How would you suggest going about telling your girlfriend that you are
bisexual?

I mean, I've know for sometime, but never told her. How do you go about
breaking something like that?

45 responses total.

   how long have you two been dating? are you fairly serious about each
other? is your relationship going well right now?

   not that playing "twenty questions" is the point here, but these
are all things you might want to consider before telling her something
this important. breaking news to someone whose opinion you value, and
of whose reaction you're unsure, is never easy. make sure you're both
in a non-stressful situation (although right after sex would probably
be a bad idea) and in a mood for conversation. then say something along
the lines of, "there's something i'd like to tell you. i'm bisexual."

   then again, subtlety has never been my strong point. anyone else
have suggestions?

        Depends on who they are, their feelings for the subject, and how seure
they are in theor own sexuality, plus the reasons for telling them - is it
because you want them to know you better, or because you'd like to expand your
relationships to include others?

Remember, honesty is a good policy...

Hmmm, my husband and I are both bi and as I remember it came up over 
dinner.

We were comparing notes about specifics that we liked or didn't like in 
our various friends' and aquaintances' relationships.  It was fairly 
early on in the relationship, before the first "I love you", when we 
were still sorting out (separately) whether we would be able to be happy 
together.

I don't rememeber the specifics very well -- but knowing our usual 
communication I expect it was pretty straightforward:

"Well, I'm bi, so ..."  

"You are?  That's funny!  Me, too."  

...or something like that.

My girlfriend knows I'm bi, but she's fairly open-minded and found out before
we became a couple.  So, as for the added intricacies of telling someone who
you're in a relationship with, and not just a friendship, I don't know how
much help I'll be.

Yeah, but orin, I doubt I'd react any differently if you brought it up after
we had started going out, so I don't think it'd make that much of a
difference..
Of course, if you've been around her for a while (either dating or just
friends) and am just bringing it up now, she might question why *now*, instead
of a while ago, or something. YOu know what I'm saying?

        Not to put too finde a point on it, but it's also a good way to
discriminate against prejudice in a relationship ...

Well, I certainly would never want to be going out with a complete homophobe,
if that's what you're referring to.  

But certainly there are friends of mine who, if I'd told in a blunt way, I'd
have scared them off, but instead I managed to change their opinions somewhat,
which was a much more worthwhile way of going about things.

what kind of "training" do you have in mind, orinoco? I'm not quite sure what
yomean.

You know, I have no idea what I was referring to in #8....  

A sticky situation, however you go about it.....

with Jon and I, it came up in conversation.

what came up in conv.. ( just to amke sure it is all clear)

The fact that he was bisexual.  I discovered my own sexuality shortly 
after we became engaged.  I guess you could say loving Jonathan helped 
me to put it into perspective.

How does one discover one's own sexuality?

People are very good at ignoring things that they don't want to realize, is
what it boils down to.  If I don't like the idea of being anything but
straight, chances are I'll avoid noticing same-sex attractions until something
forces me to notice them.

(ding)That is correct!  Johnny, tell him what he's won!

;)  That is absolutely right.

        There's more too it than the obvious, though ... I'm quite straight
and yet during or shortly after relationships, people I've been involved with
have realised their bisexuality.  Which is one of the factors I've
unconsciously included in positing that everyone inherently has the
possibility of bisexuality.  

Keesan - I had always been attracted to women but could never picture myself
having sexual relations with them.  Then, one week a couple of years ago, I
had dreams about it.  I was comfortable and liked it.  I started hanging out
with Rachael a month later when we met in theater, and she was very kind about
going slowly.  I like cuddling her, touching her hips, etc, so I went with
it.  It took that one breakthrough, and I've been "out" ever since.

Is it possible for people to change from hetero to homo or bi as they get
older, or do they just realize that is what they were all along?

hmmmm
<scratches head>

Well, if a girl is raised in a closed, old-fashioned sexist environment
that teaches her that she *will* grow up to be a wife/mother/domestic
servant, then later starts to realize that she can and wants to have a
life and ambitions of her own, would you say that she has changed or that
just her knowledge has changed? 

In my opinion, people are gay/straight not because of who they're attracted
to but because of who they're *not* attracted to. Most people, in my opinion,
are "born bi" from the standpoint that they have potential attraction to
either gender. what happens is, IMHO, that they develop an aversion to one
gender or the other as they grow up, either through education, exposure, or
emotional trauma (or some combination thereof).

