One of the things that can kill even the best of friendships is time.  I a
sure we have all had friends when we were little, or at different points in
our lives, that we lost because we changed and grew and became different
people.
 I have had friends when I was in my teens that I distanced myself from becaus
I think I felt like I had changed, and felt like they still saw me for who
I used to be instead of what I became.  The problem being that even if I felt
different about myself, those certain friends I began to think would never
see me or percieve me in any other way than as the person I was when I was 10
or 12 or 14.

    Ultimately I could not see myself the way I wanted to, as in being
more mature and worldly, if I was friends with the same people treating
me the same way they did before.  Maybe it was that they knew me too well,
had seen all my changes, so I actually felt less secure, like I had nothing
to hide!

   So I told myself that since we had fewer common experiences, they could
no longer understand *completely* where I was coming from.  And so I
found different friends, and it helped me maintain a different self-image
than what I grew up with.  But the sad thing is that with my new friends,
I didnt share a past, and at times I found myself misperceived or
misunderstood because they (my new friends) knew me at that moment, but
didnt know where I came from or how I got there.

    Eventually I realized that the person I had become was not all that
different than the person that I was, and that you can change many things
about who you are but you will always retain your essential self.  But
the sad thing is that I cant have those old friendships back the way they
were.....I can still be friendly with these people, but what we had as kids
is gone forever.

     Self-realization can be a lonely process sometimes.  I know  I may
never be friends with anyone who knew me as well as my old best friends did. I
have new friends who are very dear to me, but part of me is always shrouded
always hidden.  And that part is that which we can only show at certain
times in our life.  We are never quite as open or innocent again as we
were as kids, before the world beats into our heads that we are different.

    Anyway we all have regrets, and things we have to live with, and
choices we make.  Ultimately, I wouldnt trade my new friends for my
old friends.  But life can be sad sometimes..........RJW

90 responses total.

i understand what you mean about wanting to distance yourself form friends
becaue you feel that you have changed.  i find myself going through that a lot
right now.  i feel like when i go to college i will take no ties of friendship
with me and have to  stat over completely with new friends.   i realize that it
won't really be like that, but sonetimes i feel like that is how i should do
it...

  I think the point I was trying to make with this entry is that certain
things are going to happen inevitably as a result of growing up...but
one should never forget how important those old friendships are and
should never risk losing them if at all possible.  Because you'll regret
it soon enough, maybe not right away but you will.


   Friendships are too valuable.  *wink*

That is true.  Friends are more precious than air to breathe.

  In reading your original entry, I found myself transported back to the 
middle of my high school career. Your entry, Kerouac, brought up a lot of
things I have not thought about since I was a junior in high school. I think
your original entry has a lot of very healthy emotional realizations and I
find myself agreeing with most of it. However, I find myself at odds with
your reply to adania's remark. And so now, I find myself wanting to give my
own interpretation of friendship...
   Friends are what you wake up for. Friends are why you are who you are.
Friends are what make you who you are. Friends comfort us when life seems to
be too much for us. Friends are there when we trip ourselves and take a huge
fall. *phooey....help seeker...I will finish this...*  *pout*

Alright...sorry for the interruption...
   As I was saying...friends are nearly everything, because without them, life
would be a very boring place and not very amusing at all.
When we are young, we play with children who live close to us, and our idea
of the world is rather limited. These children grow up with us, and they share
the pain which adolescence brings. They understand perhaps why we are who we 
are. They witness first hand the very experiences which create us, mold us.
We spend our tiny lives riding bicycles to the drug store to get candy, and we
think all is right with the world. These friends know that the reason I am
afraid of ten speeds is because when I was seven years old, I got plowed by 
one and had to be rushed to the emergency room to get my leg sewn back together
and so they all realize the shock when grandma gives me a ten speed for my
eleventh birthday. 
   These same friends understand the courage it takes for me to ride this
bicycle, my feet barely reaching either pedals. These friends are the same
ones who stand next to me, holding onto that bike, making sure I don't fall to
either side, for fear I may bruise myself and never climb back onto that bike.
So Kerouac, you are right, these friends understand this fear, where a new kid
in the neighborhood might ride by on his own ten speed giggling and laughing
because he does not understand my fear. And this may upset me, and it may make
me angry for a bit, but some day that new kid will hear the story, and if he
is willing to understand, he will be my friend, and he will know me through
the story.
   Now these friends who are holding onto my bicycle...eventually they are
going to let go, and perhaps I may fall and teeter along, but eventually, I
will ride by myself to the end of the block. I will stop, and I will get off
of my bike, and I will wave and scream to my friends. But you know, they
understood I had to ride to the end of the block by myself. And they won't
begrudge me, and they will realize that they had something to do with this, and
they will know by the look on my face that I will never forget who kept me from
tipping over.
   Through this long and perhaps silly metaphor, I hope I have illustrated how
very important friendship is. I suppose my point is that time keeps flowing
and people come and go, and friendships sometimes fall away into dust. You have
to let them. If that is what is going to happen, often you cannot avoid it. And
it hurts, it hurts as if someone has taken a full set of knives and thrown them
through your soul. But part of being a friend is holding onto those memories,
because you know, as long as you remember, and your friends remember, that
person you are/were will live on, and so will your friendship.

