mdw
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response 14 of 124:
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May 15 06:58 UTC 2002 |
I don't know that I'm likely to have any good advice. Singles bars &
dance clubs typically are smokey (I detest cigarette smoke), plus there
is this dancing thing (I don't dance), the music is rarely the sort I
seek out, & it's usually so noisy you can't talk anyway. Shout, maybe.
If I were serious and clueless about this, though, here's what I'd do.
First, I'd visit the place, pick a dark corner out of the way, and just
watch. Every place has its different "norms", and what would be
appropriate behavior in one place is going to be flat out unacceptable
elsewhere. What I'd be looking for is patterns in how groups come in
and associate, how strangers interact, &etc. Some places may turn out
to have mostly couples that come in pre-associated - other places may
have singles who come in to meet other people, or gays, or lesbians, or
older people, or younger, etc. In some places, different groups may
come on different nights. I might be able to pre-prune places by asking
friends first. When strangers meet, I'd watch to see what they do.
This varies by culture, region, and a whole bunch of other stuff, so if
I wasn't a local, I might well have good reason to be clueless.
So far as actually what to say when actually meeting women; there's
definitely no one good thing that will work for everyone. For some
people, there is nothing good you could say. It's almost certainly
worth getting used to the notion of "rejection" and expecting a lot of
false starts. Even if you say the right thing to them, there is also
the possibility that you may quickly realize you *don't* want to know
them; so you should be prepared for this too. You can often read a lot
about a person's character from their appearance and demeanor. Fancy
clothes = they may care about their appearance. Book stuck into purse =
might read. Every culture, and local micro-culture, has tons more
clues. Learn to read them. As a general rule, most women respond
positively to compliments about their appearance. This does not mean
comments about their breast size (at least not in the american
mid-west); but comments about hair style, eye color, necklace, dress,
etc., are usually good. If there's something unusual or striking about
the person, mentioning that is good, even better if it's something
subtle - it shows you actually paid attention to the person, and might
be interested in them for their personality and not just as a lump of
meat. It's not bad to start with your name, as "Hi, I'm Tim. I
couldn't help but notice your hair; I really like that color." If this
is a dance hall, where singles meet, you might be able to just follow
that up with "Would you like to dance?" Or, in the case of a
singles-bar, the established norm (and here's where that research will
come in handy!) may be to say "Would you like a drink?"
As a general rule, I think that when meeting a new person, there are
several things you/that person what to do. The first is you want to
find out something about the other person, who they are, what they're
about, where they came from, where they're going, all that sort of
stuff. The 2nd is you want to tell that person something about
yourself. The 3rd is, if that person is someone you think you might
want to know better, you want to keep them entertained. The 4th is, if
that person is someone you don't want to know better, you want to find
out quickly, so there are as few hurt feelings or annoyance as possible.
There's stuff you can do even *before* you meet the person, that can
speed all this. The first is figuring out how you dress, what you
bring, and any personal ornaments. Just like being able to comment on a
woman's necklace is useful, what you wear yourself for your tie, watch,
t-shirt, jacket, shoes, if you bring a book, sketch pad; all these are
making a personal statement about yourself and your values, and some of
these may provide an "ice-breaker" - something for a woman to say to
*you* that they're interested in you, that gives you an opportunity to
say something about yourself, or an excuse to have an interesting tale
to tell.
Doing something usual, or being unusual in some way, can definitely
provide your opening line for you. When I was a kid, I found I could
meet a lot of people, and incidently hone an artistic skill I wish I had
kept up, by asking to sketch people. Some people say "no". Some people
say "yes". Sometimes, people who say "no" for a photograph will say
"yes" for a sketch. Since it was the practice that was important to me,
I usually gave the sketch to the people involved. I met a lot of people
as a teenager this way, and this takes almost no people skill at all,
just artistic talent. As an adult, I've found a motorcycle sometimes
works the same way.
I can tell from the above that jazz/bru/void have their minds in the
gutter, and remmers/rcurl are definitely way higher class. The two r's
are also doing something else less obvious; besides sorting out what the
woman is about, they're saying something about themselves. Occasionally
I wish I had the balls to do the former, but I'm afraid I've long since
decided I'd much rather know a lot more about a woman before moving to
that stage of things. "Creepy stares" comments always scare me; I'd
hate to come across as creepy, but I think there's something essentially
creepy about the whole process of meeting members of the other sex.
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