I am male.  Since I was fairly young, I have wished I was female.  But, I'm
not gay.  I doubt I'm even bi.  It's just that I think I would feel more
comfortable as a woman.
It's not just that I feel more affinity for female characters in fiction or
movies.  It's not just that I enjoy wearing nail polish, jewlery, and long
hair, and would wear a dress if I could get away with it.  It's not just a
preference for dance and art over football and beer.  
It's not just that women seem to form closer friendships than men; It's not
just that women are less afraid to talk about their feelings; It's not just
that men are so damn homophobic and women are so unafraid of physical contact;
It's not just that women are so much more supportive.
If it were just those, I might be satisfied with being a 'sensitive guy', or
a guy in women's clothing, or whatever.  But it isn't just those; nor is it
just womb envy or anything Freudian like that; nor is it homosexuality.  I
dont just want to dress like a woman and act like a woman: I want to *be* a
woman.
What the hell am I?

185 responses total.

Re-reading this item, I realize that there are three false impressions I could
be giving.  The first is that I think men are scum.  I *don't* think men are
scum, or at least not all men.  I realize I am being somewhat stereotypical
in my descriptions of 'what men are like' or 'what women are like', but as
I said those aren't really the issue anyway.
The second is my age.  I am only 15; I use the words 'man' and 'woman' instead
of 'boy' and 'girl' because I think those words are more appropriate, and more
universal. 
The third is my identity IRL.  Yes, I am a pseudo of a 'real grexer'.  All
the information I have given is true, I promise you, and I have not tried to
cover my tracks, but I do not feel comfortable revealing my 'real login' or
real life identity.  I would appreciate it if you do not try to uncover
them--I'd like to keep my privacy.

I would talk to a professional.  Find a way.  

You're a transexual, Crescent. There are many people who feel the way you do.
In general, there are three trans- classifications:
transvestite: someone who feels more comfortable in the clothing of the
opposite gender, especially for special occasions or at particular times (such
as going out on Friday nights)
transgender: someone who lives live as if they were the opposite gender; this
goes beyond dress, but includes choice of career, name, significant others,
and so on
transsexual: someone who feels the need to, and frequently carries through
with getting an operation (and series of hormonal treatments) in order to
have the external anatomy of the opposite (anatomical) gender (that is, to
put external anatomy in concordance with internal/psychological anatomy
  
(I frequently confuse transgender and transsexual, so if I got them backwards,
someone can correct me.)
  
Anyway, at your age, the first step would be to find someone who has a
background dealing with these issues and talk to them. A professional,
perhaps, but not necessarily. Avoid people who invalidate you, and try to
"cure" you, but likewise avoid people who try to manipulate you against some
societal enemy, like "The Man", which is what some militant GLBT folks might
do. If you're Ann Arbor local, there IS a GLB youth services org that would
be able to help you (Gateway? is that what it's called?). There are similar
groups in other cities.

It's possible that psychological therapy will lead you to resolving whatever
issues you have that lead you to feel this way, and taht you'll reconcile
yourself with your anatomical birth gender, or that occasioanl tranvesitite
or transgender events will maintain your happiness. It's also possible,
though, that ultimately you'll decide on a surgical gender modification
(though these are expensive, do require a good deal of physical and
psychological therapy, and are difficult to obtain). My primary advice would
be to explore your desires only on the level of non-surgical changes, with
the support of a professional or supportive social group.

It's called being "transexual".  It's not particularlycommon, but it's
not unheard of either.  Mary's right.  Through professional counseling
you can find out whether it'spossible for you to become more comfortable
in your male body,or whether, fo you, the best answer is to have the
series treatments (some chemical, some surgical) that could give you
the body of a woman.  

I wish you well. 

"Mary's right"? I'm assuming that was a misread, Misti. Though Mary did
recommend therapy, I was the one with the details...

        It seems to make sense in context ... if the context is about getting
professional help.

