When my cousin was born, I was ecstatic.  I was an only child at the time
and was often bored and lonely.  Now I finally had someone to play with
when the adults were busy.  I took care of him as if he were my own little
brother.  I played with him, talke d to him, and went on walks with him. 
As he got older, I read books to him, introduced him to the wonderful
world of computer games and Nintendo.  When he started school I helped him
with his homework and projects. 

Then when he was nine, his father got transferred, relocating their entire
family 1000 miles away.  Instead of seeing him once or twice a week, I saw
him once or twice a year.  At first, I didn't notice any change.  I was in
high school and too swamped wi th A.P. exams, SAT's and achievement tests
to notice much else.  But in the past year, I've spent about 3 weeks with
him and I've noticed a lot of changes. 

He's not my "little" cousin anymore.  He doesn't look up to me like he did
when he was younger, he doesn't need my help.  He's become wise,
independent, self-confident and mature.  He can take care of himself fine. 
He knows more than I ever did at that a ge.  I'm happy that he's turned
out so well, but on the other hand, I'm sorta sad. 

Why? 

Because I feel he doesn't need me anymore.

I've been told by several people on different occasions that it sounds
like I'm almost letting go of a child and letting him grow up.  This is
why I chose to enter this item here.  Now, obviously, we're not that much
apart in age, but I do feel like I'm l etting him off into the real world,
and it is very hard. 

Does anyone else understand what I'm going through?  Any suggestions on
how to make it easier?  Any stories of your own to share? 

5 responses total.

Does sound a lot like being a parent.  I don't have any secrets to share,
except to learn to know him as a person now.  Take time to develop a *new*
relationship with him, if you can, as a person and a peer, since the age
difference is much less significant than it was.  You may find that you like
the young man as much as you loved the child.

I can offer o suggestions, sorry.  Until last July, I raised my two oldest
grandsons (almost 8 and 5).   THat is NO suggestions)  Their mother now raises
them and they live 6 hours away.  I hardly ever get to see them.  It is very
hard, sometimes unbearably so.  Time does tend to heal as you have found out.
I liked Kami's suggestion to begin a new relationship.  A wise assessment.

As everyone else has said, that's a part of loving a child.  I go through it
regularly.  

My kids spend most summers in Europe with my elder son's father's family. 
When they come home after 2 or 3 months I see very clearly all the changes
that have propbably been coming about all year -- but what with day to day
life I hadn't noticed.  It sounds like you just got a distilled taste of
what everyone who loves a child get to go through in one way or another.

I have since seen him and we stayed up many nights talking about life, the
universe and everything else.  It's odd, but even though I can tell he is much
more mature than I was at that age, and that he really is an "adult" as much
as I am, part of me can't let go.  For one thing, the fact that he is
interested in dating kind of shocks me.  I still think he's too "little" for
that, even though he's taller than me now.

On Independence Day one year, the year he was born, his father had just bought
this Polaroid camera and was taking pictures with it.  We ewre playing on the
carpet and my uncle asked us to look at the camera and smile for the picture.
When the picture came out, we saw that I had looked straight at the camera
and he had looked straight at me.

I know he will never look up to me the way he used to.  Part of me will always
miss that.  But part of me also knows that if I had to give that up to gain
a friend, I'd do it again.  And I know I will have to.  He is the oldest of
six.  Then there's also my sister and two more cousins.

I know he has to grow up and I'm just glad he's grown up into a good person.
But that doesn't make it any easier to let go.  I'm trying though, just like
the way my parents had to with me.

Is there any way to start this letting go process earlier so it doesn't hit
all at once?

Just staying aware that it's coming helps.  Spending some time thinking about
what it'll be like when they're grown helps.

But it's always a loss.  there's no way around that because no one is a loving
and trusting when they've grown enough to have gotten banged around
emotionallya few times.

Response not possible - You must register and login before posting.

- Backtalk version 1.3.30 - Copyright 1996-2006, Jan Wolter and Steve Weiss