How do you make friends? What makes a friend? How can YOU be a friend? Where
does someone who, say, is in their mid-20s and single meet new people? How do
you end a friendship (a big issue for me right now)? It's something we take for
granted, but making new friends seems quite difficult. As does sustaining them.

78 responses total.

End a friendship?  Gee, that's, um, almost unthinkable.  I'm not the guy to
ask.  I have very few friends, and almost all of the ones I have are moving
in the next month.  I have, um, a grand total of one staying in town.  I only
see her once a week.  That leaves maybe six days out of every week to be
bored.

  You can count your real friends on one hand. If you have 10 good friends
by the time you die, you're doing well. I've never had many friends. I was
so unpopular as a child, I had to bribe the dog to get any attention out of
him. I don't want to turn this into a comedy schtick, but when I think about
how many true friends I have right now, I want to cry, because I have maybe
1.

I found that checking out different clubs/organizations is how to meet people.
I'm no good at making friends in random situations (elevator, etc), so being
in a group of interesting people helps a lot.  Grex was a good one (helps
being in the city where it lives to meet the people in meatspace), also the
martial arts school I train at is really good.  But I tried a number of
different places that did not turn out to be interesting also.

I'm attracted to interesting people who have a good sense of
humor and are willing to risk being honest.  Oh, I don't tend
to invest in high-maintenance needy personality types either.
I give at the office.

I think the only way to really make that impression is to throw all your
inhibitions out the window and show the person what you really are - it's a
very cliched thing to say, but a lot of us are on guard and stuff like that
when we really ought to take the chance - we haven't got anything to lose -
only to gain. And it does take a lot of effort - it did with me initially -
glad that's changed....

I know what you mean, Bees.  I have trouble making friends, too.  Like Scott,
I found that it became easier when I started joining organizations.  I've been
told that when people first meet me, they think I'm stuckup, though my close
friends find that hard to believe.  But being a part of an organization helps
because you get to see the same people over and over again and "check them
out" quietly until you feel comfortable being yourself.  

Also, pratapw has a point.  The more you show your true self, the more people
warm up to you.  (Assuming your reasl self isn't obnoxious.)  Of course,
that's a very hard thing to just do -- it takes practice and a lot of "acting"
at first.  If you act like you believe your someone people will want to get
to know (embarrassing at first -- but it doesn't look that way from the
outside) people react to you as though you're someone they want to know.  The
longer you do it, the more natural it becomes.

Another problem I've had is that I'm a social chameleon -- I act differently
with different friends. That made it a real headache when I met friends from
different social circles unexpectedly.  As I've gotten older, I've gotten more
secure in just acting how I felt at the time and that seems to be OK -- but
I don't think I could have done it as a teenager.  I wasn't sure enough of
who I was.  (That social chameleon thing made it *really* important to choose
my friends carefully, though.)

Misti, this isn't probably something you'd mention about yourself,
but you are a very good listener.  I've noticed that in conversations
I've had with you as well as watching you in groups.  That
is a wonderful attribute.

As one gets older one gets more involved in one's own family and affairs,
and has less time for activities with friends. So as time goes on I think
that, on the average, one may have a lot of acquaintances, and
acquaintances having mutual admirations, but the number of close friends -
people with whom one shares close confidences, drops. Especially among
men, from my observations. Women seem to be more sharing (also on the
average) and hence retain more close friends. 

<blush>  Thanks, Mary.  It's not something that'seasy to notice from inside,
so I'll take your word for it.  <g>

It's true, Misti - I had a very enjoyable cup of tea with you last fall.  =)

I don't remember *ever* thinking Misti was "stuckup".

I've heard some shy people come across as "stuckup" when you first meet them
because their hesitance at speaking at length with someone gets interpreted
as snobbishness instead of fear.

I never speak at length.  I hope it doesn't get interpreted that way.  People
usually think I'm either "mysterious" or just tight-lipped.

Yep that is one thing I need to do, listen more and listen better. I tune out a
lot without meaning to. Someone could be chatting away to me, and though I am
nodding and responding, if you asked me five minutes later what we talked about
I couldn't tell you. 

I do have a friend whom I met at a Christmas party last year (which oddly
enough I almost decided not to go to). She is very talkative and not the best
of listeners... she constantly interrupts me... but I still like the company
and we have a great time and can talk about 2000 topics in an hour. She has a
new boyfriend and yaks about him, but oddly enough it doesn't annoy or irritate
me in the least. I bond pretty quickly with talkative, approachable people. I
like shy people too, but sometimes the effort of chipping away at a person to
get to know them can be exhausting. I think in some ways that is my problem.

Volunteer some place where you are helping other people, you will if nothing
else meet other volunteers and see them regularly.  Kiwanis can always use
more volunteers and so can many other organizations.  Anybody want to list
a few?

This item is now linked to oathbound. :)

        Tell us more about oathbound.cf

I think you'll all seem to have a very different definition of a
friend. I don't think you need to be particularly sociable  of
attractive in order to make friends. When you involve yourself in
friendship all that you have to do is to commit yourself *without*
expecting anything from the other. I know this is difficult.But once you
accept this, you really learn a lot. You need not go to organizations
and such stuff. Everything lies *within you*. You can make the
difference.

Oathbound was originally started as a conference to discuss 
relationships- friendships, sibling relations, and so on..  I
figured an item on friends would fit right in there.

