Grex Parenting Conference

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Grex Parenting Item 45: Parenting class, week 3 (The 4 goals)
Entered by gracel on Thu May 26 15:52:56 UTC 1994:

Active Parenting Today, week 3: chapter title "Understanding Your Child"
        This week was mostly about analyzing children's behavior in
terms of the goals they are trying to reach, with the idea that
misbehavior is a negative approach to a positive goal.  Summary:

(Child's goal) (Negative approach)     (Parent's typical feeling)
 Contact        Undue attention-seeking Irritation
 Power          Rebellion               Anger
 Protection     Revenge                 Hurt
 Withdrawal     Avoidance               Helplessness

The book suggests different things to do in these different situations,
and also gives examples of positive approaches; our discussion mostly
focused on labeling the goals in particular cases.  
        General idea of the week:  These kids aren't *trying* to drive 
me out of my mind, & things will go better if I figure out what they
*are* trying to do.

7 responses total.

#1 of 7 by vidar on Thu May 26 18:58:14 1994:

Some of these parent's typical feelings overlap in my approach.  But
that's because it's a mixture of Power, Rebellion, and Revenge.

#2 of 7 by kami on Thu May 26 20:22:27 1994:

I've seen this stuff before.  Wish I could remember the source.  Are you sure
about the Withdrawal   Avoidance    Helplessness    one?  Sometimes, the
behavior of withdrawal/avoidance is actually an insecure request for contact
and security- the kid feels abandonned for some reason, doesn't really expect
a good response from the parent, so "rejects" the parent first.  If the parent
tries to "respect the child's desire to be left alone", it just compounds the
child's belief that the parent isn't there for them.  In other words, it can
be a follow up to behavior # 1.  Now, I'm mostly thinking of younger children,
but sometimes it is relevant to older kids and teens, too.

#3 of 7 by vidar on Fri May 27 19:34:46 1994:

Negative approach: Rebellion=Fear.
Goal Revenge = Fear the truth will come out instead of the 'truth' as it were,
Hurt feelings, Emptiness, Loss of Child in the end.

#4 of 7 by gracel on Sun May 29 21:24:54 1994:

        #2--I'm sure only that I was quoting the chart on p. 67 correctly!
But that "approach" is better labeled "*undue* avoidance".  This goes
with (in their nice chart) "Child's belief: I'm a failure at everything.
Leave me alone. Expect nothing from me" and "Some actions you can take:
Be patient; find ways to encourage child".  As contrasted to the
positive approach to withdrawal, what they call "centering", where
the child just needs to be alone for a while & will let you know when
the "while" is over.
        #1&3--I think I'm confused.  Say on?  (be aware that
this is aimed at parents of 2 to 12 year olds, thank you for not taking
offense at the word "child")  Are you trying to get revenge, for its
own sake, by rebelling?  Or trying to get revenge to protect yourself,
and also rebelling when necessary to get power and to take responsibility 
for yourself?  Or something else?  Obviously with fear involved it's
a dangerous mixture (and distressingly familiar, on a small scale).

#5 of 7 by vidar on Sun May 29 23:36:35 1994:

See item 12 in Genx, which I believe is item 30 something here.  There
will you find your explaination.  I have forgetton the item in both
conferences.

#6 of 7 by gracel on Tue May 31 20:12:00 1994:

(Item 39 here in smalls)

#7 of 7 by vidar on Tue May 31 20:28:29 1994:

I knew it was in the 30's

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