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Grex > Agora41 > #62: Griffin Rhys Parton's Spring Item, or New Baby and Still Not Married |  |
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anderyn
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Griffin Rhys Parton's Spring Item, or New Baby and Still Not Married
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Apr 4 21:00 UTC 2002 |
This item has been erased.
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| 76 responses total. |
eeyore
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response 1 of 76:
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Apr 4 21:26 UTC 2002 |
My own two cents:
Kudos for not jumping up every time Griffin cries....I think that it's
wonderful that you are letting Rhiannon learn how to handle him on her own
terms. That's a lot more useful for both her and the baby, as I'm sure that
you will not be around them at all times, let alone at later times when she
has other babies.
If Bradley has the cash to buy expensive presents, then Bradley should have
the cash to do other things, like help pay the hospital bills, buy diapers,
help cover the shots, things like that. Also, how about affording an
apartment? Or someplace for his family to live?
I can certainly understand that he would want 24/7 access to his son...at
least he isn't avoiding him. But if he's not willing to live with Griffin
and Rhiannon, then why should you be willing to live with him? He's not
paying you rent to live with you, and it is Your House, Your Rules. You're
not saying that he cannot be there, you are just asking for some common
courtsey, which Bradley is obviously incapable of dealing with.
Lastly, and most importantly, if I remember correctly, you commented that he
didn't have a job. That's all fine and dandy that his parents allow him to
sponge, but you are certainly not required to. He has a son now, he is
required to help take care of him. You play, you pay. Rhiannon deffinately
didn't manage to get pregnant by herself.
Also, I think that asking for a chart as to where Griffin is is not a hard
thing to ask. Wouldn't *YOU* want to have some idea of where your baby was?
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anderyn
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response 2 of 76:
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Apr 4 21:43 UTC 2002 |
This response has been erased.
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rcurl
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response 3 of 76:
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Apr 4 21:45 UTC 2002 |
It is reasonable to require a phone number for the mother and father,
whereever they are, in case of any emergency requiring that they be
contacted. Any babysitter should require this.
It is reasonable that your costs be covered by the parents. Demand a
payment (but they can decide who makes it how). If you want to make
a subsidy, specify that and ask them to pay the rest.
Consider getting a court order if there is resistance.
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mooncat
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response 4 of 76:
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Apr 4 22:31 UTC 2002 |
Umm, regarding the title to this item- do you REALLY want Rhiannon to
marry this guy?
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eeyore
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response 5 of 76:
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Apr 4 22:33 UTC 2002 |
I was wondering myself, but.....:)
There are pros and cons to getting the courts involved. The good thing is
that maybe it would get Bradley more involved in a more productive type of
way. However, it could potentially alianate the parents entirely, and make
everything alot more stressful on everybody involved.
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bru
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response 6 of 76:
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Apr 4 22:43 UTC 2002 |
I sat down and talked with bradley adn he doesn't come across tome the way
Twila says he does to her. This makes me think he is hiding something. (Yes,
I trust Twila more than I do him, whats so surprising about that?)
I also believe he is being manipulative. I have seen him handle Rhiannon is
what I consider inappropriate ways before, and he did something in a similar
vein today. (Like he doesn't hink rhiannon knows enought to make her own
decisions. He isn't violent or cruel around us, but he is manipulative and
forceful with her.)
I think giving him 12 hour a day access to our home is plenty. I do realize
that he wants to have access after he gets off work as well, but I do not
believe he needs to be in my house after 9:00 P.M. Twila and I have a right
to expect some time to ourselves without other people in the house while the
night winds down and we get ready for bed.
If, once the baby is a little older adn on a schedule they can handle, he
wants to take rhiannon and the baby over to a freinds house and return later
than 9:00 pm, that is his right. But is not something they should do while
she and the baby are recovering. Adn when they do that, all we ask isthat
they notify us that they will be out until X time, and where they can be
reached should we have need to reach them.
