(untitled)

Remembering the broken wing
But not quite understanding why,
The healing bird still fears to fly.
The memory of pain is strong;
Apprehension lingers long
And dampens love of everything.
 
The cougar's rush has missed, and spared
The white-tail doe from grisly fate
But scars upon her hide of late
Have ached and made her dreams to roil;
They cause her appetite to spoil
For the pleasures she once cared.
 
Six to three and breakfast rush
Does much to make the spirit numb
And keep the past beneath the thumb
Of the day's most urgent needs
Which grow like thistles and tall weeds
Around life's ever-fruitful bush.
 
The scars of mind are very sad
And often cause us not to try
Without so much as asking why
We should forgo what we once had.
Let not past pain still cause despair;
The cool spring still awaits cavort,
and from each tree the birds make sport
as they take to the warming air.

17 responses total.

wow.  that was beautiful.
(if you had any idea how appropriate that lasat stanza is to my life right
now....)

I agree, since I am reeling in a state of confusion and post-traumatic 
shock..

boy I need so much therapy..

can't wait to get to MI to escape some family members, but I will miss 
others terribly

What, no criticism?  How'm I ever going to improve if nobody
shakes out the weak images and suggests better wording?  If
I didn't know better I'd swear you were just buttering me up. ;-)
 
This is another bit of consciousness, but not from a single incident.
I'd seen so many people running ragged (eat out for a while, you're
bound to see wait staff at their wits ends) and/or just plain
scared of life due to bad experiences.  LIke a newspaper horoscope,
it was bound to fit something in most people's lives.
 
I wish I could make the two sets of images fit better, but I don't
see how to integrate them; a human analogue to the animal situations
is just too scary, and harried tedium just can't compare in importance
to the individual.  Maybe they belong in separate poems, as the only
thing they have to do with each other is that I was thinking about
them at the same time.  Too stream-of-consciousness, maybe.  Then
again, without the intro I don't see what I could use as the message
to the burned-out victim of harried tedium.
 
Ah!  I see it now!  A poem stricken by Fate, flawed from its birth. ;-)

hm...criticism.
the first two stanzas of this poem are out of place to me ear.  misdirected.
the rest of it almost seems like it belongs to another similer piece.

you asked for criticism, so here it is (and I'll have you know that I do
enjoy this piece)

                (untitled)

        Remembering the broken wing
        But not quite understanding why,
        The healing bird still fears to fly.
        The memory of pain is strong;
        Apprehension lingers long
        And dampens love of everything.
         
        The cougar's rush has missed, and spared
        The white-tail doe from grisly fate
        But scars upon her hide of late
        Have ached and made her dreams to roil;
        They cause her appetite to spoil
        For the pleasures she once cared.
        

nice...good solid imagery, sticks on course, great opening, hell, I even
like the rhyming


        Six to three and breakfast rush
        
what am I missing here? I don't get the line....

        Does much to make the spirit numb
        And keep the past beneath the thumb
        Of the day's most urgent needs
        Which grow like thistles and tall weeds

O.K. I don't quite get the first line, but it seems to be talking about
the everyday hustle and bustle of modern life, which works, beautiful
contrast to the first 2 stanzas. I am of the oppinion, however, that you
mixed it up a bit when you include the bit about thistle and tall weeds
(unless I"ve missed my mark on the hustle and bustle thing)     

        Around life's ever-fruitful bush.

I like the rhyme scheme, but this is a kind of personal peeve of mine,
if you're gonna go with a deffinate rhyme scheme then using rush and
bush is a sort of cop out, like using dead and read (as in, "I'll read
it later")

        
        The scars of mind are very sad
        And often cause us not to try
        Without so much as asking why
        We should forgo what we once had.

It seems to me that if you're going to break the pattern at this point
it would flow a little better as two short stanzas as opposed to one
long stanza

        Let not past pain still cause despair;
        The cool spring still awaits cavort,
        and from each tree the birds make sport
        as they take to the warming air.

