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| Author |
Message |
redanjel
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my prison
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Nov 6 17:46 UTC 1999 |
here's another one for the manic-depressive in all of us.
coldness fold your weary arms
your love's not wanted here.
the invitation still extended
granted my undying grief.
sadness dry your mournful eyes
I cried too soon today,
you stole all I had left to hold
regret - my solice, gone.
alone, could you have thought it me
to find myself for want,
disgrace hath shown her noble face
disgrace hath made her mine,
allowed to wollow
mind in space,
her clutches holds ... my time.
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| 10 responses total. |
orinoco
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response 1 of 10:
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Nov 7 07:40 UTC 1999 |
Grr! You keep _doing_ this! You'll give us a wonderful first few lines, and
then sort of taper off..... "Coldness fold your weary arms" is a _great_
line, and I like the way you echo it in "sadness dry your mournful eyes," but
as usual your ending doesn't really do it for me.
Do you tend to write these at one sitting? The one's you've posted sound to
me like the spark of a Really Good Idea, followed by some less-inspired lines
as you try to play that idea out. Is this in fact how you write, or am I
totally missing the mark? In any case, I'd be curious to see what
would happen if you kicked one of these around in your head for a week or two,
and waited for an Equally Good Idea for the ending to strike you.
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redanjel
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response 2 of 10:
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Nov 7 14:51 UTC 1999 |
bingo! Sorry if it's kind of a tease. But you're right, I do write these in
one go. It's usually 4am, and I've gotten home from a night out on the
town..But I'm going to take your advice, and think about the next one for a
week. But I've got to find a topic where I don't compromise my thoughts with
artistic flair.Missing the mark = quite the opposite, your spot on :), "taper
off" = passing out(the next one's going to be sober)
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lumen
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response 3 of 10:
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Nov 9 01:43 UTC 1999 |
you mentioned 'manic-depressive' in your prose introduction.
I'm manic-depressive myself, so you have my attention-- chew on that for
a while, and see if that generates some ideas there.
Although I often compose here at the keyboard, I usually think and
agonize over the ideas for a while, and one poem can take me a while.
Ever thought about writing lines of poetry when you're out drinking?
Gotta strike when the iron's hot and the feelings are raw and sore--
intoxication may have an artistic effect, but your mind is numb, as you
said.
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redanjel
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response 4 of 10:
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Nov 9 11:18 UTC 1999 |
hey, I didn't know that Jon! I was kind of joking with that line, I hope I
didn't offend you. But I think you've got a good idea there, coupled with the
advice of working the raw poem over before submitting the final piece...sounds
like a plan!
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