We are not directly contributing any money for the young family. In fact,
while rhiannon is living in our house, she has to pay rent. Brad has agreed
to pay Rhiannon $75 a week for the baby, which is more than fair, but Rhiannon
is afraid to ask him for it, adn he has not as yet given it to her as far as
I know. And it is not my place to ask him for it.
But we do not want to raise the baby. WE have told them we need to be able
to walk out of the house at nay time we so desire without having to worry
about whether the baby is being taken care of. It is his and Rhiannos
responsibility. But we also need to know that it is covered.
Thats why we want a schedule.
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bru
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response 7 of 76:
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Apr 4 22:44 UTC 2002 |
Re #4. Not really, but it is her decision to make.
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keesan
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response 8 of 76:
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Apr 4 23:25 UTC 2002 |
Would it work to require Bradley to pay $75/week towards your rent as his
share of expenses, and then you would know if he has paid that week? I don't
know if you would want to deny him entrance on weeks that he did not pay.
When Rhiannon goes back to work will she be making enough, combined with the
$300/month, to afford to live in another apartment?
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jazz
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response 9 of 76:
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Apr 4 23:37 UTC 2002 |
It sounds like the two of you are handling a difficult situation with
calm and rational thought. The only danger here is that you may set a
precedent few others are willing to follow. ;)
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jep
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response 10 of 76:
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Apr 5 01:32 UTC 2002 |
I think Bruce said he doesn't want to keep tabs on Bradley. It's
Rhiannon's job to get her support money from him.
If I'm ever in a situation like Bruce and Twila, I hope I'm half as
reasonable about handling it. I think they're doing a fabulous job so
far.
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aruba
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response 11 of 76:
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Apr 5 02:04 UTC 2002 |
It sounds to me like Bruce and Twila are being very reasonable, too.
I confess that the part about a 24/7 schedule does push my buttons, and I
have some empathy with Bradley when he doesn't want to commit to somethng
like that. I understand he has responsibilities, though, and he needs to
unerstand it too. Could he maybe get a pager so that you would always be
able to contact him if necessary? Or would that not help?
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anderyn
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response 12 of 76:
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Apr 5 02:16 UTC 2002 |
This response has been erased.
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keesan
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response 13 of 76:
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Apr 5 03:02 UTC 2002 |
That is not too much to ask if you are babysitting. I found it rather
annoying when I was her age and living with my parents in the summer and my
mother insisted on knowing where I was at every moment, after having managed
to take care of myself at school without reporting to anyone. If you are
treating her as a roommate you don't need to know where she is all the time
unless she has left you taking care of the baby. I might ask my roommates
where and when they were going in case someone called for them, but not insist
on knowing.
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richard
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response 14 of 76:
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Apr 5 04:07 UTC 2002 |
if rhiannon is paying you rent, maybe she should get her own apartment
after a few months time. There must be some cheap rentals around. This
would solve the visitation issue and Rhiannon could still bring the baby
over to you whenever necessary. I know you want to help them, but making
it TOO easy for them isnt really helping them is it? Tell Bradley he's
got a few months only grace period before he HAS to start paying for a
roof for his child. And it might be better for Rhiannon anyway, as
living at home with her parents, she can slip into the role of both child
and parent, when really she's not supposed to be a child anymore.
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eeyore
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response 15 of 76:
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Apr 5 04:34 UTC 2002 |
Honestly, any cheap rentals in the area are probably places you wouldn't
want a child to be. Believe me, I've been trying to find cheap rentals.
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jep
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response 16 of 76:
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Apr 5 04:41 UTC 2002 |
It's very handy to have some extended family around when you have a
baby for the first time. I wouldn't be *too* eager to push Rhiannon
out the door on her own with this kid Bradley. He clearly isn't up to
taking much responsibility right now. Not even for himself, much less
a family.
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russ
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response 17 of 76:
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Apr 5 05:11 UTC 2002 |
Re #0: Peace is easy to come by. If Bradley isn't allowed to darken
your door, you'll never argue with him. Problem solved.
Your problem with Bradley appears to be that he's selfish, irresponsible
and manipulative. I think you're absolutely right. Rhiannon seems to
do a lousy job of standing up for herself, and that's a shame both for
her and for Griffin. However, you can't do that for her.