"cavort" appears to be the entirely wrong word here, unless I"ve gone
brain dead it seems entirely out of place in this line. I'm under the
impression that you're trying to imply something to the effect of "The
past hurt, but life is still beautiful so enjoy it" which is a great
sentiment with which to end this piece, so it's not the sentiment I
disagree with, it's the actual usage

What I would suggest: 

1: Leave the first two stanzas as they are (beautiful)
2: Change the first and last lines of the second stanza
3: Change the "thistle and tall weeds" line in the second stanza
4: Either break the last stanza into two short stanzas, or change it to
   match the other three
5: In the last stanza replace "cavort" with a more fitting word

the "six to three" line?  you didn't get that?

call me stupid...but no...splain it

Sounds like the highschool/college equivalant of nine-to-five, offhand
Get up at six, get home from school at three...
*shrug*

that makes a bit more sense then (I've been out of school for too long I
suppose, maybe I lost that particular mind set)

Hmm, I took it (and the thing about the breakfast rush) to imply morning 
shift (breakfast & lunch) at a greasy spoon or truck stop...

not everyone works 9 to 5; the point was to emphasize the rhetoric and
repatition we endure daily.

"Six to three and breakfast rush" is about a gruelling work
schedule (at least, that's what I meant when I wrote it).

I wrote this and one other piece in a brief episode one evening
(or maybe it was morning, I don't recall).  I haven't revisited
it since, except to post it here.  If I were trying to re-phrase
the weeds section today, I might try something like "rank and
noxious weeds" or "tall and choking weeds".  Not sure if I'd even
want to keep that image, but I'm not actively working on it.

Oh, the intended message of the piece.  if I had to sum it up in one
sentence, I would have to say that it doesn't matter if you are one
of the walking wounded or too harried to turn around, life is a lot
better if you remember to smell the flowers; life is too short to
spend it all on work or wallowing in hurt.  (I have to remind myself
of this frequently.)

This has potential to be a rather nice piece.  I have some suggestions, 
but I'm much too tired to make them now.  

<knows all about tired>
<thud>

I love the rhyme scheme here...it's especially appropriate to the poem, IMO,
because the rhyme between the first and last lines sort of makes you linger
over each stanza.  Or something like that.

I agree with Joe that "thistles and tall weeds" sounds too peaceful and
relaxed to be an image of hustle and chaos, which seems to be how you're using
it.  I disagree about the rush/bush thing, but I've got a Thing for off-rhyme,
so it figures.

<grammar bitch>  
The last line of stanza 2 isn't grammatical, unfortunately.  What you really
need to say is "they cause her appetite to spoil for the pleasures she once
cared for", but that doesn't work with yr rhyme scheme.  
</grammar bitch>

Hmm..."Which swarm like thistles and tall weeds", maybe?

Okay, here (finally) are my promised comments.  

I think the first stanza is strong.  Or, at least, I can't think of 
any way to better it.  The second stanza is clear in meaning, but 
could use some technical polish, especially the last three lines.  Some 
suggestions (I like the second one better):

        ...
        Have ached and have her dreams profaned;
        And cause her appetite to wane
        For everything for which she cared.

Or 

        ...
        Have ached and have her dreams bespoiled,
        They cause her appetite to roil,
        Forsaking all for which she cared.

In stanza three, I think "Does much..."  should be "Do much...", as the
subject is plural.  Line four's rhythm rubs me wrong; I think it needs 
an extra syllable.  What springs to mind is "Of every day's most urgent 
needs", which, on examination, is a sort of twisted quotation of 
Elizabeth Barrett Browning's _How Do I Love Thee_  ("I love thee to the 
level of everyday's / Most quiet need..."), which I find rather 
intriguing.  If that doesn't suit you, then perhaps something 
alliterative, like "Of dreary day's most...", or even "Of daily grind's 
most..."   I like the thistles, I think they work, and alliterate with 
"tall weeds".  

The last stanza, in my opinion, is the weak point in the poem.  I think 
that cutting it into two shorter stanzas would strengthen it, but I 
think it would be better yet if it were cut down or rewritten in the 
form of the other stanzas.  My best effort comes out like this:

        Let not past pain still cause despair;
        Let not the scars of mind restrain
        Us, though the world seem filled with pain.
        The cool spring still invites our sport,
        And fresh-healed birds may still cavort
        As they take wing in warming air.

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