I found the following on a website and fun them to be funny [so far, I
haven't read  them all the way through yet]...  Do you have any other
stories to add?  :-)


"May be combined with other offers. . . . Not valid with any other
offer." -- On a Papa  John's coupon. See a scanned image.


Menus:


"Ham and Cheese - $2.50. Cheese and Ham - $2.90." -- On a menu.

"Our whipped butter is made with margarine." -- On a menu.

"7 ounces of choice sirloin steak, boiled to your likeness and smothered
with golden  fried onion rings." -- On a menu.

"We dare you Burger for two (Served on a Stretcher) - A Whole Loaf of
Crunchy French  Bread running end to end with Broiled Hamburger topped
with melted Yellow American  Cheese, Lettuce, and Tomato. Accompanied by
a mound of French Fried Potatoes, Red  Pepper Relish, Ketchup, and
Pickle Wedges. Delivered to your Table by Two Waitresses  on a
stretcher." -- On a menu of a restaurant in Danvers, Massachusetts.


Signs:


"Open seven days a week. Closed Sundays." -- On the bottom of a pizza
parlor's take- out menu.

"Parking for drive-through customers only." -- A sign at a McDonald's in
California.

"We are Handicapped - Friendly. For example, if you are blind, we will
read the menu  for you." -- A notice in a restaurant.

"Eat Here - Get Gas" -- A sign at a gas station.

"Hot drinks to take out or sit in." -- A sign on a cafe.

"You can't beat our meat!" -- A sign on a restaurant, now closed.

"Our Infamous Steaks" -- A sign at a restaurant in Raleigh, NC.

"Now Hiring / Sausage Biscuits / $1" -- A sign at a McDonald's.

"NOW HIRING / TWO FRENCH DIPS / FOR TWO DOLLARS." -- A sign at an Arby's
in  North Bend, Washington.

"Please consume all food on premises." -- A sign at a Souplantation
restaurant.


Quotes:

In the mood for fine dining? Browse San Diego restaurants on Discover
San Diego.


"Is there chicken in your vegetarian gumbo?" -- Asked of a waitress.

"Just the chicken." -- The response a waitress gave when asked if there
were any dairy  products in a soup.

"Would you like cream and sugar with that?" -- Asked by a waitress when
a customer  specified orange juice instead of coffee as part of a
breakfast meal.

"Do you want cheese on that?" -- Asked when a customer ordered a plain 
cheeseburger.

"You want fries with that?" -- Asked when a customer ordered an apple
turnover.

"Do you want onions on that?" -- A waitress, in response to a couple
ordering a milk  shake and a large cola.

"Is there any meat in the veggie rolls?"

"Do you get rice with your fried rice?"

"I'm sorry, we only have six inch and foot long subs." -- A waitress,
when asked for a  12 inch sub.

"Would you like to care for a cup of coffee?" -- A waitress.

"Which of these coffees did you want with cream and sugar?" -- Asked of
a customer  who had ordered two coffees, one with cream and sugar and
one without.

"Do you want that in a bag?" -- Asked of a customer who ordered coffee
to go.

"Is this for here or to go?" -- Asked of a Dairy Queen customer at a
drive-through  window.

"What's the difference between the 1/4 pounder and the 1/3 pounder?"

"What's the difference?" -- Asked of a waitress when asked if the
customer would like  breadsticks with or without cheese.

"Sir, we only have one thousand island dressing." -- A waitress, when
asked for two  thousand island dressings.

"How many pieces are in the eight piece chicken deal?"

"How much is the $1.99 popcorn chicken?"

"Is the honey mustard sauce sweet?"

"Is the spicy chicken just spicy or is it hot and spicy?"

"Would you like the sale price?" -- A fast food worker, asking how a
customer would  like to pay for his order of two special sandwiches.

"That's not an animal. It's a mammal." -- Cafeteria worker serving
shrimp at a public  high school.

"Does your ice cream contain dairy products?" -- A customer at the
drive-through of a  fast food restaurant.

