lose me, I didn't hear you. caught your silence. say no more. let me go. Sunny days, and golden dreams fill my life. hope. lies. Darkened storms, soul tormented ravage the nights. gone. stop. could time heal rifts plegded by broken hearts? no. time can answer time's own questions. my answers lie in me. will I live? yes. will I die?... shhh. whisper you are already dead.5 responses total.
This is freaky wierd, but I love it just the same. I am especially intrigued by the feel of it right at the end.
The pacing is just delightful! I haven't seen the use of periods within a line-- you made that work brilliantly. I think the pace really does set the feel of the piece; the minimalistic use of imagery compliments the short phrasing well. I tend to favor short poems because I admire those who can speak volumes in such little material, and this is one of them.
thanx for the critique. I find it more comforting when ppl are honest in thier views of my poems. Cos if it sux, I want to know :)
(It takes a lot of work to write a poem that actively sucks...that's why there are bad-poetry contests.... ) I love the first three lines of this, especially "lost your silence". I don't especially like the ending -- it seems a bit too abrupt, and maybe too Twilight-Zone-ish -- but that was the part Julie did like, so this is probably just personal taste speaking. I agree with Jon: the way you break up the lines with periods is an interesting effect.
hehehe.. I do my best to be a good critic.
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