Since this is a conference about friendship, this might be a good place
to discuss how friendships can change because of time and distance.
Not long ago I ran into someone I had been friends with in high school
Now our lives have gone in different directions and we dont have that
much in common anymore.  At one time I would  never have thought we
would be any less close than we were.  The only thing I  thought had 
changed was that I moved away, but it was more than that.  We had
grown up and become different people, had different relationships,
and seen different rivers of water pass under our respective bridges.
We are still friendly but all we can talk about is the past because
neither of us has had the time to connect in the present.

A while back, after getting out of college, I made a conscious decision
to move out of my home state so I could seek new experiences
It is not anything that I regret doing, but there is a risk when any
life decision you make causes you to leave friends behind.  True friends
I guess can accept the choices you make and will remain true friends.
But time and distance changes things.  I suppose I would like to think
that when one makes a friend, the connections that caused the friendship
...the chemistry....will always be there.

Then I look in the mirror and say "geez, am *I* the one who has changed?"

Richard W. (Kerouac)

56 responses total.

Unfortunate as this can be, it happens.
We all change, and we often grow apart from our friends.
I find it tragic, because I don't think it's necessary.
I think it happens because people let it happen.
I mean honestly... if a friendship meant enough to you to keep
it from going the way of the wind wouldn't you do so?
Sometimes I think as much as we might wish we could keep
a friendship... sometimes it just won't be that way.
I'm not sure if it's ALWAYS a questionof 'letting' it
happen...
sometimes I think it's more of a question of not knowing how
to stop it from happening.
I might have more to say about this later, but for now
it's bugging me too much.

I think many people have shared this experience.  I have friends I went to
schhool with that I have lost touch with.  Some of these people meant very much
to me I also know people that I did not associate with in high school that have
proved to be very good friends.  Every closed door shuts off opportunities but
it also opens up new opportunities.  My friends over the years have given me so
much I can only hope that I was able to offer them as much as I have benefited
frm them.  I hold all of them in my heart.  I still feel it is sad when people
part though. 

i look bak on my high school friends, and realize that  i haven't changed a
bit, and that kinda makes me sad.  on the other hand,i have found a "new"
friend: i've known him for the past ten years....

I just lost my best friend in the world to emotions.
It hurts to bad to sum up in a few words.
Its bad though.
REAL BAD
She doesn't even say anything to me anymore.
She won't talk to me, she doesn't look at me. She knows I'm there.
Its bad and its not getting better.

I had a friend in high school who was like a brother to me.  we were very close
We ran cross country together.  we talked together and we offered each other
the support that our families did not.  There are many people who do not come
from happy families,  there were those in school who had overcome so much just
to stay in school.  Together we provided each other with the support and a
sense of belonging that many people get from their families.  I went away to
college. My best frinds father was an alcoholic and was seperated from his
mother.   One day his father got drunk and decided that he would end his life. 
He did not chose to do it in silence and alone.  He did it in the presense of
his son m, who was my best friend.  My family never told me about this when I
was in school and by the time I found out much time had passed.  I tried ter
this happened.  What I found was that he was changed by that horrible incedent.
 My friend from high school never let anyone very close after that.  I can
never imagine what he went through on that night.  All I could do was upport
and hope that knowing his friends cared would be of some comfort.  Two people
died that night.  My friends father and with him part of my best friend died. 
I try to keep in touch with him but we have lost touch over the years.


move into the present.  I know this may be depressing to read, but it helps to
put things in perspective sometimes.  I guess my point is life is what you make
it.  Think about decisions you make.  Even if we try we cannot  for the ones we
love.  That is hard for us.  But we can make the commitment to let them know we
always care.

That's really sad.  I hate anything that hurts my friendships, and I'm usually
pretty good at patching them back up after something happens.  I don't know
what time and distance will do, tho.  I'm hoping that e-mail and high long-
distance bills will be able to do what needs to be done.  