"Excuse me. These ham and cheese rolls -- do they have ham in them?" --
A customer  at a bakery cafe.

"Don't you guys have them 99 cent Whoppers?" -- Asked of a Taco Bell
cashier.

"This is to go." -- Commonly said by customers at drive-through windows.

"I'd like a large Pepsi pizza." -- A customer ordering pizza over the
phone. After saying  this, the customer was heard saying to someone else
with him, "Wait, Chuck, is that  right?"


Restaurant Anecdotes:

I am English and drink hot tea as opposed to coffee. My husband and I
visited a fast  food restaurant in America, and I asked a waitress if
they had any hot tea.


Me: "Do you have hot tea?"
Her: "Well, it is not very warm...but...."
Me: "No I mean do you have hot water and a tea bag?"
Her: "Yes."
Me: "So you can make me hot tea."
Her: "Well I can put a cup of iced tea in the microwave for you."
Me: "No, just give me a cup of hot water and a tea bag, and I will make
my own." Her: "Do you want ice in the cup?" Once when I went to
McDonald's, I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6,  9 or
12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets.

"We don't have half dozen nuggets," said the teenager at the counter.

"You don't?" I replied.

"We only have six, nine, or twelve," was the reply.

"So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?"

"That's right."

So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets.

While ordering Chinese food to be delivered, I asked, as a joke, if the
deep fried  gizzards were beef or pork. The lady on the other end had me
wait while she looked it  up, but couldn't find it. She then asked
several other employees, none of whom knew.

I overheard the following conversation at a Friendly's restaurant:


Girl: "Boy, I'm really parched."
Boy: "Yeah, I'm full too!"
A pizza-and-sub takeout recently opened near me. When I got the menu, I
decided that  I would try the hamburger sub that was listed, so I
called.


Me: "I'd like to place an order for pickup."
Him: "Certainly, sir. What would you like to have?"
Me: "I'd like the hamburger sub, please."
Him: "Excuse me, the HAMburger sub?"
Me: "Yes."
Him: "I'm sorry, but we don't have HAMburger."
Me: "It's right here on the menu."
Him: "We don't have HAMburger."
This went on a few times, until finally I asked for a cheeseburger sub
without the  cheese. He was happy to sell me that.

I used to work at an Arby's. In the two years I worked there, the
dumbest customer by  far has been one that apparently never succeeded at
first grade math.


Me: "That will be $12.69, please."
Him: "Ok. Here you go."
He handed me a $10 bill. Thinking that this was just a mistake, that
maybe he meant to  give me a $20, I said:


Me: "This is a $10 bill."
Him: "Yeah, I know."
Me: "The total is $12.69."
Him: "I gave you a 10. That's enough."
Me: "I need $2.69 more. The total is $12.69."
Him: (annoyed) "It's all there! I gave you a 10!"
Me: "No. I need $2.69 more."
Him: "I gave you a 10!"
Me: "I know. The total is $12.69! I need another $2.69!"
This situation kept on going for a good four or five minutes, when
something really  wrong happened. I just had him on the verge of giving
me a $50 bill, when a manager  changed the price to make it less than
$10. After I told the customer that, he said:


Him: "Darn kids don't know how to do math these days."
I suppose the moral of the story is act dumb, even if you aren't, and
rewards will  follow.

One day, this lady brought in an Arby-Q sandwich because she didn't like
it and she  wanted her money back. That would be fine if it weren't for
the fact that my Arby's  stopped selling those a month ago, and that the
sandwich was black and moldy. It was  one of the grossest things I have
ever seen in my life.


Me: "I'd like a small coffee shake and nothing else."
Clerk: "Anything else?"
Me: "Uh...a cup?"

This happened at a local fried chicken shack.


Customer: "I'll have a half dozen chicken nuggets."
Waitress: "I'm sorry, we don't have a half dozen. You can only order
six, nine, or  twelve." Customer: "Well, ok, I'll have six then." This
has happened to me with two different people now.

I had a craving for french fries one day, so I pulled up to the
drive-thru of McDonald's.


