Just heard a rib tickler? Share it here.93 responses total.
Yeah, why'd you send me that tel?
Please share the tel with the rest of the crass.
I lost it, but it was something about calling ts a liar and a theif
Oh. Yeah, Russ has a long standing Rage with poor TSTY.
Q: What do you get if you cross an mouse with a elephant? A: Mouse elephant sin theta.
This response has been erased.
Whew! I thought I'd be the only one.
Heh. I get it.
Q: What do you get when you cross a mountain climber with a mountain
goat?
A: Nothing. You can't cross a "scaler" (scalar) with anything.
<chuckle>
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Something that's not a vector. Very geeky joke. I feel my geek-meter go up, just because I understood that one
Elephant: A mouse built to government specifications.
drew; past of draw
>GLOBAL ECONOMICS DE-MYSTIFIED
>
>SOCIALISM:
>You have 2 cows and you give one to your neighbour.
>
>COMMUNISM:
>You have 2 cows, the Government takes both and
>gives you some milk.
>
>FASCISM:
>You have 2 cows, the Government takes both and
>sells you some milk.
>
>NAZISM:
>You have 2 cows. The Government takes both and
>shoots you.
>
>BUREAUCRATISM:
>
>You have 2 cows; the Government takes both,
>shoots one, milks the other and throws the milk away...
>
>TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM:
>You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.
>Your herd multiplies,and the economy grows. You sell them and
>retire on the income.
>
>AN AMERICAN CORPORATION:
>You have two cows. You sell one, and force the
>other to produce the milk of four cows. Later, you hire a
>consultant to analyze why the cow dropped dead.
>
>A FRENCH CORPORATION:
>You have two cows. You go on strike because you
>want three cows.
>A JAPANESE CORPORATION:
>You have two cows. You redesign them so they are
>one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times
>the milk.
>You then create a clever cow cartoon image called Cowkimon and
>market them
>World-Wide.
>
>A GERMAN CORPORATION:
>You have two cows. You reengineer them so they live for 100
>years,eat once a month, and milk themselves.
>
>A BRITISH CORPORATION:
>You have two cows. Both are mad.
>
>AN ITALIAN CORPORATION:
>You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You break for
>lunch.
>A RUSSIAN CORPORATION:
>You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows.You
>count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
>You count them again and learn you have 2 cows. You stop counting
>cows and
>open another bottle of vodka.
>
>A SWISS CORPORATION:
>You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you. You charge others
>for storing them.
>
>A CHINESE CORPORATION:
>You have two cows. You have 300 people milking
>them. You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and
>arrest the newsman who reported the numbers.
>
>AN ARKANSAS CORPORATION:
>You have two cows. That one on the left is kinda cute...
>AN INDIAN CORPORATION:
>You have two cows. You worship them.
resp:15 : I love :edit and emacs. . . .
Counting in octal is just like counting in decimal, if you don't use your
thumbs. --Unknown
Mathematicians are like Frenchmen: whatever you say to them, they translate it
into their own language, and forthwith it means something entirely different.
-- Goethe
The good Christian should beware of mathematicians and all those who make empty
prophecies. The danger already exists that mathematicians have made a covenant
with the devil to darken the spirit and confine man in the bonds of Hell.
-- St. Augustine
A math professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.
"Sex and drugs? They're nothing compared with a good proof!"
-- Unknown math student
Q: What is the world's longest song?
A: "Aleph-nought Bottles of Beer on the Wall."
Q: Why did the chicken cross the Moebius strip?
A: To get to the other ... er, um ...
Ok, I'll stop (for) now.
(The first is from [http://www.usrbingeek.com/]'s quote generator; the rest
are from [http://www.math.utah.edu/~cherk/mathjokes.html].)
And in the vein of the previous geek giggles:
Q: Why are the flights in and out of Warsaw always half-empty,
with only the seats on the left side of the aisle in use?
A: Because any system is unstable if it has Poles in the right half plane.
You can stabilize those Poles in the right-half plane with some positive feedback.
