Here is the place to get out all those pent-up puns that everyone groans about.
Let loose!  The first subject here on Grex is:  Animals.  (The longest item
gets a prize.)

Griz

16 responses total.

Maybe a gnu topic would gener-ape more res-possums.

After almost a year, is it OK to change topics?  Mine isn't original, also
not too long; it's merely bilingual.  The (ostensible) topic is a vegetable.
The pun is all at the end, but some context is necessary.

  "... There was, for instance, the lady who wanted to buy a cauliflower.
      "'How much?', she asked the grocer.
      "Ninety cents,' was the answer.
      "'What?' She was outraged. 'Behold your cauliflower.  I can become
  cauliflower myself for forty cents around the corner.'"

(Hint: possibly this belongs in the German item.)

Once there was an older couple who were concerned that her daughter
was going to run off one night with some strange man.
     "I know!" the wife exclaimed.  "Let's feed her some melon!"
     "What difference would that make?" he asked.
     "Because then she canteloupe!"

  < G R O A N ! >

(#2 also may qualify as a mystery quote.)

Re #2:
That was a real quote, from Maria von Trapp.  :-)

Re #3:
I really did eat canteloupe on the morning of my wedding.

I guess it was too easy to be a mystery quote.  You are exactly right; I
had been going to wing it, but decided it was worth getting the exact words,
so I spent a few minutes finding the place.  I hoped someone would recognize
it, but that was pretty quick.

Actually, my favorite was "The ghost is willing, but the meat is soft."  :-)

<going over & finding the book again:>
     "Another incident happened to a priest friend of ours.  When he first
  arrived in this country, he went to a religious house.
     "The lay brother who showed him to his quarters asked:
     "'Is there anything else you would need, Father?'
     "'Well,', said Father thoughtfully, 'a set of new bowels every Saturday.
  Just hang them on the doorknob.'
     "The lay brother seemed so startled by this request, that Father had to
  point to a towel in his room to illustrate his wish."

But I think the reason I like the one I gave the best (& remember it, though
obviously I checked the book to get the quote exact) is that it is truly a
bilingual pun; the cognates are true cognates, etymologically related, but
the meaning is totally different.  (I pull this out & use it occasionally
when I encounter someone adducing etymology or cognates in related languages
as proving the meaning of something or other.  (It's evidence, & normally
good evidence, & sometimes the best available - say, in ancient languages
when the word in question doesn't survive in many places - but it's a long
way from proof.  But (for example) you can sure find people waxing dogmatic
about 'almah in Isaiah 7:14.)

Jennie's example, though, illustrates something else, normally less contro-
versial:  there's no 1:1 correspondence of words between languages, no
"single meaning" of a given word.  You can commonly give a gloss, but it's
not going to fit in every circumstance.

(Harrumph.  As soon as I imply that it's not controversial, I start
remembering counterexamples.  And, of course, "ghost" in Jennie's example
is cognate to "geist" ... )

Wow, someone else who understands what the word "cognate" *really* means.

Subject: International Flavour (fwd)                               
                                                                   
These are from the New York magazine competition where they asked  
competitors to change *one* letter in a familiar non-English phrase
and redefine it.                                                   
                                                                   
Harlez-vous francais?                                              
        (Can you drive a French motorcycle?)                       
Ex post fucto                                                      
        (Lost in the mail)                                         
Idios amigos                                                       
        (We're wild and crazy guys!)                               
Veni, VIPi, Vici                                                   
        (I came; I'm a very important person; I conquered)         
J'y suis, J'y pestes                                               
        (I can stay for the weekend)                               
Cogito Eggo sum                              
        (I think; therefore, I am a waffle)  
Rigor Morris                                 
        (The cat is dead)                    
Respondez s'il vous plaid                    
        (Honk if you're Scots)               
Que sera, serf                               
        (Life is feudal)                     
Le roi est mort. Jive le roi                 
        (The King is dead.  No kidding.)     
Posh mortem                                  
        (Death styles of the rich and famous)
Pro Bozo publico                             
        (Support your local clown)           
Monage a trois                               
        (I am three years old)               
Felix navidad                                
        (Our cat has a boat)                 
Haste cuisine                                
        (Fast French food)                   
Veni, vidi, vice                                                           
        (I came, I saw, I partied)                                         
Quip pro quo                                                               
        (A fast retort)                                                    
Aloha oy!                                                                  
        (Love; greetings; farewell; from such a pain you should never know)
Mazel ton!                                   
        (Lots of luck)                       
Apres Moe, le deluge                         
        (Larry and Curly get wet)            
Porte-Kochere                                
        (Sacramental wine)                   
Iic liebe rich                               
        (I'm really crazy about having dough)
Fui generis                                  
        (What's mine is mine)                
VISA la France                               
        (Don't leave chateau without it)     
Ca va sans dirt                              
        (And that's not gossip)              
Merci rien                        
        (Thanks for nothin')      
Amicus puriae                     
        (Platonic friend)         
L'etat, c'est moo                 
        (I'm bossy around here)   
L'etat, c'est Moe                 
        (All the world's a stooge)

Assorted Puns

An Indian Success Story

Old Chief Gnarled Oak, was turned into a millionaire by the
discovery of oil on his reservation. He fell into the yuppie
temptation, and he was particularly proud and pleased when
his two boys were accepted into the swanky yacht club. 
For years, it seemed, his one consuming ambition was to see ...
his red sons in the sail set. (By Bennett Cerf)

The Panhandler

A panhandler was caught trying to sneak aboard a Princess liner
about to embark on a three-day trip to the Bahamas. 
He was caught by the Purser who threw him off the ship telling him, ... 
"Beggars can't be cruisers."

