34 new of 45 responses total.
with Jon and I, it came up in conversation.
what came up in conv.. ( just to amke sure it is all clear)
The fact that he was bisexual. I discovered my own sexuality shortly after we became engaged. I guess you could say loving Jonathan helped me to put it into perspective.
How does one discover one's own sexuality?
People are very good at ignoring things that they don't want to realize, is what it boils down to. If I don't like the idea of being anything but straight, chances are I'll avoid noticing same-sex attractions until something forces me to notice them.
(ding)That is correct! Johnny, tell him what he's won! ;) That is absolutely right.
There's more too it than the obvious, though ... I'm quite straight
and yet during or shortly after relationships, people I've been involved with
have realised their bisexuality. Which is one of the factors I've
unconsciously included in positing that everyone inherently has the
possibility of bisexuality.
Keesan - I had always been attracted to women but could never picture myself having sexual relations with them. Then, one week a couple of years ago, I had dreams about it. I was comfortable and liked it. I started hanging out with Rachael a month later when we met in theater, and she was very kind about going slowly. I like cuddling her, touching her hips, etc, so I went with it. It took that one breakthrough, and I've been "out" ever since.
Is it possible for people to change from hetero to homo or bi as they get older, or do they just realize that is what they were all along?
hmmmm <scratches head>
Well, if a girl is raised in a closed, old-fashioned sexist environment that teaches her that she *will* grow up to be a wife/mother/domestic servant, then later starts to realize that she can and wants to have a life and ambitions of her own, would you say that she has changed or that just her knowledge has changed?
In my opinion, people are gay/straight not because of who they're attracted to but because of who they're *not* attracted to. Most people, in my opinion, are "born bi" from the standpoint that they have potential attraction to either gender. what happens is, IMHO, that they develop an aversion to one gender or the other as they grow up, either through education, exposure, or emotional trauma (or some combination thereof). So, yes, if somebody were to overcome their aversion, they could change orientation, IMHO.
Based on my undestanding of human sexuality, that's as good a theory
as any, and better than most that I've read.
The general opinion seems to be that you have _a sexuality_ which you "discover" at some point in your life. I'm not so sure I believe that, though. Even over the course of a few weeks I find myself drifting back and forth between mostly-straight and mostly-gay; I can't imagine staying even relatively stable over the course of years.
.. just wishing for friendships that are (stable)
Supposedly some people 'outgrow' being gay. Is this an actual change or have they just made a decision not to act on their true feelings? I had a short-term housemate who went to a psychiatrist to be talked out of being gay - this failed, no surprise.
Being "talked out of being gay" would be as easy to do as talking me out of being a brunette. It's not one of those things that can be changed very easily. Why did they want to be talked out of it, btw?
I think he wanted to be 'normal'. He seemed normal to me, except for being around 6' 5". I find normal sort of boring.
Um, Sarah, they sell bottles in any drugstore. People change their hair colors every day. Bad analogy. =}
Pbbbbttt... :-P~
Actually, there are several clinical success stories. Take that
however you want it. I suppose it depends on the individual - though sexual
definitions tend to be proffered as invariable parts of one's being, they
aren't always, and at least one clinical success that I've read transcripts
of dealt with a man who was gay, as far as I can tell, because of a
deep-seated fear of, and inability to deal with, women. His choices in
partners reflected this fear - they were 'punks'. It took several years to
get his life together, and he chose to be straight rather than bisexual,
insofar as his choices in partners.
To tell my side of the story.. As I told you, I was fairly aware that I was bi when I was about hmmm.. in the secondary grades. I was *never* really comfortable with it, and I was beating myself up until a few years back. I began to develop the idea that no self-respecting woman of my faith would ever love me if she found out I was bi. I eventually told someone I was dating around that time, but she was much too young (jailbait) to take it. What I found out was this-- telling your girlfriend that you are bisexual can be perceived as a threat. Not only is there the danger that you might cheat with a woman, but there is the possibility that you might cheat with a man. The urges are always there, and my psychiatrist told me that it is a real issue in a relationship. From what I've guessed, most women want stability and security, and having a bisexual partner presents a real challenge. First and foremost, I think you need to reassure her that this will not destroy your relationship if and when you tell her, and you need to talk about options. I do think "training" is a good idea-- to gradually introduce it into the picture of who you are. For most of us here, activism isn't an all-consuming goal; if you're the same, it should be fairly easy to show that you're like everyone else. I brought it up with Julie when I was having problems in my relationship. I think the issue of sexuality had been making cracks, since the poor girl I was dating seemed jealous. I had opened my big mouth again, but an old buddy of mine had been hitting on me really hard for quite some time and was crestfallen when I told him I was dating a girl. Oh hell, I'll call him an old boyfriend-- even though we never did get much past the friendship stage. Julie understood-- she said she'd thought about women. She had volunteered for an AIDS care hospice before, so she had been educated. Both of us have relatives and siblings who are gay, lesbian, or bi. As she said, she came out to me a little while after we got engaged, and we started attending GALA.
There are a lot of issues involved with a person in an established
relationship "coming out" as bisexual ... running the gamut from general
homophobia and the good 'ol Chasing Amy "Passive-Agressive Gay Bashing"
syndrome, to the decision some bisexuals have made that because they are
interested in two genders, that monogamy for them is having one partner of
each gender.
But, then again, this is Ann Arbor, and for a while I was convinced
that all women were, a priori, bisexual because of the locals.
I've heard that said, too, about bisexuals and monogamy. That's absurd. Monogamy means commitment to a single person.
You're just miffed because they aren't admitting to polyamory. :)
<bob rolls his eyes and runs for cover
Not miffed. Annoyed would be a better word, yes. =}
Well, I guess it would be a question of monogamy vs. polyamory, then. You have to decide whether or not others will be allowed in, and if yes, what the terms need to be. I have heard of some couples where one informs the other if there is to be a fling, and usually, the outside party is informed that it is solely a physical attraction and not a long-term thing. Keeping the relationship stable seems to be the overarching issue.
pardon my confusion, Paul, but are you saying that bisexuality and monogamy are absurd or that people's belief that bisexuals cannot have a monogamous relationship is absurd? Personally I vote the latter, seing as I am a bisexual in a monogamous (committed to one person) relationship.
My wife is so secure in that decision-- wish I was. But we wish not to jeopardize the good things we have in our faith.
I'm saying that if you have a relationship with two people, you're not monogamous, regardless of the genders of the two people you're having relationships with. Of course bisexuals can be monogamous; bisexuals can be celibate, too.
On the next Jerry Springer......
ack! no..I remember a show on bisexuals and their relationships once..
I despise Jerry Springer. resp:42 Paul, I think we've reached an agreement. <shakes his hand>
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