Jokes
Lots of fun, what are some of the funniest jokes you've ever heard, That's
what this item is for, so postem!

53 responses total.

Well, mr. kain, the only jokes I know are really bad jokes.  If you want any
of those, just ask me.  I've got tons!

Actually I was once trying to perfect an imitation of my boss by coming up
with the dumbest, most formulaic joke possible.  It started:
"A guy walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder and orders two beers..."

But I could never figure out a punchline for it.  So instead I would use it
as a "shaggy dog" joke... This is back when I was a stagehand.  I'd pick a
time near the end of loading out a show, and start telling this joke to
whoever I was working with on the road crew.  I'd keep this joke going until
he had to leave, and would terefore be screwed out of hearing the punchline.
I had a set of things I could use to run it either until they poor guy had
to leave or he figured it out on his own.

here's a punchline for ya, 
"wow, that's really somthing said the bartender, where'd ya get it?" 
"Africa" said the parrot

See now, that's just the kind of line I was looking for.  What I ended up with
was that the bartender would say that the cash register was broken and he
couldn't sell any beers, but if the guy could help him do "xxx" he'd get the
beers on the house.  So the guy would help the bartender, get two beers, and
he and the parrot would drink the beers and then ask for two more beers, at
which the bartender would say that the cash register was broken...

It was pretty easy to make up goofy tasks that the bartender needed done.

<chuckle> <chuckle>

Has anyone heard the purple passion joke? :)
<claire grins wickedly>
Shalom!
--Claire

NO!  bad claire!
If pranks are "practical jokes", then what are these...impractical?

alrighty then, now we haven't why don't you tell us

It would take a very long time...

I knew a kid once who had a forty five minute version of that joke...

does anyone know the haemorroid joke? Or the death by bonga bonga joke?

no...

tell us!

this is going to be interesting...

tell us!

Two truckdrivers are talking to each other in "Truckers Inn" somewhere
near Berlin, Germany. Both of them carry their loads to Poland and 
Russia. One of them says: Man, have I been scared yesterday.."
"How come?" says the other.
"Well, I was driving down the backroads of Poland when I suddenly got
the shits..."
"SO? No big deal, the food overthere is lousy."
"Let me finish.
I simply h a d to go, and there wasn't a truckstop within the range
of twenty miles. So I pulled over and got out. Behind the truck I 
pulled down my pants and squatted in the grass...
But as soon as did that I heard a loud gnawing sound, as if some
terrible animal was sneaking up on me.
In my panic I forgot I had to go and in my truck and got the
hell out of there.
But, I really had to go, and after a couple of miles I decided
to try it again."
"And?"
"The same thing! A soon as I squatted in the grass I heard that
horrifying gnawing sound again. Something like the grinding teeth
of a very hungry animal. At last I decided to do my job in my
cabin and get rid of the mess later.
If you don't mind my opinion: I think there are some dreadfull
monsters on the loose, overthere in Poland."
"Bollocks!", said the other,"There must be some explanation.
Before you know it, we've got another monster of Loch Ness in the
area. And you know that's a hoax.
You know what? Next time I'll join you to Poland."
And so it happened.
As they where driving through Poland they agreed to visit the very 
same spot, prepared and all with a club and an illegal gun.
Standing outside the truck they were waiting, and waiting and waiting..
"Nothing's happening, are you sure you weren't delerious at the
time? After you're known for your serious drinking."
"Shut the f*** up! Ofcourse I'm sure. Maybe they only sneak upon
when you squat with your back to the forest. I don't know..."
"Hmmm, you might have a point...So, here's the plan:
You pull down your pants just like you did when it happened, in
the meanwhile I'll be under the truck and keep an eye on you. Deal?"
"Deal."
The frightened driver pulled down his pants, squatted on the grass
and...as soon as he did that that terrible sound came up again.
Gnaw gnaw gnaw gnaw.
"Yikes!!" In panic he jumped up and ran to the truck.
Where he could find his friend rolling on the floor with laughter.
"Hey! That's is not funny. I scared the hell out of me, and you,
you...all you do is mock me. Haven't you seen that monster?"
"Oh, I have seen them allright." the other said." There's a whole
bunch of them.
And I can say: I have experienced a lot in my life but never, never
I've seen grass eating hamorrhoids."

Not bad for a foreigner eh?

<sigh>  <giggle>  <sigh>

tee hee

And now, from out of some stupid vault that was never lucky enough to have
a wall:
What is green and dangerous?
A herd of stampeding pickles!
<Esk falls to the floor and rolls with laughter>

<orinoco grins>
I've heard a lot of versions of that one, my favorite being
"What is purple and dangerous?"
"A grape with a six-shooter".
Douglas Adams fans will recall the answer to "What is yellow and dangerous?"

a lemon with a machine gun?

<orinoco wonders why nobody reads great literature anymore>

what was that from?

heres one
There is this priest and a nun you see...
and theys all in the desert
goin on this journey and using a camel as transportation
at about the halfway point of this great journey the camel dies
the nun gets very upset but the priest actually gets a grin on his face
here they are, a hundred miles from nowhere
no water
no shelter
the nun says "we are gonna die out here"
the priest agrees and looks at the nun
"well if We are gonna die," the priest says, "lets have some fun"
the nun questions: "what do you want to do?"
well the priest sheds his robe and gets real naked
the nun gawks and points at the priest's thing
"whats that thing!?  Its growing!"  she gasps
"Its my magical wand of life!" he exclaimed

"THATS GREAT!!  STICK IT IN THE CAMEL AND LETS GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE!!!"

<sigh>

<kain laughs>

continue

laugh

thank you pankii...

I've heard a few.. well not really jokes but your mom insults.

Yo mama is so fat she jumped up in te air and got stuck.
Yo mama is so small she uses a dorito for a hang glider.
Yo mama is so fat she fell in love and broke it!
<I love that one>

Jokes.. hmm, why did the condom fly?

Yo mama so fat, her blood type's Ragu

answer to last: It got pissed off.

<hits kain>
Your mama's so stupid, she stared at a box of orange juice for 20 minutes
because it said "concentrate"

Yo mama so fat, when she puts on her BBD's, they stretch out to say Boulevard!

Yo mama so fat, her home is in Ann Arbor -- and Ypsilanti!

yo mama so fat every time she turns around she gets a welcome home party
Yo mama so fat she's on both sides of the family
When you mama goes to the movie theater she sits next to everybody!

Yo mama so stupid she flunked a blood test!

that's bVd's, not bBd's

yo mama so stupid she got hit by a parked car.

Re #37
I often hit the B key when I mean the V key, and bice-bersa.

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