The Fall 2000 Agora humor item

Sep 23 05:18 UTC 2000

Post items of a humorous nature here.

response 2 of 157:

Sep 23 05:31 UTC 2000

A P.C. version of "Little Red Riding Hood"


THE SCARLET OPPRESSOR


There once was a young person named Little Red Riding Hood who lived on
the edge of a large forest full of endangered owls and rare plants that
would probably provide a cure for cancer if only someone took the time to
study them.

Red Riding Hood lived with a nurture-giver whom she sometimes referred to
as "Mother," although she didn't mean to imply by this term that she
would have thought less of the person if a close biological link did not,
in fact, exist. Nor did she intend to denigrate the equal value of
nontraditional households, although she was sorry if this was the
impression conveyed.

One day her mother asked her to take a basket of organically grown fruit
and mineral water to her grandmother's house.

"But Mother, won't this be stealing work from the unionized people who
have struggled for years to earn the right to carry all packages between
various people in the woods?"

Red Riding Hood's mother assured her that she had called the union boss
and gotten a special compassionate mission exemption form.

"But, Mother, aren't you oppressing me by ordering me to do this?"

Red Riding Hood's mother pointed out that it was impossible for women to
oppress each other, since all women were equally oppressed until all
women were free.

"But, Mother, then shouldn't you have my brother carry the basket, 
since he's an oppressor, and should learn what it's like to be oppressed?"

And Red Riding Hood's mother explained that her brother was attending a
special rally for animal rights, and besides, this wasn't stereotypical
women's work, but an empowering deed that would help engender a feeling
of community.

"But won't I be oppressing Grandma, by implying that she's sick and hence
unable to independently further her own selfhood?"

But Red Riding Hood's mother explained that her grandmother wasn't
actually sick or incapacitated or mentally handicapped in any way,
although that was not to imply that any of these conditions were inferior
to what some people called "health."

Thus Red Riding Hood felt that she could get behind the idea of
delivering the basket to her grandmother, and so she set off.

Many people believed that the forest was a foreboding and dangerous place,
but Red Riding Hood knew that this was an irrational fear based on
cultural paradigms instilled by a patriarchal society that regarded the
natural world as an exploitable resource, and hence believed that natural
predators were, in fact, intolerable competitors.

Other people avoided the woods for fear of thieves and deviants, but Red
Riding Hood felt that, in a truly classless society, all marginalized
peoples would be able to "come out" of the woods and be accepted as valid
lifestyle role models.

On her way to Grandma's house, Red Riding Hood passed a woodchopper,
and wandered off the path in order to examine some flowers.

She was startled to find herself standing before a wolf, who asked her
what was in her basket.

Red Riding Hood's teacher had warned her never to talk to strangers, 
but she was confident in taking control of her own budding sexuality, 
and chose to dialog with the wolf.

She replied, "I am taking my grandmother some healthful snacks in a
gesture of solidarity."

The wolf said, "You know, my dear, it isn't safe for a little girl to
walk through these woods alone."

Red Riding Hood said, "I find your sexist remark offensive in the extreme,
but I will ignore it because of your traditional status as an
outcast from society, the stress of which has caused you to develop an
alternative and yet entirely valid worldview. Now, if you'll excuse me, 
I would prefer to be on my way."

Red Riding Hood returned to the main path, and proceeded toward her
grandmother's house.

But because his status outside society had freed him from slavish
adherence to linear, Western-style thought, the Wolf knew of a quicker
route to Grandma's house.

He burst into the house and ate Grandma, a course of action affirmative
of his nature as a predator.

Then, unhampered by rigid, traditionalist gender-role notions, he put on
Grandma's nightclothes, crawled under the bedclothes, 
and awaited developments.

Red Riding Hood entered the cottage and said, "Grandma, I have brought
you some cruelty-free snacks to salute you in your role of wise and
nurturing matriarch." 

The wolf said softly, "Come closer, child, so that I might see you."

Red Riding Hood said, "Goodness! Grandma, what big eyes you have!"

"You forget that I am optically challenged."

"And Grandma, what an enormous - er - what a fine nose you have."