        I can understand that.  It'd be a hell of a difficult experience, and
since the alternatives in true transsexualism range from doing nothing to the
full operation, there's a lot to consider.

Until ou're 18... your best bet would be to look into why you feel this
way ... make sure its not a general discomfort with life or something
that won't go away with a change... or try just ACTING like a woman
if it makes you more comfortabel, fot eh time being.

Why does it bother other people so much if someone wants to act the way they
feel like acting, rather than as a 'woman' or a 'man'.  Why can't someone wear
jewelry and play football?  Many of the 'feminine' or 'masculine' traits are
culture-specific or change over time, anyway.  Men used to wear as much
jewelry as women even in Western culture, and women have done heavy physical
labor, such as mining.  (Well, maybe you would not want to play football while
wearing dangling earrings.)   Do the external manifestations such as what you
wear let people act different ways?  

Most people are really stupid, and don't want to have to cope with other
people who don't fit into a few cramped little pigeonholes in their tiny
minds.  Or even the idea that it's possible for a person not to fit into
one of those little bone-lined pigeonholes.  If you draw attention to
yourself and their mental deficiencies by failing to fit one of their
little niches, the British Soccer Fan lobe of their little brains may
feel stimulated to stop the unacceptable messages by getting rid of
the messenger.

(Take this no more than 75% seriously.) 

Maybe that is why babies nowadays are being labelled with girl or boy
clothing.  I hear that from about the twenties through the forties or even
fifties baby clothing and toddler clothing was more Unisex.  
People seem to be set up to view things binary - a color has to be blue or
green, not both.  Something to do with the structure of the brain?  It is
probably easier to classify someone statistically as belonging in all respects
to a large group, rather than as an individual (with all those extra pluses
and minuses to remember).  It may be similar to spoken language - all sounds
have to be classified as belonging to one phoneme or another, not between the
two, and people can't learn new phonemes past about age 12.  Do you think it
is possible to educate today's under-12's to view people as not all belonging
to the male or female category in every single trait?  Judging from the
responses of several younger grex members, I am hopeful.

Well, I'd hazard a guess that gender roles have gotten looser, not stricter,
since the forties, even if baby clothing for boys and girls has gotten so
different.

way to go 'i'
keesan..dress CAN affect how others see us and how we see
ourselves...
hell, put me in a tie and vest and you probably wont see me
flkinging my legs over the side of the chair...not that i do it
consciensly but..
well if I act how I'm dresses how can i expect others not to base a
first impression on it....
i still say be who yo are ECT ECT ECT

This may be a bit simplistic, but you are a transvestite.  Being one doesn't
say that you are gay. The stereotype says this, but I don't buy those, and
hope that most people don't.  After all, people are much more diverse than
all the strereotypes in the world...  I have several male friends who are,
too.  One is bi and one is straight.  Neither can fit in those square holes
that stereotypes are.  Oh, another answer that I migtht say is that you are
a woman in a man's body...which ever you prefer...

I feel just fine about what genetic sex I am, and still feel ridiculous
wearing what my mother insisted was the appropriate clothing.  You don't have
to feel you are in the wrong-sex body to not want to wear certain clothing.
I would not want to wear a suit and tie or heels and nylons.

Oh, screw this - I've forgotten the password and I wanna join this discussion
<g>
Crescent was a pseudo of mine that I set up last year when I was still barely
out of the closet, and just beginning to understand what the hell was going
on.  Suffice to say, I got pretty stressed-out and flaky, and grex was a good
way to rant anonymously in public.  Until now, I was a tad bit embarrased to
admit this was me, but what the hell, I make a fool of myself incessantly
anyway.

(We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming...)

Yeah... rereading it, it does sound like you... yet another *duh* moment (you
know what I think of retrospect... <snowth bangs her head into wall>)

But we've had this discussion before. And no, I don't think you're making a
fool of yourself. :)

We're glad you approve.

