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Grex > Glb > #20: Broken relationships and coming out | |
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| Author |
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lumen
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Broken relationships and coming out
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Jan 9 03:51 UTC 1998 |
Coming out is very hurtful for some, and I wonder about the broken
relationships left in the wake of it. That is-- I'm talking about how people
break up with their opposite sex spouses/financees/partners when they do.
Can it be done with style and grace?
I know someone who has recently come out as bi, and who broke up with his
financee. At the risk of not being discreet, I say he is a Grexer. He told
me of his decision before he made it, which absolutely floored me. I didn't
know what to think-- here was a friend that was like me in a way. But I just
didn't approve of how he was going about his new discovery.
I gave advice, which was wrong, but..I didn't know what else to do. I
should have kept my big mouth shut, I guess. He won't speak to me anymore--
he accused me of not listening, not understanding, and judging him.
How..ironic.
Maybe I'm just different. I've approached things really differently about
myself. Maybe I don't understand..
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| 23 responses total. |
brown
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response 1 of 23:
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Jan 9 04:17 UTC 1998 |
i strongly disagree with gays who dadte MOTSS to "hide"
but many are in denial and don't know it.
hell took me a very long time to come to terms with myself...
who am I to judge?
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orinoco
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response 2 of 23:
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Jan 9 05:22 UTC 1998 |
I've been unbelievably fortunate in this respect - all of my friends have been
very accepting. Part of that is the fact that I wasn't the first in my group
of friends to come out, and so most people had already had a chance to get
over any homophobia they might have. But even still, I've been quite lucky;
I haven't lost any friends, it hasn't come between me and my parents, and I've
never really had to deal with anyone who objected to it.
I think if, sometime down the road, I had a choice between hiding and keeping
a friendship intact and coming out but risking the friendship, it would be
a very hard choice. I've been in the closet once already, it was no fun at
all, and I'm not planning on going back anytime soon - but I wouldn't want
to alienate a new friend. I think in the end I'd wind up waiting until I knew
them well, and then telling them, so that they would already have a positive
impression of me and not see me as 'that queer I just met'.
If it was a relationship in question, it would be emotionally more difficult,
but the choice would be easier - there is no way I'm going to be involved with
someone who can't accept something that is that basic a part of me.
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jazz
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response 3 of 23:
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Jan 9 16:56 UTC 1998 |
The only problem I have with cover dating is it *may* be dishonest to
the person who's being used as "cover" - if they know what they're doing,
then it's nobody else's business if they let friends think they're het, or
gay, or bi, or PVC-vinyl-with-egg-whites freaks.
It's easy to fall on old maternal advice like "if they aren't still
your friends, then they weren't very good friends", and it's true, although
all of us need a good circle of not-very-good-or-close friends to get through
life.
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lumen
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response 4 of 23:
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Jan 10 00:44 UTC 1998 |
In this particular incident, he had made his discovery after a three year
relationship, and the engagement-- so what then? It wasn't exactly 'cover
dating.' He's not gay, so it was less cut-and-dry-- he broke up to free
himself to explore same sex relationships. He seems resistant to do so,
still.
..so confusing..and it's frustrating to see him lash out at anyone who won't
coddle him and agree with his view.
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orinoco
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response 5 of 23:
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Jan 10 03:18 UTC 1998 |
Personally, I think that sort of thing is stupid. I mean, the desire to
explore is one thing, but breaking off an engagement so you can fool around?
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brown
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response 6 of 23:
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Jan 10 17:54 UTC 1998 |
as far as commin guot i was very lucky myself too. kinna came out in
the middle of a streak ( must be something in the water.. i keep
saying that) anyway i haev many good friends gay/straight or
otherwize... guess I'm quietly bi. if people know.. big deal. most
woder i guess. i suprized a few people wheni intro'd them to my bf
;) but what the hey...
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faile
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response 7 of 23:
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Jan 11 00:17 UTC 1998 |
It's funny, because I've been a cover date-- both knowing that I was a
cover date (as in the situation, "Hey, Jess, I need a date to _____ and
I can't take my MOTSS partner, because I'm closeted, will you come with
me?") and when I haven't known... I didn't mind it when I knew, but when
I didn't, and later realized it, I was kind of hurt... just babbling
here....
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lumen
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response 8 of 23:
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Jan 11 02:10 UTC 1998 |
the thing that is so frustrating is that you may know who I'm talking about..I
fear for him because he's loudly broadcasting this and it's getting uglier
all the time. I'd ask for help, but I know he won't accept help if he doesn't
want it. I'm surprised he wasn't all over this conference.
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