I've just recently rejoined Grex and this is my first posting to this bbs
despite all the reading I've done on it, so bear with me.  

I have a 4 1/2 month old son and I keep finding myself glad to put him down
to play by himself so that I have some time to myself for chores, etc, but
at the same time I feel guilty about not playing with him all that much.  I
feel guilty, but at this age, although they're fascinating at times, they can
be rather boring (for lack of a better word) to try and ammuse for to long
a time.  Despite this quilt, I know that I'm doing "ok" since he's still ahead
of the game developmentally for the most part.  Any suggestions for activities
that are fun for both mom and son, or for finding the happy medium in activity
and dealing with guilt?

I have other questions too, but I'll post them later as separate posts to keep
the thread a little more coherent, esp. since this conf. loses focus so
easily.

Oh..thanks to kami for recommending this conf.  I've found alot of the issues
posted informative even if there aren't nearly as many as I had expected to
see.

-Jackie

18 responses total.

Congratulations on your son and for honest about needing
some personal space.  That was the hardest part for me.
I don't know what THE right answer is to finding such
time but I know what worked for me.  I got out and did
what I would have normally done but with my son in tow.
I didn't find time one on one all that interesting with
someone under four either.  So he went for long walks,
to museums, to restaurants, to libraries, shopping,
watching airplanes land at the airport, picking strawberries,
etc.  It worked.  I didn't feel like a shut-in.  He got
a lot of stimulation.

Are you presently working outside the home?  That will
be helpful too.  For both you and your son.

This depends on your child ...  I spent very little time playing with mine
as such.  The older one was a happy watcher, he really enjoyed sitting in his
cradle bouncer and watching me wash dishec; when weather was appropriate I
would often put him down on a blanket on the floor, with a few toys at hand
in case, and he would amuse himself for a while.  (Our floor was pretty cold
in winter)  The younger one was more fussy, but also smaller, and I had a
comfortable baby sling then, so I carried him around a lot.  Each one of them
survived a certain amount of boredom, and it doesn't seem to have hurt them.
Some children are much more active, and such parenting-by-neglect could be
dangerous if you look back to find Junior chewing on the lamp cord or some
such.

In general, though, probably a baby that young will be just as content to be
living a life centered on what *you* want to do as on what you think *he*
wants to do -- and you'll get along with each other better that way.

Well, as someone who did find infants fascinating and good company (sorry,
I did -- but I'm pretty low energy so I found the toddler/preschooler stage
a real trial.  It all balances out) I can suggest a few things that *I*
enjoyed and you might give them a try.  Maybe they'll be dull as dust.  maybe
not.  ;)

1) I, too, carried my kids around in a baby sling a lot -- and I just talked
about what I was doing.  Nothing very inventive necessarily, just the sorts
of comments that might run through my head anyway.  "Oops, I should have
washed this sooner; it's pretty sticky" "Now it's time to dust, lets see,
where's that lemon oil?"  That sort of running commentary is something I
suspect I got from my Mom, because she does it even today.  ;)

2) Whenever the baby seemed alert, I showed him things.  "Look, isn't this
dustrag soft?" as i brushed his cheek or arm. "Wow, this lemon oil is pungent"
as I poured it into the rag -- since obviously he couldn't help smelling it.
"Look; this is a leaf.  See how green it is.  Look how the wind blows it
around." As I stopped in front of a bush while we walked to a store.  The baby
can only stand so much input at a time, though.  I might murmer nonstop, but
I didn't try to bring things to his attention more than once or twice an hour.

3) I took up dancing as a form of exercise and held the baby as I danced and
sang to him.  Obviously if moshing is your thing, this might be a bad idea,
but I danced to poptunes in a gentle, rythmic way and hummed or sang along
to the radio.  Again, a dance or two is all the baby is up for usually, so
at that point, I'd put him down in a safe place where he could watch or drowse
or whatever.

4)  Read to him.  It needn't be childish books since he won't get it anyway
-- try magazines.  Colourful pictures for the baby, something a little more
interesting than "Go, Dog, Go" for you.  You'll get plenty of Pooh and his
pals later.  ;)   If you don't like magazines, even chapter books are good.
It's your voice and contact with your physical self he's thriving on.  Reading
aloud isn't your thing?  Try commenting on the plot twists as you look up from
the book every now and then.

5) Remember, you gave birth to him.  That was the end of your responsibility
to "entertain" him.  Give him lots of enrichment, yes, but if it bores you
or you just need solo time, don't do it.  You don't owe him every minute
company and you'll do both of you a disservice if you lead him to expect it.
besides, babies are very perceptive creatures.  If you resent doing something,
he'll pick up on that -- but he won't have words or even clear concepts to
work with so he can't distinguish between resenting the activity or resenting
him.  

