vauge
half remembered dreams
flowing visions
of deep red lust
all that I remember
as I awake trembling and terrified
shaken by images
far too elusive to grasp

6 responses total.

Ooh...

Wow.  That's really good, joe.
I think it's the shortest poem you've ever writen, too. (;
I think it takes more skill to say much with a few well chosen words than to
write a whole lot to say basically the same thing -- similerly, it takes more
skill to sing softly and retain the intensity and focus of the tone than it
takes to sing at normal to full volume.

Yeah, what she said. 

I love "shaken by images far too elusive to grasp" -- they can touch you, but
you can't touch them.  "Deep red lust" doesn't do anything for me; a different
adjective, maybe?  Anyway, I more or less agree with arianna and jshafer. 

I also agree with Erinn and John.  This is effective, and I think you 
should try for brevity a bit more often.  On the other hand, I'm often 
reading these poems burnt out, tired, stressed, or all of the above.

I agree with Dan that perhaps "Deep red lust" isn't the best 
wordsmithing in and of itself, but I instantly saw blood blooming into a 
pool of water, or redness blushing and rushing to fill a space.  Maybe 
I'm more intensely visual than Dan-- I think this was a superb use of 
imagery.

i thin tis is ore of a picre I wish I could draw than a poem....maybe
I"ll try and have jessi do it...

Response not possible - You must register and login before posting.

- Backtalk version 1.3.30 - Copyright 1996-2006, Jan Wolter and Steve Weiss