Assent

Filling the air around me are voiceless words,
potentials swelling in my spacious movements.
Like running, like feet unfettered flying,
I am released by the grace of grass caress;
crushed against the ground, my grateful cry 
is an appoggitura in its singing.
Each green blade breaking and reforming, I crest this swell
of space, exhaling, "Please," as I rise meet your hands:
your hands brushing me, intense, sweat the ink
that fills the pages of my skin with 
voiceless words and broken breaths
just on the verge of sharp release.

Then giving, given, I speak out, "Yes..."

9 responses total.

Oh My, Erinn.  This is so full of... (How do I describe it) ecstacy.  
I particularly like the last 2 lines

"just on the verge of sharp release.
Then giving, given, I speak out, 'Yes...'"

It made me think of many of the gentle lovemaking sessions that my 
husband and I have shared together.

AMAZING!  Someone responds!

Alright, not fair -- I've hardly been very responsive to the rest of the items
in progress lately....

Thanks, Julie.

I made a post, but it must not have gotten through.

Julie! :-$ :#/ did everyone *need* to know that?

this is beautiful.. I just didn't have a way to creatively express my 
critique.

I didn't respond at first, not because (as is often the case) the poem iddn't
speak to me or I didn't have anything to say about it, but because, due to
some, ah, poor timing, I didn't want to get too close to the emotions
depicted.  With a little distance, however... 
  There's some really interesting language in this poem.  A couple of phrases
leap out at me on each rereading.  The best are "like running [feet], like
feet unfettered flying"  and "sweat the ink / that fills the pages of my
skin".  
  I think there's room for improvement, though.  Here are some things that I 
think don't work overly well: 
  - As you see above, I just can't help reading an extra "feet" into 
line three.  To my mind, the repetition improves both rhythm and effect.
  - appoggiatura seems forced.  After we've gone and looked it up and 
find out it's "An embellishing note, usually one step above or below 
the note it precedes" (dictionary.com), it's a great word, but the phrase 
"appoggiatura in its singing" is not effective, IMO.  Perhaps something 
like "...an appoggiatura in my grateful cry".  Then the question becomes,
"_what_ is the appog.?  What causes the emphasis, the embellishment on 
the otherwise normal grateful cry?", which question draws the reader further
into the verbal image. 
  - I don't like the first two lines.  That's not to say they're bad lines, 
just that they don't seem to have much to do with the rest of the poem.  As
the reader, I don't get a hint of what the poem is about until line 4, where
we first see a hint of the scene.  Before that, the speaker might well be 
dancing, or running around freely in the countryside, or flying a kite or 
something.  I'im not sure how you might improve on this; the poem starts 
in kind of an awkward spot. (more on this later)
  - The grass imagery.  It's a little unjust to put this down in the 
category of things that don't work, since I think this is one of the 
coolest and most interesting parts of the poem, but I think its potential
is not quite realized.  What purpose does the grass serve in this poem?
Several, to my way of thinking.  First, it is the primary concrete detail 
given to the user about the scene being described.  The speaker is "crushed
against the ground", feels its "grass caress", breaking the green blades.  
Second, it serves as foil to the speaker's lover, being in fact almost a 
second lover.  I really like how we don't "meet" the lover until late in the
poem; before that it's implicit in the tone with which the grass is 
described.   So.  Um.  How do I think the grass imagery could be improved?  
Well, a couple of things.  I don't understand "Each green blade breaking 
and reforming", what does reforming mean?  Is it there to connect the grass 
to the cresting wave image in that line and the next?  I was jarred a little
there, I think.  Also, there are two things "breaking" in this poem, the 
blades of grass and the speaker's "broken breaths".  I think it would be 
cool if they were juxtaposed.  Finally....  this is the hard one to explain. 
I said above that the poem starts in an awkward spot; the speaker and the lover
are already well underway, so to speak, and the poem's climax is quite
near.  Ahem.  The description of the grass provides a possible solution 
to the problem of how to start this poem delicately without being vague and 
unconnected (as I think the first two, maybe three lines are).  
  - "...sweat the ink / that fills the pages of my skin" is so good that 
we don't need "...with voiceless words"; I'd even say it's better without it.  
  - we don't need to be told that the speaker is "on the verge of sharp 
release".  We can tell, especially in the final line.  :)


Is this helpful?  I do hope you'll give this poem another once-over, whether
or not you pay any attention to my opinions, 'cause while I think it's 
pretty good, I also think it could be better.  

ack.  Sorry to be so embarrassing, Jon.  Still, what I said stands as 
the truth.

        I really like that pacing here.

        I think Greg's right about the use of appoggiatura;  only because it's
the only long polysyllable in the poem.  It looks like it's meant more to be
spoken than read, though, and in that context, it's not a problem.

most of what I write is ment to be spoken aloud.  often I find my poetry
is best recieved when I read it to the audience, or when the audience
knows me and knows my voice and reads it with either of those things in
mind. 

I appreciate your thoughts on this one, flem, but it looks like this one
is going as it is at the moment.  maybe I'll be able to come back to it
and change things so that it's more easily consumned by a larger amount of
people, but I don't have the right mindset at the moment to do so.  it's
interesting to me that I got such a wide range of response from those
who've read it or heard it read.  some understood right away, some didn't
understand at all, and some took several minutes and a few rereads before
they were able to wrap themselves around it enough to make comment. 

Hey, it's your poem.  If you don't feel like changing it, that's cool.  

I like to have *other* people read my poetry.

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