<I *think* the counting in octal joke is a paraphrase of a Tom Lehrer joke from the song "New Math". But can't swear that that's the absolute original source.>
Did St. Augustine really say that?
From Salman Rushdie, whose 56th birthday was last week: "What is freedom of expression? Without the freedom to offend, it ceases to exist." "Rock and roll music - the music of freedom frightens people and unleashes all manner of conservative defense mechanisms." ((resp:20 - I'll try to find another citation for the Augustine, and a source, if I can.))
One of my math professors in college had that quote from St. Augustine on his office door.
Maybe St. Augustine was talking about numerologists? I could see thinking they were in league with Satan.
Yes, what would Augustine have meant by "mathematician"? In that age I would expect the meaning was "astrologer" or "horoscoper". The online OED gives such usage. Which raises the questions of what language did Augustine speak and what is the proper translation of the word he used at the time? Some wag must have translated it as mathematician.
Sorta like the "virgin" thing... ;-)
I assume Augustine was writing in Latin.
According to several posters to the Historia Matematica mailing list [1], the
Augustine quote is from the second book of "De Genesi ad Litteram" ("The
Literal Meaning of Genesis", according to posting #92 (below)).
In [2], Barry Cipra provides the original Latin:
Quapropter bono christiano, sive mathematici, sive quilibet impie
divinantium, maxime dicentes vera, cavendi sunt, ne consortio daemoniorum
irretiant.
[1] http://sunsite.utk.edu/math_archives/.http/hypermail/historia/dec99/009
0.html
http://sunsite.utk.edu/math_archives/.http/hypermail/historia/dec99/0091.html
http://sunsite.utk.edu/math_archives/.http/hypermail/historia/dec99/0092.html
[2] http://sunsite.utk.edu/math_archives/.http/hypermail/historia/dec99/0097.html
It's said that in Hell, the alcohol is packaged in Klein bottles.
re resp:28: Heh!
www.perseus.tufts.edu says that "mathematicus" can refer to mathematicians or to astrologers.
We must conclude that Augustine was mathematically illiterate, if he didn't make a clear distinction.
You must wear really big hats, rane.
What's that mean? Augustine was versed in philosophy, rhetoric and religion. He studied Latin but apparently didn't much care for Greek, where he might have encountered mathematics as we know it (Euclid, etc). He had a rather numerological perspective on real mathematics - his "perfect" number was, in fact, 6. When he speaks of mathematics, keep in mind his exposition on number given at http://sunsite.utk.edu/math_archives/.http/hypermail/historia/dec99/0145.ht ml which reads like the work of mathematicians he railed against.
That definition of a "perfect number" is still in use, and still being taught. At the time of Augustine, 'mathematics' was 'philosophy': mystical significance was attached to just about everything.
Perfect numbers were defined by the Pythagoreans, according to Eric Temple Bell, and explored by Euclid, according to Herbert Westren Turnbull (both in Volume I of The World of Mathematics). So Augustine either read the Greeks or read someone who read the Greeks. I think one should be careful not to judge a person by the standards of a time other than his own. Augustine was living in a world that had little use for mathematics, so we can't really blame him for finding little use for it himself.
I think it is more likely that he had little use for mathematics for some of the same reasons that people here have stated they have little use for much of mathematics. His "field" was something else. But thanks for reminding me of the mathematical definition of a "perfect number", which does indeed predate Augustine by several centuries. Knowledge of those must have come down by several routes, including astrology and other forms of mysticism. What got me was the obvious impression in Augustine that there is somehow something "perfect" about a "perfect number".
Well, the Pythagoreans were big into attaching emotional significance to numbers and mathematics in general. They were a strange lot. There really wasn't a lot of mathematics going on in Europe between Archimedes and the Renaissance. So Augustine, in 300 AD, really didn't have a lot of positive mathematical role models. In general, what scholarship there was in all fields was coupled pretty tightly to religion.
re #28: http://www.kleinbottle.com/drinking_mug_klein_bottle.htm
(I'm tempted to order one.)