Me: "I'd like a large french fries please."
Clerk: "Would you like fries with that?"
I got sort of confused at this one and told him no. He told me to pull
ahead, so I did,  and then he asked me why I was sitting there.


Clerk: "I thought you didn't want fries."
Me: "No, I ordered a large french fries."
Clerk: "Ok. Do you want fries with that?"
Since saying no the last time had gotten me nothing, I figured I'd
better say yes this  time.

He gave me two large fries.

I went to a McDonald's in New York. My girlfriend and I didn't know what
we wanted  ahead of time, but when we got there we saw a sign for a
special: "2 Big Macs, 2 large  fries, and 2 drinks for $7.99."


Me: "Can I have the 2 Big Macs, 2 large fries special?"
Clerk: "Excuse me?"
Me: "Can I have the special on the sign up there?" (pointing to the
sign) Clerk: "What special?" Me: "The 2 Big Macs special." Clerk:
"That's not a special. You just order 2 Big Macs and 2 fries and 2
drinks." Me: "Will it cost $7.99?" Clerk: "I don't know. Let me see."
She rung up the order, and it came to around $12.


Clerk: "That is how much it costs."
Me: "Then why does the sign say $7.99?"
Clerk: "I don't know what you are talking about."
Me: "The sign up there." (pointing to the sign again)
Clerk: "Let me get the manager."
The manager came over, and I was convinced I would be eating shortly.


Manager: "Can I help you?"
Me: "I just want to order the special that it see on the sign up there."
Manager: "There is no special at this time."
Me: "Then why does the sign say there is?"
Manager: "I don't know about that, but you can order two value meals and
get the  same thing." Me: "But that will cost more than $7.99." Manager:
"That's right." Me: "But what I want is what is on the sign up there."
(pointing to the sign again) The manager read the sign out loud, very
slowly.


Manager: "The sign is wrong."
Me: "Well, if you are the manager, why don't you take it down?"
Manager: (angrily) "Excuse me?"
Me: "You are the manager, and you have signs in here that are wrong. You
should take  them down." Manager: "Sir, why don't you leave my store."
Me: "What?" Manager: "Leave my store before something happens." Me:
"What is going to happen?" Manager: "Just get out of here." We left,
walked about five blocks to the next McDonald's. I ordered the same
special  without a problem.

When I was in college, a couple of my friends and I went to a small town
restaurant for  a bite to eat one evening. I was in the mood for a ham
and cheese omelette. Looking at  the menu, there was a ham omelette
listed and a cheese omelette listed, but no  combination. So when the
waitress came for the order, I asked about the combination.


Me: "I'd like a ham AND cheese omelette, please."
Her: "I...don't know. I'll have to ask the chef."
Me: "Uh...ok."
She left and returned a minute later.


Her: "The chef says he'll have to put eggs in it to hold it together!"
Me: (blank stare) "...Well, if he HAS to put eggs in it, that'll be ok!"
I used to work at a Subway restaurant, and I found this happening quite
often:


Me: "How can I help you?"
Customer: "I'd like a Club with everything."
So I start putting cheese on the bread.


Customer: "No cheese."
Me: "Ok."
So I start putting vegetables on the bread.


Customer: "No lettuce or pickles."
Me: "Ok."
Customer: "No olives."
Me: "Everything, right?"
Customer: "Yes."
Me: "Everything?"
Customer: "Everything."
Me: "Ok."
Whenever I go to my local Subway, I find I constantly get either
ingredients on my sub  I didn't ask for, or a sub missing some
ingredients I did ask for. I'm not that picky, so  one day when I was in
a rush I asked for a 6-inch meat-lovers with everything.


Clerk: "Do you want lettuce?"
Me: "Yeah, everything please."
Clerk: "Cheese?"
Me: "Yes, just put everything on it please."
Clerk: "Pickles?"
Me: "Yes, everything, the works, please."
This went on for every ingredient, getting more annoying with each step,
until we  reached the salt and pepper.

Clerk: "Salt?"
Me: (wanting to get going) "No, that's ok."
Salt goes on anyway.