Wow.  You totally hit the nail on the head.
That was just right.

  Well said Morgayn, but friendship is never or should never be one way, and
there are times when for whatever reason, the friendship becomes uneven.  By
this I mean that there are times when a friend may end up meaning more to you 
than you mean to that friend.  We all change and as part of changing, our need
change and we percieve people differently.  I never wanted to stop being
friends with my old friends, but a time came when I was convinced that those
friendships were less important to me than my new friendships.
  Having friends is never more important than whether you can be a friend in
the same way.  If you are in a position where you are taking more than you are
giving, you are not being a good friend.  This is when a friendship becomes
uneven, and thats when it starts to break.  
  There is nothing more painful than when you try so hard to be a friend to
someone, and realize that no matter how hard you try, you cant make that perso
value you in the exact same way.  Most relationships, whether friendships or
romantic, I think, tend to be uneven to some extent.  The ones with the best
balance are the ones that work.  We are all different people.  And the good fr
friends, the really good friends, accept the differences in the relationship
and draw strength from them.

Hmmm.... And how does the 'new kid' 'hear the story'
so that the new kid may understand?

I agree with you, Kerouac...however...we cannot begrudge people because their
feelings change. We cannot begrudge them for the way they feel and the way
they act. We can choose not to surround ourselves with them. Granted, this can
and most often is a painful decision, it is also something that, at times, must
be done.
  Odye...if the new kid is someone who needs to hear the story, they will
stick around and they will ask. ;)

Freindship is such a demanding thing.  It requires so much attention and
upkeep.  sometimes it doesn't seem worth it to try and be friendly and it might
just be easier to be a recluse.

*Morgayn hugglez Adania*
That is why friends are so special....they are worth it. :)

Yha.  Sometimes.

Most of the time...  Some times it gets rough, but its worth it in the end.
 :)  Right Melissa?  Sun?

Well, that's who your true friends are, the ones who are truly worth it. They
are worth the pain and agitation you go through to find out if they are worth
it.
Right, Anney. :)

Some friends are worth all the pain and inconvenience, but others are not.
It can be hard to decide who it is worth to keep as a friend and whom to drive
away form you.

Yes. Decisions like that are always painful. :(

I was just talking to a good freind of mine last night about this.
I and 4 friends have been friends since childhood, and still
are good friends, hang out, keep in touch, etc. We commented 
to each other that we thought everyone was like this, but not many 
people have maintained childhood friendships, we've discovered.

Anyone else hear still have childhood friendships that are active?

Sadly and with much regret, Odye, I must say that I do not.
*sigh*

Well, i do, but it has not been that long yet...
The longest friendship that I have has lasted all seventeen years of my life,
but we only see each other every few years since i was six.  She moved to
israel then.

I am jealous of you all because I wish I had one friend who I knew my entire
life. Bt alas, I do not. :(

I have a friend that I met when I was almost eight...  We're still
friends... ,ost of you know her- her login is sun... :)  

  This is a true story.  When I was a senior in college in georgia, I ran
into this girl on campus who was yelling at me from across a parking lot.  I
had never seen this girl before but she swore she recognized me.  Anyway
I asked from where she claimed to know me.  She said we went to school
together.  I said were you in one of my classes last year?  She said
no, we were classmates together in Virginia.
   Now I *knew* she was mistaken because I lived in Georgia, hadnt lived
in Virginia since I was seven years old.  "Dont you remember? We went
to kindegarten together"  Anyway, bizzarre as it sounds, a check of facts
showed we had IN FACT lived in the same small town in another state when
we were both five, and had IN FACT attended the same pre-school.  This girl
was one of those people who has a freakish photographic memory, and though
she obviously didnt remember my name, was quite certain of who I was.  .
    Its weird the things people remember sometimes.  You never know who
you might run into on the street.  Incidents like that one cause me to
think maybe we ARE all subject to fate.  I mean this girl wasnt even a
student at my school, she was visiting a friend on her way to somewhere
else and our being on the same parking lot at the same time was likely the
only time in our lives we would have ever crossed paths.  But we did...so
I wonder.....