"ACME KLEIN BOTTLE - Where there's one side to every problem" I'm also tempted, but since they're $80, not very tempted.
I've been tempted to order either a Klein Stein or an Acme Klein bottle for a while now. So far, I've resisted the temptation.
I can't see spending that kind of money on a knick-knack for myself, and no one I normally buy gifts for is enough of a math geek to really appreciate it.
Anybody got a good portable hole around?
I've got a few. Of course, what they're "good" for for me wouldn't likely make them of any use to you.
Re: #43 There's one right here on grex - /dev/null. Infinite capacity, zero side effects - perfect for all your storage needs. :)
A mathematician named Klein
Said "The Moebius strip is divine!
And if you glue
The edges of two
You'll get a weird bottle like mine."
Strom Thurmond's last words: "They legalized sodomy? Over my dead body!"
This one takes the cake .. http://www.chaser.com.au/show_story.asp?ID=638&ED=68&CAT=6
... But not the frosting, apparently.
Mole problems? Call Avogadro's Pest Control, at (602) 257-1023!
-- Dave Aronson
(.sig, soc.bi)
#50: Yum. :)
You may or may not find this amusing:
Jester The On-Line Joke Recommender
http://shadow.ieor.berkeley.edu/humor/
[It's been a while since this was posted.]
Taco Bell Ritual
The moon was full and the streets were glowing with
power on this appointed day. Clad in ritual garb, I
silently walked towards my place of worship.
Soon it towered before me: Taco Bell. The mirror of my
heart and the captain of my soul. I closed my eyes to
ground and center. As I felt my inner power grow, I
intoned the ancient chant: 59-79-99, 59-79-99.
I watched almost from a distance as my hand reached
out and opened the door to this holy temple of human
desire. I entered the ritual space deliberately, but
reverently. As the door closed behind me and the
sounds of the street faded to a negligible chatter, I
could begin to hear the spirits of this domain in
their eternal song. Their song took the melody from
the chorus of that famous pagan song by Peter Murphy:
Taco, Burritos, Mexi-Nuggets, Nachos, Soft Drink,
Tostada.
As I took my place at the rear of the line of novices,
I could see and hear ahead of me the graceful
movements and words of the purple-clad priests and
priestesses. One of the elders was imparting magickal
wisdom to a young initiate: "Turn that stove down -
the tortillas are getting charred!" Ah, I thought,
they have not forgotten the burning times.
Yesterday, upon the advice of a wise urban shaman I
met late at night in Pioneer Square, I had stuffed a
taco in my pants. I could still feel its pressure
against my second chakra, filling my body with its
warm, yet chile energy.
Soon I reached the front of the line of novices. A
sacred temple priestess stood before me, clad in a hat
bearing the logo of her order. "My Will is four light
bean burritos, hold the cheese, with a small soft
drink. So mote it be." The power present in the room
twisted her face into what in mundane life would be
interpreted as confusion. I made the ritual offering
of metal discs, gifts of the earth, as she made the
traditional magickal response: "Would you like that
for here or to go?"
At last, I was ready to take my place at an altar. My
four burritos, wrapped in their silver metallic
wrappers, lay before me. "Shining ones," I murmured. I
was profoundly moved, almost swooning as I reverently
took one out of its wrapper. "May you never hunger," I
said as I emptied a ritual sauce packet on it.
Now it was time to invoke an element. "I call air," I
said as I farted noisily. The novice behind me made a
gagging sound and moved away. "Oh well," I told him,
"go if you must, stay if you will." Next, thinking on
the Great Rite, I inserted my straw into my soft
drink.
The room was swirling with energy. I felt my stomach
turn in sympathy. I hoped I wouldn't have to go to the
toilet to practice the law of threefold return.
Quickly, I reestablished my grounding.
But the energy was at its peak, and I could hold my
voice back no longer. Leaping on my chosen altar and
holding my atham-burrito high, I cried, "Trifold
taco! Be with us now as we honor you with cup and
bean!" It was a transcendent moment. The quizzical
looks on the faces of the novices before me only
deepened the sense of profound mystery that I knew we
must all be feeling.