Vikram, your definition is a lovely one -- but one needs to find people with
whom one is comfortable before friendship of any sort is possible.  People
who extend your sort of friendship too freely are likely to be taken advantage
of in large twons in the US.

i think what vvasrani sez about "not expecting anything" is a little
unrealistic - when you enter a friendship - or whenever it develops and
happens, it's basic human nature to develop a dependency on the person - the
expectation is but a natural thing to happen - if i depend on x - then i
expect x to be there for me. i think the moment you're close enough in a
relationship, it really "happens" when both sides can acknowledge the fact
that there are expectations - and neither side is embarassed about the fact
that there are expectations. moreover, this acknowledgement will help sorting
out problems that later arise becoz of whatever reasons - it's not such a big
deal to admit you screwed up - not when it comes to salvaging a friendship

right now I have one quasi-good friend, one former good friend <just
cause I never see him>, and one person that I can no longer think of as
a friend <even though up until 3 months ago he was one of the best>

As far as I can tell my best strategy for meeting people/friends is to
sit there, not say anything, and run away whenever anyone tries to talk
to me.

It may not work, but it keeps me relatively safe.

Safe works for a time, goodness knows I tried that strategy, but I
firmly believe that you've gotta take some risks.  Happiness does
not come to those who sit, but those who reach for it.  There will
always be some pitfalls, and some bad experiences, but in the end,
I think the good outweighs the bad.

some of teh best friendships are the truly random occurances..
like the friend who I made by noticing taht she was drawing a celtic knot ..so
I hopped off my bunk, introduced myself..and 4 yers later, she's spending the
summer with me..
then there's the other girl who started out beating my up in 2nd grade, and
10 years later, we're still really good friends..

don't ask for a moral on that little rant tho :)

Indeed?  I loaned a coat to a very chilly looking individual two years ago
for the second half of a high school football game.  I'm visiting her house
later today.

Most my *really* good friends (people with whom I can discuss 
*anything*) are either my classmates from my undergrad days or 
ex-colleagues at the place I used to work earlier.

The idea of joining groups was that many Americans do not ordinarily come into
contact with many other people.  They do not meet people on the street because
they do not walk places.  Or take buses.  I expect that in India everyone
normally comes into contact with many other people every day, but here you
can be alone if you do not work at finding other people.  Especially the
self-employed who cannot meet people at work and are no longer in school.
Joining a group of people with similar interests will help to put you in touch
with potential friends.
        Many Americans also move so often that they never bother to get to know
their neighbors, and they do not live near their relatives.  It is not a
matter of decided which of your many acquaintances to be friendly with, but
of finding a way to make acquaintances.

I have too few friends to really analyze how I got them... they're moving
away, too, so I have to redo some things, I suppose.  

I was in a close-knit group of people with a similar interest for three years.
We had hour of contact with each other every day, to the point where we can
anticipate each other's moves and reactions.  I have zero friends from that
group.  

Real friends stand out from the crowd of acquaintances because they
are there to stay, if you know what I mean. A real friend will still be 
a real friend after ten years.
Vikram had a fine definition, but Pratap put in something that made 
sense as well, for nobody (unless they are fools) will engage into a 
friendship and invest time and affection without expecting *anything* 
back. The least you demand of the other party is that they will invest 
likewise. Basicly that's the whole purpose of having friends.
But, I can tell you, sometimes real friends will make themselves know to
 you when you least expect it. (In hardship). And some alleged 'real' 
friends turn out to be fair weather friends. Life is full of surprises.

A 'real' friend of mine, when I showed up on the way home with the flu (I had
to go run errands and his house was half way home and I stopped there to rest)
put me to bed with a quart of orange juice and a box of Kleenex for three
days.  This same friend called me at 3 a. m. for help unloading the truck
moving his furniture to Ann Arbor and I did not hesitate to help unload it
until 6 a. m.   I doubt if anyone has more than a few such friends at one
time.

Me and my best friend Heather have been friends since fourth grade. 
Considering that we are going on 25 this year, I'd say that's a pretty good
run.  We never go a day without talking to each other at least twice and we
both know that we can always count on each other, no matter what.  She is like
family to me.  I'd much rather have one friend like her than 20 that were just
"so-so".

Alas, my best friendand I have known each other since birth.  I'm not really
sure how to replicate tht sort of treatment.  He's one of the movers, by the
way.  Steubenville, Ohio.  Say hello to Standard Oil...

<hugs to Steve>  Just cause he's moving away doesn't mean you're not
going to be friends... isn't that what e-mail is good for?  Keeping
people close?  Long distance friendships can be as hard as long 
distance romantic relationships- but they can be survived. :)

I know a few people that decided to not be friends with me, but not notify
me. They just ignored me. I wouldn't suggest going that route.

        I seem to know a lot of people, but don't know how many to 
call true freinds.
        I got into science fiction fandom and found a lot of people
with interests like mine, and interests quite varied from mine.
When it was time for me to move to this house, a good housefull
came forward and helped out.  Others, out-of-state, went out of
their way for any acquaintance (me) when I traveling to Florida,
said, "sure, you're welcome to stay the night here, we got the 
space, and we can have some time together that we don't get at
the cons".
        With seven sibling, I do have some relationships to try
to keep freindly.  At least in the family nowdays, nobody is 
openly fueding.

I wonder if there are always family feuds in large families.  My father was
one of seven and he and one brother were not talking for many years.  Jim's
mother was not talking to one of six kids.  Maybe if you have more kids or
siblings you can be fussier about which ones you keep?

That would be a bad route.  Fairly inconsiderate.  

Uh, Email really doesn't do quite as good a job as hanging out with a person
does.

I'm the oldest of six, and none of us are actively feuding. :)

Steve- I know, but at least it's a way to keep in touch, and there
are always visits home to think of.  

My dad is the oldest of nine, and he has one sister that he doesn't
talk to very often... She's a litle strange, and took exception to
my mom, so that didn't make her a big favourite at our house.  But
there really isn't any 'feuding' currently, in fact, we just saw them
about a month ago.

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