  p.s. the girl called me some time later, and said she called the church
  that housed the kindegarten we went to, and had them check the records.
  The names were listed alphabetically, and ours were right next to each
 other on the class roll.  So we're friends now, seventeen years later.

ummmm...i think most of you know the meglynne...it hink that's enough
said....:)

Kerouac- That girl really isn't a rare occurance. I have the same kind of
memory. As a matter of fact, just the other day I was at the NAC, and one of
my friends pointed to a young gentleman and whispered in my ear, "He thinks 
he knows you..." To which I promptly replied of course and proceeded to tell 
the gy his name, where he sat in relation to me in class and what he was 
planning on doing with his life last time I saw him and his last words to me
before I moved away, five years ago.
    It is hard for me to walk p to people like that because most of the time,
I am the only one who remembers. *shrug*

I didn't have any school friends, so I doubly value my friendships now...

        An old friend and confidante of mine went away to Russia for the better
part of a year, last year.  A month or so before she came back, she wrote me
a postcard which expressed a lot of her fears - for no one had written to her
during her stay in Russia, and she was afraid that because she'd changed so
much that she wouldn't have a place with any of her old friends back in Ann
Arbor.  Ironically, the postcard arrived a few days before she came back. 
I guess I'd been a little freaked by the content, and by how much she'd said
she was hurt by those who didn't write to her - I did, but thanks to the
wonderful Russian postal system, it never arrived - because it was a week
before I could even read it.

        The week she came back I met her and a few mutual friends for dinner
at Cottage Inn.  The long and short of it was that none of her fears were
grounded, for few, if any, of her friendships were based on complimentary
dysfunctions or needs which could be quickly replaced.  While she and all of
her friends had grown up during that period, and had grown in different
directions, those directions had not taken them apart, and she quickly found
that, far from having nothing to talk about, everyone had so much catching
up to do.

        I've had a few experiences like that in my past, though nothing so
dramatic - I've gotten a lot closer with a father that was never really around
during my childhood except for during Battlestar Galactica re-runs and the
odd silent dinner or two, and found friends in people who were once enemies.
I guess Aesop would say that the moral of the story is that there's no such
thing as too late, and that if total strangers can become friends, then it
is surely possible for old friends to reacquaint themselves.  I'd just like
to say "where there is a smile, there is the possibility for forgiveness in
the human heart".

Well said, Jazz. :)

Thanks jazz for the positive reminder!

        Everyone should meet her, she's really a cool person, even if she does
own a few too many whips. :)

With high school friends, you have to learn to grow together and realize that
you are all changing.  Once you get past that, you may be able to retain the
friendship forever.  Otherwise you'll always talk to each other like 7th
graders.

Or never talk to them at all.

Exactly.Since I have left hometown (well,at least the town I attended school
in) and never went there again after graduating, I haven't spoken to any of my
classmates anymore (shrug). That's the way life goes , to put it corny, my
current best mates (and as far as I can see, for life) are the ones I met went
I went to university.

I am in touch with more college friends than high school friends too, although
there is one high school friend I am very in touch with :)

I've stayed in touch with friendsfrom high school (I' even business partners
with 2 of them) as well as college. My college friends are from the college
I went to near where I live. I spent some time a a college out of state as
well. I managed to satay in touch with some fo my friends from there, but
since we all lived around the country we slowly lost touch. It took years for
it to happen, but sadly it did. 
Friends that I've knonw longer have more 'durability' most of the time. There
a many people in my 'social circles' (myself included) who have gone away for
anywhere from months to years. Most of the time when they return (thos that
have) have come back into hte 'circlr' of freinds) with little to no
readjustment.

I just received an e-mail from somebody I hadn't heard from since high school.
I'm actually surprised that they traced me.  But I'm glad.  You gotta admit,
the internet makes things so much easier.

This is very true. :)  That's how I keep in touch with two of my
friends from high They both found my e-mail address, I'm not sure
how, and started writing me. :)  Makes me happy. :)

Same here. :)

I need to start writing a few people from High School and see if they are
still alive...I do it about once a year...

        Someone from my high school called (lord knows how they got my current
number) and asked me to speak on career day.  Apparently I have one of the
jucier careers of my graduating class.  Unfortunately, I don't really feel
comfortable telling high schoolers not to go to college, but to jump at
opportunities in the job market in expanding fields.

- Backtalk version 1.3.30 - Copyright 1996-2006, Jan Wolter and Steve Weiss