But by the appearance of the two large uniformed
gentlemen in front of me, I knew that my role in this
ritual had come to a close. I felt as they dragged me
out the door that my feet were not even touching the
ground. With my soul in the clouds and my feet on the
earth, I turned to the outer doors of the temple and
bowed my head. Merry eat, and merry fart, and merry
eat again.
Blessed bean!
You know, I love Taco Bell. It's my fave fast food. But I don't love it *that* much.
Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Think outside the bun!
Zen Judaism The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single oy. If you wish to know The Way, don't ask for directions. Argue. Take only what is given. Own nothing but your robes and an alms bowl. Unless, of course, you have the closet space. Let your mind be as a floating cloud. Let your stillness be as the wooded glen. And sit up straight. You'll never meet the Buddha with posture like that. There is no escaping karma. In a previous life, you never called, you never wrote, you never visited. And whose fault was that? Wherever you go, there you are. Your luggage is another story. To practice Zen and the art of Jewish motorcycle maintenance, do the following: get rid of the motorcycle. What were you thinking? Learn of the pine from the pine. Learn of the bamboo from the bamboo. Learn of the kugel from the kugel. Be aware of your body. Be aware of your perceptions. Keep in mind that not every physical sensation is a symptom of a terminal illness. If there is no self, whose arthritis is this? Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out. Forget this and attaining enlightenment will be the least of your problems. The Tao has no expectations. The Tao demands nothing of others. The Tao does not speak. The Tao does not blame. The Tao does not take sides. The Tao is not Jewish. Drink tea and nourish life. With the first sip, joy. With the second, satisfaction. With the third, Danish. The Buddha taught that one should practice loving kindness to all sentient beings. Still, would it kill you to find a nice sentient being who happens to be Jewish? Be patient and achieve all things. Be impatient and achieve all things faster. In nature, there is no good or bad, better or worse. The wind may blow or not. The flowering branch grows long or short. Do not judge or prefer. Ask only, "Is it good for the Jews?" To Find the Buddha, look within. Deep inside you are ten thousand flowers. Each flower blossoms ten thousand times. Each blossom has ten thousand petals. You might want to see a specialist. Be here now. Be someplace else later. Is that so complicated? Zen is not easy. It takes effort to attain nothingness. And then what do you have? Bupkes.
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So, they got Saddam's sons. Now, all they have to do is bag Dad.
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Re #57: That is Ginsberg? It came to me w/o attribution.
The poet or the Supreme Court Justice?
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Well, the Tao and Zen are a little different-- the Tao is very inward directed, and Zen is very outward directed, from what I hear. I am reading the Tao Te Ching right now.
re63: what translation?
For all you lexiophiles (lovers of words - saved you looking it up):
1. A bicycle can't stand alone because it is two-tired.
2. What's the definition of a will? It's a dead giveaway.
3. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
4. A backward poet writes inverse.
5. In democracy it's your vote that counts.
In feudalism it's your count that votes.
6. She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
7. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
8. If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
9. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
10. Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat minor.
11. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
12. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
13. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France
would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
14. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
15. Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
16. He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
17. Every calendar's days are numbered.
18. A lot of money is tainted. 'Taint yours and 'taint mine.
19. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
20. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
21. A plateau is a high form of flattery.
22. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison
was a small medium at large.
23. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
24. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
25. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
26. When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.
27. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
28. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
29. Acupuncture is a jab well done.
30. Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
Bonus inside joke:
CVS is not just a farm at sea. ;-)
According to a news report, a school in Washington recently was faced with a unique problem. A number of 13-year-old girls who had just started using lipstick would put it on in the school bathroom. Which was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving hundreds of little lip prints. Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put more there. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night. To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror. There are teachers, and then there are educators.
Heh heh.
i hope that's true.
Me too.
