This is a eulogy for Valerie Mates the Grexer. Valerie the person is very much still alive, of course, but Valerie the Grexer has passed. I have a lot of grief (and anger) over her passing, so I decided to write this eulogy. ----------- I first heard about Grex in April, 1992. My roommate Paul brought home a newsletter from The People's Food Coop in Ann Arbor which had a little article about Grex in it. (I learned later that Valerie had written the article.) I had a computer and a 1200 baud modem, so I tried Grex out. I chose the login "mark". I was only on a few times as "mark" - for whatever reason, it didn't really stick. I don't remember much except noticing that there were women on Grex, which was encouraging to me. And one woman in particular. In March of 1994 I was starting a new life, having quit grad school the year before, bummed around for a while, and then started a new job as a programmer. I had no social group, and I have never been very comfortable meeting people. So I remembered Grex, where you could take your time over your responses, and where people seemed friendly. When I ran newuser again and it asked me for a login name, I sat and thought for a long while. I decided I wanted something happy sounding, because I remembered a woman who had the login "popcorn" when I logged in before. To me, popcorn sounds bouncy, happy - lively. I had a map of the U.S. on the wall above my computer, and the Caribbean was just above my field of vision as I looked at the monitor. I remembered a happy time I'd had at a party called "Aruba Night" when I was in college. Hundreds of people have called me aruba ever since. I first met Valerie in person on April 30th, 1994, which happened to be her 28th birthday. That was the first time I walked with the Grexwalkers. She looked just about the way I had pictured her, I think; though it's hard to say now what I pictured. But there was this five-foot-tall person with a big smile who seemed to be the center of attention. She had black hair with a few strands of gray. I remember her seeing something interesting (I don't remember what it was now) and sprinting 50 feet to get to it, she was so excited. I think maybe I fell in love with her right then. For most of the next few years, Valerie represented, to me, the essence of what Grex was. Friendly, above all. Not in need of strict rules. Welcoming of differences. And excited about life. These were all things that were lacking in my life up to that point, and I was thoroughly taken with them. There are a number of qualities necessary to make any human endeavor work. Good planning. Discipline. Attention to detail. Caring. Thoughtfulness. Determination. Different people can provide different parts of the puzzle. Valerie, it seemed to me, provided excitement for Grex. The joie de vivre. A couple of years after I met her I wrote a piece about being "alive" that might be the thing of which I am most proud. (You can find it in the archives conference, item 13.) I'm sure I couldn't have written that if I had never known Valerie. Valerie is able to make things happen. Since being a founder of Grex she has gone on to spearhead a number of other groups and initiatives. She has a gift for starting new things. I guess the flip side is that she's not as good at leaving the old ones. No one should forget, though, that Valerie also gave extreme dedication to Grex. Throughout Grex's existence, Valerie has done an immense (and I mean immense) amount of work for the system, most of it unheralded. She used to sign emails as "Grex janitor", which was extremely appropriate, since she mostly cleaned up after people, and got little attention or respect for it. I remember going out to dinner after a board meeting once - or maybe it was after we moved Grex to the Dungeon. There were about six of us, and Valerie was the only woman. She sat in the middle of the table, and it seemed to me that she was in the center of everything else, too. I guess that was my bias. But it seemed that we all loved her. Of course, there were always conflicts. Valerie doesn't like a lot of rules, and this occasionally meant she ran afoul of people who need a lot of them to live. She's an extremely nonjudgemental person, which means she had trouble dealing with people who *are* judgemental. As Grex acquired more and more of those people, she found it more frustrating and less rewarding. But the real change came when Arlo was born. No one in the world would fault a mother for putting her children first in her life - none of us ever have. But, of course, that meant that Grex was the loser. Valerie continued to put in lots of time doing staff work right up until last week, but she stopped participating much in the conferences after 1998, and that was a huge blow to Grex. I've always thought that the only thing which has kept Grex from devolving into a steady stream of insults is a small group of reasonable people who work hard to challenge the assumption that such a state is inevitable. Valerie always topped my list of those people. The loss of her then surprised me, I must say. I never imagined Grex without Valerie.93 responses total.