Zuber,
i am very sorry for your friend and you.  i know how that goes but not in that
tyoe of sense.  i meet a friend about two years ago and we wrote for about
a yearr but then we lost touch.  it hurt but i got over it.  I am
thankful for th etime we had together.  But the up side is that also
on this trip i meet another person.  We were not very close and i didn't
thinkwe would stay incontact but to my surprise we have to this day and
it will be two years in june since we last saw each other.  i would like to
saee her sometime in the next year bu that is not likely.  We have enen stayed
in contact while i am at college.  it has turned out to be one of the best
friendships i have.  when ever i getmarried i want her at teh service if at all
possible. well, i have gone on enough so  i will stop.

I am afraid that a similar problem is going to occure to me in the near
future.  This summer, the girl I love, we broke up but are still friends,
is going to be leaving in early June, and be gone all summer.  Before she
gets back, I will be leaving for college.  She will also be gone next
summer.  I will get to see her maybe on the three or so times I'm home
over the course of the school year.  I'm really afraid that the friendship
will end.  Does anyone have any advice?

E-mail?  A bad substitute for presence, but better than nothing...

She doesn't e-mail.  Hates it.

well, I haven't had my e-mail privledges for a while (6 months) but because
you all are SO important to em, I have had to snail mail people.  And they
are pretty good about snail mailng back.  I suppose it is how important is 
this person to you, and you to them.  (do I know who this is?  Is this who
I think it is?)  If you can find the time...no...MAKE the time to keep in
touch, and force yourself to keep the committment up, and to make yourself
write, and think about this person, and not get absorbed in your new life,
as in make time, but not obsess, then I do not think there would be a problem.

As for not seeing them, have faith, daniel, Dear.  I did.  And you all came to
visit me, when I didn't have a 'puter.  It meant so much to me.  you also
helped me move, and you have been a great guy.  if the people you care about
care for you as much as you care for the, then I do not thing you have to
worry.

Just have a little faith in your friends, and they will come through for you.

Part of being a friend is taking that risk....having that faith, that trust.
Part of being a friend is being willing to risk that, to step out on that
limb knowing you could take a fall.
   Friendship would not mean so very much if it were a simple walk in the park.

(several months later)
I have had many friendships peter out--some of them it was my fault, others
it was the other perion's--but we make choices and have to live with the
outcome. We may not realize the significance at the time. 
I had a friend who I had known since junior high school. She was always dating
someone and totally imersed herself into the relationship. She lost many
friends but she and I seemed to remain. I recognized the pattern and didn't
hold it against her when she won't contact me after several months. Sooner
or later she would, and then we would be friends again for awhile. But as of
last August I think our friendship is at an end. We exchanged Christmas cards
but she only signed her name to hers. Sometimes I wonder what she is up to
but she never really gave me the emotional support I often needed and now get
from my newer friends. It's sad, but looking back it was doomed from the start
because of the person she is.

It is always sad ewhen things end, ya know? But, such is life, a battle of
ever and never-ending things...
   I just recently ended a relationship which I will miss, but at the same
time I have begun a relationship I will cherish for as long as I can and
will always remember.
Life is funny that way, ya know?

Awhile back I started a whole new life thanks to an ex-boyfriend. I made all
new friends, joined a church, found a new apt, and got a new job. At the time,
I thought I was happy, but I didn't really have any true friends and I was
miserable in a house from he**. I don't miss anyone or anything from that past
life. It almost sounds like a born again experience but I am presbyterian and
will remain so. Actually the job came later, but I think it was my new outlook
on life that motivated me to come across the way I did in the interview.

i keep getting boyfriends that have all sorts of helpful suggestions to 
fix my life(which is not all that messed up).
It can easily get on my nerves, but thay are just trying to help.
My true friends only tender advice when I am obviously in need of it, or I
ask for it.
Of course, the advice that I ask for most often (What should I get to eat/
drink/for lunch?" Is never answered...
*sigh*

I have one friend who is very different from the rest of my friends. When I
had a backache, most of my friends would say empathic things like "hope you
feel better," whereas my unique friend says "you should have that check out,
it could be a pinched nerve." This isn't the first time she hasn't offered
the customary empathy. It's kind of unnerving to hear. She and I had a major
falling out when I was dating my last boyfriend. She really resented him and
that fact that I was spending time with him and not her, but she would never
admit this. Instead she would give me grief about not going to some event and
get other to give me grief too.