Even if this is an urban leged, it's pretty funny. :-) Subject: Thanks for Flying..... Air Safety: Thanks to a retired Delta Captain for sending this "paraphrase" of a memorable safety PA from their Flight Attendants. In his own words.... I was flying to San Francisco from Seattle this weekend, and the flight attendant reading the flight safety information had the whole plane looking at each other like "what the heck?" (Getting Seattle people to look at each other is an accomplishment.) So once we got airborne, I took out my laptop and typed up what she said so I wouldn't forget. I've left out a few parts I'm sure, but this is most of it. Before takeoff... Hello and welcome to Alaska Flight 438 to San Francisco. If you're going to San Francisco, you're in the right place. If you're not going to San Francisco, We'd like to tell you now about some important safety features of this aircraft. The most important safety feature we have aboard this plane is... The Flight Attendants. Please look at one now. There are 5 exits aboard this plane: 2 at the front, 2 over the wings, and one out the plane's rear end. If you're seated in one of the exit rows, please do not store your bags by your feet. That would be a really bad idea. Please take a moment and look around and find the nearest exit. Count the rows of seats between you and the exit. In the event that the need arises to find one, trust me, you'll be glad you did. We have pretty blinking lights on the floor that will blink in the direction of the exits. White ones along the normal rows, and pretty red ones at the exit rows. In the event of a loss of cabin pressure these baggy things will drop down over your head. You stick it over your nose and mouth like the flight attendant is doing now. The bag won't inflate, but there's oxygen there, promise. If you are sitting next to a small child, or someone who is acting like a small child, please do us all a favor and put on your mask first. If you are traveling with two or more children, please take a moment now to decide which one is your favorite. Help that one-first, and then work your way down. In the seat pocket in front of you is a pamphlet about the safety features of this plane. I usually use it as a fan when I'm having my own personal summer. It makes a very good fan. It also has pretty pictures. Please take it out and play with it now. Please take a moment now to make sure your seat belts are fastened low and tight about your waist. To fasten the belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle. To release, it's a pulley thing-not a pushy thing like your car because you're in an airplane - HELLO!! There is no smoking in the cabin on this flight. There is also no smoking in the lavatories. If we see smoke coming from the lavatories, we will assume you are on fire and put you out. This is a free service we provide. There are two smoking sections on this flight, one outside each wing exit. We do have a movie in the smoking sections tonight... hold on, let me check what it is... Oh here it is; the movie tonight is Gone with the Wind. In a moment we will be turning off the cabin lights, and it's going to get really dark, really fast. If you're afraid of the dark, now would be a good time to reach up and press the yellow button. The yellow button turns on your reading light. Please don't press the orange button unless you absolutely have to. The orange button is your seat ejection button. We're glad to have you with us on board this flight. Thank you for choosing Alaska Air, and giving us your business and your money. If there's anything we can do to make you more comfortable, please don't hesitate to ask. If you all weren't strapped down you would have given me a standing ovation, wouldn't you? After landing... Welcome to the San Francisco International Airport. Sorry about the bumpy landing. It's not the captain's fault. It's not the co-pilot's fault. It's the Asphalt. Please remain seated until the plane is parked at the gate. At no time in history has a passenger beaten a plane to the gate. So please don't even try. Please be careful opening the overhead bins because "shift happens."
#71 sounds more like something you'd hear on Southwest than on Alaska. Entertaining, nonetheless.
I can only imagine listening intently and laughing my food head off.
This response has been erased.
ROTFL!!!! If I heard that on the plane, I"d be rushing to the loo before I peed my pants laughing!
Oops, I see that a line got deleted somehow. It's supposed to be: If you're not going to San Francisco, you're in for a long night.
