Grex Poetry Conference

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Grex Poetry Item 221: Dad, show me what it is to be a man.
Entered by lumen on Sat Oct 28 02:13:38 UTC 2000:

Please, Dad.

You know that I'm supposedly all grown up now.
But show me what it really is to be a man.
I need you to hold me again
To show me you care
to validate my pain
and unsnarl this mess of feelings.

I remember you holding me so long ago
when I was small and helpless to the world
I remember the feel of those garments
So holy to you and now so holy to me..
Like the ones that I put on when I became a man.

Please.  Draw me near and let me be there for a good while.
I think I'm ready to really open my heart
and let out all my dreams and nightmares
hopes and fears
undiluted and untainted from expectations.

I don't know why Mom decided to be in the way sometimes.
She really wants me to be an upper middle class gentleman,
and she bred me well.
She still has such high hopes
that I wonder if I can endure her 'encouragement.'
She doesn't seem to be satisfied yet,
no matter what she says.

So I'm shocked whenever she comes to me
asking me what she should do about you.
Marital advice.
How can I hold you high in my eyes?
I feel like my masculinity is crushed even further.

Please come out from behind her
and show me what it is to be a man.
I've made the mistake far too many times
in searching for it in other men
aching for a connection
and winding up with consumed lust,
even thinking that was what I wanted to begin with.

Please don't tell me focusing on my marriage will save me.
What example have I had to follow?
Worse, my spouse is suffering the same problem
and it cuts both ways;
we can't laugh about the ogling anymore.

Yes, I have friends that empathize and support me.
People that have been there before.
We have a plan that will lead me out,
out of these chains that hurt my heart,
but I wish you would show me what it is to be a man.
Please-- comfort the boy inside
that is struggling to grow up
Because I'm not all grown up yet.

Please.
Show me what it is to be a man.

6 responses total.

#1 of 6 by lumen on Sat Oct 28 02:15:52 2000:

Go easy.. this is the most vulnerable piece I've written yet and I feel 
so exposed.. oh well.. I suppose this follows the old cliche of 
"suffering for one's art."

#2 of 6 by freedom on Mon Oct 30 02:03:44 2000:

I will read thsi again later..bu I think it is really good...
and thats what I like so much...that you are exposed with yiour heart for all
to see

#3 of 6 by lumen on Fri Nov 3 19:18:26 2000:

Thanks, Megan. =)

#4 of 6 by freedom on Wed Nov 15 02:28:01 2000:

hmm, no wafter having read this again it is almost too full of emotion to
comment....
it got me thinking, ya know...if any parent truly ever realizes what feelings
their children, no matter how small or old they are, are holding inside.
I mean..if only a person could give something like this to a fatehr who they
long for, yet at the same time , they realize the father isn't "being a man"
either...so intresting...
it doesn't have exactly a "flow" to it in a literary sense liek yourother
poems, but at the same rate, I feel that trying to conform it to something
would lose the innocence and sincerity of the emotions involved...

What is best captured here is the full circle of life...wanting to be grown
and mature, only to realize once you get there that there is still something
lacking, and there is that desire to return to being a child, and the feeling,
real or not, of security..being able to close your eyes, an =d simply trust
that there is always someone right nearby who will take care of you and fix
whatever hurts....

I think these kinds of "Walls" are what set a lof of people back in their
lives....but maybe thats just my insight talking....
it makes people start searching for another "somoene" to fill that role...

anyhow, again, good poem!

#5 of 6 by lumen on Thu Nov 16 23:44:28 2000:

it comes from very honest and real experience.

what I may have failed to express here is that I want to bond closer to 
my father.. but somehow, I can't.

if you are willing to consider the theory of deferred detattachment and 
that same-sex attractions grow from unmet emotional needs that have 
become sexualized, this poem might make more sense.

having said that, I probably just pissed some people off.

#6 of 6 by orinoco on Fri Nov 17 17:40:01 2000:

(Well, in theory at least, we're discussing the poem, not the poem's
politics....)

I think wanting a closer bond, and not being able to find one, came across
very well in this poem.  It helps that any sort of father-son topic puts me
on the lookout for that theme, but you also do a good job of conveying it
yourself.

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