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Holiday Greetings
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Dec 21 18:16 UTC 2000 |
Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit
our best wishes for an environmentally conscious,
socially responsible, low stress, non-addictive, gender
neutral, celebration of the winter solstice holiday,
practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the
religious persuasion of your choice, or secular
practices of your choice, with respect for the
religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of
others, or their choice not to practice religious or
secular traditions at all . . .
. . and a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling,
and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset
of the generally accepted calendar year 2000, but not
without due respect for the calendars of choice of
other cultures whose contributions to society have
helped make America great, (not to imply that America
is necessarily greater than any other country or is
the only "AMERICA" in the western hemisphere), and
without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical
ability, religious faith, choice of computer platform,
or sexual preference of the wishee.
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ashke
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response 1 of 3:
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Dec 21 18:28 UTC 2000 |
Subj: Employee Christmas Party
TO: All Employees
RE: Christmas Party
DATE: December 1
I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on
December 23, starting at noon in the banquet room at Luigi's Open Pit
Barbecue. No-host bar, but plenty of eggnog! We'll have a small band
playing traditional carols...feel free to sing along. And don't be
surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will
be lit at 1:00 P.M. Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that
time, however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts
easyfor everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees!
A special announcement will be made by our CEO at that time! Merry
Christmas to you and your family.
Patty
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FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 2
RE: Holiday Party
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We
recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often coincides with
Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we're
calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to employees who are
celebrating Kwanzaa at this time. There will be no Christmas tree present.
No Christmas carols will be sung. We will have other type of music for your
enjoyment.
Happy now? Happy Holidays to you and your family.
Patty
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FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 3
RE: Holiday Party
Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous
requesting a non-drinking table... you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to
accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that says, "AA
Only"; you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this?
Somebody? Forget about the gifts exchange, no gifts exchange are allowed
since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and executives
believe $10.00 is very little for a gift.
NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.
Patty
* -----------------
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
To: All Employees
DATE: December 7
RE: Holiday Party
What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the
Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during
daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a
luncheon this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees'
beliefs. Perhaps Luigi's can hold off on serving your meal until the end of
the party -- the days are so short this time of year --or else package
everything for take home in little foil swans. Will that work?
Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest
from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the
restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have
to sit with Gay men, each will have their own table. Yes, there will be a
flower arrangement for the Gay men's table. To the person asking permission
to cross dress, no cross-dressing allowed though. We will have booster
seats for short people. Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet.
We cannot control the salt used in the food; we suggest for those people
with high blood pressure to taste first. There will be fresh fruits as
dessert for Diabetics, the restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts.
Sorry!
Did I miss anything?
Patty
* -----------
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 8
RE: Holiday Party
So December 22 marks the Winter Solstice...what do you expect me to do, a
tap-dance on your heads? Fire regulations at Luigi's prohibit the burning
of sage by our "earth-based Goddess-worshiping" employees, but we'll try to
accommodate your shamanic drumming circle during the band's breaks.
Okay???
Patty
* -------------
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
To: All Employees
Date: December 9
RE: Holiday Party
People, people, nothing sinister was intended by having our CEO dress up
like Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of "Santa" does happen to be "Satan,"
there is no evil connotation to our own "little man in a red suit." It's a
tradition, folks, like sugar shock at Halloween or family feuds over the
thanksgiving turkey or broken hearts on Valentine's Day. Could we lighten
up? Please????????? Also the company has changed their mind in announcing
the special announcement at the gathering. You will get a notification in
the mail sent to your home.
Patty
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FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All #%&$**@ Employees
DATE: December 10
RE: The %#*&^%@*%^Holiday Party
I have NO #%&*@*^ idea what the announcement is all about. What the %#&^!
@ do I care...I KNOW WHAT I AM GOING TO GET!!!!!!!!!!!! You change your
address now and you are
dead!!!!!!!!!!!!
No more changes of address will be allowed in my office. Try to come in and
change your address, I will have you hung from the ceiling in the
warehouse!!!!!!!!!!!
Vegetarians!?!?!? I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep
this party at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue whether you like it or not, so you
can sit quietly at the table farthest from the "grill of death," as you so
quaintly put it, and you'll get your #$%^&*! salad bar, including
hydroponic tomatoes. But you know, they have feelings, too.
Tomatoes scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm
hearing them scream right now! HA!
I hope you all have a rotten holiday!
-
FROM: Terri Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: December 14
RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery from
her stress-related illness and I'll continue to forward your cards to her at
the sanitarium.
In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give
everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.
Happy Holidays!
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