The General's Funeral

The famous general died and his ashes were to be taken to Arlington
National Cemetery. All the air lines were booked and there were no
other planes available. Someone came up with the idea of using a
helicopter. It arrived at 5:00 A.M. The  newspapers reported the
incident with the headlines, ... "The Whirly Bird Gets The Urn"

Starlet

Then there was the young female comic who was promised good
roles in a hit TV show. All she had to do was divide her favors
between the star and the producer. It was just a sham though,
she never got any air time at all. You might even say she was
... shared skit less.

The Tilde

As has been pointed out, that "~" thing is called a "tilde." 
Walt Whitman was one of the most avid advocates of it's usage, and until
his death he devoted untold hours making others aware of it's
potential. So today, as I use that little button on the upper left of
my keyboard, I often feel like ... Walt's in my tilde.

Indecision

The confused young man couldn't decide whether to marry Kathryn or Edith.
Try as he might, he just could not make up his mind. 
Unwilling to give up either, he strung them along for far too long. 
This indecision continued until both young women got tired of the situation
and left him for good. Moral of the story: ... 
You can't have your Kate and Edith, too. (By Bennett Cerf)

The Lawyer

A New York lawyer sent gifts to many of his clients. The gifts were
sleeves of golf balls, suitably inscribed with the donor lawyer's name.
One of the recipients sent an e-mail of thanks back to the lawyer saying, ...
"That's the first time I've ever had a lawyer buy the balls."

Evil Genealogy

And, I can always go for a little idle worship. In fact, one of my
favorite grade school Show & Tell projects involved me kidnapping my
sister's vast Barbie doll collection, dressing them as various pagan
goddesses, and hanging them on the elm out front. Instead of the usual
Trinity, this work showed the entire family history of  The Maiden,
The Mother, and The Crone. Clearly, ...  it was a dolly-tree.

Quasimodo

As Quasimodo was taking off for the Bell Ringers' Olympics, he tried
to cram the great bell of Notre Dame into the overhead compartment.
"I'm sorry," said the flight attendant,  ... 
"That's only for carillon luggage."

New Coin

A spokesperson for the U.S. Mint announced that a new fifty-cent piece was
being issued to honor two great American patriots. On one side of the coin
would be Theodore Roosevelt, on the other, Nathan Hale. Asked why two people
were going to be on the same coin, the official replied, ... 
"Now, when you have a coin toss, you can simply call "Teds, or Hales!"

Moonlighting

Two contestants on a TV game show were in the final round. Mr. Cohn
was way ahead of Mr. Schine, but just as the buzzer was rung, Schine
slipped ahead, and won! When asked what prize he wanted, Mr. Schine
stated that he wanted a horse. The game show host asked why, and was
told, "I want a horse so I can name it 'Harvest Moon.'" Then, I can
have a portrait painted, and call it ... "Schine on Harvest Moon."

The Wedding Gift

A female snake charmer was wooed by an undertaker and accepted his offer
of marriage. They received many gifts at the wedding but their favorite 
was a set of towels embroidered with the words ... "hiss and hearse".

The Coal Miner

A news item this morning was about a local coal miner. It seems that
his avocation was painting, but since he couldn't afford to buy
canvasses he simply painted on the wall of his small cottage.
Unfortunately, a gang of youths broke into his cottage earlier this
week and defaced his paintings. Yesterday the young miscreants were
charged in court with having ... "corrupted the murals of a miner."

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller.  He can see from her 
nameplate that the teller's name is Patricia Whack.  So he says, 
"Ms. Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation."

She looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow.

The frog says $30,000.

The teller asks his name and the frog says that his name is Kermit Jagger 
and that it's OK, he knows th bank manager.  Ms.  Whack explains that $30,000
is a substantial amount of money and that he will need to secure some 
collateral agains the loan.

The frog says, "Sure, I have this," and produces a tiny pink porcelain
elephant, about half an inch tall.  Bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, the teller explains that she'll have to consult the manager
and disappears into a back office.  She finds the manager and says: 
"There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and
wants to borrow $30,000.  And he wants to use this as collateral."  
She holds up the tiny pink elephant.  "I mean, what the heck is this?"  

So the bank manager looks back at her and says: "It's a knick knack,
Patti Whack.  Give the frog a loan.  His old man's a Rolling Stone."

