Grex Poetry Conference

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Grex Poetry Item 144: Porn
Entered by ponder on Fri Nov 5 18:26:50 UTC 1999:

They dance,
Sultry seducers that they are,
Like lovely snakes in human form
Wrapping their perfect coils around our throats
From within their magic world,
Choking off our senses,
Making us blind to everything
Except their writhing, twisting, naked bodies.
Unwillingly,
Unknowingly,
We carry them from their world
And into ours.
We give them temporary shelter
In the holy temples of our minds
And they turn our temples into bordellos,
Invite in all their friends,
Tell us everything is fine,
Smile to us that they will leave when we want them to.
Yet,
If we ever choose to put them out,
To clean our mental temples,
They return through unsealed cracks and mouse holes,
Hoping that we will give in,
Allow them to stay in our temple,
Forget our true loved ones,
Make them real,instead.
                
                -4 November, 1999

6 responses total.

#1 of 6 by lumen on Fri Nov 5 23:33:53 1999:

The enlightenment is coming, Julie-- with a little work on the ending, 
I'd say this piece is probably your best work to date.

Some of the wording of the last stanza is a tad awkward and I had to 
read it a couple of times.  The flow seems a bit interrupted, and if 
you inserted a few articles, say, "to" before "allow" and "forget"; and 
the word "and" before make; I think the ending would be smoother.

I am so proud of you-- if this poem is any indication, you are vastly 
improving.

btw, I'm sorry and I won't do it again

#2 of 6 by orinoco on Sun Nov 7 07:34:50 1999:

By line four, you had me paying attention: it sounded from the opening that
this was going to be yet-another-sultry-happy-sex-poem, so "wrapping their
perfect coils around our throats" really made me sit up and take notice.  Is
there any way you could make that same jolt come a little earlier?  It seems
to me that the contrast of that line is what's at the heart of the poem, and
what's interesting about the poem; and the longer you delay it, the more you
risk that people will just see the cliche instead of your twist on it.

I'm gonna cast my vote against Jon's on the ending, though; I think it works
very well, especially the last three lines.  Regardless of the details,
though, I agree that this is my favorite of yours so far.

"Unwillingly, / unknowingly / we carry them from their world / and into ours"
seemed like the weak link of the poem to me.  Now, mind you, that's a weak
link between two very strong links, so I wouldn't worry about it too much,
but you might want to play around with this middle chunk a little.

(And I'd say your point is eminently clear without such a blunt title, but
that's also a pretty tiny point).

#3 of 6 by lumen on Tue Nov 9 01:23:46 1999:

well, anyway, when you see this, take this as a reminder that the 
conference is seriously noticing your poetry, Julie (if I don't mention 
it beforehand)

#4 of 6 by ponder on Tue Nov 9 18:50:50 1999:

<bows>thank you, guys.

#5 of 6 by toking on Wed Nov 10 05:03:54 1999:

all together wonderful...the only part that struck me as being a tad 
off was "To clean our mental temples" the wording seemed a bit too 
cutsey for the rest of the piece

good show julie

#6 of 6 by ponder on Fri Nov 19 18:33:10 1999:

Yeah.  I know it's a little corney.  

Thanks for the compliment, Joe.

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