Re: #67 http://www.snopes.com/spoons/legends/lipstick.htm
A for arthritis, B for bad back, C is for chest pains. Perhaps cardiac? D is for dental decay and decline, E is for eyesight--can't read that top line. F is for fissures and fluid retention G is for gas (which I'd rather not mention) H high blood pressure [I'd rather have low) I for incisions with scars you can show. J is for joints, that now fail to flex L for libido--what happened to sex? Wait! I forgot about K! K is for my knees that crack when they're bent (Please forgive me, my Memory ain't worth a cent) N for neurosis, pinched nerves and stiff neck O is for osteo-and all bones that crack P for prescriptions, I have quite a few Give me another pill; I'll be good as new! Q is for queasiness. Fatal or flu? R is for reflux--one meal turns into two S is for sleepless nights, counting my fears T for tinnitus--I hear bells in my ears U is for urinary: difficulties with flow V is for vertigo, that's "dizzy", you know. W is worry, now what's going 'round? X is for X ray--and what might be found. Y for another year I've left behind Z is for zest that I still have my mind, Have survived all the symptoms my body's deployed, And kept twenty-six doctors gainfully employed!!!
My favorite was on an American Airlines flight to Ft. Worth: "In a few moments we'll come around and collect cups, trash, and anything else you don't want. Sorry, we can't accept children or spouses."
cut and pasted from Ziff Davis newsletter: ------------------------------------------------------------------- Yes Virginia, I Need An Editor Our WNN editor took a well-deserved vacation last week, and I thought I could sneak by without him. As more than a few of you noticed, I certainly had a lot to loose by that assumption. The best response to my boneheaded blunder came from Bill Campbell. I don't know who wrote this, but thanks in advance for letting me re-run it! Eye have a spelling chequer It came with my pea sea It plainly marques four my revue Miss steaks eye kin knot sea. Eye strike a key and type a word And weight for it to say Weather eye am wrong oar write It shows me strait a weigh. As soon as a mist ache is maid It nose bee fore two long And eye can put the error rite Its rare lea ever wrong. Eye have run this poem threw it I am shore your pleased two no Its letter perfect awl the weigh My chequer tolled me sew! That's it for this week. Welcome back Craig! --Jim Louderback
Subject: Da Future
The multi-purpose card is the latest version of our perpetually metamorphosing
IC. With an embedded smart chip, it can also store our medical history,
driver's license, act as an ATM card, serve as an electronic purse and even be
used at the National Library. However, a recent experience by a holder brought
to light the questionable control on access, potential information abuse and
privacy infringement. As the belated debate rages on, I can foresee a likely
scenario when ordering pizzas in the near future...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Operator: "Thank you for calling Pizza Hut . May I have your..."
Customer: "Haloo, can I order..."
Operator: "Can I have your multi purpose card number first, Sir?"
Customer: "It's eh, hold on...6102049998-45-54610"
Operator: "OK... you're... Mr Singh and you're calling from 17 Jalan Kayu.
Your home number is 4094 2366, your office 7645 2302 and your mobile is
014 266 2566. Which number are you calling from now Sir?"
Customer: "Home! How did you get all my phone numbers?"
Operator: "We are connected to the system Sir."
Customer: "May I order your Seafood Pizza..."
Operator: "That's not a good idea Sir."
Customer: "How come?"
Operator: "According to your medical records, you have high blood pressure
and even higher cholesterol level Sir."
Customer: "What?... What do you recommend then?"
Operator: "Try our Low Fat Hokkien Mee Pizza. You'll like it!"
Customer: "How do you know for sure?"
Operator: "You borrowed a book entitled 'Popular Hokkien Dishes'
from the National Library last week Sir."
Customer: "OK I give up... Give me three family sized ones then,
how much will that cost?"
Operator: "That should be enough for your family of 10, Sir.
The total is $49.99."
Customer: "Can I pay by credit card?"
Operator: "I'm afraid you have to pay us cash, Sir. Your credit card is
over the limit and you're owing your bank $3720.55 since
October last year."
Operator: "That's not including the late payment charges
on your housing loan Sir."
Customer: "I guess I have to run to the neighbourhood ATM and
withdraw Some cash before your guy arrives."
Operator: "You can't Sir. Based on the records,
you've reached your daily limit on machine withdrawal today."
