Hello, I have a Q for people to see if some one can help me understand this.

Why do people blow others off if they call them their friend?
I mean, if they call you friend, then in my oppinion, your friends,
right? And if your not a persons friend, and that's why they
do that, blow you off that is, then why do these people call you 
friend?  Maybe I'm missing something here but that's my oppinion. 

Here's another Q for ya.  If they'er not doing it on perpus, how can you tell
them what they'er doing if you've said something befor? I mean I'm feeling
like I'm being treated in a maner that these people just don't wish
to deal with it, and if this is the case, why are they?

33 responses total.

        It'd help if you could be more specific about whatcha mean by 
"blowing off" - the circumstances are always the key to the situation.

Well Ok.
Lets say someone made plans with you and at a drop og
a hat, blow you off and left with another person.  
Or, lets say your willing to do anything for your 'friends' but
when you need soemthing, no ones there. 
Or lets say you listen to everyones problums but when you have one, and
need to talk to some one, everyones busy and has no time for you.

What do you do?

Screaming is a good way to get attention and when i get frustrated(that 
situation would frustrate me) i often scream.

It sounds to me like your describing fair weather friends. Take them at face
value only--don't expect anything from them, but also don't give them parts
of you that are personal and private. Save these things for "true" friends.
They are harder to find, but when you do find them, you'll know just what they
are. I've experienced this situation many times and have learned to make the
most of it, but I've also learned not to rely on these people either.

        It also depends on what your friends are doing at the time.
I know that I have had at least three 'friends' all yelling for my 
attention at once.  <I put friends in quotes, since at the time
it only seemed like they were my friends when THEY needed me>
There are only so many things that I can deal with at one time, and
sometimes my friends just have to be put on hold while I'm trying
to deal with something else.

        If you really want to know what a guy who's been on both sides of it
thinks ... and I think I've finally got shit of this nature figured out after
so many years of fucking it up consistently and a few screwed up relationships
that further confused things ... then here it is, but I'll warn you
beforehand, it's ugly.

        People are human.  Insofar as this explanation goes, that works out
to mean:

        (1)  Ninety percent of the time people interpret your actions and your
words in the context of their own definitions and their own perceptions.  A
sacrifice that means a great deal to you can mean little or nothing to someone
else - especially if you're always doing it - and a tiny gesture can mean
volumes.  I learned this again late last year - in how a simple gesture of
friendship really beat the shit out of someone I cared for because I'd never
given that specific gesture to them - even though I'd trusted them with (and
they lost) the most valuable thing I'd ever owned.

        (2)  People are human and sometimes people piss each other off. 
Mathematics tells you that this increases over time.  There's no one on this
earth I could spend a complete day with without getting at least slightly
annoyed - and no social faux paus I probably couldn't forgive in someone that
I only saw once in a year.

        (3)  People have a hard time telling people The Hard Truth, especially
when it comes to one person annoying another.  The problem here is that if
you don't tell someone when they're being human and you're being human and
you're getting on each other's nerves, it can blow up.  The worst problems
I've ever had with anyone or anything is when things just didn't get said -
and the only irreconcilable problems were when someone and I weren't speaking.

        (4)  People don't forget strange things (see #1).  If there's no
communication - or no good communication - this can get really fucked really
fast.

        In short, the practical thing to do is to take anyone blowing you off
as a sign that you need to back off - for any of a dozen reasons you can
extraplorate from those above someone doesn't want to spend time with you -
and that's not necessarily bad.  Lord knows I've had to deliberately take time
away from people I am in love with just because I was getting overloaded -
because people do that.  Give them space for a while and then talk honestly
- let 'em know what you've felt and why and listen to them.  Never fails.

Hmmm ....... The above advice worked for me, sort of.... 

And I didn't even by the Jazz Home Learner AudioCassette version.... : )

The Hard Truth is a tricky thing, fer sure....

        Sorry, I think I've got some Russian novelist blood in me somewhere
...

Well for one, I tell the truth, yes, don't look t me like that.. :)
I tell people the truth, I don't lie to them (unless the truth will really
harm them, then I look for a way to let them know if need be).  I don't lie
about myself, nore will I make plans with a peron and trah them for another
person.  It doesn't matter what therer'er doing, if they make plans with you,
and for no good reason blow you off to hang out with another, that's wrong,
in my eye. But I guess there are times that it's needed, but not all the time.

