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23 responses total.

Me, I figure that kids will find what they're ready for.  So if a kid finds
a porn site and doesn't go "eww, yuck!", it's time (or past time) for that
little talk most parents dread.  Now, if you are already pretty confident
that your kid has their head on straight about sexual matters and that
there's nothing much to hide between you, then it's just part of their
education.  Take the chance to ask them what values they think are being
reinforced by the stuff they've found, etc. and get them thinking with their
brains *and* their hormones.  
If you haven't discussed it yet, it might be a good idea to find someone that
both you and the kid trust, to chat with them about the difference between
fantasy and reality (like the lack of condoms-or pregnancy-or disease- or
even towels <g>- in porn) and about sexual mores and values, and about how
to deal with their own reactions to what they find, and about appropriate
levels of sexual experimentation- how to say no, what to do about their own
frustration, etc. 
In other words, I'm *really* into education, not censorship.
This won't help a mom who's afraid of sexuality, or who doesn't have a good
trust relationship with her kid, or whose kid is all ready "out of control",
or whatever.

I'd say something like, "Wow, look at that.  Do you know what that
is about?"  If the answer is, no, I'd tell them about how some 
adults really like thinking about naked people and that it can
be a nice substitute for having real sex.  If the child answers, yes,
I'd close the door.

Gee, Mary, can I tell you're older and more experienced than I am?  Same
answer, *much* more succinct.  Thanks.

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For a daughter, I wouldn't know.  But if something like this happens a year
from now, when Jonathan is 11, I'll probably say "It's not a good idea to
spend a lot of time with something like that [giving my reasons ... I tend
to talk too much] but do you understand what's going on?" and carry on
educationally.

I don't consider pornography "wrong" any more than I consider
masturbation "wrong".  And I most certainly wouldn't say anything
to my child which would make it sound like either of the above
sexual aids were wrong.

I would and have.  My boys know that pornography is not, under any
circumstances allowed in my home.  

If they were exploring the web and found a pornographic site, my comment would
be,"not on my nickle, you don't".

In most circumstances I try to be reasonable and informative, but I think
everyone is allowed a little leeway to be irrational about some things.  Even
parents.  I hate pronography and I won't even try to be reasonable about it.
It's not allowed in my home under any circumstances.

I'm with mta on this one.  I have some personal values that I expect to be
respected in my home, whether or not you agree with me.  

Abusive, derogatory or locker room language are not allowed, nor are photos,
magazines, books or anything else that appears to be pornography.  
What I say is, "When you are an adult, living in your own home, you have every
right to talk that way/read those things. But in my home, it's not allowed".
Since I have the same attitude about smoking in my home, it's an easy analogy
for them to understand.  

If I thought that my son was not likely to accept my (negative) 
recommendation, I'd be more forceful about it.  But he's entitled to know,
whenever something like this comes up, *why* we believe it's not appropriate.  
(And with the good web browser we don't have, all this is not likely to 
happen anyway!)

I agree that children have the right to be informed about why their parents
feel as they do about things -- but how do you explain to a young boy about
how Mom was molested at 7 and 14, raped at 14, had a child, was sexually
abused repeatedly for years and has come to associate pornography with the
feelings she had about women in general and herself in specific during those
years?  I think that might be heavy a load to put on a child's mind when he's
developing his own sexuality.  Better a "this isn't about anything rational,
don't bother to try to understand it".

or maybe not.  But I haven't found another.

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   yikes.

   um, one might try explaining that mom thinks pornography denigrates women
and tends to teach young males some rather unhealthy attitudes toward and
about women, and let the deeper explanation go until either the kid asks about
it (i've alwyas thought that if they're old enough to ask the question,
they're old enough to hear the answer) or until mom thinks it's time for the
kid to be told (if ever). either way, it's not necessarily an easy discussion
to have.

Misti, I think the reasons you gave for not finding much
worth or value in pornography could be shared with a
child of almost any age.  And it would be appropriate
to tell him or her why it makes you uncomfortable and
that you don't like it much.  I just wouldn't state it
in such a way that it makes pornography wrong or immoral.

I think we frequently use the excuse that children can't
handle it as a way of avoiding difficult subjects and 
of having to be honest when honesty is uncomfortable.

Any moderately intelligent and sensitive child will
quite early on discover topics which are sensitive, 
off limits, and which result in silence or withdrawal.
By not talking honestly about what's behind these
topics you will do far more harm than good.  