Customer: "Never mind, just send the pizzas, I'll have the cash ready.
How long is it gonna take anyway?"
Operator: "About 45 minutes Sir, but if you can't wait you can always come
and collect it on your motorcycle..."
Customer: "What?!"
Operator: "According to the details in system, you own a Scooter,
registration number E1123..."
Customer: "*$!^*%^**%^&#*"
Operator: "Better watch your language Sir. Remember on 15th July 1987
you were convicted of using abusive language on a policeman..."
Customer: [Speechless]
Operator: "Is there anything else Sir?"
Customer: "Nothing. By the way, aren't you giving me that 3 free bottles
of cola as advertised?"
Operator: "We normally would Sir, but based on your records
you're also diabetic..."
and who do you think is gonna track all that information? Adn do you think those of us in the federal government are going to share that information with businesses? Hell! we don't even share it with other agencies.
Who is going to track it? Insurance companies. Are you people in government going to share that information? Yes! You already do!
This is the *humor* item, not a risk digest, so lighten up! :-)
no flem, we don't. There is informationa available thru the government, but a lot of information is restricted. Hell, I cannot even give information on an individual in our data base to an FBI agent without approval and a from from my superiors. An old farmer in Georgia had owned a large farm >>> > for several years. He had a large pond in the back, >>> > fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, basketball court, >>> > etc. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when >>> > it was built. >>> > >>> > One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he >>> > hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. As he neared the >>> > pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came >>> > closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny dipping in his >>> > pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all >>> > went to the deep end of the pond. >>> > >>> > One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming >>> > out until you leave!" >>> > The old man replied, "I didn't come down here to >>> > watch you ladies swim or make you get out of the pond naked." >>> > "I'm here to feed the alligator." >>> > >>> > Moral: Old age and cunning will triumph over youth >>> > and enthusiasm every time.
re 1 Hi naftee !
'age and cunning overcomes youth and talent' is the proper quote.
Only in the Philippines will you find such amusing names as: Bread Pitt (a bakery, after the name of Brad Pitt) Mang Donald's (a burger joint at the Naga City plaza) Candies Be Love? Doris Day and Night (a 24-hour eatery) Miki Mao (a noodle house) Tapsi Turbi (a tapa house) Cleopata's (a manukan and bakahan) [a chicken & beef place] Goto Heaven [Goto is a Filipino food pronounced GOT-o] Cooking ng Ina Mo (a carinderia) and right across from it, Cooking ng Ina Mo Rin [this has a sound close to the primary Filipino curse] Christopher Plumbing (your friendly neighborhood plumber) Goldirocks (a gravel and sand shop) The Way We Wear (a boutique) Curl Up and Dye (a beauty salon) Felix the Cut (a barber shop) Goldilooks (also a barber shop) Saudia Hairlines (a beauty parlor) Sylvestre's Salon Babalik Karinderia [a play on words for "y'all come back again"] Holland Hopia (owned by Mr. Ho) and next-door neighbor Poland Hopia (owned by Mr. Po) in Chinatown The Fried of Marikina (a fried chicken house) Wrap and Roll (a lumpia outlet in Quad, Makati) Pansit ng taga-Malaboni (a panciteria on Boni Ave., Mandaluyong) Side-saki (a side street eatery beside Mandarin Oriental in Makati) Let's Goat-Together (a kambingan-cum-beer garden) Meating Place (a meat shop) Meatropolis (another meat shop) Happy Birthday Toyo (a soy sauce brand in the 1970s) Isda best, Pusit to the limit, and Hipon coming back (entrees on the menu of a seafood restaurant) Cinna Von (a laundromat) Pier Carding (a tailoring shop in Pier, Manila) Bote Nga Sa 'Yo (used bottle shop) Fernando Pe's Box Office Hits (a video rental shop in Palawan) Leon King Video Rental (in Las Pinas) Memory Drug (a clone of Mercury Drug) Petal Attraction (a flower shop near UP Diliman) Susan's Roses (a flower shop, but of course!) Maid to Order (maids placement agency) Maruya Carey (a fast-food place selling turon & Maruya in Greenbelt, Makati) Caintacky Fried Chicken (an eatery in Cainta, Rizal)
I have a second cousin who owns a flower shop named Flowers, By George! His name is Bud.