It's my hope that other Grexers will want to share stories about Valerie here. For me it's catharsis, for you it can be whatever you like. I think it likely that a few people will want to use this item to crow and boast about Valerie's departure, and put her down. I plan on not reading their responses. I'd like to ask the rest of you if you would please not reply to them in this item, so that it doesn't get derailed. If you feel you can't let something go without a retort, do it in another item or in email. Thanks.
Have you ever had sex with her?
Re. 0: HEY< PUNK! Jan called shotgun.
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And + Jan called shotgun.
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LISTEN< YOU SONS OF BITCHES: JAN CALLED DIBS
I met Valerie at a JCC Colossal Computer Sale meeting, shortly after Grex was started. I was with Arbornet; I'd known Valerie as "popcorn" on-line on M-Net but never met her in person. I used to get invitations to the December 31, 1999 New Year's Eve party each year, but that was several years before 1999. Things were a bit on the tense side between some M-Netters and some Grexers in those days. Grex was this little startup with about 50 users, and M-Net was the big dog. Almost all of the Grexers were ex-M- Netters, including all of their founders. Grex was a reaction to the Dave Parks ownership period of M-Net; an attempt to run a conferencing system in a community governed sort of way. At the JCC sale, we kind of avoided one another for the first part of the day, as I recall it. STeve Andre was with the Grex side, and Jim Knight and I were on the M-Net side. Mike Bernson had wandered through, and said hello to both sides; he never cared about politics. A few others from on-line had come through as well, and probably fled from both of our tables to avoid getting tangled up. M-Net had an enormous pile of HP terminals that had been donated to us from Medstat, and Grex had some anonymous expansion cards and the like. We were both making money, and we both needed it desperately. At some point, someone decided it was time to break the ice between M- Net and Grex, but I don't recall who. We talked stiffly for a little while, we would have all gone our separate ways shortly, but then something else happened. What I recall most sharply is this young woman came in just *bouncing* all over the place. She couldn't stand still, it seemed. Or stop talking. She just *blasted* exuberance all over the place. I don't know if we were introduced, but it was clear who she was. I described her on one system or the other, in an item about introducing someone else, as being very popcorn-like. There was just no imaginable way she could have been anyone else. I remember her for her attempt to implement a unit of not-quite- currency on Grex which was called "mathom". (M-Net has gribblies, which are distinctly currency, though they've never been used to buy anything.) I never understood "mathom". It wasn't "mathoms". It wasn't in units. If you've ever used figlet... Valerie brought it here. It's a way to use ASCII art to create larger characters. It's still here; there are different fonts, but the only one I've seen used in years is from aruba. There was this huge collaborative funding effort between Arbornet, Grex and the Huron Valley Community Network; it was called WINS, and it was intended to bring a big old computer networking grant to Ann Arbor. HVCN hadn't been incorporated yet; Grex wasn't a 501(c)(3) yet. It was Valerie who brought it together. I spent a fair amount of time working with her on it. I also brought the news to a WINS meeting that Arbornet pulled out of it. It ruined the project... as far as I can tell, Valerie is one of the few people involved who never blamed me for doing this. (Then she and mdw, and HVCN tried to put together another proposal at a late date. It failed, but they tried.) My password expired at two separate points; I hadn't logged in for a half year or so. Each time it happened, I mailed "staff@grex.org" a request to reset it, and each time, Valerie was the one who responded. Not just to set my password, saying "of course we know it's you", but making it exceedingly clear I was welcomed back. I, too, am going to greatly miss Valerie. I'm reeling with the loss to Grex. I've already e-mailed her, twice saying that she can always come back. I surely do hope she does. Maybe after a little time passes, she will.
I still don't understand why Valerie seems to have taken her anger over that parody on mnet of her baby diary out on grex. There were names of grexers in that parody item but those were faked, and she knows this I think. My name was in that item and I never heard of it until she sent a mass email a couple of days ago to every grexer who seemed to appear in that item. She did not sound upset in that email and even suggested many of the responses in that item were faked and thats why she was letting everyone know who appeared in it. When I went and read that item on mnet, it appeared to be Jan, not Valerie who was upset. In fact Valerie's post there seemed to show she was taking it in stride. But then the next day she's pulling out of grex and wiping out all her posts. I really do think that Valerie could give a better explanation of why she is leaving, and I think it would help people be less upset if they could better understand her thought process. I just think there is a way of leaving more gracefully than she did. Does she want people blaming themselves for her leaving? Does she want people thinking things that may not even be true? (I mean maybe she doesn't give a damn about that parody item and the timing was coincidental) Somebody contact her and suggest that she come back here and set the record straight, and say goodbye properly.