Ouch.
Kids identify with their parents or other powerful adults.  I *certainly*
would not tell that story until after he (or she, if we're pretending this
is hypothetical) was 14, to try and reduce that identification.  And I'd work
*very* hard to make sure a young boy was never led to identify with the
rapist such that he felt himself to be potentially that harmful.  At the same
time, it *is* reasonable to talk about the way people are portrayed in most
pornography as mostly collections of parts and how it can lead to being
careless of the sanctity of an individual.  With an older child, I might go
and *get* some fairly middle-of-the road example of the genre and dissect it
together, showing what's unrealistic about it, what beliefs and expectations
it sets up, how it objectifies people, etc.  Now, I don't know that someone
who has been wounded in such a fashion is going to be that dispassionate, adn
for an older boy, a same-sex role model might be the better mentor, but I
haven't gotten there yet, on this issue.  Certainly, we've had a reasonable
success with this method, regarding network tv and commercial products.
        Can you tell just how much I like tv?...<g>

My experience is that kids suck-up honesty at every age so as
long as the information is presented in understandable terms
it is fitting for discussion.  This has often made for some
discussions where I felt uncomfortable and vulnerable but
I think the end result has been worth all of that.

I have always put a lot of trust in my son.  If he was old
enough to ask the question or show interest in the subject
then he was old enough for the truth.  Nothing was ever
"censored" and he never heard the words "we'll talk about that
when you're older".  At 20 he thinks for himself far better 
than most other adults I know.  That was the goal.

Thanks, Mary- it's important to hear that other parents feel "uncomfortable
and vulnerable" and find the result to be worth that discomfort.  Sometimes 
it's hard to find the fortitude to tackle tough topics.

I remember the time quite clearly when my son, about age 8 or 9,
came home from school after one of those anti-drug abuse rallies
at school, looked me straight in the eye, and asked me if I'd
ever used pot or acid.  It was the only time in my life I'd wished
I'd not used pot and acid.  He got a straight answer.  Some of
what I said was probably in direct conflict with what he'd heard
that day at school.  I trusted him to keep asking asking questions
and to think it through for himself.

There have been other difficult questions.  But they are far too
private for this public forum.

I don't mean to sound like I have found THE answer here.  I just
know what feels right for me and supports the kind of relationships
I value.  Others may feel quiet differently and still be right.
Right, in this context, is a moving target. ;-)

Re: 5 gracel, I am curious as to why you know how you would deal with a son
with respect to this issue, but not sure how you would deal with a daughter.
I don't think I respond differently towards my "sisters" than towards my
"brothers"

I have some idea how I would deal with *this* son, was my point -- I've never
had a daughter, don't now ever expect to, & there might be some difference
that I haven't thought of.  I certainly would not be less honest with one than
with the other,  but I'm aware that more males than females become addicted
to pornography.  

I wonder how much of the "addiction" stems from it being illegal; often kids
go through a phase where they break rules for the sake of breaking them and
sometimes it seems that some of what they "like" at the moment may only be
an addition to their knowing they aen't allowed to.  I've seen this happen
quite frequently with respect to alcohol; kids who drink beer because they
know their parents object, even if they don't like the taste of beer.  But
this is only a hypothesis that may explain a small portion of the youth
population, as with adults, there are the mature and responsible and the ones
who aren't.

That also explains why drug use went way up the louder the "just say no"
campaign got.  If things are explained with reasons that kids understand, they
are likely to listen, and at least think about things.  If things are talked
about as being evil, end of discussion, it becomes the perfect thing to rebel
against.

My sense, however, with pornography, is that it *can* be a real "addiction".
That is, I know at least one person for whom it was never forbidden and who
nevertheless is a regular consumer of pornography- separate from a healthy
sex life.  Thing is, while I don't particularly believe that it necessarily
teaches men to objectify women or leads to sexual violence, I do think it has
influenced this person's sexual fantasies, expectations and patterns in ways
which may not reflect more common reality.  It might be a bad thing, and it
might have been better if his early sex life hadn't been molded quite so much
by reading pornography.  Curiously, it doesn't seem to have created in him a
rigid model for female beauty.

If a child is old enough to ask, he or she may just be old enough to
understand the reasoning behind it.  Never underestimate the ability of a
child.  Especially when children these days grow up so much quicker.

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