"Naturally, I could have had it fixed to help my acting career,
but I didn't give in to such societal pressures, my child."

"And Grandma, what very big, sharp teeth you have!"

The wolf could not take any more of these specialist slurs, and, in a
reaction appropriate to his accustomed milieu, he leaped out of bed,
grabbed Little Red Riding Hood, and opened his jaws so wide that she
could see her poor grandmother cowering in his belly.

"Aren't you forgetting something?" Red Riding Hood bravely shouted. 
"You must request my permission before proceeding to a new level of intimacy!"

The wolf was so startled by this statement that he loosened his grasp on her.
At the same time, the woodchopper burst into the cottage, brandishing an ax.

"Hands off!" cried the woodchopper.

"And what do you think you're doing?" cried Little Red Riding Hood. 
"If I let you help me now, I would be expressing a lack of confidence in my 
own abilities, which would lead to poor self-esteem and lower achievement
scores on college entrance exams."

"Last chance, sister! Get your hands off that endangered species! This is
an FBI sting!" screamed the woodchopper, and when Little Red Riding Hood
nonetheless made a sudden motion, he sliced off her head.

"Thank goodness you got here in time," said the wolf. "The brat and her
grandmother lured me in here. I thought I was a goner."

"No, I think I'm the real victim, here," said the woodchopper. "I've been
dealing with my anger ever since I saw her picking those protected flowers
earlier. And now I'm going to have such a trauma. Do you have any aspirin?"

"Sure," said the wolf.

"Thanks."

response 4 of 157:

Sep 26 02:41 UTC 2000

<lol>

response 6 of 157:

Sep 27 20:06 UTC 2000

Subject: FW: VIRUS ALERT! READ IMMEDIATELY!!!

Follow instructions carefully.

You have just received the "Polish Virus".

As we don't have any programming experience, this virus works 
on the honor system.  Please delete all the files on your hard drive
and wipe your entire system out, then manually forward this virus 
to everyone on your mailing list.

Thanks for your cooperation.

response 8 of 157:

Sep 27 20:48 UTC 2000

<falls down laughing at #6>

response 10 of 157:

Sep 28 00:30 UTC 2000

I first saw that one as the "Linux virus", the joke being that there aren't
really any viruses for Linux because it isn't full of Windows' style security
holes.

response 12 of 157:

Sep 28 02:52 UTC 2000

Poles are mostly picked on because most of the cultural activities in Poland
which were regarded as significant by the rest of the world pretty much ceased
when the much put-upon Jewish population of Poland left or was removed before
and during WWII.  The point being that the Jew were the primary practitioners
of said cultural activities, and when they left, it was dramatically apparent
(no pun intended) that culturally speaking, Poland had just (with Hitler's
help) shot iself in the foot... or in the right cerebral hemisphere.

response 14 of 157:

Sep 28 04:24 UTC 2000

I read that joke as "The Amish Virus."

response 16 of 157:

Sep 28 13:33 UTC 2000

When I read this joke, it was the "Aggie Virus". Must be a Texas thang. :)

response 18 of 157:

Sep 28 14:26 UTC 2000

Not only did the Poles side with Jews, some of them were/are Jewish.

I may have a biased view due to my father's side, which is 100% Polish and
mostly first generation, but I've always known Polish people to be extremely
hard-working, dependable, loyal, headstrong, good with money, and faithful. 
This may not hold true as you go down in generations (which become "American"),
but I see it more often than I see a "dumb Polack".

Of course, these are just jokes, and it's a bit silly to analyze them.  ;-)

response 20 of 157:

Sep 28 15:43 UTC 2000

Jews who escaped from the Warsaw Ghetto were shot by the Polish 
Resistance.  They weren't cooperating with Hitler, but they sure hated 
Jews.  (Hebrew 101: "yesh yehudim b'polanya?"  "eyn. eyn yehudim 
b'polanya."  "Are there Jews in Poland?"  "There are none.  There are 
no jews in Poland.")

response 22 of 157:

Sep 28 19:01 UTC 2000

Exactly.  =)  

response 24 of 157:

Sep 29 01:23 UTC 2000

Government organization?