Clerk: "Pepper?"
Me: "Yeah."
No pepper.

Finally the sub's rung up, and I rush out of the store. Half an hour
later, start eating the  sub and notice there's no meat on my meat-lover
sub.

The scene is a mostly takeout sandwich shop kind of like Subway. Your
order is taken  at the counter, and the sandwich is made while you
watch. It is difficult for an order to  get messed up unless neither
party is paying attention. While I admit that from time to  time I
mumble, and, having been raised in the South, my drawl is not
understandable  by some, I generally have no trouble communicating with
the vast majority of people  that I speak with.

So you can imagine my surprise and consternation when, one afternoon:


Me: "I'd like a plain number three, white, end piece preferred, no
cheese. And BBQ  chips. To go." Clerk: (grabs a wheat roll) "Number
three?" Me: "Yeah. Plain." Clerk: (holding a wheat roll) "What size?"
Me: "That's on white, please. Large." Clerk: (cutting off a small piece
of the wheat roll) "Ok." Me: "Uhhh...I want that on white. End piece if
you got it. And a large." Clerk: "Oh...yeah...sorry. What size?" Me:
"Large." Clerk: (grabbing a white roll -- with an uncut end still
attached) "Ok." Me: "End piece is preferred." Clerk: (cutting off a
small piece from the roll which is just barely long enough to qualify 
for a large sandwich, resulting in two pieces of the roll: a small-sized
piece and a piece  that is only about half as long as the small size
although it is the end piece of the  original whole roll) "Hmm." Me:
"That's large, please. Large." Clerk: "Huh?" Me: "I want a large number
three." Clerk: "Oh...yeah...sorry." (looks at the two pieces of bread on
the counter in front of  him, confused) "You said you wanted an end
piece?" Me: "Yeah. End piece is OK. Not required. Picky teenage
daughter." Clerk: (horizontally slices the smaller-than-small-sized
piece of white roll -- the piece  that has the end on it) "Ok." Me: "Uh.
Excuse me. I want a large number three." Clerk: "I thought you wanted
the end piece." Me: "I want a large number three. Plain. The end piece
is OK, but it is not required." Clerk: (continues to make the sandwich
on the less-than-small-sized end piece) "Ok." Me: "Uh. Excuse me again.
That's a large number three, please." Clerk: "I thought you wanted the
end piece." Me: "I want a large number three, plain. Forget about the
end piece, OK?" Clerk: "What do I do with this?" Me: "What do you do
with what?" Clerk: "What do I do with this end piece?" Me: "Push it
aside. Get a fresh roll of white bread, OK? I want a LARGE number
three." Clerk: "Oh...yeah." Me: "Picky teenage daughter. She has to have
a large, plain sandwich." Clerk: (cuts off a large sized piece from a
fresh, whole white roll) "That's a large,  right?" Me: "Yes. Large. You
got it." Clerk: "Number three?" Me: "Yeah. Plain." Clerk: "What kind of
cheese?" Me: "That's plain." Clerk: "What kind of cheese do you want on
it?" Me: "I want it plain, please." Clerk: "What is that?" Me: "What is
what?" Clerk: "What is plain?" Me: "I want a large number three, plain."
Clerk: "What do you mean, plain?" Me: "Yes, plain." Clerk: "What do you
mean, plain?" Me: "Just a number three. Plain. Absolutely plain." Clerk:
"I dunno know what you mean." Me: "I want a large number three,
absolutely plain." Clerk: "I don't think we have that." Me: "You can't
make a plain sandwich? I order them here all the time!" Clerk: "What do
you mean, plain? We don't have plains." Note that, at this point, the
other customers at the counter are visibly amused, one  even chuckling
out loud. I look at them, and get "What a moron!" looks from them, so I 
know it's not just me. The other clerks appear curious about why a
customer is raising  his voice, but they still appear unaware that
anything odd is going on.


