Grex Poetry Conference

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Grex Poetry Item 5: sonnet [linked]
Entered by allida on Sat Jan 23 00:16:51 UTC 1999:

I store for you somewhere a knot in me
Its filled with all I know that's shining light.
  Its hard to avoid but harder to see
For there is naught in me for you to fight.  
Indeed within my soul for you to catch 
There Lies a gift of love you've not untied.
When the world may decide to be a wrtech
and hits you hardest in structures untried, 
I reveal this knot to you but know, dear,
I pray you not to steal away this love
Because I hold inme a touch of fear
That in your soul a lie may dwell to shove
Away this gift which I have shown to free
For it perceives in me an enemy.

15 responses total.

#1 of 15 by orinoco on Sat Jan 23 22:29:03 1999:

I dunno...this sounds a little forced to me, and the rhythm's off in a whole
bunch of lines.  The tying/untying/knots images for love are cool, though.

#2 of 15 by allida on Sat Jan 23 23:06:32 1999:

it is my first attempt at a sonnet :P hopefully i will get better as i go :)

#3 of 15 by orinoco on Sun Jan 24 18:31:47 1999:

really? I thought I'd seen sonnets of yrs posted in this conf. a while ago.
I guess I'm just confused.

My suggestion would be to try to change the word order to it's more natural,
i.e. "I store a knot for you somewhere in me" rather than "I store for you
somewhere a knot in me".  I know it's tempting for me when writing sonnets
to try and mimic Shakespeare's reversed word order, but in fact even
Shakespeare keeps his sentences in normal word order whenever he can.

#4 of 15 by allida on Sun Jan 24 18:49:38 1999:

hmmm i guess i didn't try all permutations... i don't remember writing thatat
all wehn i was doodling ;P

#5 of 15 by lumen on Mon Jan 25 07:30:13 1999:

well, just getting it out is good..

#6 of 15 by bookworm on Wed Jan 27 05:04:54 1999:

Good work for a first.  I'm given (mostly by experience) to know that it is
mostly by practice that poetry becomes better.  It is by sharing that it
becomes good.

#7 of 15 by toking on Wed Feb 17 16:33:26 1999:

personally I like it, but I think orinoco's resp:1 is right, a bit
forced


(linked to new poetry conf)

#8 of 15 by md on Wed Apr 21 11:31:34 1999:

What I like best about it is the way the poet
varies the scansion of the pentameter lines.
Some of the variation might be the by-product
of a new sonnet-maker striving simply to write
lines with ten syllables in them, but (I'm
giving away a secret here) that's how it's done
much of the time.  The result in this case is
quite musical.

As to its being "forced," that's the #1 
criticism people direct at a poem written in a 
traditional verse form.  But this sonnet isn't 
any more "forced" than most of the free verse 
I read here.  In my mind, the free verse I read 
here is the verbal equivalent of graphics; this 
sonnet is a painting.  Each has its place, but 
you can't criticise one with the same tools 
you'd use to criticize the other.

*Very* nice start.

#9 of 15 by orinoco on Thu Apr 22 13:23:39 1999:

<nods>  I'll admit I tend to be more critical of traditional-form poetry. 
In particular, once my brain realizes a poem is in pentameter, it tries to
force the whole thing into baDA-baDA-baDA-baDA-baDA....so the variations in
the rhythm tend to annoy me, rather than making the poem more interesting to
me.

#10 of 15 by md on Thu Apr 22 14:12:51 1999:

Much of the music of formal verse come from the little tensions 
between the baDA-baDA-baDA-baDA-baDA in your head, and 
such lines as:

   Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?

   A little learning is a dangerous thing

   Oh, there is blessing in this gentle breeze

   Pale pink convolvulus in tendrils creep

   He will not go behind his father's saying

   Who cares if some one-eyed son of a bitch

Not to mention Lear's famous

   Never, never, never, never, never.

#11 of 15 by arianna on Thu Apr 22 21:10:43 1999:

trust conversation of traditional styles to bring the old-school poetry cf'ers
outta the woodwork.. (;
the whole "knot" thing reminds me of a poem from ye ol' poetry conference
(poetry1, #443)....
I've never tried to write a sonnet; I think I'd like to try now.

#12 of 15 by md on Thu Apr 22 21:43:05 1999:

I hope you do try, Arianna.  If you want any 
encouragement or suggestions along the way,
the mailbox I read is mdelizia@aol.com.

#13 of 15 by arianna on Thu Apr 22 22:21:39 1999:

why t;ank you, you may be hearing from me soon. (;

#14 of 15 by flem on Wed Jun 2 03:10:54 1999:

The line "and hits you hardest in structures untried" seems awkward to 
me.  Staring at it, the substitution "and hits you hardest, scrapes the 
wounds you hide" occurred to me.  Also, some punctuation before "but 
know, dear" might help make that sentence clearer, as well as providing 
a rhythmic pause to accentuate the change in tone.

#15 of 15 by flem on Wed Jun 2 03:12:12 1999:

Oh, and it's quite good overall.  This is a keeper.  :)

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