This item is not about that, Richard. This is about appreciation for a valued member of the Grex community who has left us.
And one thing I remember from years back was Valerie starting a chain reaction where a bunch of people changed their logins from whatever they were to their real names. It was just a thing to do at the time, like maybe it made your posts more real or something if you used your real name as your login. One day "Popcorn" started posting as "Valerie" and suddenly other users followed in suit and started using their real names. Grex's "reality" phase. That was when I changed from "Kerouac" to "Richard" I figured if people want to be their actual names for their logins, well that isn't a bad thing, and if Valerie is being "Valerie" now, well it must be a real trend. It got confusing actually, because at that time there were three active Valeries on grex-- Val (Valerie Szopko), BlondVal (Brighn's wife, I don't remember her last name but she was the blonde Valerie), and Valerie. Now all the Valeries are gone. There are no more Valeries on Grex. :(
Mark - what a thoughtful thing to post. It warmed my heart and brought back many great memories. Valerie and I have lost a common interest. That's a loss, but far from fatal. I hope and expect that her long friendship with you and other Grexers will have lost no more than that. Thanks.
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Re resp:11: I guess that makes me a reality hold-out.
No, the incident I described was about Valerie.
I don't remember meeting Valerie. It just seems that she has always been a part of the conferencing community in Ann Arbor, and was there from the beginning. I have always liked Valerie and respected her, both for her brilliance and for her genuine concern for people's feelings and for doing the right thing *because* it's the right thing. I'm not sure what to say, except that, like Mark I never imagined Grex without Valerie and I think the system will be infinitely poorer without her.
infinitely? oh how superlative!
Valerie's responses were everywhere I looked when I first started using the grex conferences. And she was one of the first grexers I met in person.
EVERYONE"S TALKING ABOUT VALERIE AND SHE CAN:"T EVEN READ THIS>> WAIT< SHE"S A PROFESSIONAL I FORGOT>
(Valerie resigned from staff and does not plan to be an active participant on this system, but she has never said she will never come here again. In any case, if the people posting here were interested exclusively in talking to Valerie, they'd have used email instead.)
k.
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Valerie was one of the stars of M-Net and Grex. I remember her from a bunch of meetings, including at my house. Let's hope she will check in to Grex from time to time.
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was she a *dropper*? did she have a loose belt?
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did tsty give her *the fishhook*?
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tod, why do you have the same phone number twiceI
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uuh, in the coop or agora conference?
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or just rtfm.
Valerie the grexer has become the Kurt Cobain of Grex. She chose to have the entirety of her existence here colored and distorted by one spasm of senseless destruction. She left her friends and fans without even the proper means to remember her by, just a big mess to clean up.
Smells Like Team Spirit
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Oh, how I laughed!
Jan's an ex-stripper? Huh?
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I want to be Meatloaf.
Yeah , yeah yeah!
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Mike (mcnally) and Jeff (twenex) - if you feel the need to reply to things said here, could you please take it to another item (per my request in #1)? Thanks.
Re #36: that makes it sound as though Valerie had some obligation here. I don't think she did. Everyone here is a free agent with absolutely zero obligations. I know it is just because I saw the movie so recently, but I see some resemblance between these actions by people here and those of characters in the movie The Hours. For their own reasons Virginia Woolf chucked life by walking into a river. Laura Brown walked out on her family and adopted a different life. Mrs. Dalloway had adopted a homosexual relationship even though she had a child. I once quite a good job but quit and ran off to Europe. It is in "the hours" following fullfilling events or periods, or catastrophic events (either is at the time "meaningful) that people may become disillusioned or wishing to seek new experiences and perhaps people. Most people don't because of feelings of obligation, but those feelings may not also be sources of satisfaction.
> Re #36: that makes it sound as though Valerie had some > obligation here. I don't think she did. Everyone here > is a free agent with absolutely zero obligations. If you're seeing something in #36 about obligations and valerie havign them, it's coming straight out of your imagination. It isn't there. If you're going to make up stupid shit, at least have the decency not to attribute it to me.