(besides, you'd make a very cute female. <wink>)

People only make fools of themselves in their own eyes.  You can get away with
most anything if you don't think it is foolish.  IF you act foolish-feeling,
that is how people will treat you.  If you act confident but different from
them;, they are more likely to wonder about themselves.  

I have a hard time believeing that if I wore a brassiere on my head and spread
pudding on my chest, with confidence and panache, that nobody would mutter,
"Look at that fool!"
  
I agree with the broad sentiment that people tend to more self-cconscious than
their behavior actually merits, though.

As to the linguistics comment, that's wrong, it's just plain wrong. I've
learned plenty of phonemes since I turned 12. Another in a long line of
linguistic oversimplifications.

Re phonemes, very few people can learn to correctly pronounce sounds in a
foreign languages after age 12.  They tend to pronounce them the same as in
their own language.  Maybe you are one of the rare exceptions.  Or maybe you
don't hear the difference, I know I have trouble learning especially new
vowels, since I can't hear the differences.  (My father used to brag he spoke
good French.  Only French I have ever heard with a Boston accent).

Re feeling foolish, are you sure you would not feel foolish dressed the way
you suggest.  I admit I may have exaggerated a bit, but if you really believe
you are doing something right, unless you are pretty mixed up, other people
will be more likely to respect you and consider you normal.  But, espeically
for young people, it is hard to be self-confident about being different, even
though would feel probably more silly acting the same as other people if that
meant doing something you did not believe in.  Perhaps I have answered my own
question about the kiss-in, it gives people more self-confidence to do what
they believe is right.

Rather, it's _effort_ to learn new phonemes.  I have, for instance, an aunt
who's a linguist - she has been trained to tell the difference between very
close phonemes, so she can pick up that difference very easily.  I can manage
passably well, having taken foreign languages, but I still have a lot of
trouble with close differences that would be obvious to, say, a french-speaker

There's a difference between feeling foolish and looking foolish.  It is quite
possible to look just fine but feel like a fool, or to look foolisha nd feel
perfectly confident.

I just worry about the feeling foolish part, not the beseen as foolish.  (and
about *being* foolish: well it doesn't exist...unless someone in the audience
have an *objective* manner of detecting foolishness...(font pulls out her
clip board)
oops!  I mean *has* an objective manner of detecting...
<font sits in the grammar jail for an illegal past tense se>

Some actions seem to make you feel more or less foolish, depending on the
circumstances.  My neighbor, who normally teaches in cowboy boots and jeans,
wore a dress, nylons and heels to class once, for Halloween.  (She dressed
as a 'girl').  I suspect she would have felt foolish dressing that way the
rest of the year.  That is what Mardi-Gras type celebrations (and probably
kiss-ins) do, they allow you to do anything, that once, without any need for
social approval or feeling foolish.

(Continuing the off-topic, I've only met a few people who I couldn't teach
to here phonemic differences in languages other than their own. There's just
an active element to it, whereas children learn differences passively.)

What languages do you teach?  I still have trouble with the two types of ch
(one with the tip and one with thearea just behind it, both against the little
ridge behind the teeht) in Serbo-Croatian.  I can pronounce them acceptably,
but I really can't hear any difference.  Either sound is a ch in English. 
The sound was lost in related languages, probably for that reason.
        I have heard that when children learn to hear pitch at an early age,
a part of their brain grows larger, and that they are much more likely to have
perfect pitch if trained early.  Possibly the same for learning new languages
if you learn several when young?  And possibly the same for learning new
categories of people?

This really isn't the place for a linguistics lecture.