So, yes, if somebody were to overcome their aversion, they could change
orientation, IMHO.

        Based on my undestanding of human sexuality, that's as good a theory
as any, and better than most that I've read.

The general opinion seems to be that you have _a sexuality_ which you
"discover" at some point in your life.  I'm not so sure I believe that,
though.  Even over the course of a few weeks I find myself drifting back and
forth between mostly-straight and mostly-gay; I can't imagine staying even
relatively stable over the course of years.

.. just wishing for friendships that are
(stable)

Supposedly some people 'outgrow' being gay.  Is this an actual change or have
they just made a decision not to act on their true feelings?  I had a
short-term housemate who went to a psychiatrist to be talked out of being gay
- this failed, no surprise.

Being "talked out of being gay" would be as easy to do as talking me out of
being a brunette.  It's not one of those things that can be changed very
easily.  Why did they want to be talked out of it, btw?

I think he wanted to be 'normal'.  He seemed normal to me, except for being
around 6' 5".  I find normal sort of boring.

Um, Sarah, they sell bottles in any drugstore. People change their hair colors
every day. Bad analogy. =}

Pbbbbttt...  :-P~

        Actually, there are several clinical success stories.  Take that
however you want it.  I suppose it depends on the individual - though sexual
definitions tend to be proffered as invariable parts of one's being, they
aren't always, and at least one clinical success that I've read transcripts
of dealt with a man who was gay, as far as I can tell, because of a
deep-seated fear of, and inability to deal with, women.  His choices in
partners reflected this fear - they were 'punks'.  It took several years to
get his life together, and he chose to be straight rather than bisexual,
insofar as his choices in partners.

To tell my side of the story..

As I told you, I was fairly aware that I was bi when I was about hmmm.. 
in the secondary grades.

I was *never* really comfortable with it, and I was beating myself up 
until a few years back.  I began to develop the idea that no 
self-respecting woman of my faith would ever love me if she found out I 
was bi.  I eventually told someone I was dating around that time, but 
she was much too young (jailbait) to take it.

What I found out was this-- telling your girlfriend that you are 
bisexual can be perceived as a threat.  Not only is there the danger 
that you might cheat with a woman, but there is the possibility that you 
might cheat with a man.  The urges are always there, and my psychiatrist 
told me that it is a real issue in a relationship.  From what I've 
guessed, most women want stability and security, and having a bisexual 
partner presents a real challenge.

First and foremost, I think you need to reassure her that this will not 
destroy your relationship if and when you tell her, and you need to talk 
about options.

I do think "training" is a good idea-- to gradually introduce it into 
the picture of who you are.  For most of us here, activism isn't an 
all-consuming goal; if you're the same, it should be fairly easy to show 
that you're like everyone else.

I brought it up with Julie when I was having problems in my 
relationship.  I think the issue of sexuality had been making cracks, 
since the poor girl I was dating seemed jealous.  I had opened my big 
mouth again, but an old buddy of mine had been hitting on me really hard 
for quite some time and was crestfallen when I told him I was dating a 
girl.  Oh hell, I'll call him an old boyfriend-- even though we never 
did get much past the friendship stage.

Julie understood-- she said she'd thought about women.  She had 
volunteered for an AIDS care hospice before, so she had been educated.  
Both of us have relatives and siblings who are gay, lesbian, or bi.  As 
she said, she came out to me a little while after we got engaged, and we 
started attending GALA.

        There are a lot of issues involved with a person in an established
relationship "coming out" as bisexual ... running the gamut from general
homophobia and the good 'ol Chasing Amy "Passive-Agressive Gay Bashing"
syndrome, to the decision some bisexuals have made that because they are
interested in two genders, that monogamy for them is having one partner of
each gender.

        But, then again, this is Ann Arbor, and for a while I was convinced
that all women were, a priori, bisexual because of the locals.

I've heard that said, too, about bisexuals and monogamy. That's absurd.
Monogamy means commitment to a single person.

        You're just miffed because they aren't admitting to polyamory. :)

<bob rolls his eyes and runs for cover

Not miffed. Annoyed would be a better word, yes. 
=}

Well, I guess it would be a question of monogamy vs. polyamory, then.  
You have to decide whether or not others will be allowed in, and if yes, 
what the terms need to be.

I have heard of some couples where one informs the other if there is to 
be a fling, and usually, the outside party is informed that it is solely 
a physical attraction and not a long-term thing.

Keeping the relationship stable seems to be the overarching issue.

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