Grex Synthesis Conference

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Grex Synthesis Item 135: Mediation, Depression, and Skepticism
Entered by bjorn on Wed Oct 21 16:42:22 UTC 1998:

On a Friday evening when I was still working filing medical records, I
meditated on the ways of Frey and Freyja.  I did get a response too, but once
again, my annoying skepticism barged in - yes, neither of the voices was the
voice of my brain, but I still felt skeptical and I don't know why.  It's
almost as if I'm too different people: one with a hopeful outlook for the
future, and another so down that he equates existance with stupidity.

I've seen the "ghost" of my friend's cat, my mom and my uncle frank have seen
Joanna's spirit, so I don't know why I continue to switch between mr. hopeful
and mr. depression several times per day.  Once, one of my Wiccan friends in
Winona offered to help heal my heart . . . but I refused, even now I'm not
sure why.  Both of these personalities are quite spiritual, but mr. depression
has gone to looking at every concept of what happens when we die, and
concluding that no matter what happens - its entirely pointless - esentially
"existance is stupid".  Even my more positive personality looks down on some
ways of the universe, take life's scientific purpose: to perpetuate itself.
How utterly stupid a purpose of life that is.

Just so you know, I am going to talk to my old therapist about a lot of
things, so I know already that I should probably tell him this too.

Yesterday, I listend to a heart surgeon talking about his new book.  At one
point of the conversation, he mentioned that depression is often a warning
sign of someone's impending death (usually the depressed person).  He also
mentioned that the 2 most likely times for a heart attack are Monday and
Saturday morning.

Since my cousin's death, my personalities have swapped several times, but both
of them yearn for death, but are also afraid (which is why we're letting it
take it's own sweet time to get her but we both wish it would hurry the hell
up)

I am thinking also of taking up my friend's offer.  Sorry about the length

6 responses total.

#1 of 6 by kami on Wed Oct 21 17:45:07 1998:

"heart healing"- sure sounds convenient. Might help, a bit, for a while, but
you still have to do the hard work of stabilizing yourself and learning to
live in the world.  Your therapist will probably suggest that you have some
degree of depression or bi-polar disorder.  For what that's worth.  
You know that picture that's a hag one way and a young matron the other, or
the one that's a vase one way and two people kissing the other way?  Well,
your two "personalities" or moods are like that- they are both partially
valid, both seeing the same picture, but interpretting it differently.  If
you can recall one way of seeing, and how that felt, at the same time you're
*in* the other, you'll come closer to balance.

#2 of 6 by jazz on Wed Oct 21 17:53:22 1998:

        Watch a priest at a funeral sometime.  Fear of death, fear of
non-existence, is a perfectly natural thing, and has nothing to do with the
rational or faithful constructs we use to try and soothe it.  Animals with
no concept of religion or logic will still fight to stay alive.  When it
becomes neurotic, or interferes with your life, challenge yourself to think
of how much you'll have to think of dying and going to dust before you find
a way out to a meaningful life.

#3 of 6 by brighn on Thu Oct 22 00:09:58 1998:

Nobody else can heal your heart, anyway... you gotta do that yourself, IMHO.

I walk a line between deep spirituality and intense skepticism. I think it's
a fairly natural line to walk. Uncomfortable at times, but natural.

#4 of 6 by bjorn on Thu Oct 22 01:06:43 1998:

My fear is not actaully about death itself nor oblivion, it's closer to the
idea of losing Draco's fear from Dragonheart: fear of losing my soul (whatever
a soul might be and do).

As for my other feelings, I don't think I ever passed beyond the anger stage
of mourning for Joanna - but the anger is directed towards her god, which is
a bit different than I think most mourning anger is directed.  On the other
hand, I am somewhat healed from time . . .

At times, I still think of writing a book from the negative mood's slant on
life, I think I'd call it "The Universe According to Bjorn".  I even had
thought of chapter names 'Chapter 1: The Curse of Life", and the final chapter
(whatever number it might have) "Death: Life's Final Stupidity".  Mainy cause
my negative mood wants to make as many other people's lives as miserable as
mine . . .

#5 of 6 by jmm on Sat Oct 24 11:54:50 1998:

Bjorn, your depression is real enough and something that you have to take
seriously. That means talking about it, and writing about it here or
elsewhere. You will find that other people are important, even when they find
it more interesting to talk about their own problems, instead of yours. The
universe certainly looks meaningless, unless you can really connect with the
old Deities, who have been around a lot longer than any of the humans. You
find them within you, in the meditation that you mention in the title. They
are there, and they'll come to your rescue when you need them.

#6 of 6 by bjorn on Sat Oct 24 12:44:05 1998:

This response has little to do with what you wrote: O my gods!  I'm turning
into a clone of Britain Woodman - I'm using movie references to explain real
life!!  Argh!!

Yes, well, I haven't done much more deity meditation than that 1 night.  Today
is Saturday, which means I should meditate on Loki . . .

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