Hmmm...that friend sounds like an echo of myself from the past.
*Uneasy look towards Anne*
Anyhow, I think friends really can influence your outlook on life, and the way
you choose them can really have an impact on what you do with yourself.

What?  I didn't do it... ;)

I think sometimes that i am what my friends have made me, and not much else...

No, you're right, Anne, I was the moron in that particular  chain of events.
*grin*
Adania, sometimes I would agree with you, and I think the person I am
right now is a direct result of all my friends' friendly prodding...:)

I don't like my friends to prod me (usually).
I choose friends because they have something to offer.
Something I lack or offer something similar myself.
You don't always know exactly what that something is, 
but that's the beauty, the mysterious something that
attracts you to another person.
It takes time to figure out just what it is,
and sometimes you never find out.
But you always know that there is something.
That's why you can get in a huge fight with your best friend
about something you disagreee on (of couse that's how most fights start)
and still be there best friend.
That's why friends are so special... because they're there. Always.

*Melissa huggles Anne because she thinks the fighting is a good thing for
them to think about....because they will always be friends no matter what.*
*Melly huggles everyone*

Re #22's ending: I think fights with friends reveal "true" vs "fair weather"
types.  

I agree, it seems although fighting isn't much fun, it does work when 
weeding out people.

Fighting sucks all the time,
but you should never hold back what you feel,
no matter who that person is.

Well, I have to say that sometimes, it is better to try to control anger and
what you feel, especially when that person is important to you.

Fighting can sometimes be very detrimental to a relationship, no matter what
that relationship happens to be. *shrug* Take it from someone who knows.

I'm not saying you should jump all over your friend's shit
everytime you disagree.
Control yur anger, yes.
But I don't think you should ever hide what you feel.
Esspecially in the case of a boy/girl friend.
The more you hide your feelings, the easier it is to do so.
And before you know it, you hav no idea why you're with this person.
I mean, if the way you feel ends the relationship,
what's there to do. It's the way you feel, and maybe you shouldn't
have been with that person in the first place.

Perhaps. I also think it is very easy to take things out on someone,
especially when you get too used to telling them how you feel all the time.

I agree with fraizer. Honesty is very important, esp. in a relationship of
that kind. Of course, there is also tactfulness. There are ways to tell
someone you are not happy with their behavior, for example, without being
mean. And most people would want to know. Constructive criticism can be very
helpful. It's good to know how others perceive you, too.

Tactfulness ius something I quite often lack.

It's an acquired skill that has nothing to do with age. My dad who is now 64
has yet to master the skill. Unfortunately this skill is not taught
anywhere. Too bad! But then this is just one of many skills that has gone by
the wayside in the 20th century.

I feel I have plenty of tact you silly bitch
oops, bad example

it's all in the delivery.

        It's funny, but an experience about a year ago taught me more about
losing friendships than I ever would have imagined.  A series of catastrophies
hit me - I lost the place I was living, my car, my job, most of my friends,
and the woman I would've gladly married, all within the span of three days.
I guess it counts on life's resume as Real World 101.

        The only thing that bugs me is I would have dearly loved to have
retained the woman I was living with then as a friend ... she's a unique
individual in the rarest sense, someone who inspires deep friendships and more
than a few obsessions in everyone she meets, and I found out that she had
deeper qualities than most could have conceived of, dreams and thoughts she
shared with few.  We're talking now, but nowhere near close enough to discuss
what happened - which I still don't understand as anything more than what was
for me a great relationship being ruined by an inability to live together
under certain cramped circumstances - and it still bothers me.  I don't let
it affect my life, much.  If we're meant to be friends again, we will.

Wow, that's tough to lose all those things at the some time. She may still
come around--let her know that you really like her deeper qualities and
encourage them.

        I tip well, I figure that counts for something ... I just don't want
to be misread; I'm involved now, and happily.

as long as you don't tip well indescriminately... bad service never deserves
a good tip.
as for the other thing, you can still be her friend and by encouraging her
deeper qualities may help her to reveal them ot others.

I have also found that sometimes it is best to let go.
*Not to be the stomper of good thoughts, but I had to say it*

- Backtalk version 1.3.30 - Copyright 1996-2006, Jan Wolter and Steve Weiss