Grex Poetry Conference

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Grex Poetry Item 153: The veteran inside.
Entered by lumen on Mon Nov 15 00:46:32 UTC 1999:

i can still hear the echo
of machine gun fire in my soul
both enemy and friendly
sometimes confusing the two
in the deafening ring of shells

as i was running for cover in some cerebral corner
as the shrapnel ripped at my heart
just narrowly missing the 'smart' bombs
threatening the logic infrastructure

when the occasional hit of agent orange
scourged the grey matter jungle

during the love battles
with the players and the heartbreakers
the bugaboos and the scrubs
the bad girls and the grand 'ol boys
the fastlovers and the swingers
when i was a counterspy
dancing through the emotional landmines

the horror.

i am home
safe at home at a new base
with my ally
but there's always the flashbacks
and the wondering why
i got that damn viet nam treatment

6 responses total.

#1 of 6 by lumen on Wed Nov 17 00:53:05 1999:

I know this needs work, so speak up.

#2 of 6 by toking on Wed Nov 17 10:30:46 1999:

  i can still hear the echo
  of machine gun fire in my soul
  both enemy and friendly
  sometimes confusing the two
  in the deafening ring of shells

"Both enemy and friendly" seems to be about the only thing you can say 
here, if you keep the rest of the stanza, but it seems rather 
clunky...I wish I could make some sort of suggestion, but I can't think 
of anyway to make it less bothersome

  as i was running for cover in some cerebral corner
  as the shrapnel ripped at my heart
  just narrowly missing the 'smart' bombs
  threatening the logic infrastructure

this whole stanza seems remarkably wordy, I"m not saying I don't like 
it...it just seems to kinda veer drastically from the first. Where the 
first was well stated in a nice strong voice, this stanza kinda wimps 
out, hiding behind too many busy words

  when the occasional hit of agent orange
  scourged the grey matter jungle

I like this bit here...well stated, comes across rather strong...nice

  during the love battles
  with the players and the heartbreakers
  the bugaboos and the scrubs
  the bad girls and the grand 'ol boys
  the fastlovers and the swingers
  when i was a counterspy
  dancing through the emotional landmines

"...the players and the heartbreakers"  seems a bit off..perhaps kill 
this part and go straight to "the bugaboos and the scrubs" (with the 
bugaboos and scrubs). Another suggestion is to break this up a bit...so 
that "when I was a counterspy; dancing through the emotional landmines" 
becomes its own section

  the horror.

this works well just the way it is...slick

  i am home
  safe at home at a new base
  with my ally
  but there's always the flashbacks
  and the wondering why
  i got that damn viet nam treatment


perhaps split "safe at home at a new base" into 2 lines, seems like it 
might flow a bit better. "with my ally" seems to be almost unnecessary, 
but I can't pin point why...just a gut feeling

Overall, I like this piece Jon, and I hope you don't mind that bit up 
there, but you asked for it <g>

#3 of 6 by orinoco on Wed Nov 17 14:57:14 1999:

I think the clunkiness that Joe noticed in the first stanza comes from "both
enemy and friendlly, sometimes confusing the two..." which makes it sound like
"enemy and friendly" is the _subject_ of "confusing" rather than the object.
I had to read that one a second time to parse it right.

"running for cover in some cerebral corner" is great.  I agree that the rest
of the stanza is kind of wordy, though.  

The last line bugs me a little.  It seems a bit too obvious, or something.
Not sure why.

#4 of 6 by lumen on Tue Nov 23 21:46:43 1999:

<reworked>

The veteran inside.

i can still hear the echo
of machine gun fire in my soul
both enemy and friendly

in the deafening ring of shells
i couldn't tell which was which
as i was running for cover in some cerebral corner
the shrapnel ripped at my heart
and bombs threatened to expose me from
my shelter of logic and sanity

i remember
when the occasional hit of agent orange
scourged the grey matter jungle
warping my sense of emotion

and it was during the love battles
with the bugaboos and the scrubs
the bad girls and the wild boys
the fastlovers and the swingers

when i was a counterspy
dancing through emotional landmines

the horror.

i made it home
safe at a new base
but i can't shake the flashbacks
and the stigmatizing label
of an unwanted hero

#5 of 6 by orinoco on Wed Nov 24 18:28:07 1999:

<nods>  nice....I like the new ending.

#6 of 6 by ponder on Wed Jan 12 02:43:21 2000:

I like this.
GW Jon.

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