Coming out is very hurtful for some, and I wonder about the broken
relationships left in the wake of it.  That is-- I'm talking about how people
break up with their opposite sex spouses/financees/partners when they do. 
Can it be done with style and grace?

I know someone who has recently come out as bi, and who broke up with his
financee.  At the risk of not being discreet, I say he is a Grexer.  He told
me of his decision before he made it, which absolutely floored me.  I didn't
know what to think-- here was a friend that was like me in a way.  But I just
didn't approve of how he was going about his new discovery.

I gave advice, which was wrong, but..I didn't know what else to do.  I
should have kept my big mouth shut, I guess.  He won't speak to me anymore--
he accused me of not listening, not understanding, and judging him. 
How..ironic.

Maybe I'm just different.  I've approached things really differently about
myself.  Maybe I don't understand..

23 responses total.

i strongly disagree with gays who dadte MOTSS to "hide"
but many are in denial and don't know it.
hell took me a very long time to come to terms with myself...
who am I to judge?

I've been unbelievably fortunate in this respect - all of my friends have been
very accepting.  Part of that is the fact that I wasn't the first in my group
of friends to come out, and so most people had already had a chance to get
over any homophobia they might have.  But even still, I've been quite lucky;
I haven't lost any friends, it hasn't come between me and my parents, and I've
never really had to deal with anyone who objected to it.

I think if, sometime down the road, I had a choice between hiding and keeping
a friendship intact and coming out but risking the friendship, it would be
a very hard choice.  I've been in the closet once already, it was no fun at
all, and I'm not planning on going back anytime soon - but I wouldn't want
to alienate a new friend.  I think in the end I'd wind up waiting until I knew
them well, and then telling them, so that they would already have a positive
impression of me and not see me as 'that queer I just met'.

If it was a relationship in question, it would be emotionally more difficult,
but the choice would be easier - there is no way I'm going to be involved with
someone who can't accept something that is that basic a part of me.

        The only problem I have with cover dating is it *may* be dishonest to
the person who's being used as "cover" - if they know what they're doing,
then it's nobody else's business if they let friends think they're het, or
gay, or bi, or PVC-vinyl-with-egg-whites freaks.

        It's easy to fall on old maternal advice like "if they aren't still
your friends, then they weren't very good friends", and it's true, although
all of us need a good circle of not-very-good-or-close friends to get through
life.

In this particular incident, he had made his discovery after a three year
relationship, and the engagement-- so what then?  It wasn't exactly 'cover
dating.'  He's not gay, so it was less cut-and-dry-- he broke up to free
himself to explore same sex relationships.  He seems resistant to do so,
still.

..so confusing..and it's frustrating to see him lash out at anyone who won't
coddle him and agree with his view.

Personally, I think that sort of thing is stupid.  I mean, the desire to
explore is one thing, but breaking off an engagement so you can fool around?

as far as commin guot i was very lucky myself too. kinna came out in
the middle of a streak ( must be something in the water.. i keep
saying that) anyway i haev many good friends gay/straight or
otherwize... guess I'm quietly bi. if people know.. big deal. most
woder i guess. i suprized a few people wheni intro'd them to my bf
;) but what the hey...

It's funny, because I've been a cover date-- both knowing that I was a 
cover date (as in the situation, "Hey, Jess, I need a date to _____ and 
I can't take my MOTSS partner, because I'm closeted, will you come with 
me?") and when I haven't known... I didn't mind it when I knew, but when 
I didn't, and later realized it, I was kind of hurt... just babbling 
here....

the thing that is so frustrating is that you may know who I'm talking about..I
fear for him because he's loudly broadcasting this and it's getting uglier
all the time.  I'd ask for help, but I know he won't accept help if he doesn't
want it.  I'm surprised he wasn't all over this conference.

I think I am approaching an important milestone in my life....
Is anyone willing to share their experiences...about...when they told their
parents, or how, that they preferred same sex relationships?

        Know thyself and know thy parents, and thou shalt be victorious.

Nuh...
I know thyself, and thyself absolutely must overthink everything.

My parents are Roman Catholic, and I love them too much to hurt them.  'Nuff
said.  =)

somewhere there was a discusion about that...

hmm my mother was great, shrugged it off basically

father made a few mentions of 'fucking fag' or somehting but has settled in to
the idea

        To which you can say "I prefer to be called a two-fisted cock-master."

(...although I'm guessing in morgaine's situation that may be less than
helpful)

(<just laughs> True...)

        Details schmetails.

*winces*
Sarah my parents are Roman Catholic too...but when I think about not hurting
them...I think about how my other always asks me if I have found someone to
make me happy yet, and I have to say no, lest telling her....and for some
reason I have made myself cry here. I don't want to lie to them anymore.
Through it all, yeah, maybe they treated me poorly sometimes, but they are
still my parents, and if I were my daughter (lol), I would want my daughter
to be honest with me.

Melissa- well, given the conversation you said you had with Virginia last
Christmastime I don't think they are going to be horribly shocked... Maybe
by you telling them, but not by, ya know, what you are.  Ya know?

resp:8 People can be loudly broadcasting lots of stuff and have hardly 
anybody know about it.  Take Nikken for example.  Just about everyone 
you ask never heard of it.

resp:4 So far everybody I've run into (including you) has been like 
this.  They become upset if the person they are sharing their problem 
with fails to understand (meaning tell them that what they are feeling 
is not wrong or bad)  You and I have had that problem and it has fueled 
many of our arguements on both sides of our marriage.  Anyway, I'm not 
sure the operative word here is "coddle" so much as "cuddle".  People 
need someone to love them enough to be willing to listen without pre-
judging them or offering them needless advice.  We need a person to love 
us unconditionally and the way to show that love is to genuinely listen 
and understand instead of just remaining silent or planning out 
following dialogue or even interrupting the speaker.  Now, if it wasn't 
so hard to learn...

(speaker has full intention of practicing what she preaches, as she is 
guilty of this offense on more than one count)

   have i posted the story of how i came out to my folks and the
ensuing registered letter yet?

I don't think so...

   it probably goes in the coming-out stories item.  i'll post it there
when i'm not at work.

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