If you have lost contact with your best friend for five years and then meet
him suddenly in a completely unexpected place, what do you do? 

You had known and believed that your friend can never get deviated from his
goal because he always seemed to be in great control over himself in the past,
besides, it was always he who helped you recover when you were suffering from
the trauma of a failure. What do you do, if you now find that the same person
is an absolute drug-addict, who would not listen to any reason no matter how
much you try, and who has completely lost his vision in life ? You try to talk
to him an bring him to his senses, but soon realise that he now has little
value for your friendship. He doesn't really care about how you feel about
him. What do you do now?

17 responses total.

Wow.  That happened to me (not seeing them and then running into them).  We
talked all afternoon then kept in touch via phone and letters for several
years, and then we got email.  We were close until last Fall when he went to
jail for child abuse.  =(  Bastard.  Needless to say, we aren't friends
anymore.

In the case you present, you're doing all you can.  It's up to them to help
themselves, and it's sad to watch that happen to someone you care about.

        If you could talk someone out of an addiction, then addictions
wouldn't be such nasty things.  It's generally best to let people learn
whatever leassons they need to learn, and give them support only when they're
getting better.

Sometimes it takes hitting bottom for someone to understand.  And it's the
hardest thing in the world watching someone you care about fall and you can't
catch them.  It takes so much energy to "fix" another person, and when they
don't want that help, the only thing you can do is tell them you will be there
for them, and then walk away.  You can't hound them into wanting to help
themselves.  But if you are a true friend, they will know that if they need
someone, they can come and ask you.

<nods> Sometimes it's the hardest thing in the world to walk away, but 
there are times when you have to.  Let them know that if they get help- 
you'll be there for them.  However, you can't 'fix' someone, something 
like this probably takes someone who is trained to help someone help 
themselves.

Also, remind them that if they want you at their funeral that soon, then they
should take extra doses... I actually told a friend that, and it actually
helped... he is now drug free.  It is great because I was lucky enough to get
most of the old friend I knew back.  .

Somtimes people don't want to be caught.

Rekindling friendships doesn't have to be bad.
A couple of years ago, I think in 1996, I met this guy I hadn't seen 
for at least four years. We still connected like yesterday.
We try to meet at least once every month now.

true friendship *can* last a liftetime.

I agree, true freindships can last a lifetime.  

However, there are times when people have issues of a certain sort that 
you just can't help them- and even when your presence acts as a 
facilitator for their addiction/issue.  In that case, well, you can't 
force someone to help themselves, you can't magically cure your friend 
I'm afraid. <smiles> Doesn't necessarily mean that you can't try to 
help them see that they need help...  

There's a fine line between truly trying to help a friend, and being 
subsumed by their problems.

I hope your friend gets help and is able to be your friend again, 
Majumder.

Friendships last a lifetime?  Who are you?  Do I know you?  <grins>

Sometimes you can get so wrapped up in the us of a friendship, that you need
to go away and experience other things and other people to have something else
to add to the relationship.  Close friendships are very close to more romantic
relationships, even down to the jealousy.  It's difficult when you see your
friend doing something that is harmful to them, to others, to you, and it's
worse when you see them not caring about the reprecutions of their actions
or of their life.  It's hard to see someone die right before your eyes, or
wish to die.  But when you're standing on a cliff, you can't just grab their
arm and hope to pull them back.  If they run too far or don't want the help,
they can fall right off.  You have to take a step back, give them room and
let them make the decision where they want to turn.

About 14 years ago I had a really good friend. At the time he was the best
friend I had. SOmewhere along the way he started to do some pretty stupid
things. Over time he managed to alienate just about every friend he had except
me. I held out the hope that he would turn things around and made myself
available to help. I don't think I'll ever know what was going through his
head during that time but eventually he had to pay for the things he had done.
At that point there was nothing more I could do for him.
So as hard as it is there are times when you do have to let go and let whoever
it is resolve their problems.

<nods> It's so hard, but you can't 'fix' a person who refuses to see 
that a problem even exists.

The tough part, is the acknowledgement of love. Sometimes, people want so much
to be loved by others, or soemone in specific, that they fail to see the love
their friends have for them. When this occurs, it is rather difficult to
maintain integrity and friendship. This often occurs when our friends fall.
People have been known to do some fairly fatalistic and crazy things in the
name of love.

Heh, see my remark in the former item.
Losing one and showing the love you got for another.
I had to stick my nose in a beehive and now I am sorry.
But like the butthole surfers put it:
it's better to regret something you have done than to regret
something you haven't done.

(I don't think they were the ones that said it first. ;) )

Maybe they were.

They put it in song (if you want to call it that)

I think in order to maintain a friendship it has to come from both 
sides. lately I get the feeling I have been putting more effort into 
the friendships than others.
In order words: they are more important to me than I am to them.
That is an unsettling thought.

I am afraid to ask about it.

just smite them.

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