Fair Weather Friends, I think 98% of my 'friends' are just that come to think
of it. I'm there for them, all the time, at anytime.  If they call and wish
to hang out, and if I have other things to do, I'll see about bringing them
with me.  If they call and they 'need' me for what ever reason, all hell and
earth will stop for them and I'll be there.  Does this happen when I'm in
need, nope, they need to hang out at another place, no time for me.  Maybe
I ask to much of them.  

Hmmm....
   Here are my thoughts on this subject, and I will attempt to keep it short:
   People are people. Friends are people who you have things in common with.
Friends are people who you enjoy spending time with. Friends are people you
tell your thoughts to and who share things with you. Acquiantances are people
who are hi-bye and fair weather friends.
   Sometimes, friends need time for themselves. Sometimes the world becomes
too much for people and they need to crawl off for a little while. THis
doesn't mean they don't care about you or that they are trying to blow you
off. It simply means they need some time to themselves.
  Basic, I would suggest talking to your friends, let them know how you feel,
but also try to understand when they explain their behaviour. Try to keep in
mind that this is your friend you are talking to, and that as your friend,
they are entitled to be on the same ground as you are. Although you are hurt,
remember that your friend may be too, and there might be something bothering
them as well. Keep a cool head, and always remember to treat your friends
differently than you would just a person off the street.

        For some reason, people don't seem to communicate well.  Hell, there
aren't even words in the English language to describe different types of
platonic friendships without making allusions to other types of relationships.
So we're left reading subtelties and emotions.  And that isn't all that
reliable, either, especially because most cultures make games out of sending
out one subtlety and countering it with another!  (think of a coy look or
someone saying, "no, really I'm all right" when they're not)

        If we could communicate well, we'd probably see just how blind we are
to what goes on in other people's lives, even if we've been there before. 
Our own emotions and experiences get really tied up in all of what we see.
Hell, I remember being the most paranoid about someone cheating on me who
never did, who actually had more than one chance handed to them but outright
refused - and least paranoid about someone who actually did.  

        It'd really help if people actually said what they meant when they said
it from time to time, but then we run into another problem:  most people
really want to be reassured that things are allright, even if they're not,
and the real truth can hurt like hell.

        Yeesh, humanity's a messed up species. :)

There are ways to tell someone you care about the truth without hurting too
much--tact. I think it's great that we can share these thoughts and ideas on
a forum like grex--I see it as renewing the art of communication! There's been
some really insightful comments made here which may just help someone.

I think Basic should just deal or go away..  

I am not sure I understand that last comment.

freida notices that you really find out who your friends are when you live
in the back of way beyond...especially when the blizzard of 96 snows you in!

*comfort freida*

comfort taken...thanks angel eyes!

*send Freida several thousand hair dryers*

*stretches*
'Tis good to be back...

*freida ponders how to hook several thousand hair dryers to the electric pole*

I'm sure it can be done... somehow....

Me me me. ;)

Well, they are calling for freezing temps so that will take care of the mud
bog for the time being! *freida hopes the LP gas truck can come and fill her
tank on the frozen lane*

we'll be sending telepathic msgs to the gas truck to get there before the next
storm hits on Friday. At least they say we are more than halfway through
winter now! Spring will be here before you know it!

I am glad I have doctor's orders to laze around on the couch. I just wish I
could have some hot chocolate.....I have a mind to make some anyhow...but I
don't want to wreck my chances of getting better.

        Okay ... red one ... you swing around the back door with the chocolate
... red two, you grab the cups ... red three, you'll make the boiling water
...  now! GO! GO! GO!

        Erp, did I just reveal that in public?

the telepathic msgs to the gas truck did not work!  Bummer!  Now the truck
cannot make it down the lane because we got a foot of snow and then subzero
temps...a new record for the area...-15 degrees!  BRRRRRRR!  

Hope you feel better soon morgaene!

Frieda, are you supposed to get the near 50 degrees later this week? Perhaps
we'll send a few more telepathic msgs to the gas truck but the truck can only
do so much in terms of getting through snow and ice. Good luck!

Silly Jazz, hot cocoa is for people other than me. ;)
Oh Freida, I am in good hands now, I should be feeling better pretty soon.

        Hey!  This is a military operation ... details are irrelevant!  We
*will* get that hot cocoa through, damn the torpedoes!

Can we get the hot cocoa through in about a month when my intestinal tract
can handle it? ;)

        Oh ... er .... hmmmm.

        Okay boys, turn the truck around.

Ha ha, you are silly. :)

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