A single person only has so much energy to put into the big wide world 
out there.  A good portion of it is spent on everything but maintaining 
personal connections, thus making the amount of energy people have to 
form and maintain bonds smaller, more precious, and  more worth 
receiving.

How do you define reciprocity in relationships, be they between friends, 
lover, siblings, etc.? Receiving the same amount of energy that one puts 
out is not a given feature of all. Is it a necessary component?  Is it 
even a reasonable expectation to require as much "energy" from those you 
care about as you expend on their behalf?

How does equally and unequally balanced relationships effect us as 
individuals as well as within a larger community of people?

27 responses total.

No, it's not a reasonable expectation.  Nor is it necessary.

I don't think much about reciprocity.  I probably should, though.

I am not sure.
Sometimes I get the impression I put more energy in maintaining 
friendships than my friends. It saddens me every now and then.
On the other hand, somebody has to keep the fire burning.

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It all depends on the relationship.  Certainly there are some out there 
that will end up needing you more than you need them. And you yourself 
may give more than you receive.  But I do believe that a certainly level 
of reciprocity is fair to be expected or wished for, and not necessarily 
brought about by the input/output ratio of all of your relationships.  
Neither is it a selfish concern.

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It really depends on what type of relationship you wish it to be.  
People that have more balanced relationships may think the way you do.

And if the other person is putting as much of an effort into it, then 
how worth it is it?

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It could also be a timing issue. Perhaps the person who seems to be 
putting less in is really just in a horrible time crunch (for many 
reasons) and eventually when those things get better will have more of 
an ability to put 'more in' so to speak.

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See, I think you may be looking at my question too literally.  I don't 
mean that one person has to call the other as often, or that materially 
one must show that they think this relationship is as important as you 
do.  Also, it has nothing to do with how much "time" you have for each 
other.  If that were the case, then I'd have fewer friends that I do 
currently.

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No problem.  You mentioned that even though your friend is "lazy(?)," 
you knew you could count on him if you needed his help?  There are some 
folks out there that do nothing abut suck up your energy and never give 
you that support in return.  That's part of it.

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I knew someone that sucked and sucked and sucked.. so my wife and I 
didn't stay connected to her for very long.  It was draining.  I 
understand being depressed and all, but I don't think it's right to 
just latch on and leech off of one person.. harder still was when she 
didn't want to attend social activities with us and such.

If I don't get enough feedback in a relationship (friendship) I start 
fidgetting and fretting. I become insecure about the thing. In time it 
erects a threshold almost impossible to cross. 

        If there's a formula, then it's a damned complicated one, for how I
handle reciprocity.  I don't keep score, that much is for sure, so much as
I look for people who attempt to abuse reciprocity.

The idea of keeping tally, you mean?  Someone who gets all bent out of 
shape if you don't "pay them back" everytime they do something for you?

I don't know if thre is a formula, per se.  I know that there are some 
relationships in which I feel as if I am receiving more than I am 
giving, and the exact opposite in other relationships.  They may cancel 
each other out to a certain degree, if these are relationships in which 
you place an equal importance.  However, I hope there is some point at 
which I would be able to be there for that other person.  I try my best 
to give back where I can, though not for the purpose of keeping score.

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        It's more than that, though.  I've noticed that almost everyone seems
to test or evaluate you, and if you're overly willing to give, or to forgive,
you can doom a friendship or a relationship to being, at best, codependent.
I learned to be careful in the first few exchanges, and it's bled over into
later exchanges.

It's not cool to "test" someone to see how they're going to respond.  I 
do think if you hard enough to find something, you'll see it, whether 
it is really there or not.  However, that seems to me to be in the 
context of established relationships.  Everyone does evaluates people 
to a certain degree in intital meetings.  It's a survival mechanism. It 
does pay to be cautious.

It's generally referred to as "first impressions" in the business 
world, right?

        I've seen people consciously test others, or evaluate them on how they
deal with certain situations or individuals, but what I'm thinking of is a
different beast altogether.  It's worth noting because it seems to operate
on some peculiar rules - the very first "test"'s results seem to be so
critical - and it seems to be almost universally pervasive.

I definitely am confused then.  I *thought* I got your meaning.

I have certainly guilty of reciprocity testing others, but I know 
better now.

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        I don't think I was clear about what I meant about "the first time".
It's not that these subconscious tests only happen the first time that you
meet someone, or the first few times - though obviously a good portion of
your image is formed then and from that point it gets progressively harder
to make a real change in it - it's that if you want to "pass" the tests, it's
important to "pass" them the first time.  Giving in to a guilt trip, for
instance, the first time, and then not having it for a minute the next few
times, will lead to arguments, whereas not giving in the first time will
usually prevent future recurrances.

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