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Grex Sports Item 11: The Tree-Hugger's Guide to the NFL
Entered by srw on Thu Jul 28 06:54:27 UTC 1994:

In article 38ba@clarinet.com, cwc@pseserv2.magec.com (Chris Carter) writes:
> 
> (Original.  Inspired by Rush Limbaugh's 'Environmentalist Wacko Football
> Picks'.)
> 
> The Tree-Hugger's Guide to the NFL
> ----------------------------------
> Sure, football is a violence-glorifying testosterone orgy that should be
> banned.  But that doesn't mean that you can't enjoy it when you're not 
> out spiking trees or protesting your local gas station as a pollution-
> mongering crime against the Earth.  But when you're watching 22 steroid-
> chomping overmuscled monsters (i.e, men) try to beat each other senseless
> in a series of imperialist land grabs, how do you know who to cheer for?
> 
> We have the answer:  Ranking the entire NFL in terms of What We Know Is
> Right.
> 
> Our General Principles:
> 1. Any animal is better than any human.
> 2. Endangered animals are better than non-endangered animals.
> 3. Native Americans are better than other oppressed/discriminated
>    minorities are better than any other human.
> 4. Humans guilty of crimes against other humans are better than humans
>    guilty of crimes against animals are better than humans guilty of
>    crimes against the Earth.
> 5. Team names that aren't PC need to be fixed.
> 
> Some Special Cases:
> 1. Dolphins are the ultimate.
> 2. People who believe in their country are the absolute worst - lower
>    than whale doodoo.
> 
> And so, the Rankings:
> 
>  1. Miami Noble, Intelligent, and Wise Dolphins
>  2. Philadelphia Endangered Bald Eagles
>     Atlanta Endangered Peregrine Falcons
>     Cincinnati Endangered Bengal Tigers
>     Chicago Endangered Grizzly Bears
>  6. Los Angeles Sort Of Endangered Rams
>  7. Seattle Generic Sea Birds, Some Of Which Are Endangered
>  8. Denver Horses Ridden Abusively By Humans
>  9. Detroit Lions
>     Indianapolis Colts
> 11. Washington Native Americans
> 12. Kansas City Native American Leaders
> 13. Cleveland Players Of Color
> 14. New York Vertically and Gravitationally Enhanced
> 15. New Orleans Sanctimonious Morals-Imposers
> 16. Phoenix Religious Hierarchy (don't let the bird fool you)
> 17. Los Angeles Waterborne Murder-Thief-Rapists
>     Tampa Bay Waterborne Murder-Thief-Rapists
> 19. Green Bay Packers of Dead Abused Animal Flesh
> 20. New York Air- and Noise-Polluting Bird-Scaring Jets
> 21. Minnesota Fur- and Horn- Wearing Pillagers
> 22. Buffalo Wild West Show Stars and Cattle Abusers
> 23. Dallas Cattle Murderers and Native American Exploiters
> 24. San Diego Electricity Consumers
> 25. Houston Oil-Spilling Well-Drilling Natural Resource Wasters
> 26. Pittsburgh Coal-Burning Smog-Generating Steelers
> 27. San Francisco Gold Profiteers
> 28. New England White Male Gun-Carrying Tree-Chopping Imperialist Dogs
> 
> Normal Disclaimer: My opinions, not Magnavox's.
> Disclaimer for the humor-impaired: This is satire, not real life.
>   Learn the difference.
> 
> --
> -Chris
> 
> Chris Carter                      
> Software Engineer, AFATDS              
> Magnavox Electronic Systems Company     
>
> cwc@pseserv2.magec.com   
>

14 responses total.

#1 of 14 by omni on Thu Jul 28 18:09:18 1994:

 What can ya say about that?

#2 of 14 by carson on Fri Jul 29 08:10:10 1994:

(not much, especially if you're ROTFL!!)

#3 of 14 by jimmy on Sat Aug 6 00:05:13 1994:

If football is so bar.
Hi Mark
Mark are you there?
o

#4 of 14 by jimmy on Sun Aug 7 00:14:17 1994:

Anyway, as I was saying, if football is so barbaric, what sport would you
prefer, curling?

#5 of 14 by canis on Wed Aug 17 22:46:25 1994:

Curling??? You mean the sport where you throw a thing called a stone on
some ice and and brush the ice off in hopes of hitting the center of the
bull's-eye? Oh yeah will you've never played killer curling, where you
try to take out the other team by cucking that stone as fast as you can 
down the ice befor they hit you.

#6 of 14 by carson on Thu Aug 18 05:56:50 1994:

(only in the US can such a passive sport be turned to violence...)

#7 of 14 by srw on Thu Aug 18 06:10:37 1994:

You know those beer commercials where they combine sports?
I'd like to see a mixture of curling and figure skating.

#8 of 14 by canis on Thu Aug 18 16:56:14 1994:

I'll get the t.v. ads going this instant.

#9 of 14 by steven on Sun Aug 21 23:41:45 1994:

I think that this is stupid! Your opinions of these teams and the NFL is
so stupid!
I have only one thing to say 'GET A LIFE!'

#10 of 14 by carson on Mon Aug 22 03:33:00 1994:

(how constructive, yet un-P.C.)

#11 of 14 by lk on Mon Aug 22 07:30:43 1994:

These are great, said the #1 fan of the Michigan [endangered] Wolverines.
Which means that the Panthers were OK, but the Spartans aren't so OK.
And what do you do with such natural disasters as the Miami Hurricanes?

#12 of 14 by srw on Tue Aug 23 07:22:32 1994:

Welcome to grex, Steven.

Thanks, leeron..
If we extend this into the realm of the college game, there are certainly
som interesting cases. What about Alabama. Their team is named after
a dinoflagellate-induced fish disease.

I've noticed that they use an elephant for a mascot, though.
Is there an explanation for this?
(I've gone and probably offended everyone from Alabama now, oops.)

#13 of 14 by albaugh on Thu Aug 25 04:43:51 1994:

SRW - a guy at work is a bonafide 'Bama fan - I'll ask about the GOP link. :-)

#14 of 14 by topcat on Tue Feb 7 16:31:41 1995:

I understand that the spotted owl sandwiches served at the Suoer Bowl were
delicious though slightly overpriced.

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