Congratulations --both on the birth of your son and on being honest with
yourself about what you have to offer.  Babies are adaptable and he'll enjoy
what you enjoying doing with him, so find what you like and have a ball!

Did either of your kids have "pungent" as their first word? ;)

Jackie, you can even read engineering texts aloud, if you are able to absorb
material that way (or Celtic myth- *much* more suited to the task...)--as Misti
said, the kid doesn't care about content, but he's learning vocal sound and
rhythm.
I think I did the running commentary thing a bit.
I think I've held Gareth while I'm on the computer too much--he's a bit of
a TV addict and inclined toward indoor pursuits. I wanted Timothy to be more
engaged with the outdoors and distance vision/gross motor skills before I
let him play with the computer; 2nd kids often get more careless parenting 
somehow...  Oh well.

At Valerie's request, I've linked this item from "smalls" to "intro."  Smalls
regulars, feel free to take this opportunity to tell the intro folks what
smalls is all about.

"Smalls" (or "Parenting") is about evrything to do with kids- what they do that
drives parents nuts, what they do that thrills us, what confuses us.  It's also
for kids to talk about being kids; what *parents* do that irks, thrills or
confuses us.  The parents here have kids aged birth through at least 18, so
the topics of discussion are pretty broad.  Then too, everyone has *been* a
kid, whether or not they've *had* one, so we all have something to add...

No, Steve, neither of them had "pungent" as their first word.  They were both
pretty traditional.  "Mamma", as I remember.  ;)  "NO!" followed all too
quickly.  <laugh>

Re: #5 I wouldn't call it careless, I think often the second time around the
parents know what they're doing better and realize that they don't have to
hound the child 24/7 and the child grows up more adjusted to the world.

When my sister was born, I used to run home from school and play with her,
until my parents dragged me away to do my homework.  Of course, being the
fourth grade, homework was minimual so I would get done and go back to playing
with her.  I would even watch her when she took naps and be there when she
woke up.

After awhile, it made me realize that she didn't really care since during the
day, my mother was too busy running around the house to watch her every minute
and be with her excessively.

I've also found that by the time my sister came along, after being exposed
to three younger cousins, I stopped the baby-talk and even when she was an
infant, I'd come home and tell her the funny things that happened in school,
and even things such as, "Shh.  Don't tell Mama I told you this." (Not that
she really could at the time) But I always talked to her as an equal and I've
found that even with kids now, I still talk to them as equals and they tell
me more and respect me more.  So I think that this is a good thing.

(Disclaimer: I have no children yet, only nine younger sister/cousins, so take
this all with a grain of salt, if needed)

I think that's excellent advice, actually.  I grew up in a big family and,
while I was too close in age to really remember, I don't think my parents ever
used baby-talk.  I know that when my kids came along, it didn't feel natural
to talk down at them.  I used silly pet names and babbled a little when we
were playing, but mostly I spoke to them as equals.  Now treating your kids
as less experienced peers seems to have some other downsides, but it certainly
did a lot for my kids intellectually.  People have always commented on how
bright they are.  I don't think they are any brighter than average, but they
certainly are betetr able to express themselves than most kids their age. 
I think that gives the impression of being smarter than average and has won
them many enriching opportunities they might not have had otherwise. And
*that* has made them more aware and better educated (in other words "smarter")
than they might have been otherwise.

Now if only kids learned common sense as easily.  ;)

Thanks for all the suggestions!  
I think what seems to work best for us is to put him in his carrier at a level
slightly below mine and he glances naturally up at me.  This allows me to
read/use the computer/etc. At the same time, I'll occaisionally reach over
and tickle his feet or smile at him as well as talking to him about what I've
been doing.

Re: baby talk
we've steered clear of baby talk for the most part too.  He gets lots of
"silly talk" i.e. in a high/fun voice during play, but when we're talking,
it's genrally as we would to anyone else.  Silliness is a necessity because
we (me and my husband) talk in silly ways to eachother a fair amount and play
silly games.  It makes life more interesting and that's part of what's
important.

Actually the high fun voice is very important.  Studies have shown that babies
respond better to that tone of voice better than to any other.  Fortunately,
it also seems to be hard wired.  Even the deaf raise the pitch of their voices
when babbling at their young children.

Respond better?  Why?  Maybe they find it as annoying as I do. ;-)
Truly, I have never understood it.

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I think that the higher pitch stands out from the background noises better for
them.

I think you're right, Kami.  I don't mean, either, that falsetto screech 
that some people use, I mean the higher end of your natural range.

Mary, I think by "better" the studies were looking at how quickly the
babies responded and how well their attention held.  I can't quote 
exactly, though since I'm not sure now where I saw that study.  (I was 
the sort of mother who read everything on the subject of children the 
age mine were and "studied" as hard for parenting as I ever did for a 
class at college.)

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