Me: "I want a LARGE number THREE, absolutely PLAIN. Can you make one of
those for  me?" Clerk: (visibly irritated) "I dunno. What do you mean,
plain?" Me: "PLAIN! Nothing on it!" Clerk: "Nothing? Just the bread?"
Me: "No. Just a plain number three. Nothing on it at all. No--" Clerk:
(interrupting) "What kind of cheese?" Me: "No cheese at all! Plain!"
Clerk: (walks away from his station and talks to the manager) "I can't
do this." Manager: "What's wrong?" Clerk: "He won't tell me what kind of
cheese he wants." Me: "Can I speak to a manager?" Manager: "Is there a
problem?" Me: "I'm just trying to get a sandwich made." Clerk: "He keeps
talking about some kind of airplane or something." Manager: "Airplane?
What's his order?" Clerk: "A large number three airplane...or plane...I
dunno what he wants me to do." Manager: "What did you order?" Me: "I'd
like a number three, plain, on white, preferrably an end piece...no
cheese.  BBQ potato chips. To go." Manager: "What was the problem?" Me:
"I have no idea, but it appears from what he said to you that he doesn't
know what  the word 'plain' means." Manager: "Well, we'll get you taken
care of." When I get out to the car, my wife and daughter are curious
why it took so long. They  are the first to hear the story but not the
last.

14 responses total.

tl;dr

Huh?

Too long; didn't read

Ah, ok...  It may seem long but it IS an easy [and quick] read,
though... Not like a lot of  postings I read in other conferences...

Sausages are vegetables and other anecdotes about vegetarian diet

"Another day, another conference, this time a very formal one, with
people seated around  the table and servants handing us our portions on
silver plates. When it was my turn, I  politely declined the offer of
smoked salmon and asked for a special vegetarian option,  which I had
made a point of ordering beforehand. The waiter's face was perplexed.
'Miss,  it seems we have no vegetarian options prepared. Would you like
roast duck instead?'

Playing with Food

In 2002, Jorg Piringer's new Vienna Vegetable Orchestra, comprising
between 10 and 20  players, began performing on instruments made from
carved-out carrots, aubergines,  pumpkins, and other vegetables.
Piringer's instrument? A "gurkaphone" horn made from a  hollowed-out
cucumber, a bell-pepper bell and a carrot reed.

[After each performance, the vegetable instruments (which took several
hours to make)  were thrown into a large pot of soup or stew for the
musicians and audience to "enjoy a  second time."]

re: "Me: "I'd like a large french fries please."
Clerk: "Would you like fries with that?"
I got sort of confused at this one and told him no. He told me to pull
ahead, so I did,  and then he asked me why I was sitting there."

On my recent road trip home from Nova Scotia, my friends and I passed
through Quebec. We ended up at this little fast food type restaurant
that had burgers and fries and things ordered from a window. Oddly,
"French Fries" and "Hamburger" were in English but everything else was
in French. One of the items on the menu was "Poutine" which I remembered
from some conversations here on grex is French Fries with cheese and
gravy. One of my friends, Friend Two, has been listening to those Learn
French tapes for the past couple of weeks. So the conversation goes
something like this.

Friend One: I wonder what "poutine" is
Friend Two: It is chicken
Me: I dont think so. I think it is french fries with brown gravy
Friend One: But they have French Fries on the menu
Friend Two: I am pretty sure it is chicken

Friend One ordered his poutine with a side of fries. 

Me: Man, I cant believe that waitress just let you order French Fries
with a side of French Fries.

My friend liked the poutine as it turned out but agreed that he had
*way* too many french fries. 

But did the friend's french fries come with brown gravy and cheese?

Well, the order of poutine did.

At the fast food stands I saw in Quebec you could get the fries with several
different toppings, such as spaghetti sauce.

I've had fries w/cheese but don't recall having anything else w/them
[other than the  standard saltseasonings or ketchup.

My favorite is with curry sauce.  I love chips and curry.

There's a Chinese restaurant in Ann Arbor -- it's either Gourmet Garden
or Szechuan West -- which has the following on their take-out menu:

Bean Curd in Ear-Then Pot

Gourmet Garden.

Gary and I used to laugh about it all the time.

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