Sorry, I did get rather far afield.  What I meant to say was that
people have trouble with anything that falls between categories
that they learned in childhood, such as sounds, musical tones,
colors, racial groups, ages, or categories such as man and woman. 
Judging from remarks in this conference, people under 30 or so
have childhood experience with more categories of sexual
orientation and are more comfortable with the categories lesbian
and gay, but are confused by bisexuals.  Are lesbians expected to
be either butch or femme, or can you be anywhere in between, or
combinations of either when you feel like it, and nobody cares? 
(I had never heard of any of these categories back when I was
young).  People often act a bit differently with people in
different categories of any sort, for instance I find myself
talking more loudly with foreigners, though I know consciously
that this makes no sense.  It is not conscious behavior, and you
are forced to pay more attention to your behavior when someone
does not fit neatly into a slot.  Eventually you learn what
works.  Also, people may worry about accidentally offending a
friend who is in a group they are not familiar with.  I had that
problem with black neighbors.  I find I learn a lot about my own
mental structure by mixing with people who are different.  Does
this theory fit in with the experience of bis who say their
friends had trouble accepting them when they first 'came out' but
then got used to it?  Any other theories?
        Sorry again for getting sidetracked, but it is exciting to 
run across someone else working with languages.  I am a translator
and work at home, just me and the computer and dictionaries.

Speaking of the Butch/Femme distinction, actually, I had an interesting
experience the other day trying to explain to someone what Butch meant,
exactly, or what the stereotype of a butch was.  I couldn't really do it. 
I mean, here's a category that's pretty widely accepted, and it's part of the
way I mentally categorize people, but I can't even explain how it works.

Are lesbians who don't fit into either butch or femme category in a similar
position to bis, who don't fit neatly into gay or lesbian or hetero?  Do
people feel they have to alter their behavior enough to fit into some sort
of category?

I don't.  <shrug>  I was told by an "expert"  (a flaming drag queen friend
of mine who hung out in the right circles to have all the definitive answers
to these things...I personally don't have the proper life philosophy to do
the "I must follow this pattern to be accepted by my "kind"")
I don't really know what the "real" lesbians would think of me,
(ohhh, *prove* it to me baby....<a real good bad pick-up line> but
then again I have never asked, nor do I particularly care.
Though, I do know, that, if ostrasized, you are not a "real"
lesbian and aren't invited to parties, etc etc.<shrug>
Wanna-be is your name, I guess...(I also had an ex who went to
BrynMawr and said that it's not a feminist Utopia as she'd dreamed
but a bunch of groups defining themselves by excluding eachother.
Too bad she eventually wound up believing that this is the only way
to define yourself...<sigh>, but I digress) 
I have grown up with the lifes philsosphy of "Why can't we all just get
along?"  It's cheezy as hell and not very practical, but at the core
of my cynicism, it lurks, waiting to jump at any point.
And I do have a fair idea of why we can't.  (sorta)
But still, hope is ever with me, and it won't go away lest I become so
depressed that all my friends disown me.  :-)
back to butch/fem:  I like to playact *both*.  From tuxes, 18th and 19th
centuary mens ware to Mideval Ladies, 19th, and Tuxes and other great
moments in 20th cent ladies fashon are both of great interest to me.
With a sort of manish face and a rather womanish figure, I can't really
pull either off in a complete manner.  And no gorgeous babe will *ever* talk
me into cutting my hair...unless she can top 8 years of blood sweat and tears
and burns it off herself (then I will dump her, no questions asked)
(oh, not the band by the way...eek *NOT* the band)
Besides, what am I when I wear a silk shirt and a pair of bluejeans?
Lace and Camo's? (and yes, combat boots with silk stockings <g>)
Wear Dickies and red heels?  <laugh>  It's a term to make a general
impression.  (oh, for those of the gutter-brain persuasion (there's
nothing wrong with that, I just wanna make my original meaning clear
before it's distorted beyond clarity) Dickeys are a brand name sort of
workperson's overall (intended for , but not exclusive of men) and I haven't
seen any other company make them, but hey it was at Meijers, so it may
be skewed)  Ack, this is long! I stop now))
<btw, font has an exploding text mind>