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The governmental agency acronyms are different, but the concepts are the same. Here are the few definitions that I know: GMA = Gloria Macapagal Arroyo, current President of the Philippines BIR = Bureau of Internal Revenue (guessing), equivalent of IRS NBI = National Bureau of Investigation, equivalent of FBI PNP = Philippine National Police DENR = Department of Energy and Natural Resources (guessing) TRO = Temporary Restraining Order Subject: Fw: If Noah were a Filipino This one is very appropriate. Hope our politicians get to read this! It is the year 2003 and Noah lives in the Philippines. The Lord speaks to Noah and says: "In one year I am going to make it rain and cover the whole earth with water until all is destroyed. But I want you to save the righteous people and two of every kind of living thing on the earth. Therefore, I am commanding you to build an Ark." In a flash of lightning, God delivered the specifications for an Ark. Fearful and trembling, Noah took the plans and agreed to build the Ark. "Remember," said the Lord, "You must complete the Ark and bring everything aboard in one year." Exactly one year later, a fierce storm cloud covered the earth and all the seas of the earth went into tumult. The Lord saw Noah sitting in his front yard weeping. "Noah." He shouted, "Where is the Ark?" "Lord please forgive me!" cried Noah. "I did my best but there were big problems. First, I had to get a Mayor's permit for construction and your plans "did not comply with the codes". I had to hire their "engineering firm" and "redraw" the plans. Then I got into a fight with Municipal Fire Safety Inspector over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system and extinguishers. Then my neighbor objected, claiming I was violating zoning ordinances by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a permit from the municipal planning office. I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees to protect the Monkey-Eating Eagle. I finally convinced the DENR that I needed the wood to save the eagles. However, the DENR won't let me catch any eagles. So, no eagles. The carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the KMU. Now I have 16 carpenters on the Ark, but still no eagles. When I started rounding up the other animals, I got sued by an animal rights group. They objected to me only taking two of each kind aboard. Just when I got the suit dismissed, the DENR again notified me that I could not complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact assessment on your proposed flood. They didn't take very kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of the Creator of the universe. Then the DPWH demanded a map of the proposed new flood plan. I sent them.....a globe. Right now, I am trying to resolve a complaint filed with the DOLE that I am practicing discrimination by not taking godless, unbelieving people aboard! The BIR has seized all my assets, claiming that I'm building the Ark in preparation to flee the country to avoid paying taxes. I just got a notice from the BIR that I owe some kind of user tax and failed to register the Ark as a "recreational water craft." The NBI and ISAFP each wanted a piece of the action alleging that the Ark would be used by the Magdalo soldiers to escape. The PNP on the other hand insists that Al-Ghozi might use the Ark to flee to Indonesia. Malacanang sees the opportunity to use the Ark for GMA's Strong Republic Nautical Highway presidential campaign sorties. Finally the Senate got the courts to issue a TRO against further construction of the Ark, saying that since God is flooding the earth, it is a religious event and therefore unconstitutional. "I really don't think I can finish the Ark for another 10 or 16 years!" Noah wailed. The sky began to clear, the sun began to shine and the seas began to calm. A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up hopefully. "You mean you are not going to destroy the earth, Lord?" "No," said the Lord sadly. "The government is already doing that."
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Lockheed-Martin had a little boo-boo with a $239 million NOAA weather satellite: http://www.fuckedcompany.com/images/view.cfm?image=satellite.jpg The full story is here: http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?file=/news/archive/2003/09/09/sta te163 7EDT0153.DTL It seems the previous day another crew had removed some bolts from the cradle holding the satellite, and the crew that tried to rotate it from vertical to horizontal failed to notice. Kinda puts any mistakes you might have made this week in perspective, doesn't it?
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