I think you could do a lot by focussing on the positive, such as when
Bradley is going to have an income that will let him get his own place
and support himself and both of his dependents. If he finds this kind
of question irritating, by all means ask him in front of Rhiannon.
The faster she finds out what kind of person he is, the better.
If she's at all frustrated with him, practice role-playing with you or
Bruce in the place of Bradley so she learns how to pin him to the wall.
I feel for you with respect to the grandchild, but if neither parent is
really fit to provide support I think adoption is the best option. ASAP.
Re #6: You should probably march Rhiannon down to Friend of the Court
and fill out the support paperwork. Once it's legal, he's got a lot
fewer ways to weasel out. (If anyone is looking for a contradiction
with item 27, give it up; Bradley volunteered and is demanding "rights".)
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jep
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response 18 of 76:
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Apr 5 16:08 UTC 2002 |
I don't think Russ has a bad idea there at all, in making sure there's
an enforceable order for child support.
I don't see any point in trying to make it more contentious for
Bradley. Russ, that would seem to imply your goal is to get rid of
him. It'd be better if he steps up and becomes a good father.
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mary
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response 19 of 76:
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Apr 5 20:52 UTC 2002 |
It really sounds like you are saying one thing and yet doing another,
Twila. You want her to be grownup and make grownup decisions yet you want
to know where she is 24/7, like she's 13. That she is living in your
house (as an adult) doesn't give you that right. And I think the message
you are sending is "I'm your mom and you are a child under my control."
The same thing with the schedule. It should be understood she is *always*
the primary caregiver and the only time she can think otherwise is if she
asks you for specific help and you agree. A schedule hints at expected
help (and dependency on you).
I've yet to meet an immature adult who didn't get that way, to great
deal, because of parents who didn't know how to let go. Really and
truly let go.
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eskarina
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response 20 of 76:
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Apr 5 21:05 UTC 2002 |
In the ideal world, it would be easy to say that since Rhiannon and Bradley
are both adults with a child, they should be let to do their own thing and
shouldn't be monitored at all. From a distance, of course the 24/7 monitoring
of who is giving the child care sounds completely unreasonable.
But then you get up close and notice that the father (I don't think I've heard
enough about the mother to judge) is fairly irresponsible, maybe even likely
to neglect a very young child. There is an infant living under your roof,
who you aren't certain is going to be taken care of. For me, even if I had
no relationship to the parents whatsoever, I would feel somewhat responsible
to do something, in the "preventing child abuse" sort of sense.
This is why we have the government meddling in people's business taking care
of their children. We feel a need to put the children of people who are
addicted to crack in other people's homes temporarily to ensure that their
physical needs are met. Of course that's extreme. Of course I have no
answer.
Has Rhiannon ever lived away from home? Looking back, I matured tremendously
after I moved out of my parents house (OK, so I had about a year of doing
everything my parents told me not to do discovering why it was bad to do it).
How old is she? How old is Bradley?
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russ
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response 21 of 76:
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Apr 6 03:07 UTC 2002 |
Re #19: I dunno, Mary. How much of an adult is someone if they
have never made it to true independence? Nature bestows age,
but true adulthood is earned.
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bru
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response 22 of 76:
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Apr 6 05:08 UTC 2002 |
I haven't seen that they make enough between them to get an apartment. If
they decide to marry and get an apartment, I am more than happy to go along
with it.
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tsty
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response 23 of 76:
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Apr 6 06:07 UTC 2002 |
in theri 'strapped' circumsances, i could see $5/day .. what you
used to be able to travel europe on (grammar exception). but that
would be all of ~$150 pre month.
if the two of them cannot come up with that , and expecially
if bradly wants 24/7 unrestricted accesss (as if he OWNS the place),
a different circumstance is needed for griffin.
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jmsaul
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response 24 of 76:
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Apr 6 06:14 UTC 2002 |
Re #22: What if they decide not to marry, and get an apartment?
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