Puns of the Weak 11-25-99

*Welfare rolls are often kneady people who loaf on taxpayers' dough
(Gary Hallock)

*Where do farmers sit to milk cows? On one side or the udder 
(Cynthia MacGregor)

*His very generous gift to the bread bank could have been called 
a doughnation. It was because the bread bank kneaded it more than he did. 
(Norman Gilbert)

*Opera music goes in one aria and out the other. (Jim Ertner).

*Is a Rabbi rehearsing his sermon practicing what he preaches?
(Barbara Goldenhersh)

*The play about old Roman drunkard, "Tight As Andronicus? (Lars Hanson)

*Asked the patient to the eye-doctor, "Will the operation be completed
successfully?" The reply: "Don't worry, you won't be able to see the
difference." (Chalapathi Rao Poduri)

*"Personal House Construction" by Bill Jerome Home

*A flower shop displayed a variety of chrysanthemums available in
either large or small pots. Those in large pots were advertised as
"Maxi-mums, the small ones "Mini-mums. ("Cy Shimamoto)

*"Detective's Casebook"  by Miss Terry Stawries (Cynthia MacGregor)

*"At auctions I always end up buying what I want," Tom stated morbidly
(P. C. Swanson)

*Maternity Dressmaker: A mother frocker. (Original Sin)

*Gable: A male bovine that is attracted to other male bovines (Jay Christie)

*The barber's will ended up "splitting heirs." (Jumble)

*The banker fell overboard from a friend's sailboat. The friend
grabbed a life preserver, held it up, not knowing if the banker could
swim, and shouted, "Can you float alone?" "Obviously," the banker
replied, "but this is a heck of a time to talk business."

*If you must trip her, The vaudeville banana skin Makes a good slipper. 
(John S. Crosbie)

*I remember a story about a man who developed a phone that didn't ring,
and was awarded the no-bell prize. (Scott Ryan)

*She's a real pre-Madonna. (Richard Lederer)

*What do you think my English teacher means when she says that my
marks are underwater? She means that your grades are below C-level.
(Louis Phillips)

*An abortion in Prague is a cancelled Czech. (Bret Allen)

*Ms. Dwyer has been raising birds for many years and is credited with
having the largest parateets in the state. (Richard Lederer)

*A guy who wanted to stop eating poultry quit cold turkey.

*The professor's one remark on the essay was,"Thesis awful" (Norman Gilbert).

*Locomotive: A crazy reason for doing anything. (Original Sin)

*To get to the top of Music Mountain, you,ve got to start at the bass
of the cleff. (The International Save the Pun Foundation):

*What do you get if you cross a pigeon with a frog? Pigeon toad (Gary Hallock)

*Deja Moo: The feeling you've heard this BULL before (Rodney and Cathy)

*Cole Porter's Knight and Day was Joust One of Those Things. (Norman Gilbert)

*The Pillsbury Doughboy tried to get Santa's village, in Alaska, 
to secede from the United States. He wanted to make a dough nation for a
worthy Claus (Gary Davis)

*Writing these is easy. You jest put pun to paper. (Alan F. G. Lewis)

*"I think Elizabeth would make a good president but I don't think she
has a chance to win," Tom said dolefully. (P. C. Swanson)

*"Pain Relief" by Ann L. Gesik (Stan Kegel)

*Oratory: Part of a question to George Washington in his early years:
"Are you a revolutionary oraTory?" (Cynthia MacGregor)

*Pollytheism: The Belief That God Is A Parrot (Dave Coble).

*A policeman bought a house with a yard that was in terrible shape
with weeds, rocks and junk everywhere. But in no time he had it
healthy, green and beautifully manicured. His neighbors got together
and cited him for restoring lawn order

*Those who can't dismember the repast are condemned to reheat it 
(A Thanksgiving thought from S. Minanel)

*Why did the cows cheer when the slaughterhouse burned? They had a
real steak in the outcome (Cynthia MacGregor)

*D'ja hear about the midget prostitute with an inferiority complex?
She was always selling herself short. (Julia Drew Watt)

*186,000 miles/sec: Not just a good idea, it's the LAW!

*A dog owner in Dallas had a pit bull that hated to walk. He kept
sitting down and bracing his feet so that his owner would have to drag
him by his leash. The owner finally gave up when he realized that he
was creating a bottomless pit! (Barbara Bakie)

*It costs a nominal leg. (Richard Lederer)

*A spider came down from the trees Scared Muffet, and made her heart
freeze "Whey to go, little friend, Curd you do that again? You've
startled my milk into cheese! (Clynch Varnadore)

*What do you call it when cows do battle in outer space? Steer Wars
(Michelle's Joke List)
*Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, 
and suffering.

*"I won't let a flat tire get me down," Tom said without despair.

*Another Thankgiving Double Entendre: "Hey, wanna neck?" (Karen Hamilton)

*"Nuclear Explosives" by Adam Baum (By Stan Kegel)

*"That car you sold me has defective steering!" Tom said straightforwardly.

*Turkey and Chile have just received most flavored nation status

 < Y A W N >

Ramesh, this is not a bulletin *bored* system...

Response not possible - You must register and login before posting.

- Backtalk version 1.3.30 - Copyright 1996-2006, Jan Wolter and Steve Weiss