent of married man cheat in America, the rest cheat in Europe.

13. After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin. 
    They just can't face each other, but still they stay together.

14. Before marriage, a man 'yearns' for the woman he loves. 
    After the marriage the "Y" becomes silent.

15. It's not true that married men live longer than single men, 
    it only seems longer.

16. When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of
    one thing - either the car is new or the wife is.


The best portion of a good man's life is his little, nameless, unremembered
acts of kindness and love.

William Wordsworth

response 19 of 98:

Oct 23 15:31 UTC 2003

A friend of mine sent this to me. It made me laugh out loud. 

-----------------------------------------------------------------
This is a laugh for all those women out there who so look forward to 
that wonderful time once a year when they get to be "intimate" With 
their OB/GYN doctor!

In Sydney, Australia, one of the radio stations pays($1000-$5000) for 
people to tell their most embarrassing stories.This one netted the 
winner $5000....

I was due later in the week for an appointment with my gyn. Early one 
morning I received a call from the doctor's office to tell me that I 
had been rescheduled for early that morning at 9:30. I had only just 
packed everyone off to work and school, and it was already around 8:45 
a.m.The trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so I didn't have any 
time to spare. As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort 
over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn't going to 
be able to make the full effort. So I rushed upstairs, threw off My 
dressing gown, wet the washcloth that was sitting next to the sink, and 
gave myself a quick wash in "that area" to make sure it was at least 
presentable. I threw the washcloth
in the clothes basket,donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced 
to my appointment. 



I was in the waiting room only a few minutes when I was called in.
Knowing the procedure, as I'm sure you do, I hopped up on the table, 
looked over at the other side of the room and pretended that I was in 
Paris or some other place a million miles away. I was a little
surprised when the doctor said, "My, we have made an extra effort this 
morning, haven't we?" but I didn't respond.

When the appointment was over, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home. 
The rest of the day was normal...some shopping, cleaning, cooking,etc. 
After school when my six-year-old daughter was playing, she called out 
from the bathroom, "Mum, where's my washcloth?" I told her to get 
another one from the cupboard. She replied, "No, I need the one that 
was here by the sink. It had all my glitter and sparkles in it."

response 21 of 98:

Oct 23 16:46 UTC 2003

One of many jokes that Jim's brother has been sending him from Montana:



The coach had put together the perfect team for the Detroit Lions. The only
thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the
colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a
ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.

Then one night while watching CNN, he saw a war-zone scene in Afghanistan.
In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Afghan Muslim soldier
with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th
story window 100 yards away. KABOOM!

He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.
KA-BLOOEY!

Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph. BULLS-EYE!

"I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"

So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football.
And the Lions go on to win the Super Bowl for the first time in their
history.

The young Afghan is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach
asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother.

"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"

"I don't want to talk to you," the old Muslim woman says. "You deserted us.
You are not my son!"

"I don't think you understand, Mother", the young man pleads. "I've won the
greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring
fans."

"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are
gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two
brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to
keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!"

The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says, "I will never forgive you for
making us move to Detroit!"

response 23 of 98:

Oct 23 20:16 UTC 2003

LOL.  It was a first-timer for me, and I loved it.

response 25 of 98:

Oct 26 03:37 UTC 2003

http://www.ericblumrich.com/nazi.html

response 27 of 98:

Nov 8 05:51 UTC 2003

http://stommel.tamu.edu/~baum/ethel/atrios-dictionary.html

Some of my favorites:

audio'reilly: To adjust the sound level relative to the opponent, either
electronically or vocally, to make one's argument appear stronger.

Colmestrato: An emasculated, harmless "liberal" stand-in included for
purposes of fairness and balance.

limbaughcrisy: loudly denouncing 'degenerate' and illegal behavior, which
one nevertheless secretly practices.

O'Reillyus Interruptus: being cut off from making a really good point or
argument by a radio or cable TV talk show host.  Usually involves being
loudly shouted down, having one's mic cut (if in a studio), or being "potted
down" (if calling in to a radio program).  Odds of this happening are
greatly increased the closer one gets to the truth.

Reductio ad Hannitum: To ask your evil liberal guest something patently
ridiculous, then, while they roll their eyes, accuse them of "dodging the
question"

Scaliosis: condition wherein the afflicted develops a preternatural ability
to read the minds of Constitutional framers at a remove of over 200 years.

response 29 of 98:

Nov 9 08:39 UTC 2003

Come one, come all!  It's the battle of the century!  Conservatives 
vs. liberals!  The prudes vs. the bleeding hearts!  Who's right, who's 
wrong?  See them duke it out!

response 31 of 98:

Nov 9 22:22 UTC 2003

err, which one's which?

response 33 of 98:

Nov 10 19:54 UTC 2003

Re #28: Of course, the right never engages in name calling.   All the
right-wing pundits who keep remarking that John Kerry is "French-looking"
are just trying to be factual, right?