Here's a question for you guys.

What if, shortly after your marriage, you new wife started (for reasons 
beyond her control) to change dramatically the way she looked?  For 
instance, gaining or losing 100 pounds or so over the course of a year 
because of a medical problem or losing much of her hair or her breasts 
due to cancer.

How would you react??  Would it change how you felt about her?  Would it 
change whether (and how much) you were attracted to her?  How would you 
feel about it?  Angry?  Unhappy? Cheated? Unconcerned?  How about if 
you'd been with her longer?  Would that change your reaction?

Even if you you aren't married I'm curious how you think it would effect 
you.

11 responses total.

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If one doesn't want or isn't ready for the commitment (and risk) of "...in
sickness and in health, ..." then one shouldn't get married.  

I can't imagine that many people would be bothered if their spouse got
healthier.  (Unless it makes them insecure about their own appearance,
which would certainly suggest deeper problems in the relationship.)  
Certainly one could feel cheated (by fate) if one's spouse's health took a
nose dive early (subjective measure) in life.  And definitely unhappy if
one cares a wit for one's spouse.  Likewise concerned.  Don't know if I'd
be angry.  If it happened late in life, I don't think I'd feel angry or
cheated - I kinda knew I was marrying a mortal woman. 

I'd certainly feel more protective toward an ill spouse, and probably more
attracted to overall (to protect, to spend more time together since she might
not be around as long as we thought, to try to boost her spirits, etc.).  


FAR more disturbing to me than such "hand of fate" physical changes in my
spouse is the prospect of mental degradation.  Whether "voluntary" or an in-
excapable genetic flaw, the burden and agony of trying to maintain a marriage
to someone who'd mind is going bad (and thinking about when and if to call
it quits) is what would really terrify me.  b

Marrieing is making a true commitment.
It is a thing that hasn't got to be taken lightly. Imoh, these days people
take life too lightly and don0t consider results of steps taken.
When you commit be sure to eally love somebody. If that0s the case, supporting
your partner is a logic and natural action without second thoughts.
Therefore: it wuldn't bother me, unless the change would be shallow one like
Valerie said (turning into a slob, which I think am now, looking at my
clothers. But they are always clean, my personal hygiene is ok, hey I am
drifting..).
Extreme changes due to health causes are , however to be regarded with
concern, because if you ove somebody you may easily get worried hen such
changes take place. The more reason for support and understanding.
I wouldn0t leave. (a true capricorn, if you don0t mind my saying so).

This response has been erased.

Well, I'd never marry someone who I wouldn't love if their physical appearance
changed.  But, that said, I know I'd have trouble adjusting.  A girl I knew
cut her hair off over the summer, and I'm in two classes with her, but for
the first few days of the term I didn't know that - I didn't recognize her
at all.  Granted, that's an extreme example, but regardless it would be
difficult.
If it were a change that was under her control, I think I'd offer my honest
opinion - either that she looks better now, or that I liked the way she looked
before but knew that I'd get used to it.  If it wasn't under her control, I
think her dealing with it would be a bigger deal than me.

I suppose it might be somewhat of an adjustment, but I've generally found that
how somebody looks matters a lot when I have first met them, because it's all
I know about them, and then as I get to know them better how they look matters
less and less.  I'm not married, and maybe I'm not qualified to judge this
for that reason, but I would certainly hope that by the time I get to the
point of marrying somebody I would have gotten to the point where how they
looked was practically irrellevant.

These are very comforting responses!  It's good to know that real people think
like I do.

All the women's magazines make it sound like gaining or losing 10 pound will
make or break a marriage!  <grin>  Yeah, 200 pounds is a lot and it will
certainly change the way someone looks -- but I would hope most people don't
marry just an unchanging body.  (If they think they have, they have a shock
coming in 40 years!)

If 10 pounds will make or break the marriage, it isn't or wasn't a real
marriage to begin with.  Regular headlines promising "quick & easy" loss
of 10 pounds probably DO have the power to make or break the woman's 
magazine's bottom line, however.  

(To judge by what I see in the supermarket check-out lanes, the market
segment that those woman's magazines are fighting over is the "profoundly
and permanently mentally deficient" segment.)_

I think a lot of people gain or lose significant amounts of weight immediately
after getting married.  After all, it is quite commonly a significant change
in lifestyle and/or diet.  Traditionally this was more something you saw in
men, since their diet was largely determined by whatever woman was feeding
them.  Seeing men blimp up after marriage was pretty common.  (Though this
partly also has to do with normal changes in the metabolism around the age
that many people get married.)  I lost 10 or 15 pounds after moving in with
Valerie, changing from my lazy, not-particularly-healthy mode of cooking to
our current practice of more health-conscious, more-regular meals.

I think any changes in a spouse can be a bit of a strain.  I wish I could
say that no change would ever matter to me, but I can't.  If I fall in love
with a person, then it is because of certain things about that person.  If
those changed, surely my love would be endangered.  Trouble is, it's hard to
tell exactly what those things are in advance.  Some things that I once
thought would really bother me have turned out not to be any problem at all.
Likely some things that I would think would be no problem at all would be.

It's a little hard to imagine Valerie gaining 100 pounds.  I don't know what
she weighs now, but I suspect that would be pretty close to an extra Valerie.
But Valerie gaining 100 pounds is a lot easier to visualize than Valerie
losing 100 pounds.  She'd be able to hide behind a broomstick.

Funny.  When I think in more abstract terms of how I would feel if my
"significant other" suddenly gained a lot of weight, I'm not sure I would be
able to cope with it.  But if I think in specific terms of the woman I
actually am in love with, it's obviously no problem at all.  Why would it be?

It can even go beyond that. I once had a girl who gained twenty pounds within
two months, just because of my cooking. it was o so nice to notice a woman
that could eat just as much as I did, and there is no bigger compliment about
my cooking when somebody takes a second (or third) helping.
She said said she gained weight, I was in love and didn't see anything, or
notice any differences. After all, it was the person I cared about.

Jan, I think it's easier to be "critical" of a hypothetical lover than of
someone you actually love because a hypothetical lover almost by definition
is pretty near perfect, but has no real traits to balance out whatever
deficits a real, lovable person has.

For instance, you might not have fallen in love with someone twice Valerie's
size, but if she were to change shape significantly in giving you a child,
she'd still be the woman you love with all her endearing qualities *and* she'd
be the person you spent years developing a history with, *and she'd be the
mother of your child.  You might be a little nostalgic for the young beauty
of today, but you'd still see it in her eyes and her manerisms and her
personal style.

I'll let on the reason that this became an issue for me.  I was diagnosed in
the last year with both hypothyroid and diabetes.  Both of those tend to pack
on the pounds.  Now that I'm under treatment, my customary curves are melting
away.  I've been married to Larry for just over a year and from looking at
his former lovers, I have the impression that he's more drawn to larger
curves.  I have now lost enough weight that my skirt slipped out from under
my belt last week and fell right off there in the hallway outside my office!
(Talk about embarrasing!  Made me wish for the first time that I had a slip.)
I had begun to worry that my sudden change in shape -- especially if it
continues until I have a figure like I had before I had kids, might cause
problems for Larry.  Between his assurances and the comments here I feel much
better.

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