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Re #47: "She left her friends and fans without even the proper means to remember her by" sounds like the expectation of an obligation to me. Re #48: No one is talking about any criminal behavior here.
re #49: Yeah, whatever. Go stick your head back in the fume hood.
Hmm, stick his head in willcome's ass? He farts often enough.
I am grateful to Ms. Mates for her advice on improving my use of the Emacs editor.
i am grateful for all the losers that made this item show up new to me because they couldn't handle shit they posted like a week ago.
I remember Valerie a couple of things. First of all she, and Jan took me in for a short stay when I first came over from Europe to visit Ann Arbor, but mostly for Grex. Valerie really made me feel welcome at their home. Which is the house they owned before they moved to a new house. I had some excellent conversations with them. As fro the first impression: online, like so many others Valerie was kindhearted, friendly genuinly interested, which is a rare quality. When I met her I surprised to notice how petite she was, and how I had pictured her taller. I tend to do that with people I hold in high regard. It pities me I never met them after that at my further visits to Grex city.
I remember the breasts. they were good for more than curing pink eye or whatever.
Get jerking in the alley, you wanker. You don't know what you are talking about.
because they are not there
One can only hope that Valerie will be able to lick her wounds, heal and return to Grex. She is needed, as this entire incident reveals.
Staff members who delete items in a snit? Yep, Grex needs those.
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Are you going to step up to the plate and fill the void left by her Joe?
He's certainly not going to fill her bra. Boy, those were some great breasts.
Right, she left because she had too many 'commissions'.
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You know, up until this moment I was fondly remembering Grex, and all the fun that I had here. And now a lot of the reasons I left have just reared their ugly heads. Maybe I am better off not wandering back. I couldn't tell you the first time I met Valerie....maybe at a GrexWalk. I remember many potlucks and parties. She introduced me to Christine Lavin. She was always so happy and exuberant. She was what I wanted to be when I grew up, a woman willing to make the rules and form the world arround her, without being forceful or nasty. A true hippie chik.
She was often nasty to me.
I think I can see why. Can't say I really blame her.
Well, you're a liar; you said she was never nasty, but you knew you didn't know that was correct. I don't think I can see why anyone -- even liars -- would support nastiness, but oh well.
It's really funny how all GreXers carry the same attitude. Once a GreXer, always a GreXer!
/passes out the gourmet jellybeans
Eeyore was not stating a fact, but personal experience, rational. Place her words into context and you'll understand. Your personal exp., though, seems to imply elsewise. It surprises me, cause rarely I have found a more openminded person with genuine interest in other people. I can keep sayuing over and over again. What I think is that you were flaming or hotchatting her and she p[ut you back in your place. I'd be vexed too, if somebody hotchatted me.
I doubt it was even that. He was probably filling up the disk and she locked his account, or something like that. Really nasty, hah.
IT"S NOT NASTY TO WEAR A RIBBON FOR FREEDOM!
Is valerie hot?
YOU SHOUJLDL"VE EEN THE PICTURE SHE SENT ME OF HER WEARING ONLY A FREEDOM RIBBON
I think the fact thjat the opinions expressed in #76 and other items are not being deleted is proof positive that the opinions expressed therein are bollocks.
Could you folks please take this discussion to another item? Thanks.
ARUBA< COULD YOU PLEASE PUT ON THIS RIBBON?
THANKS ARUBA<> BUT ALL THE OTHER ITEMS ARE FORGOTTEN> THIS IS THE ONLY ITEM I HAVEN"T FORGOTTEN YET BECAUSE IT"S ABOUT VALERIE<>
HEY< BNAFTEE< TAKE A RIBBON
THANSKS
YOU"RE WELCOME < HERE TAKE ANYOHTEr
RIBBONS GALORE !
I LOVE RIBBONS
PRITTY RIBBINSES
Yep, this is why I don't show up much anymore. None of you that have a problem with her can even show a modicum of respect. Deleting posts in a snit...it's this whole system that is the problem, not just one person. I enjoyed what Valerie had to say, and I have enough respect for the person that posted this item to take my grievances elsewhere. Perhaps the rest of you ought to grow up.
puh-leeze
Heh.
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lol!
:-0
TROGG IS DAVID BLAINE
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