Being a parent of or a partner with or a child of someone who is in
recovery (or not) has its own set of challenges. 

This item is open for those of us who are trying to improve our
family life by working our own program, and getting our own lives
together.  

9 responses total.

   Sounds interesting.  Not only am I a recovering addict, I'm also
ACOA.  The biggest breakthrough for me came when I realized that
addicted parents do the best they can with what they have, it's just
that what they have sucks.

In my AlAnon group we call AAers who are also AlAnon double winners.  The
membership requirement for Alanon, such as it is, says, "The only
requirement for membership is that there be a problem of alcoholism in a
relative or friend."

One of my double winner friends used to say that he went to AlAnon when
he was getting too involved with other people's lives, and AA when he was
isolating himself. He was an amazing person because his shares often
illuminated "the other point of view" and helped us understand our
alcoholic friends better.  Seeing both sides of the problem was _so_
helpful. 

I'm not sure, but I think some of that is the definition of co-
dependency, right?

One of my sisters had some drug and alcohol problems, and that, I'm 
sure, had a slight impact.  It was also difficult for me to remain 
properly detached yet supportive of my wife when she resolved her 
issues of abuse, and not relapse into old co-dependent habits.
My in-law family is also dotted with issues.  My mother-in-law, father-
in-law, and sister-in-law are the only ones I have a solid connection 
with.  I am somewhat close to the youngest of my brothers-in-law, but I 
feel him slipping away.  The other two will have nothing to do with me.

Neither my parents nor parents in-law have addiction issues.  I still 
find it interesting, however, that among the family members that do, 
when I dug deeper, I saw faint connections in other siblings and such.  
It makes me think that roots of addiction may be much, much deeper, and 
that certain family members responded with addition, and others.. 
didn't, at least not clearly.

I think it is a good point that we should heal ourselves before we try 
to help our loved ones, because we might be in a better position to do 
so.  It's also important to remember that the recovery process is an 
individual one.  That was a hard lesson for me to learn.

see item:17 for specific discussion of co-dependency, which can be a 
flip side and still unhealthy counterpart to addiction in families (or 
between any loved ones)

   What about your grandparents, jaklumen?  There are a number of
addicts whose parents were fine but who had one or more grandparents
who were addicts.

I'm not sure.  The dynamic between my mother and my maternal 
grandmother (mother-daughter and me) was screwed up enough that I think 
it had some impact.  My maternal grandfather used to smoke, but other 
than that, no big addictions that I can see.  I think the issues are 
deeper.

resp:0 btw, what's it like..?  It might be helpful for me to consider 
my parent's side, so to speak.

Speaking of that, I finally was able to speak to my father about my 
addictions and what I believed were some root causes.  The conversation 
touched quite a bit on family relations.

resp:5  I see patterns between my grandmother, mother, and my next 
youngest sister in their basic reaction of "I'm not going to be like 
her [my mother]" and yet wind up very much like the generation before 
in certain ways.. they are all very driven, perfectionistic, etc.

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