My favorite pants are Dickies', didn't know they were still made.
It sounds like you are a person who dresses to please herself, not others,
but just out of curiosity, what sort of reactions do some of your more
creative combinations draw from other people?  I think women have always been
able to get away with wearing 'men's' clothing if they only wear one or two
articles of it, or make it clear that it is not *really* men's clothing, such
as a pink tuxedo.  If you dress in a black tuxedo with the appropriate
accessories, what happens?   I feel a bit sorry for men, who have a lot less
leeway to express themselves through clothing.  Is it ever acceptable for a
man to even wear lace now?  (I mean at something besides a costume party).
I know of one man who wore kilts to square dances and was accepted, but he
also had a thick beard and always brought a woman along.  (And kilts were,
of course, acceptable at Scottish folk dancing).  Are there *any* other
situations where men ever wear 'womens' clothing?  (I mean visibly).

I would not be caught *dead* in a pink tux.  (black, honey, that's the only
way to go, but hell I am conservative in that way)  And what I was saying
earlier about mixing things is that it's ambiguous, not nessasairly what I
would wear (though it would be fun!).  For a while, I got teased for wearing
things that were too *feminine*.  (you heard me right, folks)  Aparently you
have to have a "woman's face" to wear such things.  (font scratches her head
in wonderment)(I was in a gypsy skirt, and a poet's shirt, and a velvet
vest and for the life of me I got harrassed.  Funny, people said less when
I was wearing leather tennies, dockers, and a man's shirt!)  In some of my
wierder feats, the lay public will tend to stare, or sometimes cross the
street (but I have almost come to expect that sort of behavior...I seem to
inspire that in some people, even though I am not as visable as some in terms
of sexuality)   But at least I am not getting hit anymore, as I did in Middle
School.  And it's not like I run around in black leather jackets, dark
sunglasses and stare at people threateningly.  I wonder if my lack of makeup
threatens people. The fact that I don't often pluck my eyebrows or shave my
legs (hense, I wear pants alot), or one of those things.  
Then again, if I ever take a walk with my dad, people keep thinking I am his
wife!  (I am 23, and he is in his late 50's...what's wrong here???)
I have given up trying to come up with a rhyme or reason for people's
behavior  (like why I have an anclave of single straight men after my bod)
or come up with neat little sociological rasons rather than there is an
expected norm (I still haven't figured that one out...it seems to vary based
on your apearance) and if you diverge from it, you are at least stared at and
thought of as a street person, crazy or one of those "bad influences".
How fortunate I am that the people I associate with do not have these hangups,
and generally look scarrier to these "normal" people than I do! (I do not
brag, it's just a simple observation)  Go figure.  Live your life, be free
as you will, and perhaps some day, this place will be more saine.  (one 
can but hope)

Happy Birthday Font!  Is this a black tux occasion?

<laugh>
The one that I've _really_ never understood is the reasoning behind shaved
legs.  I mean, my female friends either say they love having their legs feel
smooth, or they say they can't stand shaving their legs and just do it because
it's expected...there's this assumption that people will find unshaven legs
'disgusting' or something.  But I've never run into anyone, male or female,
who finds unshaven legs disgusting, and in fact most people I've talked to
have a certain degree of respect for women who are willing to go against
tradition like that.  So, if nobody else really cares, why don't people
just do it for comfort or not bother?

I think it is to make the two genders look more different, like long versus
short hair.  Or maybe hair under nylons does not look good?

hair under nylons.. heheh interesting.. im far from bald.. tried
opting for nylons in a production once over body makeup....worst
feeling and funniesty looking my legs have ever been.

   leg-shaving in the u.s. is the result of an ad campaign back in the
twenties or so.

Why do men shave their faces?  Probably the same reason, cultural norms.  Are
there more men with beards or women with unshaved legs?
Children stare at me because they don't run into people with beards very often
and I always let kids take their time relating to me, you don't readily relate
with people who look different from the norm.  I think both face-shaving
and leg shaving are odd.

- Backtalk version 1.3.30 - Copyright 1996-2006, Jan Wolter and Steve Weiss