Reparative therapy-- Change and healing is possible.

Dec 24 05:57 UTC 2001

I realize I'm going to ignite a firestorm of controversy, but to quell 
any possible gossip and to set the record straight, I will have to say 
the following:

Although there is a debate on whether or not sexuality is fixed, I 
believe reparative therapy is possible and that there are deep, 
somewhat unconscious emotional issues involved.

I don't suppose it's a big secret that I have struggled with my 
sexuality; interestingly enough, there was a conference here where I 
felt I could find support and understanding.  It was a relief to let 
out some of the hurt and confusion that I was feeling, and to confide 
where I felt safe.

At about the same time, probably a bit before joining the cf, there 
was a Grexer here that seemed to pierce my veil of secrecy, knowing 
the very issue, and immediately showing what seemed to be support.  
The emotional connection was very, very quick-- it was moments until I 
felt swept off my feet.  We soon were talking on the telephone.  I 
felt so loved, not quite knowing I was being subtly manipulated.

He also seemed interested in my religious beliefs.  It was quite a 
shock to find later that he became very jaded, encouraging me to leave 
my church, leave home, etc.  He was even so bold as to state such on 
the conference.

Curiously enough, the Affirmation chapter I had looked over at about 
the same time wasn't much help, either.  Although they professed to 
adhere to the principles of the religion we held in common, 
denigration and ill talk of its leaders was frequent, as were stories 
about cruising at the conferences, from what some had told me.

This was all before I became married.  Finding that my wife was in 
similar circumstances was somewhat comforting, and yet stressful all 
the same, for it became apparent that our issues were very much our 
own, and we needed to deal with them individually as well.

And yet I stumbled about hurting many in my confusion.  We joined a 
GALA chapter, and although there the support was also nice, it still 
made matters worse.  I will preserve my dignity by not speaking about 
the mistakes I made, but I will answer other accusations that have 
been made, one by yet another Grexer.

There was a period of time when I struggled with the conflicts that my 
actions, my professed principles, and my marriage relationship 
presented.  I didn't know how to resolve it all.

One of my aunts felt prompted to call, and soon I had been provided 
with a number of resources that seemed to give some answers.  I found 
out about the Evergreen program, which is a LDS version of other 
Christian programs such as Exodus.

The basis of the theory on reparative therapy is that there was a 
failure to bond with either the same sex parent or same sex peers, and 
that a sexualization of an emotional need occured some time 
subconsciously.  There is often a history of abuse and neglect, which 
can be by either parent.  Such abuse can be physical, emotional, or 
sexual, which need not be by the father-- cases do exist where mothers 
sexually molest their sons.  Frequently, persons feel feelings of 
alienation, shame, or guilt.  It is important to remember that not all 
people respond with such sexualization; behaviors of violence, 
asexuality, or sexual promiscuity can instead be expressed.  Nor 
should all parents or peers be to blame, for it is all hinged upon the 
perceptions of the individual.  A more complete, yet relatively brief 
synopsis can be found at www.peoplecanchange.com, which is 
nondenominational in nature.

It is fairly common to see a cycle of abuse, where the abused becomes 
the abuser.  If the reader will forgive the example, I do remember 
viewing a gay porn video in which all the scripted scenarios were 
likely based on some sort of experience of sexual molestation, such as 
a piano teacher, a relative, or a neighbor.  It was at once somewhat 
arousing, and yet very, very creepy to me, but it seemed to correspond 
to stories of rape and incest that gay friends had related to me.

I have never experienced such outright abuse, although emotional abuse 
at home was somewhat common, and whether I was willing to admit it or 
not, I had let others manipulate me.  I had a long "friendship" that 
was actually predatory in nature and where I allowed myself to be 
used, to be sucked in although I felt things were uncomfortable and 
wrong.  I was desperate for a good friend, and I was scared when he 
encouraged me to do things that I thought I wouldn't do.  Sexual 
contact was relatively minor, but I did feel somewhat violated.

And yet for years I denied that it was true, continually offering my 
friendship and support, even my news that change was possible.  
Looking back, I could see that he had preyed upon others I knew-- 
whether he fully realized it or not.  He was always trying to get me 
alone, to have his attention, or just have me sit around while he was 
absorbed in the Internet.  He was very disappointed when I got married 
and wouldn't accept my wife as a friend.  In fact, he told me himself 
that he felt hostile and vengeful towards his friend's wives, thinking 
they were abusive, and that he could do so much better than they.

Strangely enough at this time, I realized that much was true with the 
Grexer I mentioned, which shall continue to remain nameless by my 
will.  I do remember that someone else I knew was used up by him in a 
one-night stand, and that this particular person who was used has my 
sympathy despite some of the silly things that he has said and done.

My response, myself, was to find anonymous encounters where I called 
and controlled as much of the shots as possible, since I had felt so 
out of control in the aforementioned instances.  I suppose that 
addiction is more a part of my experience than others, but when you 
consider that I'm manic-depressive, and when I explain a continual 
lack of self-esteem, you may understand further why I acted as I did, 
albeit in error.

It has been my experience, unfortunately, that living the lifestyle 
can be much more lonely than not-- although there is and always be 
individuals who reject the stereotypes, there is well.. fatphobia, and 
a pressure to conform to the ideal of masculinity or femininity (and 
yes, the latter exists.)  Terms and phrases such 
as "ultimate," "clone," "fem" and "butch" seem to underscore this.  
There may be pressure to reject those ideals, alternately.  But at the 
very least, there are often political agendas and image expectations.  
Infidelity and neglect can be very common, because of the hunger to 
fulfill the emotional need of which I have spoken.

Following this road can also be difficult and lonely-- much more 
difficult because of the opposition against such a position, and 
somewhat more lonely *because* so few support it.  But at least for 
me, it has been more fulfilling.  Your mileage may differ than from 
what I have said here-- but at least the idea, and the *true* record 
of success (and despite what detractors may say, I have met success 
stories.. I can even name names) is worthy of research and 
consideration.